OMG...the replies to this post are the longest I have ever seen!

Tammi, I've been known for long post in the past, but I think I've pasted that torch onto others by now. Though I can still spill the long one on occasion.

Just adding my two cents. CS husband not only didn't confess...he denied and denied and trickle truthed for over six months. Any hope I had of supporting him got burned up in the constant disclosures (almost never him confessing, but me finding more "evidence" of facts and lies that he'd made to lessen his behavior.

His betrayal was tough enough (meeting 100 strange men for anonymous sex over 8 years). The re-ignition of anger and crying has left me uncertain of any possibility of a real marriage. I echo a lot of what Sheen says. Something in me is gone. I'll never trust another person the way I trusted my H. I never had a clue.....

So, since I'm not going to trust, why not stay? He and I share a lot of the same values in politics, arts, intellect, etc.....so, I don't know what to do.

I WISH he'd confessed to anything before my trust was cmpletely busted.

Polly: It sounds like your H may be more than a mere philanderer. Sounds like the symptoms of what some psychs call a Sexual Addict. You asked about trust. Well, you can't trust them until they go to serious therapy. The damage to you is huge. There are things you can do to help yourself.

Yes, he might be sa, but he might not be, according to our former MC.
Either way, he was a selfish asshole. I was working on our marriage with him, but more than ten times he looked me in the eye and said, " that's the whole truth, I swear!" The continuous re-disclosures caused me to cycle through anger and sadness two or three times a month for six months. That torture broke my willingness to work on the marriage. He needs to get help. If he can figure it out, maybe I'll still be around. maybe not.

Like you wrote in another post, I'm not gonna trust anyone new. I've known H and his family for 30+ years

He lied for six months, so I stopped marriage counseling. no way to move forward of he's still lying. I'd like the $1500 we spent on counseling back!

I'm so sorry Polly. I know what you're going through. I've been there and done that. Send me a message if you want to talk about it.

DOH!!!!!

After all that, I realized I didn't link to the correct article. The link in the original post is to the old article where I attempt to convince a CS who wants to save/keep their marriage why they should if that is truely their goal.

The article I intended to link to is on my blog, and lists out several reasons why a CS should tell from the BS's perspective. Sorry about that; this is the new article:

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/01/should-i-tell-full-story.html

My bad.

One more reason might be that the CS could build some self-respect.

Good one, Sheen.

Cole: I'm not really sure what are any valid reasons to not tell the truth. Do you know of any?

Well, if the deed is done and ended, a couple I would posit as valid reasons not to tell:

1. The spouse is an abuser. Especially physical abuser. Telling would likely result in injury and guilt he/she could manipulate for further emotional/physical abuse.

2. If the CS knows their BS has a history of suicidal depression, you're taking a big chance sending him over the edge. Then as a CS you'd not only have to deal with the guilt from cheating, but driving your spouse to suicide over it.

In short, any situation where there is a concrete expectation that it will put someone's safety and/or life at risk. Of course, there is always the possibility (I think a high one) that the spouse will find out on their own and you'll end up with the same risks. Which of course indicates why they shouldn't have done it in the first place if they were worried about those issues. But after the fact, that would be the reason not to tell.

One other possible reason not to tell, though I don't agree with it totally. If the CS knows the BS wouldn't want to know. They might get an indication of that by when they begin to tell, the BS shuts them down. One of Gabi's friends had an EA going on and stopped it. She tried to tell her husband, but he only wanted to know if she'd had sex with anyone. When she said no, he said then I don't want to hear anymore about it. He wouldn't let her talk about it.

While I think he is sticking his head in the sand and risking her ending up later having a full affair because the issues were never dealt with, that is his decision. If I were advising her, I'd tell her to deal with her issues as best she can through books, counseling if she could get it, etc. But abide by his wishes and not tell him anything else. Unless of course, it happens again.

Hmmm...food for thought.

On item 1, Who's going to cheat on a physical abuser to begin with? If they're that gutsy, then what are they risking? Wow... an abuser spouse....think it's time to leave long before being gutsy enough to cross an abuser?

Item 2, so what to do keep up a false facade...for how long? And, if a partner knows that to begin with, then add infidelity to the mix? Wow...to say the least. How about insisting on some medical/psycholgical intervention as a marital boundary? Folks aren't depressed like that for no reason. Maybe from the affect of red flags and suspicion? That could create some serious depression/anxiety. And, sometimes, knowing the truth may be traumatic, but not nearly as traumatic as suspicion and being a recipient of crazy-making behavior? There is the possibility that they might be relieved too.

I think I'm just not up on excuses. If a person knew either of these things before playing the game, then why would they care after playing the game? Sounds like another game?

Gabi: You shared, ". I think I knew that if he found out he would give me a chance to make it right and I knew if that happened I would do whatever it took." So, there's the crux of it really. There was never any firm belief in paying the penalty for the behavior. Maybe my H thought the same. Turns out, he was right. But, I can say this, "I" never thought that I would be able to have any kind of reasonable relationship with him again. So, maybe he knew more about me, than me? Or maybe he was really willing to take that big chance? Either way, he did what he did, he changed what he changed, and we pay for that.

Overall,, I agree with you Sheen. That's why I said once the deed is done. When the rubber hits the road, perspectives often change. Suddenly the CS cares about hurting the spouse.

I do know of a person or two who has come here who's spouse was abusive and had cheated on them. So it happens. A big risk for the CS when she should be getting out. Some, I'm sure, cheat in the hopes of finding a way to get out. Many don't have the esteem and backbone to face their spouse and leave on their own.

When I talked about a history of suicide attempts, I mean in general, not related to the affair. If you know that is a risk, you'd be hesitant to tell. Though, as you and I both said, that factor should have been taken into account before getting involved with an A. But we both know that when someone has an A, such rational evaluations of consequences and who this might hurt get ignored and not considered. Such is the way when passions are allowed to control us instead of us them.

You shared, " Suddenly the CS cares about hurting the spouse."
So true Cole. I know that they knew there will be serious repercussions, everyone knows that. So, the after-the-math.....oooooh...I'm so sorry...often leaves me a bit unmoved.

Yeah, really? You've found that you can't have it all for yourself? You can no longer benefit from whatever it is you want from me, and whatever you want from them too? Ooops, party's over? No joke? Really? I fail to have a whole lot of empathy for such. Wah...wah...I can't play to suit myself anymore? Now, I lose my marriage, my home, my family? But, wait, I was only having a bit of thrill. I only want that to go along with this. I don't want to lose what I have here that benefits me. Wait!

At the least, my H did "finally" have the where-with-all to admit he knew that he was taking that chance, and at the time he was doing it he figured he'd never be caught, no harm, no foul, and that if he did get caught, he wouldn't care about the repercussions. He did finally say that. Honesty. I really love it. I do. More than I can convey. That is about the only valid reason I gave him any more time to talk...the truth.

And, so, I had to ask, why are you here now? You're free to go. You are, and were, always, free to go if I'm not the person you want to share your life with. The very last thing I want is for you to stay here where you'd rather not be....believe me. So, what's the deal? You didn't have difficulty running around yesterday, the same situation still exists. You can run and play. What you can't do is have what you had here. Because? I get to choose what happens in my life now. You're no longer choosing for me. Oooops!