I don't know if this relates to your situation or not, but it sounds like you are realizing that your comfort zone is no longer the same as your safety zone. In a healthy marriage, they are usually one and the same. After finding out about an A, we realize that we've been on auto-pilot and while the situation still feels comfortable and familiar in many respects, the safety factor is gone.

So then we have to figure out if the safety zone has permanently moved, if it was a one-time thing, or if it was never there to begin with.

What a Fool, you have to change your name. Your no Fool, and there is a ton of hope for the rest of your life. You are going to life a great rest of your life. You have just turned the corner!

Sainted1, no marital therapy or counselor is going to help given what you have written about your wife, unless that was just one hell of a vent about her. I hear to much anger, so little respect, and a genuine dislike and disdain for the person who your wife is that I see little hope of your ever loving her over the long-term. A marital therapist cannot fix that. Dude, I hope you can let go of her and find some peace. That level of anger is going to hurt you over time!

lisalisa72, safety zone has come and gone without even knowing it needed to be there in the first place. I am and have always been the type of person who thought love for my family, my wife, children were the most important and valueable thing I had. I am a man who fears no man, feared nothing could harm me or my family as long I stood before you. Never thought for a second that I could be hurt from within. never once would I have thought my love for someone could be so blind. The safety zone was never there to begin with for there was no need to have a safety zone that protects you from love. My idea of love was one love shared between two people and nothing would ever come between that and would have bet my life on her fidelity to me. Never can I say never again and she can not ever give me back a sense of safety for I have given her everything now and she gave me nothing that love stands for. My heart bleeds for yesterday but all it has left is today.

Until the CS takes responsibility for what they've done, and do the things necessary to allow the BS to get "over" it, there is not much you can do. If after 3 to 6 months there's no sign of the CS moving forward, it is likely to be a lost cause. Still possible she'd wake up, but not as likely. Here's hoping she'll be an exception once it is obvious you're leaving.

If she does suddenly become compliant as you prepare to exit the relationship, have on hand a copy of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald to give to her. Tell her she can help you "get over it" in time if she does what this book recommends. You might want to read it first yourself so you'll know what it says. If she fully follows through, only then do you consider delaying a divorce.

Cole50, I purchased the audio book version of "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair". I can read/listen to this over and over and again and give it to my wife, and knowing who she is, she will only get bits and pieces of this book and tell me she is doing exactly what this book says to do. All the while, she will continue to be who she is. There really is no hope anymore for us and I plan to ask her to read/listen and will reply back once she does but I hold very little hope this will help or she will "get it:"

She is past understanding or like the book says "getting it". Now her excuse is I have a problem and need help and she is doing everything to help me. Everything doesn't include taking responsibilty, realizing the damage she has caused, or asking for forgiveness. Slowly becoming the disgusting selfish bitch she was before that is entitled to live her life without guilt, shame, sarrow, sadness, or pain because that is for me to enjoy and my problem because she isn't going to live her life that way. Like saying you get over what I have done to you because it isn't my fault you feel this way.

whatsfool I'm sorry forwhat you're going through.I have been going through somewhat similar.It has left me questioning whether any many out there can be faithful and committed.(sorry,I've been married 24 yrs and spouse is alcoholic and cheats,not with him anymore)
I daydream of finding someone one day who can be committed as you describe yourself.Hold your chin up, you are a honorable man.And I'm an honorable, woman.One day, maybe we will find someon who is true.
Ross

RossHomes, thank you for the kind words and reply. I understand how you must feel as I have been with my wife 21 years, 15 years married and feeling so foolish that I gave so much to a person who gave so little. I know, or at least I pray there are people out there who are better than this.

I could not cheat on my wife and trusted my wife had the same morals as I. I have never cheated on any women, don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, and don't chase women. I too daydream of a life that understands what love is and what it is suppose to be but reality now is my wife has cheated and can I live it that. I struggle with this and knowing it is more for my children and what it will do to their lives instead of thinking of myself and what is does to mine. My responsibility as a father and my sense of family has taken over and carried this far.

I know there are good and honorable people in this word, I just have one who is not well. I thought what kind of man would I be if I walked out on the woman I loved when she needed me the most. Foolish belief in that my wife doesn't need me because she doesn't even understand she has a problem.

I hold my chin up not for my honor, I hold it up knowing I did everything I could to try to make this work.

Cole50, I am following up with you to let you know how it went on reading your book suggestion "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". I purchased the audio version on Itunes and it was a little over 2 hours and very insightful for me to relate to what I need from her to help.

I asked her if she would listen to the audio version as it is easy and well presented and not much to ask of her to spend two hours of her time. She got an attitude and ask me why am I reading on things that she must do instead of reading up on books that will help me do the things that I must do. Like saying, you have a problem with what I did so go out and get help because I am okay with what I did to you and it is now your problem because you feel like that.

Pretty much what I expected and she has yet to read/listen to the book. There was many things in it and one of the biggest things was no more lies. That is my problem and there are so many lies she holds onto even though I know they are not true. Without her honesty there will never be trust and without trust there can never be a meaningful relationship/marriage.

The other issues in the book that she refuses to deal with are many and this book was helpful to for me to see just how far away she still is to ever coming close to becoming a rebuilder as the book says. Thanks for the suggestion and it did help me but doubt very much it will ever help her even if she decides to read, she will tell me she is doing everything this book said to do. Denial, diversion is what she does and still continues to hold onto lies. No hope.

Watafool,

You sure she is not still in contact with one of them in secret? That is the kind of response I got when they were still in contact. Ending the contact broke that kind of response and I have had very little of that since. Just wondering. Either way, I am sorry she is not getting it! Asking her to simply listen to a book like that and getting that response would have really hurt me and pushed me further away. Maybe it is time to stop asking anything from her, stop talking with her, and simply letting your actions do all your talking for you.

goingtobeok, I don't think she is still in contact with any of these men but I will never know for sure. she was able to get away with her affairs for so long because I gave her my trust and I will never trust her the same way as I did before. Could she still be cheating, I really doubt it but would I bet on it, never again would I bet my life on my wife's fidelity. I gave her this once before and she didn't care enough about me or even consider how this would destroy our realationship to stop her from being with other men.

She has changed what she was doing but has she changed who she is, no. She still can not even give me the truth and as long as she can hide behind her lies, then there is no hope of her ever getting better because she still refuses to admit to me all of the truth. I wish I could explain and had time to make you understand what I am going through but the short version is she still hides many stories and I honestly believe there was more than 2 affairs and have her lies as to where she was after her second affair for about 2 months and she was out of control during that period. I probably would not have even discovered her prior affairs had she not been so out of control and that is what lead me to start looking into her actions the prior 2 years. Her stories as to where and who she was with are lies and proven as lies from the very people she said she was with. I can not account for 2 months of her actions but know she was out almost every night and telling me she was helping one of her freinds with marraige issues and then finding out from her freind that she was never with her but only 2 saturdays in the early afternoon and then my wife left but didn't come home saying she was always with that freind.

Rambling again on my part and I think that is a trick she tries to do to me, keep me guessing so I look like I am a rambling fool. I know she is hiding more and I just have to let that go and realize she can not be honest and without that honesty that I feel I deserve, there will never be hope for us. It isn't like she can even defend that because she knows I have shown her these lies over and over again and she is now just telling me to get over it and let it go.

Was she manic during that period (bipolar)? Is she on medication?

So is she lying to be malicious or is it just too painful to look at even for herself?

If you really need to know the truth it does seem your only real power is to totally turn your back on her and leave, and go full no contact except kids and money. If she gets the message and ask for you back then you lay down your terms.

Sorry brother! Wish she would get it and help you two heal.

goingtobeok, she was on adderal and had been for some time. She used it for ADHD and again long story. She had a drug problem that she will not admit and used this drug as a way to stop using illegal drugs. Her group of freinds discovered this drug and they all got percriptions from doctors. I didn't know anything about that until I started looking into what my wife was doing. I actually thought she was doing drugs and not cheating and trying to get her help. Again sounding nieve as I have never done drugs, never drank, never smoked so I was clueless on so many things to look out for.

The second part of your question if she is malicious or protecting herself, she is both. She has two sides to her and when the other side comes out, she is the most evil bitch you ever met. She also lies to hide who she really is. She can not face that and wants to portray herself as someone she is not. If you met her you would think she is very charming, nice looking, has her life together and she will tell you that. But once you get past the person she wants you to think she is then you realize just how insecure she really is.

I first thought how do I help my wife but now I am at the point asking how do I help myself. She doesn't want to face that she is the problem and never has. Talking with her parents and discovery some many things that I had no idea about, I realize she had a problem long before me and even when I asked her father for her hand in marriage, he asked me back then, are you sure you want to marry her. Asking about that later, he explained to me he was asking do you understand what you were getting into. She has always never taking responsibilty for anything she has done wrong, alway blames others, never her fault, always lies, always has a reason and never ever was it her fault. She was a very bad kid that I didn't know about until recently when talking with her family and has always done what she wanted to do and didn't care who she hurt or used

Again, rambling, and long story short, there is no helping someone who doesn't realize she has a problem and I must protect myself because there really is no hope for us and the only way she will get help is to hit rock bottom and admit she has a problem and seek help herself.

I fear for my children and the life she will put them through and have tried to protect them from all of this but in the end they will suffer the most. That is what kills me now.

Clearly there is a more complex psychiatric diagnosis underlying all this and it has been present since her youth, and she is doing a lot of this stuff to self-medicate. Affair behavior is self-medicating too, like the drug usage. Until she really asks and gets help, her patchwork of controls and self-medication will always only be temporary and will at times break down and problems will emerge.

Maybe she is not as malicious as you think and is just sick, and whatever underlying mental illness she has explains some of the hurt she has caused you. However, you cannot help someone that will not help themselves.

ADHD is so over diagnosed and medicated, and many adults love to jump on that bandwagon. I have seen an otherwise competent psychologist put himself on ADHD medication and eventually develop full blown bipolar disorder and totally lose control at a national annual convention and have to be hospitalized. Adderal is an amphetamine after all.

To me, from my arm chair way over here, she sound like she may have a mix of bipolar and a personality disorder.

Sorry brother, she is sick and its not just a simple choice for her.

goingtobeok, I understood this long ago that my wife is not well but trying to find help for someone who doesn't admit they have a problem is hard. Marriage counseling is geared towards communication and reconsiliation and there is no hope of her seeking out individual counseling as she will not admit she has a problem. Like when she asked me what she can do for me to help me get over this and I replied that I want her to get into individual counseling and she turned into the other half, the evil bitch who replied back to me, why should I go to counseling when it is you who can't deal with what I have done.

Funny that I can make a total stranger see my situation, sad that I can not help the one person who needs help the most and all I can do is walk away and pray she seeks out help. Still not what I want to do but my options are running thin. I have tried with everything in me to stay but realize I am only going to be hurt again loving the person who can't love me back.

I hear your brother! Seems the only real tool in your tool chest is walking away and minimizing your contact, and then working to protect the kids.