Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been struggling for some time with trying to make my marriage work after my wife has admitted to two affair, actually never admitted to any of it until she could not lie about it and only came clean after I had to find proof on my own and still tried everything she could to lie. I have come to the realization that this is never going to work.
It has been a long road since discovering and marriage counseling with numerous counselors as she has tried and tried to hide who and what she is to each of them. Once she is discovered and can't manipulate any longer then it is off to another counselor trying to find one who will validate her excuses as to why she has cheated and it isn't her fault.
My revelation, I am trying to figure out what is missing and why I am having such a terrible time with this. I look at her and realize I am not the one who has a problem but I am the one who has to deal with the problem. My pain, stress, heartache, insecurities have been given to me by the person I love. It is time not only for me to seek counseling but for her to help herself. She asks me as we are driving to work one morning, what do I need to help me get better and I think about this for some time and tell her I need for her to get back into individual counseling. She flips as we are driving to work and starts to rant about she isn't the one who can't deal with this, she isn't the one who has a problem, she isn't the one who can't let it go. So I calmly ask her, Can you tell me why you cheated. She pauses for a minute and then tries to change to subject all together. She can not even admit she has a problem.
As we are getting closer to work she starts to calm down and says that she really thinks I am the one who needs counseling and I must deal with my problems. As we pull up to her work, she gets out and closes the door and she tells me she loves me but with a very strange and distant look on her face. I look at her and realize she is looking at herself in the reflection of the car door window checking herself out and has completely left our conversation and was distracted by her own self image as a true narcissist does.
I realize now there is no hope in saving my marriage and now it is time to plan the end of it and protect myself from the one who I still am very much in love with but she can not love me back for she only has love for one and the one is the reflection she sees in the mirror.
It has been a long road since discovering and marriage counseling with numerous counselors as she has tried and tried to hide who and what she is to each of them. Once she is discovered and can't manipulate any longer then it is off to another counselor trying to find one who will validate her excuses as to why she has cheated and it isn't her fault.
My revelation, I am trying to figure out what is missing and why I am having such a terrible time with this. I look at her and realize I am not the one who has a problem but I am the one who has to deal with the problem. My pain, stress, heartache, insecurities have been given to me by the person I love. It is time not only for me to seek counseling but for her to help herself. She asks me as we are driving to work one morning, what do I need to help me get better and I think about this for some time and tell her I need for her to get back into individual counseling. She flips as we are driving to work and starts to rant about she isn't the one who can't deal with this, she isn't the one who has a problem, she isn't the one who can't let it go. So I calmly ask her, Can you tell me why you cheated. She pauses for a minute and then tries to change to subject all together. She can not even admit she has a problem.
As we are getting closer to work she starts to calm down and says that she really thinks I am the one who needs counseling and I must deal with my problems. As we pull up to her work, she gets out and closes the door and she tells me she loves me but with a very strange and distant look on her face. I look at her and realize she is looking at herself in the reflection of the car door window checking herself out and has completely left our conversation and was distracted by her own self image as a true narcissist does.
I realize now there is no hope in saving my marriage and now it is time to plan the end of it and protect myself from the one who I still am very much in love with but she can not love me back for she only has love for one and the one is the reflection she sees in the mirror.
Good for you for being so strong. I too am struggling with this situation. Its not an easy one but i think once you get past the big hurdles you will be so thankful. You can start living in peace & becoming a whole, happy person again.
((((big hugs)))
Fast-forward - (her affair, divorce, meet my perfect match, marry, get comfortable, get discontented, allow my own selfishness full control, have my own affair) Now I and my (2nd) W are struggling every day. There is no doubt we love each other very much. And the pain I have caused her is unrelenting. My W has given me a wonderful gift, allowing me the opportunity to prove myself and my love again.
From your story, it seems you have given her the same opportunity. And from my perspective you need to let her know that in no uncertain terms. Also let her know, the problem is not you loving her or being immensely hurt by her actions, the problem is her narcissism and refusal to accept responsibility for her actions. And don't give in. Stand firm.
If she refuses to accept responsibility for the affairs.... let go.
With some its as easy as - should I buy these shoes or climb into bed with this person. hmm decisions - decisions...
Some people are just not made for marriage and I have no idea why they get married. Float around from one situation to another. Land for a second - then the breeze comes and picks them up again.
With these situations - its nice to put these folks in a box and say - this person is like this - I need to ship this box out of my life.
They ruin your life and your self esteem in the process however in the short term. Long term hopefully you can find someone who is not broken.
You already have your answer, Mr. Whatafool. This is one of those situations where your CW has shown you who she is. It's OK, you
can still love her. But put her in that box!
It is so true that we as the BSs are the ones who have to deal with their messes! I always say that I feel like the guy with the broom walking behind the elephant.
We blame ourselves, we examine ourselves, we search for answers.
It's not us. It never was. Even if there was room for improvement in our lives, our spouses cheated for their own reasons. It would not have mattered if we were thinner, made more money, kept a tidier house, etc., etc. They still would have cheated.
If there is to be a better, stronger marriage post-affair, it will be because of their self-realization. So many of these people just are not
capable. Your wife is probably one of those.
So do what you need to do for YOU. Make your plan and execute it.
Let her be as shocked as you were when you found out about the affair!
I am a year and 3 months out - It took me about a year to figure out - I didn't really do anything wrong to cause crazytown entry - I wasn't perfect but It wasn't really - it wasn't me. I can rest really better knowing that and I have pretty much analyzed it out.
If it took me that long of a time to truly move on from that thought aspect - it will probably take others that long or longer to really - really come to that conclusion.
Hopefully people can be aware of that and have that understanding that it just takes time for the human brain to heal in those regards.
It's good that you're ready to make the choice, sucks that you have to make one to begin with, but at least you can start moving forward. As for her, it may not be today or tomorrow, but one day it'll hit her on how stupid she was.
I do have a question...did the MCs do ANYTHING? I seriously have my doubts about going to one. I have a feeling there's going to be a lot of talking on her end and a lot of her "playing the victim"...and I'm thinking "If I'm going to stay/leave...I doubt some couch jockey is going to change my mind"...so why go?
Unless it's the MC's first day on the job (not!) he/she has seen it all.
They will know when the CS is BSing their way through the session.
What I did was "interview" the MC first. I went and spilled the story.
I asked dirt bag to see the MC alone as well. He acted like he was
just there "for me". He had no problems! Gotta love it! Then the
s*** hit the fan.
Those sessions were difficult. Dirt bag acted like everything was fine, then in a session all this stuff would come out. More often than not, I
left in tears. BUT the MC, nonetheless, helped explain things to us both. Gave us tools to improve our communication and marriage.
Even though I had done nothing wrong, there are better ways to communicate so the other person does not shut down. Ways
to reinforce the behavior you do want. Ways to explain your needs, without the CS feeling like crap and up against the wall with the BS making demands.
You might have to try a few different people before you get the right fit.
I dumped my IC. After the last session, and others before that, I felt
like I had been "mugged". I am wondering about this issue of
transference or countertranference. Any way, the point is, they are just people, too. When it works, it works, and when it doesn't move on.
Same thing with shop lifters, they would only do it if they truely believed they could get away with it. Hence her lies, sneaking around, ect.
Prob is, she got busted. Too stupid to lock her phone or change the name his phone number was saved as. Maybe she just got careless...maybe she wanted to get caught (or so she claims)...point is she knowingly pull this crap. And her looking like the victim is just another way for her to get attention...which I could care less about.
Do I really need another way to say "please don't fuck my friends, it hurts me and the kids."? I'm sure she already knows.
I think that going to a MC is just a waste of time/money/talking. I still don't see the upside to one. And if you plowed through more then a few, I can it's going to be a pain.
First counselor my wife and her hit it off as they shared the same birthday and thought they became best friends after the first session. This was prior to discovering her first affair. It was a blame session for me being controlling, bullheaded, basically an asshole for accusing my wife of having an affair. It turned into them pretty much beating me up the entire times we were in there. After the about the sixth session my wife started to show her true colors then the counselor asked if we would start splitting time one on one. I went in and explained to the counselor that you have no idea what you are dealing with until you discover who and what my wife is and when you finally discover what she is then that will be the last session we have together because my wife will not come back to you. Then my wife had her one on one time, well then our counselor asked me to read up on narsissism. I made the mistake of telling my wife what the counselor wanted me to read on. We never went back and about that time I finally discovered one of the affairs she was hiding and lied about during counseling. My wife even tried to blame the counselor for not handling this better and wanted to file ethics complainst against her.
The next counselor we made it 4 times and she tried to lie about so many things and come to find out she only agreed to see him because he was a christian counselor focusing on forgiveness. He tried to get me to forgive because she made a mistake only once. This was fine and she swore to him it was the only one until I discoverd another affiar after reviewing old credit card bills. Then I presented that in session the way the cousnelor asked me to do and the way he told to do because I called him on the phone after the discovery and asked what should I do. during that session, once she knew she got caught again and could not lie again, she stood up and walked out never to go back to him again.
The third counselor we made it 3 times before she told us we need individaul counseling. I had to laugh at this one because of a comment she made to us. She said to me you have your specific dates, times, and events down that mean so much to you and then told my wife, ummm, you are very liberal with your words and have stepped many times in a big pile of dog shit. Of all the counselor that we have seen, I will not forget that one.
I sought out my own counseling individually and my wife did the same but only after I told her I was done. she went a few time until she said her cousnelor told her she was fine and doing everything rigth. I continued with my own for a while and explored co-dependency, narsissism, and other problems with myself as well as my wife. I stopped going to him because my wife knew he was slowly guilding me for seperation and researched our current counselor and asked that I give her a try. I am going to start going back to him now.
Now, We found a counselor that see's us both as couples and as individual and this has worked out the best and it gives us both time to discuss our issues as well as marraige issues and she has given me the best perspective of all. She said what my wife is she has been long before me and it has nothing to do with me nor am I to blame because she has been like this well before me and if it wasn't me she cheated on it would have been the person she was with.
Problem now is this counselor has become very ill and is no longer seeing patient and my wife has slowly started slipping back to "there is nothing wrong with her and cheating is common and it happens all of the time."
I think what I am trying to say is I would try anything to save my marriage, not for me only, but for my children too. As a father, I never want to leave without giving them anything and everything in me trying not to split our family up. They did nothing to deserve this but they do deserve me to try anything and everything to make it work. I would tell you I would give anything to make this work but I can't just keep taking it because in the end who am I helping if I can't help myself.
Sainted1, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope you come out of this a better man and if anything I hope my situation gives you some insight as to you are not alone my brother. Try with everything you have in you so you never have to say I didn't give it everything in me.
She's already done the deed, nothing I can do about that now...and I've yet to see how talking can heal it, if anything, the more I learn the more it hurts.
*hangs "Out Of Order" sign around neck*
I only wish she would have just come clean and told me herself and that was the hardest part. Even after she has done the things she has, she still didn't think I deserved the truth or wasn't worth a piece of shit to tell me the truth or ask to be forgiven. Her sense of entitlement in that I have to forgive her in order for this to work. How about telling me the truth for once and asking to be forgiven instead of telling me I have to forgive her if this is ever going to work.
I also thought the same as you about counseling, if I can't fix this then how the hell is someone who knows nothing about me or my wife going to posssibly understand let alone help me. It did take a couple of counselors to see this wasn't my fault and yes I even started to blame myself. Maybe I was this or maybe I was that or maybe I should have done this or not done that. In the end, there is no maybe about my wife had sex with other men and I had nothing to do with it nor did I have any say so in her choice to sleep with other men. I am only the person who gave her everything I had and it took counseling for me to see there was nothing I could have done to stop her from being the person she has always been. It is up to her to chose to fix herself.
Counseling is expensive and there are other things out there, support groups, church, family, friends, but in the end you are going to get out of it what you put into it. I have put everything into these things and it has not helped me to save my marriage but it has helped me save myself.