i disagree. what u do or dont do can be good or bad. u can do something, only to realize later it was a mistake. that being said, it being a mistake does not excuse the behavior. in fact, it brings in to question ur cognative state and ur moral standing. knowingly making a mistake is still making a mistake. mistake and accident are not the same thing.

I agree with socrushed. There are mistakes and there are choices. Dumping his load into another woman was a choice. Flirting with her may have been a "mistake". Agreeing to go somewhere private may have been a "mistake". Even kissing her for the first time could have been a "mistake". But undressing, touching body parts and ultimately engaging in the act was a "decision". There were plenty of opportunities to say "hey, this is wrong & a mistake. I should stop now before this goes too far!"

I agree with notsure. There are intentional, and unintentional mistakes. If we had it to do over again and wouldn't, it was a mistake. Doesn't mean we didn't know what we were doing going in, doesn't excuse it. it just means we recognize it was wrong and we have remorse, regret for the circumstances & the lapses in judgement that brought us there..
In the end it doesn't matter what we call it....it only matters that we have the truth so we can move forward.

Thanks workingitout. You made alot of sense that there were many points along the way to stop. But he CHOSE not to.

Guess I want to add that every one of us has that little voice that tells us if something isn't right. My H even admited that in the beginning, he wasn't able to get an erection because of his guilt, but he still went back! He is so sorry now, but I will always remember that comment and wonder why he ignored his little voice. I know he heard it LOUD AND CLEAR!!

I agree 100% with socrushed and WorkingItOut2010.

I do not agree with notsurewat2do and Crossroads64.

It was not a mistake no matter how you try to rationalize it. It was a choice. You know that when you are married you are not to have sex with anyone else.

A mistake is my husband slipped and fell and his clothes came off and his penis landed in another woman's vagina and other sexual acts.

A choice is my husband intentionally took his clothes off and put his penis in another woman's vagina and other sexual acts.

so the choice to do something means it cant be a mistake? i think u are confusing accident with mistake.

accident--an undesirable or unfortunate happening that occurs unintentionally and usually results in harm, injury, damage, or loss;

mistake-- to blunder in the choice of.an error in action, calculation, opinion, or judgment caused by poor reasoning, carelessness, insufficient knowledge, etc

definitions courtesy of dictionary.com

mistake involves intention and choice whereas accident is unintentional. i agree an affair is no accident, but it is definately a huge mistake!

To me it would be a mistake if the person was really young and not married because that person lacks wisdom and experience. When you are married and you are older you know what you are doing.

How can a person make an error in calculation and have insufficient knowledge when having an affair? Not possible because they know exactly what they are doing.

The 1st definition of mistake, according to merriam webster is:
to blunder in the choice of.

An affair IS a mistake.
The difference is in the context of use.

If a cheating spouse simply says....rather casually...I made a mistake........it's MUCH different than a passionate plea.........THIS WAS THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!

Mistakes by definition ARE a blunder in CHOICE.

It's disconcerting that your H is choosing what should hurt the most. At this point.......he should stop being so controlling and selfish. You feel what you feel.

Perhaps ask your husband.........

What would bother you more?

1.) If I was secretly chatting with someone, and developing an attachment.
2.) If I was having oral sex, standard sex, passionate kissing, hugging....and having orgasms......whenever we were able to.

On second thought.....he'd probably lie and choose #1.........but we both know that the answer would be #2.

IMO, a sexual affair is ONLY easier than an EA if it's a ONS.
Mainly due to the fact that long term sexual affairs usually contain an EA as well.

It's a "mistake" after one is caught. Before being caught, it's sheer selfishness and out for a joy ride.

not always is it a lack of knowledge or experience, it can be poor reasoning as well. also notice the etcetra. mistakes are not usually made out of malice, but,like u said, often out of selfishness. i think this is a question of semantics. i blame our education system, as this is elementary vocabulary. an A is never and accident, but it is always a mistake. if u r saying it was not a mistake, then u are saying it was the correct action. it is not about the motivation, but about not being correct. and an affair is never the correct action, therefore it is a mistake.

Thank you northernlady. That is so true. It was only after they got caught that is was a mistake because they didn't want to have to deal with the consequences.

Notsurewat2do, we will have to disagree on this one even if you are right about semantics. Whether or not it was a true mistake is up in the air but is was still a choice. And whether or not the intention was to hurt they knew that it would that's why they kept the affair a secret.

To do something you know is wrong just because you think you may not get caught is still malice to me because you know you may get caught and really hurt the other person.

the use of atomic weapons in WWII was a mistake! we were all well aware of the consequences, but someone had to make the decision anyway.

mistake does not excuse the offender. accident might, but not mistake.

dont mistake me, i believe we are all responsible for our mistakes. accidents can be excused some times. careless mistakes cannot always even be forgiven.

Notsurewat2do. Do you think that drinking and driving is a mistake?