Thanks fiber....I never considered that. Have to go lay down. I'm exhausted from all this. It's quietened down between us and he said "I'm sorry I'm such an ass sometimes". That will do for now. I'll see what tomorrow brings.

I hope you have a peaceful night and get some healing rest.

Treading:

I agree with Fiber. Cheatershave to lie to get the best of both worlds. It can be very destructive to read the things they may say to the AP. A lot of it may not be true. They have to say whatever they need to to keep the AP just where they want them. I saw intricate plans my H had to move in with the OW. That was just to keep her interested. I know fine well he is not interested in starting a new family. She is very young and clearly wanted that.

Treading This latest episode (the house) that you've shared has shed more light on how your H thinks. He is a martyr. It reminds me of the skit they used to do on "Hey Haw" back in the 70's. "Gloom, despair and agony on me. Deep dark depression, excessive misery. If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all. Gloom, despair and agony on me."

He see's himself as the perpetual victim. It's hard for these people to empathize or even understand anyone else's point of view. "Everyone shits on me" Even when he had these "great plans" there was probably little chance he would've gone through with them. When that plan collapsed, he'd have only himself to blame. Now he's "safe" because he can blame you for his plans falling apart. After all you ruined his life by agreeing to marry him all those years ago and you just want to keep him down. He's the victim here... (sarcasm)

I'm sorry to say that I don't see a great future for you with this man. He has made you feel responsible for all of his short comings. The sad part is that, I think, he actually believes it is your fault. Your H needs some serious help that only a professional can provide. I'm sorry.

I have come to the conclusion that by looking at his contacts with her I am involving myself in their/his fantasy world where he is a single gigalo full of promise for his future with her.
Impono, I still know in my heart he was going to "make his dreams come true" with her, at least for the 2 months he had his lease for. Had he had the money, which he tried desparately to get, he would be gone, while spinning me the tale of how he was surrounding himself with "our" memories of the good times and having me wait (yes I would have if I had believed him) for him to have the light go on and come back to "claim" me. How sad am I.
Yes he will blame me/our marriage for the downfall of his life, unless some miracle happens. (Not likely). Now with my sons' house issue, that is sealed and delivered. He is trapped in responsibility (his choice) and I am there with him. I'm quite sure I'm afraid that he will once again say he has to go away and look for a "good" job to pay for the house. I fear, (yes fear) that he will contact her to reassign himself to the job she offered. It shouldn't make a difference to me but it does.
Yes I agree he needs help. He won't go for it for as you say, he needs to be the victim here and far from seeing my position, he needs to feel someone if not life itself is to blame. He blames himself only for deciding to marry me "at such a young age" (mid 20's). That was the downfall in his opinion.
Thank you for your input. I have to see it all and try to be sane.

Really, a MM can't very well go to his potential OW and tell her that his marriage is great, his wife is great, they have an active and satisfying sex life...and still hope that she will get involved with him. And he can't tell her that he has no desire to leave and be with her. He may be clear that he's not leaving his wife/family, but still talk as if he wishes he could, or hopes to somewhere in the future.

Without those hooks of hope and possibility, many women would look to someone else.

um yes fiber, those are the very things I said to my cheating husband that unless he was lying to her and leading her on, no sane woman would do what she was doing, he claimed but has now changed his story some that he Never lied to her, that he told her all along he would never leave me, that we were having sex just not often enough, that he loved me...he just kept piling lies on lies to get what he wanted...and she was a willing participant in the charade of a relationship, she surely should have been able to see what was really going on and discontinue the wrong relationship with a married man but she like he chose to do what they should not have done and now I am hurt, he is suffering and she has gone on to some other married man without even looking back because my h wasn't her only during their affair and even that was not enough for my h to protect me against disease while they were having unprotected sex I saw your other post and dissertation and I am sorry for what you have gone through and it helps me understand some of the things i have seen you posting in other conversations here I guess we are all in this pit trying to get out alive with as little scarring as possible

Well, she, then I guess it's a good thing we both stuck around long enough to begin to understand each other. You are not the first to try to run me off the boards (some succeeded for a time) only to discover that we are not so far apart and can value each other's input. We do not have to agree to recognize each other's value.

I fight as hard as I do to remain here because I will not have my value diminished by others again. Being devalued in that way is what brought me here and I won't submit to the kind of damage that leads me to dark places. Not again.

WTF Fiber! Why are you calling out my wife, again? Cora IS NOT MY WIFE. "She" has not been on here for several days now because YOU successfully "ran her off" in her time of pain. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Cora - sorry about this. Maybe you can convince fiber that I'm not the one who cheated on you. She's obsessed with slamming my wife "shegavehimareason" every chance she gets. And because of a few similarities in your stories, she thinks you are her.

Treading - sorry about the hijack, but I just can't let others hurt my wife on top of what I already have. And Fiber is always gunning for her.

I'm not 'gunning for her' or 'calling her out'. I'm talking to her, gently in fact. Woman to woman.

If you can't or won't recognize her that is up to you. Her writing is distinct and her story is the same in almost every way. It's hard to hide one's voice when speaking from emotion. That's okay, I get it. I've changed my persona here a few times as well.

We're just talking, impono. No harm in that.

Type 'trampled' in the search for this room (not the one for the whole site) and notice the results.

Been to my daughter's apartment while she was away. Needed to be alone for a while. H. joined me later. No talking about "us". He read and I busied myself.
No apology needed impono for the "hijack". In fact, your actions to protect your wife help me to see what a husband should do . I am not one to judge other people as only they know all the details of their own situations. I know your wife has a lot of pain and is trying very hard to get through it. I'm quite sure you have your own pain to deal with. To me, you display a willingness to be there with/for her now, in whatever capacity she may need for you both to move through this and beyond it. I wish you both the strength and willingness to do so.
Again, your "male" viewpoints (especially from the "other" side) do help clarify things for me. I appreciate everyone's input into this hellion part of life. It really helps for me to see suggestions like" H. has to lie to me and to her to make the scenario work for him". I tend to get stuck in trying to make things he says make sense "logically".....not a worthwhile endeavor.
It strikes me as funny how he always says he has NEVER said anything of a negative nature about me to her. As if that should make me ever so grateful. He insists he just told her he wanted an "open marriage" which I didn't agree to (????? he never asked me and no...I wouldn't agree to it). So he then said we separated (which we didn't...I was in the dark about his activities) and that he was asking me for a divorce. (Twice during his being away, before I knew of his affair, he "suggested" maybe we should divorce as he "wasn't happy", and the second time that we could get that cheap $50.00 online type). At NO point did he say "I want a divorce". So yes....he had to work all angles twisting all of it to his advantage. (Thank you fiber and cora for opening my eyes to all of that). It should have been pretty clear to me but I do get lost in the "fog" myself at times.

Treading - Thank you for your understanding

So Fiber, because of the use of one word you have concluded that two people are actually the same person. Does that mean that everyone who uses the word "trigger" or "broken" or "obsessing" is actually the same person? And you claim you're not gunning for my wife... You stated "That's okay, I get it. I've changed my persona here a few times as well." So if it's okay, then why are you so hell bent on proving what YOU believe about Shegave and Cora? The fact is you ARE GUNNING for my wife and will stop at nothing to "prove" your accusations against her. And in the meantime you're accusing Cora as lying as well. You may have a small amount of insight into the world of cheating - specific to your situation - but I don't think you know near as much as you think about helping others through emotional pain. Maybe you need to step back and re-assess your true motives for being on DS. I personally believe it's because on here, in the anonymity of DS, you feel like a big fish in a little pond. You can create and recreate the self assured person you "want" to be - not the self doubting person you actually are.

Actually, impono, I'm hoping that she will be able to give up this obvious charade and just be who she is on the board. No, I'm not reaching this conclusion based on one word. I can show you all of the phrases that match if you'd like, or you can open your eyes and see them for yourself, just as many others have and have written to me to say so.

The veil is so beyond transparent as to border on ridiculous. I hope that your wife can be honest and maybe avoid ridicule, or whatever other fallout might come with being discovered which seems to me to be inevitable.

Isn't it better to fess up sooner than later? I encourage--that means to SUPPORT courage--to do so.

Here is a good quote "On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good!"