Good, meditative yoga practice can be great for training your mind to stay in the moment.

What has helped me is staying positive, meditating, staying busy AND
having a PLAN in place if I found out that the dirt bag had strayed.

Both very good advice! I do have an "emergency plan" of sorts if things go bad, temporary but it would give me a place to live for a short while. I worry about "finding" him if we did part ways (for financial support) as he is very good at covering his tracks as it were.
I am looking up any yoga meditation instructions I can use........I am literally shaking with my negative thoughts.

If you can afford it, it's great to go to a class. The studio where I go starts and ends every session with a guided meditation. Guided meditation Cd's can be great, too.

Unfortunately I can't afford it right now, but I will look into either classes or a CD. H. refuses to find work here now until we leave to somewhere new....after all......as he reminds me.......he HAD a great job lined up. Yeah, 2 months of reno's at her home and sex sex sex at his new place!!! And to get paid for it too!!!! Maybe I should look for a "job" like that. The dirty scumbags to say the least. I sooooo want to send "just a little info. note" to her place of business about what she is really like. She has a very high ranking government job which requires a nice clean upstanding profile. Love to send copies of her sex texting my H. and the names of the sites where they could see "the real her" in the flesh literally!!! I really have to get out of this frame of mind!!!

You know, its not really your secret to keep. You could post on Cheaterville and well, the rest is up to you!

My Wife also obsessed over the OW. She found out more about her in a few months than I learned during the entire A. At first I was upset by her "stalking" the OW, but I realized it was information she HAD to know. In the end it did help me to see what it was I had done and who I had really been involved with. I was blinded while in the "fog" and needed the extra insight. I just wish it had been me that woke up, instead of my Wife needing to wake me up.

As for as the OW reputation... I say who cares? It's not your responsibility to protect this woman. She is an equal partner with your H in this crap, and you don't love her. My wife messaged friends of the OW to let them know what type of hypocritical double life she was leading. Praise and worship in public, sleep with other women's husbands (that's right I wasn't the only one) in private. None of them believed it, but I think it helped my wife with just a little closure. If you don't call people out on their bad behavior, it will continue and more and more people will be hurt. Eventually someone may go off the deep end and we will hear about it on the news.

My wife also called out my best friend for his bad behavior and infidelity. It ended our 40 year friendship but it had to be done. We were friends since childhood and he supported me regardless. But he was not the type of support I needed. I needed some hard truth and he never offered it. He always offered "you're OK, it's only natural." What I needed was "Dude! that ain't right! you need to stop that."

Your H needs to get past the "HAD a great job lined up" thing. No he didn't! He had an affair lined up, not a job. Why do you need to "leave to somewhere new"? I think he needs to get off his ass and find a job where you are! Not some temporary assignment across the country. I was forced into a job change back in February due to company wide layoffs. I could've taken a number of very good jobs that would've required me to travel a lot. (I love travel and field service work) But that's one of the things that allowed me to cheat. Instead I took a job that brings me home every night. Of all the job offers I had it was not my first choice...but it was the right choice.

It took me a long time of corresponding with the ow to realize she had been duped too...she believed his lies because they gave her hope....he told them so he could feel "special"....and she obliged. It still makes me crazy that she enjoyed my husbands good qualities because that is what he gave her and if he had given me half of what he spent on her we would not be suffering the way that we are....and she just gets to go on with life, free from any punishment for what she took, it is not fair or right....she will eventually "pay" for it....I have to believe that...we all pay in one way or another for the "wrong" things that we choose to do, don't we...I have to keep reminding myself that I am not the loser here, she is, she was weak and fell, not in love like she thinks but for his lies that manipulated her into an affair with a married man...and he is the bigger loser because what he had is now and forever broken, will it mend I am still not sure if it will be in one piece or two, the edges will scab over but may not adhere to each other, and certainly not they way they were before, so the lies he told himself have now cost him what he wanted her to believe, that we had a bad marriage and I was a horrible wife and person....not the truth, but he made it their truth so he could be selfishly satisfied with what he thought would make him "happy" and in the end has cost him his happiness...this place is the worst place i have ever been...and there are only a few people I would wish this on....and the festering, I could be a private eye with what I found and know....I know her better than he took the time to find out...it has given me perspective of her and her real place in all of this, but it has also made me crazy....triggers are an understatement to my daily existence....I can only hope and pray it gets better someday...or I lose some weight with the craziness, not working so far, in fact I think I am gaining weight as some sort of protective layer being added to my boarders...hang in their, don't cheat or have a revenge affair that will only complicate things like pouring gasoline on a fire...try to be good to yourself, sleep, eat, exercise, read, find a hobby you enjoy...do a little bit at a time WE ARE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS, you can beat us but you can't keep us down!!!!

I think there's a space between keeping a secret and gossiping, just big enough to leave room for doing the right thing.

My advice to our kids is simple: if you're telling to get someone into trouble, don't. If you're telling to get someone out of trouble, or into trouble now but out of trouble later, then tell.

Your advice and sharing your experiences means the world to me. Corazonroto, I feel so clearly your pain and understand so deeply. Words escape me.
Impono I read your words closely being from a man and from someone who knows how men (in general at least) think. That is very important in my trying to get through this. I agree....he should "man up" and get busy helping build us a life. I'm not sure that's what he wants. In fact, an event just happened that convinces me he doesn't.
My 2 sons own a house (where we currently stay) and one of them has just told us he wants out of the mortgage. My other son can't carry it by himself so they will loose the house. This is a BIG deal to my H. as earlier in our lives we lost a dream house and he carries the guilt and pain of that with him more heavily than what he did to us. He is insisting he and I will pay my one son's share to keep it. He looked at me in front of my son and said through clenched teeth "I had a plan in place....I've had my life shit on...I don't intend on having my son's shit on too. If I have to f...ing stay here I will. But I HAD A PLAN IN PLACE THAT WOULD HAVE LOOKED AFTER THIS!!!!!"
I guess I really don't matter to him. I am beyond devastated......he hates that I've interfered in his life. Just like I'm not a part of it that he values at all.
What do I do with this? Our "plans" for starting fresh all gone. Burdened by this financial mess. HE is the one that wants to save the house so they don't have to feel like him. I would have gladly let the house go so that we could give our lives a fighting chance. That's all gone now. I think I see the truth. I am an "obligation" of some sort to him...another "thing" he doesn't want to feel guilty for. And he will NEVER forget or forgive that I shit on his life by destroying his chance at happiness.

Treading:

The only way you are going to stop obsessing completely is when you stop caring and when you stop loving him. In the same way you can't force that you can't force the obsessing either. Only time will do it, but at some point you will reach saturation. First you will need to tell yourself, 'what if he goes with her...then he's no good for me'...and then....let it go

Yes. I need to do that if it should happen. And now I think there's a good chance that it will.

I like lovinsimple's advice. This feeling will come and go a lot before it sticks. The first time you feel it, you will be surprised, and then feel a strange sense of relief that you no longer care. But, be warned, the other emotions will come flooding back. It's a long process, but you seem like a smart woman, and you know you deserve better!!!!

Thanks for the vote on me being a "smart" woman cmonge. I really do not feel that way right now. But I do need to find some peace with myself eventually. He just told me his decisions made earlier in life (including marrying before he had a chance to "experience" life,( meaning a lot of sex partners) have screwed up his life so it really doesn't matter anymore. Funny how he still does not recognize his decision to be with another woman as one of those choices. He REALLY disregards the fact that it was going to be a relationship. He insists he was not going to ever be in another relationship (ours being the source of so much trouble for him I'm sure). Even when I pointed out that she advertises "for online flirting and a relationship" on her "sites", he denies he would have become involved. Yeah sure. He wrote how he'd love to involve her kids in activities with them. What does he call that? He's completely delusional. Maybe more of this is good for me to see to help me find my way.

Those may be lies he used to get in her pants, with no intention of following through.