I just looked, and I do see your first post is still there. Have you been able to access it again? Let me know if you need help with finding that post.

Sexy lingerie??? The counselor said this?!? That seems really odd and inappropriate for him to suggest that! What the heck!! What do YOU have to do with ANY of your husband's cheating? NOTHING - is the answer to that question.

I forget.... how long married? How long was he doing his side things?

And, it takes time. These feelings won't go away overnight or any time soon, so sorry to say.

@GirlInCalif I have only posted twice. When I click on a comment from just last week ( in my notifications) to my first post when I joined, it comes up with an error message . Post unfound.

We have been married for 38 years . He has been going to massage parlors. The sleazy ones you hear about with locked double doors, back entrances that you have to ring a door bell . He was doing this for 5 years .
I am just so broken. I thought we had a great life. As he left this morning he said… I love you, you are the love of my life. I don’t cry anymore .. or as much when he says that, but the why is there. The how could you.

How you feel is how you feel. Your feelings count or matter. The sexy nightgown thing would feel false and demeaning to me, too. You are not dwelling on it. The. man you thought you married was a mirage - the man you really married is a scumbag, a liar, and putting your own health at risk through STDs. Let's be frank about this. He is not the victim and you don't have to suck it up and ignore your own feelings. Be true to how you feel. Allow yourself to go there and be angry!

You have to decide what is best for you at this time. It is best for him to continue his marriage like nothing ever happened. He must get some therapy for his sex addiction. Having sex with his wife isn't what really turns him on unfortunately.

Allow the why and how could you to be okay within your head. Maybe you need to ask him this tonight and tomorrow night until you feel satisfied. But I think we never feel satisfied or happy with their answer. You get to choose, you do not have to stay married.

I think how you feel is totally normal. You are not the bad guy here.

I think you are trying to please him and not yourself. The counselor comment is inappropriate and maybe you need to speak up and say what you feel at the next session. Blast that counselor, be real.

For me, I would be thinking of the sleazy back door stuff for a long time. It would turn me off sex with him completely. Has he even had a physical check up for STDs? Have you? Don't let any shame keep you from getting an STD check. I've know how embarrassing this is to tell your doctor, I've been there. Mine came back all negative, no STDs but other women not so lucky. Also get an HIV test. I am sorry to say this. I feel like it piles on your feelings of shame, embarrassment, anger, rage, disdain, depression, etc. But it is important to take care of yourself first and foremost now.

click on your own name and read all the listings of your past posts.

Hi, Heartbroken. I don't often post anymore - but I often come back to DS near the anniversary of my DDAY to reconnect with people who helped me in my darkest times or try to pay forward the kindness I received.

I have mixed feelings on the sexy undies comment. I felt many "I am not enough" feelings that left me wanting to "prove" I was sexier/more appealing/better than the OW. I went out of my way to try to seduce my husband, which he LOVED. However, after doing so, I resented him. I shouldn't have had to cater to his whims to convince him to choose me. I'm also uncomfortable with the idea that sex is somehow the solution to everything.

However, and let me say this lightly, and with kind intentions, at some point, you need to start having pleasant moments with your husband again. One of the most important lessons I learned while recovering from my husband's A was that I needed to have lovely, happy, enjoyable memories to make up for the sad, angry, disappointed, hurt ones. We could not have stayed together if I had stayed in the anger and sorrow and never let in joy.

It seems contradictory, but two things that seem opposite can exist at the same time. You can laugh at something silly that happens between you and your husband while still feeling a deep sadness cast by the shadow of an AP. But if you let that shadow be the ONLY thing, then you're only left with shadows. It's OK to let in some light. You're not betraying /yourself/ and your hurt by also experiencing joy. And if you're not ready to let that light in, that's OK, too. I couldn't let joy in my first several months of recovery, so I understand if you're not ready yet. Just keep open to the possibility if you plan on staying together.

Hi Allora,
Thank you so much for all of your kind … heartfelt words. I am definitely not rushing anything. I have some days that I feel pretty good… we are talking more about life that does not include “that” topic and it feels pretty good. Then I’ll feel I have days that shoot that apart. I’m having a hard time getting past the why and how could you . I guess in part that is because I have not gotten answers . Today we had a conversation that was interrupted by a phone call. The moment was lost. Stress… midlife crisis…work…. I appreciate all insight from someone that has gone through this and understands. It’s a place that I never in a million years thought that I would be in. I guess that’s why the struggle is so difficult.

Heartbroken38,

Were you able to access your first post yet? Here is the link to your first post, I can see it on my end. Hope this helps -

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/infidelity/discussion/bad-day-46

@GirlinCalif… thank you, but this is my second post that I made.

Oh I thought you meant that you weren't able to access your 1st post. That's what my link is, above, your first post.

How are you doing now??

I am struggling. We talk more, but not like we used to. I have a hard time looking at him at times. He’s not who I thought he was. If he loves me as he says, I don’t understand how he could do the things that he did. Christmas is my favorite holiday, and I am struggling to be motivated to “get things done”. It’s so hard to take out our memories.

Thanks for the update. I'm sorry you are struggling.

How long ago did you find out about this?

I hope you are still seeing your therapist. You are married 38 years. Life with him is pretty much all you know. This will take time to get past. While you are working on this together, please make time for yourself. Your life. Do things you like to do, keep up with seeing friends, doing your hobbies, your things. It is so easy to get all consumed with the cheating, and we can think about it way too often. We have questions, we are still wondering if it has truly stopped... I know, I have been there.

Is he working hard toward earning your trust back? Is he being transparent (you can look in his phone anytime you want to, ask and verify where he says he is, etc)?

Please know these things take time. But he has to be putting 110% effort into rebuilding the relationship and the trust. He caused this, he has to fix it.