I understand your hurt. As one that has lived a lie in the past, part of the appeal is the dangerousness of the whole thing. The dopamine and adrenaline of the risk of being the "bad boy." It turns into not only a physical need in regards to a sexual release it almost turns into a need of the brain to feel that danger and risk to feel alive again. If he says he is done, he has to give you full access to his daily life. Texts, locations, phone records, social media, etc. It's so hard not to question what intentions were and what thoughts were going through their head in all the happy moments of your life. Ask him to re-visit thoughts and instances and occurences and try to make peace with it. It will hurt, but sometimes hearing it helps bring closure. I recommend a new dog! It can bring joy and companionship in your tough time.

As someone who has been on both sides unfortunatly, I understand this. Meaning, he has a lot of deep work to do. Sadly, his remorse will be deep. As far as you. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

Heart,

Keep writing it out. Get those feelings out on paper. Journaling does help. Especially when there is no one around to tell this too.

Read books, and articles online, about this.

Have you looked into therapy for yourself? You have been through a trauma, and you need your own therapist. I am not sure if you two have started marriage counseling yet, as well?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can feel your pain in your writing. It is such a big hurt and I know how it feels. For me, it's like I couldn't believe it and who is this person, do I even know them? All the lying, and sneaking around, it was really devastating for me.

It does take time to build the trust back and to feel better about him again. I wish there was an easier faster way. You will get through this. So sorry about your dog :(

@Cutdeep63...Just last week our counselor asked him about the excitement of doing this...of not getting caught.. of someone new. I do have full access of his phone. He says to look whenever I want, that he will be an open book. The counselor told me to "do the work of looking at his Google Timeline for myself" and figure it all out. We are still caught on the why..as he still has himself caught on that. He says he has never imagined us not being together and growing old together. That he has always loved me and everything about me with all of his heart. But he can't answer why he did something so completely stupid. He can't look in my eyes and see "how dead and hurt they are knowing he is the one that has done this". He also doesn't like to be asked why too much...as in by the counselor...by me. When asked if he is doing the work to figure this out. He said he goes to work every day. That's the work. It's on his mind. He doesn't know what made him make that turn.

@GirlinCalif....I have been reading...reading ...reading....and writing like crazy in my journal. I have gone solo to the counselor, but the last couple of sessions we went together. This week he is going solo. I have opted to do that because I know how my emotions are afterwards and my son's wedding is this weekend. I am going to wait until next week. In all of my joy for them, I am feeling very anxious about hearing the vows. We have already attended another wedding and it was terrible. I don't want to lose it on my two sweeties. I have read people say that "after it all they were stronger than before". Right now I don't see that, but in your experience, when did you see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel ?

Thank you so much for the kind thoughts about my fur baby. He was such a good boy. We do have his baby brother too...he has been an extra cuddler the last few days. Maybe his breed is part of it. He is a Blue Healer He's feeling out of sorts too. :(

I must add...I need to ask the why. There needs to be an answer. This didn't happen one or two times. This happened many times..over several years. Important time frames that it happened. I need to know the why. Is that wrong ? Should I not hold on to that ?