The hardest part is the grief over losing the person you thought you knew.
My advice is not to force yourself into forgiveness and allow yourself to feel what you feel. If she is truly remorseful and loves you, it will be very evident in her behavior towards you. You should be allowed to openly discuss anything you feel or think about. If she is determined to make it up to you, she will never tell you to “ get over it already ” even if it is a year down the road from now.
If she consistently shows her commitment to rebuild your relationship, eventually your sadness and visual stuff will subside and become less frequent.
I wish you all the best and hope your new relationship with your wife will be good!

I am sorry you are going through this. That must have been awful to find that video. It can be so shocking. I have found out about infidelity by accident, too. Made me feel sick to my stomach that this person could do such a thing. And that I had to find out about it by accident. Why didn't they feel remorse and come tell me the truth?

I think their lying is one of the hardest things to get past. Now, you think everything they say is a lie. You don't believe them when they say they are not cheating anymore, or when they say they're going to the store, or out with friends... you wonder what they are really doing.

First thing, make sure she has NO contact with this guy anymore. Do they work together? Then she'll have to find another job. The "other man" must be completely, 100% out of the picture, first and foremost.

Next, go to couples counseling. And, get counseling for just yourself, also. Infidelity can be traumatizing, and especially when you had no idea this has been going on.

Let us know how you're doing. Take care of you first, and your kids.

For me....it doesn't get easier to touch my spouse. I have tried to figure out the why's of it. I mean I know why....but that being said....it has been 12 years since I found out and we are still together.. I know way to much because of his hiding and lying and in the end finding out more because of that....details no spouse wants to know. Being as we have been together since we were 15 and 16. It is a hard one for me to feel like "his person" again. I feel not perfect for him anymore....not sure of myself. I feel her with him....and not just me. Even though her has been gone for 12 years, we have moved twice....we are retired....we are together all the time....I have access to his phone, email and anything I want to know....I should be ok....but.....I am not. I love him. He loves me...and would love to be closer to me. BUT.....I find that hard. why am I still with him? well. 44 years of marriage, 46 years together...two children (death of one) three grandchildren. We know each others families...high school friends are the same, people we know are the same. It is comfortable and right, we have a great friendship which used to include being amazing lovers...but his actions (five year affair) and 8 years of following hurts and lies covering up stuff. Changed that...the pain he made me live, I have PTSD in the betrayel department. YET I do know we both can't live life without one another happy. I offer to let him go, he can go find someone who can be close....he doens't want that...he wants us. He holds hope...but heck I am 62. I will just say I should feel comfortable....and I do, but not intimate. It doesn't feel the same when we kiss and touch. I feel 'her' and I know that isn't fair.....but if that is all that is wrong in our life....we could do worse. I just live with sadness and would love to feel "just his, and him just mine" with no trash brought in. BUT that can't happen...and I just have never figured out how to fix that....many say, get a divorce....yeaH? then I am alone....and in the world of today living in small town America.....learning someone new that has a bunch of trash inside them too doesn't sound great. SO I know who I am with, what has happened. We have good memories, the same friends...know one anothers family and share the same grandchildren...we love doing the same things, drinking the same wine, eating the same foods....its good. It just could of been better. If not for his mid life crisis. I think many people live their lives (especially in years past) and never find out about the affairs. I think if their is true love, they find their way back and deal with it and move on and find a deeper appreciation for what they almost screwed up. I think internet and cell phones and the ease of finding out because of technology is real. I think many happy long term married people....do have the trash in those marriages. I can't tell you how many people see us as a strong long term couple with great love for one another not knowing what went down in our marriage. I don't know what your age is. I don't know many things about you and yours as a couple. But in the gutt, heart...you know if it is worth fighting for and staying for. If my husband and I would of seperated and I let him go forward with that woman....I don't think it would of went further than a short time...I think we would of ended back up together. But I will tell you, I don't think the hurt ever goes away...I don't know if you can ever be the same type of close as you thought you were before. I don't know if it is possible.