Beach, I think there may be many cases in which lack of sex plays a role. Especially when the affair takes place in the child bearing years or during the wife's menopause due to lack of interest on her part. I get that since I have been there for both and had no interest either. However, for a woman to be interested the man must make her feel good throughout the day. I know nothing would tick me off worse than my h being an ass all day and then when we got in bed, he was ready for sex. I would tell him, "hey, I have no desire to have sex with an ASSHOLE!!!

So him being an ass to me during the day had a direct result in him having a lack of sex at night!! Since men when they are in the stages of the beginning of an affair where they are either considering it because they have someone pursuing them or when they are actually the one doing the pursuing, I have no doubt they are not staying a sweet and loving guy at home. That being the case I would imagine there are many women like me that would then not be interested in sex either.

However, I honestly believe that most affairs are about feelings of insecurity on the part of the CS. Men tend to see Love=SEX, so for a man No Sex=No Love at home. This leads to them feeling unloved and insecure which does make them vulnerable to an affair. But they can also get that insecurity from other things as well.

So I guess what I am trying to say is I disagree to a point. I can see where it would come into play as a cause but I think ultimately the reason isnt actually the sex but the feeling of insecurity on their part however it is caused in the marriage that leads to the A.

Sex, for many people, is about validation. Validation that they are attractive and worthy of being wanted by someone else.

Both men and women crave it.

Some more than others.

To generalize this to a "what men do" thing is a gross oversimplification.

Beach,
I don't agree with the lack of sex thing being a primary cause in the majority of A's. My H did have a decreased drive with me as his EA got further along. I initiated 99% of the time. I got the, "I'm old", "I'm worn out" (post deployment mind you!) excuses. So lack of sex from me was NOT an issue for us. And if my H is to be believed his OW was not a good F*ck. (Sorry but I can not call this "lovemaking"!! and sex is two teens figuring out what parts are what. My H and his whore f*cked!)
For my H I think his ego needed stroking, not his dick. He has a very needy ego, and as I have mentioned on here before, he says he felt I was controlling. He has also said that I take over friendships with couples we are friends with and this was something that was "just his" thus the justification as to why whe his A was at the "friend stage" he hid it from me. And my H was the "savior" for this poor Iraqi refugee girl in an arranged marriage. (I'm gagging at writing that!)
No I don't think A's are all about sex. I think it is more about insecurity and ego.

My H was and still is just plain needy, selfish, manipulating, domineering and just down-right disgusting sometimes. I don't even try to understand the "why". It's just WRONG no matter which way you look at it. No excuses! Lack of sex, ego, esteem, etc. no excuse for it! I don't care who you are. If your committed to someone else then stay committed to them until the end (divorce, death, etc.). But stay true and honest.

I think sex is a byproduct of most affairs.

SCENARIO......

A married couple, together 20 years, are having less sex......and not as stellar as in the early years.
One, or both may feel 'less wanted, attractive, etc.

In the beginning of an affair......that less wanted feeling is filled by the affair partner. They begin having sex as a byproduct of their fling.

I think its the chicken vs egg thing.

In my own case there was alot going on between the two of us. My H told me that coupled with the stress of work and family obligations he felt lonely and unwanted. He did not seek out his partner, but once she threw her p&%$y at him he wasn't about to say no and he didn't. I had a personal epiphany yesterday and he couldn't disagree. She never asked any thing of him. She offered him every moment of her day and continuously threw sex at him. From what I've seen on the phone bill it was 8-10 hours everyday for 10 weeks until I found out. There was no pressure in this relationship it was easy. Pure escape. I believe that the sex just seals the deal, but I don't think it's the main reason.

3guysmom

I believe you are minimizing your husbands side here. I think you are doing it to protect your image of him. You say HE was stressed....but she was THROWING HER PUSSY at him. How exactly do you THROW your pussy onto someone? For EVERY moment she offered him....HE OFFERED HER. You say she CONTINUOUSLY THREW SEX AT HIM. I don't think that is how it worked. They talked TOGETHER.....they met TOGETHER....they had sex TOGETHER.

It appears that you want to believe that she was controlling him by offering him sex.

I know you want to believe this....It makes it easier to swallow. I can assure you......IT WAS COMPLETELY MUTUAL.

In my case, sex was never an issue. While we were together, my ex got it however and whenever he wanted it. For 13 years we averaged 5 to 6 times per week. While away on vacation together just a couple months before he left it was 3 or 4 times per day. Sex was never a problem. If anything it became more passionate in the last year. He always seemed to want me and I always wanted him. We actually slept together right after we broke up. We split but he still reached for me and I responded. Nope, never an issue.
With my ex, in retrospect, I see a man with no balls. Too afraid to voice his own opinion and too small to have my opinion be different that his. We "went along" with things he never told me he didn't want to do. I assumed he agreed because he said he did. Go figure I was supposed to read his mind? He gave in and then built resentment towards me for things I knew nothing about. When he became "friends" with the OW he now had a person he could unload this on. I am sure it felt really good to get it off his chest. Sadly, the OW gave him "advice" and "a woman's point of view" on things that was intentionally slanted to make herself look good. She never gave him my point of view because she never had it. She was never a true friend to him, his family or his marriage. She had an agenda and she worked it. He was too stupid to figure it out. It's okay though. I deserve more of a man than he ever was and she deserves exactly what she has. A poor excuse for one.
But sex was never, ever the issue.

Blindsided, he has taken complete responsibility for his actions. He made the choice on his own to go to her, yes. Our marriage was under alot of stress and his work situation is horrible. She aggressively pursued him and there was no substance to the relationship. She was unemployed, and yes, spent every waking moment throwing her pussy at him. While I agree that he willingly went to her she made the playbook. He told me just last night that he realizes that the relationship was just fantasy and could never had been more. It wasn't the sex he craved as much as the constant attention. It was just a bonus.

For my situation, it was total sex thing and the fact that he didn't feel NEEDED. We had our son and I was not able to give him 100% of my time. He found someone 19 years younger "thang" than him who had absolutely no responsiblity what so ever. She could make him the center of her world, which is what he was use to with me. I tried to show him more attention but it was not good enough he had to share time with his son.

It was for my H.... That's why he went to Ashleymadison.com... He wanted to find someone to hookup with. Writing sex stories, having phone sex and commenting on women's nekked pics weren't enough for him anymore... So, yea, for a sex addict, it's all about the sex... That and the huge ego boost he got knowing other women wanted to get laid by him...

And, yes, that's all this A was to him... After reading all of the text msgs and listening to the voicemails on H's phone, everything was about hooking up or doing something sexy - nude modeling, etc... Guess - can't think of a bad enough name to call her right now- let herself believe she meant more to him than something to scratch his itch...

3GUYSMOM

I am SURE that she paid a LOT of attention to your husband ONCE THE AFFAIR STARTED.

Just looking for some real input here......what EXACTLY did she do......BEFORE the affair started.

I say this because I know the following......

When Someone is interested in someone else....and they decide to express it somehow (like buying flowers, or flirting)........

IF the TARGET party is NOT interested........it will be conveyed quite easily. A simple GLANCE AWAY from the person USUALLY gives a STRONG message. OR......a SIMPLE........I am married, and NOT interested....if they are persistant.

SO......WHAT DID SHE DO SO AGGRESSIVELY BEFORE THE AFFAIR......and HOW DID YOUR HUSBAND ADDRESS IT.

Looking for real feedback.

First couple times he said no. She started sending nude pics and he told her he wasn't comfortable with it. She suggested they get together at a hotel when we were having serious issues with our son and fighting every day and he said yes. He is guilty, no doubt about it. The pursuit lasted 2 months before the first sexual encounter occurred. She would pay for the hotels so they could meet and tell him where to go. They were in contact probably 8 hours of the day by text. Believe me he's not off the hook. He was weak and stupid.

That is an odd the answer of 'why infidelity' was given that way. I believe my H's was an emotional one and an exit affair. In all the books I have been reading the statistics say the majority is based on emotional needs from the affair partner which then leads to sex and you have that deeper level of bond between the two. That is a hard pill to swallow. Sex was never an issue with us. The distance and withdrawal between us that grew was the reason IMO. Doesn't make it right of course not but I am understanding it a lot more.

First couple times he said no. She started sending nude pics and he told her he wasn't comfortable with it. She suggested they get together at a hotel when we were having serious issues with our son and fighting every day and he said yes.

How was she sending nude pics?
Did your husband give her his phone# or Email address?

She was sending nude pics.....and your husband replied....'i'm not comfortable with this? HOGWASH

DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!