ok Blind, you have my curiosity up... You don't think a married man would be uncomfortable receiving nude pics of someone they know?? Especially since they know that person is interested in them?

I'm not challenging, I'm just curious as to why not...? I would be mortified if someone sent me nude pics, and terrified that my H would have found out which would cause all kinds of other problems.

"ok Blind, you have my curiosity up... You don't think a married man would be uncomfortable receiving nude pics of someone they know?? Especially since they know that person is interested in them?"

YES, many married men would be shocked.
I don't think that SHOCKING nude exchanges occur much.
I think there is a lead up to it.

Her husband must have given her his # for her to do that.
Furthermore, I am SURE that the first correspondence was NOT a nude shot.
AND....I DON't THINK SHE THREW HER PUSSY AT HIM.

I tend to agree with blindsided here!The one thing that I have been told over and over again is that men are very visual which is quite different than women.So while it may not turn us on to get a nude pic from anyone other than the person that we are invovled with,men may see it differently!Have you ever gone into a chat room?You would not believe how many women there are offering to webcam for you and take off their clothes while you watch!It is sick but imagine what it is like for some men who go into these chat rooms!It is like being a kid in a candy store!Or a p***y store-whatever term floats your boat!But if a man gives a woman his cell phone number or email address,it in with the knowledge and consent that what he may be receiving from the ow is not just a text msg or email stating their undying love for him!Sexting is the hottest thing to hit since the invention of the microwave!

Beach, my H is a narcissist. He craves attention from everyone he encounters, so his A had to do with his wanting attention. The sex kept him going back. At the time, I was busy with the kids, but no, our sex life never really suffered. We always had incredible sex. His insecurities have set the stage for this crazy need for validation. The OW is 10 years older than my H, and she is twice divorced. They saw each other until she couldn't take it anymore, based on what he told the MC. She wanted a R, but he never left me. Why? Because he was getting 90 percent of his needs met at home, and only 10 percent with her. This is the classic setting for EMRs. Men string their OW along with promises that they'll leave their Ws, and never do, because their Ws are not as bad as they make them out to be. But it works to keep the OW involved and working hard to get them. I just finished reading "Dating a Married: Memoirs from the Other Women.'' It really puts this thing in perspective. Also, the book, "Help! I'm in Love with a Narcissist!'' is also a good one. They both explain the psychology behind what is really going on. The stuff that narcissists don't want to face about themselves. It will give you a leg up and keep you one step ahead if this is what you're dealing with. Good luck. Hope this post helps.

Hmph,
What's an EMR??
My H too kept promising the OW that we were divorcing, he was seeing a lawyer, etc. None of it was true.

EMR is Extra-marital Affair. Sorry.

Lack of sex in our marriage was never a problem. It defintely waxed and waned but generally it was good. The OW being attracted to H was a huge motivator for H as it was someone different, new and exciting. She was a divorced lonely woman who threw constant sex, flattery and worship at him and he responded. The A never would have started if H had not flirted with her at work and probaly made her feel important to him. Sex at home was not the issue. Our marriage was not the issue. He was the only issue that mattered to him at the time.

I think sex and intimacy in general are inextricably linked. Without sex, there is reduced/lost intimacy - and its the lack of intimacy that allows a person to wander - if they are so inclined.

Thats why the hysterical bonding thing happens - its a rush to return to intimacy. However short lived it may be.

I see your point Blind... I didn't even think about the lead up to the pics being sent... Just the arrival..

Blindsided, I do realize that he accepted her advances and gave in. He's owned it and we're dealing with it. You're probably right that I've minimized it to some point. Maybe that's how I'm justifying staying in the marriage and working things out. There have been many painful experiences for me since d-day 11 weeks ago. He's come clean on all aspects of the A and he hasn't seen her since their last encounter a few days before I found out. I know she contacted him in June and he told her that he was committed to reconciling with me. He opened the door and allowed her in. I can't change that. I'm willing to forgive and that's important to me.

I see Blind's point also.

Another thing..

Even if SHE THREW HER PUSSY AT HIM - HE SHOULD'VE THROWN IT BACK!

3GUYSMOM-

I've minimized it to some point.

Good, I am glad you see it.

Now, let me explain why I was driving this point home to you.

The sooner we accept that our loved ones were 100% responsible, the sooner we are able to process it correctly.
I too inappropriately blamed the OM.
I felt he was an opportunist because of the problems we were having at that time.

It took me A LONG time to accept that HER expressed dissatisfaction to the OM was only a VERY SMALL part of the affair.
It was included just to show the OM she wasn't a whore.
e.g-who would cheat if they are happy.

So, the affair has NOTHING to do with OM or OW.

Although my STBX NEVER (even still today) admitted to flirting to OM in the beginning.....I know she is minimizing and lying.

She gave him the signals that she was interested just like your husband did.

It's just one small facet of recovery.....but we have to accept that the affair is 100% (not 50) their fault.

I understand what 3GuysMom is saying. The A was 50/50. My H accpeted her Facebook request and then happened to run into her on a trip home for which I did not travel with him. I do think she used information on FB to find out he was going to be home and to conveniently see him.

Mistake he made was to continue talking with her. Obviously he made quite the impression on her because he drove to meet her for a four day tryst. So he is just as guilty as her.

However in my pea little brain, it is easier to make her out to be the coniving villian who stole my H instead of the fact that in all honesty my H was a weasel for his part in the whole A.

Thing is, I am trying my best to keep my marriage together and live in my own little fantasy world to keep my sanity intact. I take responsibility for wearing the rose colored glasses as I try to manuver through territory that does not come with directions. He broke the rules and here I am trying to keep us all together in the fallout.

I hear you thebeach and 3guys....I sincerely do!

I deluded myself for a long time before the stark reality smacked me in the face.

What I am trying to offer is .....the simple insight that blaming the OM/OW is COMPLETELY delusional.

I actually talked with my H about this today. He has always reminded me that he was a willing participant. He made the choice that brought us here. She aggressed and pursued but ultimately he made the decision to screw her for 10weeks. I have reached acceptance and am taking the final steps towards healing. I've given up on what ifs, constant snooping, and the pity parties. I've realized that I'm an incredibly strong person to come through this feeling hopeful. I know I'll never trust him 100% again and I've mourned the loss of that trust. I'm just hoping that I can keep the pain just one step behind me and move forward with the next phase of our lives. I hate every time I say this, but the A saved my marriage and has made us stronger.