Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I was thinking of putting this as a journal entry, but then I thought this sounded more like a discussion for the general audience. So...
I had a sort of "revelation" of late. Recently, my W and I began reading "After the Affair." Still not sure what I think of the book as a whole, he makes some good points at times. One issue I disagree with, but that would get us off track. But one thing he said I hadn't read much about in the other two books I've read on the subject ("Not Just Friends" and "His Needs, Her Needs") is how an affair in the aftermath affects your self-worth, specifically speaking of the BS.
My first thought was, uh? I mean, I would think the guilt of the CS would cause that, they are the one's who hold the "blame" for the affair and nearly destroying the marriage, assuming it doesn't end there. Why would it affect my self-esteem as a BS since it wasn't my fault? Certainly I'm hurt, and it was a huge shock. But self-esteem? I know some of us here due to blameshifting and gaslighting feel our self-esteems attacked, but I guess in my situation that hasn't happened at all. So I didn't really get what he was saying here, as something real and not just incorrect blame.
And I've read about on here and other places where a rebuilding couple tends to fall apart sometimes a year or two out. And I posted a thread sometime ago about that topic, as some of you may recall, wondering what causes that.
Well, the thought occurred to me which made more sense out of both of those issues. I think when he was speaking about "self-esteem" and worth, what he was really talking about is dealing with 'who am I." As with any traumatic event, one's life changes significantly. Life doesn't go back to what it was before.
In my own case, I am doing things that before dday I wouldn't have considered as important. I'm spending more time with my W. Certainly a good thing, but before the A I felt my task like working on my next book or such was very important, and wasting time going to the store or lifting weights at the gym, while nice, would only take time away from what I really wanted to get done. After dday, my priorities changed drastically. I realize my W is much more important to me than getting that next book out. Yes, it will get out, maybe not as quickly, but it will get out. And that book, for all the fun of writing it, is not worth losing my wife over, or essentially telling her with my actions, "You aren't as important."
But it took the trauma of the affair to make that change happen. I would like to think I could have made the change in a less damaging way, but it is what it is. And in that regard, the change is positive. Other changes, especially for other couples, may not be so welcome. Like for me, the loss of security and innocence in the relationship. That's gone, never to be recovered. A change I lament.
But something interesting happened this week. My W said, for the first time since dday and the beginning of her affair, that she felt sorry and remorse for the security and innocence we lost because of her actions. She said she was aware of them before and sad at losing them, but this week, almost 7 months after dday, is the first time she felt within herself the sorrow over losing that in the A.
And she made a statement which clicked a light on. She was in a funk today, and we talked on the phone while she cleaned house. She was crying over this, and she said in many ways, its like so much has changed about her, she's not sure who she is anymore. Like she has to re-find herself. She looks back at what she did, and it doesn't fit who she was before the A. And it doesn't fit who she is now, and she has changed in several ways.
One thing I've learned is that any changes, no matter whether positive or negative, create a period of stress known as an identity shift/crisis. We encountered this some years ago when we made a major shift in religious affiliation. I had been a pastor of a very laid back style of worship and set that aside to start attending as just a person seeking to enter another group, starting at what felt like ground zero, a much more formal worship setting. That's a big shift, from leader to "who are you again?" And for several months, I would be standing in worship and have moments when I would look around as we worshiped and ask myself, "What the heck am I doing here?" It felt so strange, so...not me. And the whole time period was a time of redefining who I was as a person. Things I'd believed and held to most of my life to that point were thrown into question.
But sometime between one and two years of worshiping there, that feeling became less and less, until one time as the Christmas season rolled around, I found myself looking forward to the "new" Christmas hymns we would be singing. I realized it now felt like "me."
It took about one to two years for my new identity to feel like me. And I think that's what the author was getting at, what we are going through, and why around that time period people tend to have problems.
My W and I have made some major changes about how we relate to each other. Her interest themselves have changed since before the A. Before the A, for example, she loved to watch all the reality shows. American Idol, Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Starts, etc., etc. I didn't really care, couldn't stand some of them at all (the Bachelor just makes me want to gag myself with a spoon listening to the whining, "I thought he loved me!") But she watched these shows like it was a religion. One of the signs I should have picked up on early on but didn't is her interest in these shows faded. She no longer watched them. She didn't care about them when before, I didn't dare get in her way of watching one of those shows.
And since dday, she still hasn't shown any interest in those shows that she used to love. That's just one minor example. Her taste have changed. What she was interested in has changed. Even her desire for sex, as I've reported numerous times, has changed, apparently permanently, as that is now more than a year old and going strong.
So I think what happens is until a year has passed, most of us working toward rebuilding feel like things are pretty much up in the air. Everything is in flux, there's no sense of permanency. The question, "Who am I" goes through change in the aftermath of the A for both BS and CS.
But at some point around one to two years, that new identity, whatever it is, gets solidified and you start feeling like, "This is who I am." And two things can happen at that point. One, "I can work with this, or even love some aspects of it, our marriage is stronger, we are more in love with each other, etc." Or two, "I hate the new me, the new us, and I can't put up with this for the rest of my life."
Up until that happens, you're hoping things will get "fixed" and it will all end up great. But once the new identity begins to solidify as "this is it, this is what we've, what I've become," then it forces you to make a decision whether this is what you want to be. And if you don't like it, you jump ship.
I think that's why you may see some BSs after a year or two has passed, seemed to be doing well in the rebuilding, suddenly crash and burn, because they can't see themselves putting up with the "new me." When that settles into one's consciousness as "this is me now," it either scares us or reassures us.
But putting it in terms of an identity crisis makes sense out of why that happens, and why everyone says it will take at least around a couple of years to "get over" this, because that is how long it takes for whatever changes have been made, positive or negative, to feel no longer like a change, but like "who I am." No longer temporary, could change at any time, but permanent.
Does that make sense?
I had a sort of "revelation" of late. Recently, my W and I began reading "After the Affair." Still not sure what I think of the book as a whole, he makes some good points at times. One issue I disagree with, but that would get us off track. But one thing he said I hadn't read much about in the other two books I've read on the subject ("Not Just Friends" and "His Needs, Her Needs") is how an affair in the aftermath affects your self-worth, specifically speaking of the BS.
My first thought was, uh? I mean, I would think the guilt of the CS would cause that, they are the one's who hold the "blame" for the affair and nearly destroying the marriage, assuming it doesn't end there. Why would it affect my self-esteem as a BS since it wasn't my fault? Certainly I'm hurt, and it was a huge shock. But self-esteem? I know some of us here due to blameshifting and gaslighting feel our self-esteems attacked, but I guess in my situation that hasn't happened at all. So I didn't really get what he was saying here, as something real and not just incorrect blame.
And I've read about on here and other places where a rebuilding couple tends to fall apart sometimes a year or two out. And I posted a thread sometime ago about that topic, as some of you may recall, wondering what causes that.
Well, the thought occurred to me which made more sense out of both of those issues. I think when he was speaking about "self-esteem" and worth, what he was really talking about is dealing with 'who am I." As with any traumatic event, one's life changes significantly. Life doesn't go back to what it was before.
In my own case, I am doing things that before dday I wouldn't have considered as important. I'm spending more time with my W. Certainly a good thing, but before the A I felt my task like working on my next book or such was very important, and wasting time going to the store or lifting weights at the gym, while nice, would only take time away from what I really wanted to get done. After dday, my priorities changed drastically. I realize my W is much more important to me than getting that next book out. Yes, it will get out, maybe not as quickly, but it will get out. And that book, for all the fun of writing it, is not worth losing my wife over, or essentially telling her with my actions, "You aren't as important."
But it took the trauma of the affair to make that change happen. I would like to think I could have made the change in a less damaging way, but it is what it is. And in that regard, the change is positive. Other changes, especially for other couples, may not be so welcome. Like for me, the loss of security and innocence in the relationship. That's gone, never to be recovered. A change I lament.
But something interesting happened this week. My W said, for the first time since dday and the beginning of her affair, that she felt sorry and remorse for the security and innocence we lost because of her actions. She said she was aware of them before and sad at losing them, but this week, almost 7 months after dday, is the first time she felt within herself the sorrow over losing that in the A.
And she made a statement which clicked a light on. She was in a funk today, and we talked on the phone while she cleaned house. She was crying over this, and she said in many ways, its like so much has changed about her, she's not sure who she is anymore. Like she has to re-find herself. She looks back at what she did, and it doesn't fit who she was before the A. And it doesn't fit who she is now, and she has changed in several ways.
One thing I've learned is that any changes, no matter whether positive or negative, create a period of stress known as an identity shift/crisis. We encountered this some years ago when we made a major shift in religious affiliation. I had been a pastor of a very laid back style of worship and set that aside to start attending as just a person seeking to enter another group, starting at what felt like ground zero, a much more formal worship setting. That's a big shift, from leader to "who are you again?" And for several months, I would be standing in worship and have moments when I would look around as we worshiped and ask myself, "What the heck am I doing here?" It felt so strange, so...not me. And the whole time period was a time of redefining who I was as a person. Things I'd believed and held to most of my life to that point were thrown into question.
But sometime between one and two years of worshiping there, that feeling became less and less, until one time as the Christmas season rolled around, I found myself looking forward to the "new" Christmas hymns we would be singing. I realized it now felt like "me."
It took about one to two years for my new identity to feel like me. And I think that's what the author was getting at, what we are going through, and why around that time period people tend to have problems.
My W and I have made some major changes about how we relate to each other. Her interest themselves have changed since before the A. Before the A, for example, she loved to watch all the reality shows. American Idol, Biggest Loser, Dancing with the Starts, etc., etc. I didn't really care, couldn't stand some of them at all (the Bachelor just makes me want to gag myself with a spoon listening to the whining, "I thought he loved me!") But she watched these shows like it was a religion. One of the signs I should have picked up on early on but didn't is her interest in these shows faded. She no longer watched them. She didn't care about them when before, I didn't dare get in her way of watching one of those shows.
And since dday, she still hasn't shown any interest in those shows that she used to love. That's just one minor example. Her taste have changed. What she was interested in has changed. Even her desire for sex, as I've reported numerous times, has changed, apparently permanently, as that is now more than a year old and going strong.
So I think what happens is until a year has passed, most of us working toward rebuilding feel like things are pretty much up in the air. Everything is in flux, there's no sense of permanency. The question, "Who am I" goes through change in the aftermath of the A for both BS and CS.
But at some point around one to two years, that new identity, whatever it is, gets solidified and you start feeling like, "This is who I am." And two things can happen at that point. One, "I can work with this, or even love some aspects of it, our marriage is stronger, we are more in love with each other, etc." Or two, "I hate the new me, the new us, and I can't put up with this for the rest of my life."
Up until that happens, you're hoping things will get "fixed" and it will all end up great. But once the new identity begins to solidify as "this is it, this is what we've, what I've become," then it forces you to make a decision whether this is what you want to be. And if you don't like it, you jump ship.
I think that's why you may see some BSs after a year or two has passed, seemed to be doing well in the rebuilding, suddenly crash and burn, because they can't see themselves putting up with the "new me." When that settles into one's consciousness as "this is me now," it either scares us or reassures us.
But putting it in terms of an identity crisis makes sense out of why that happens, and why everyone says it will take at least around a couple of years to "get over" this, because that is how long it takes for whatever changes have been made, positive or negative, to feel no longer like a change, but like "who I am." No longer temporary, could change at any time, but permanent.
Does that make sense?
I have challenged Cole quite a bit in the past! You can ask him! I did question whether more data flowed directly to the "intellectual bank" and not enough went into the "emotional bank". I argued, I complained, i challenged, I disagreed.
Based on Cole's response, my take on it is that:
Cole, you are being sincere with what you feel, say, and write, however, it took me some time and convincing, as well as me thinking about it on my own.
I offered advice, I gave my point of view, I tried to share my insight about dealing with it more emotionally, and not letting the intellectualism take charge, as a possible coping mechanism.
We can only offer insight, with hopes it helps.
And then, it is up to the individual to decide what to do with that info: to ponder it, accept it, inculcate it, to discard it, etc and even to ignore it!!!
But everyone's choice really, isn't it? Thank God, that is what makes us unique like the fingerprint or the snowflake! lol
It is a *generalization* that I've heard from some respected sources. Like any generalization, anyone that doesn't fit that mold is going to think it is wrong or off. Whether that generalization is true or not in general, it seems to bear out upon the people I've known, and in my own situation. If the shoe doesn't fit, don't wear it.
And I know the change in religions isn't equivalent. I wasn't implying that at all. The shift in identity and taking two years for it to settle in has some similarities. But certainly the A is different in many ways, both in content, attitude, and degree of hurt. I was only relating it to the identity crisis and shift as a point of familiarity.
And thanks, Blonde, for the understanding.
Blind, maybe its bullcrap, but its bullcrap that I'm being honest about. It really feels to me we're talking past each other. Because what I'm hearing you say is pain/hurt/jealousy = hit to the self-esteem. I have and do acknowledge that for many, that equation would be true. So here is my summation as simple as I can make it.
Dictionary definition of self-esteem:
"Pride in oneself; self-respect."
American Heritage Dictionary
"respect for or a favourable opinion of oneself"
Collins English Dictionary
I've seen other sites and definitions which include the view of one's self-worth, and includes how one *feels* about themselves as a person of worth.
It is common knowledge that many people view their self-worth/self-esteem based on how others view them. This tends to be true a lot in the early years of ones life, but often continues on into adulthood.
For people who source their self-esteem based on what others think of them, I understand how their partner cheating on them can make them feel lower self-worth, and view themselves in a poorer light, despite having done nothing wrong. Combine that with any blameshifting and gaslighting, and it can be quite the blow.
I get that. I understand that. And in that framework, being hurt, jealous, angry, and all the emotions that go with it, part of that is fueled by the lower self-esteem because what how you perceived your partner viewing you affects that. Your hurt because you feel he/she said in effect "I don't love you as much as I've said I did in the past, I wanted someone else." IOW, your worth in their eyes gets translated over to your worth in your eyes.
I totally get that and understand that dynamic. And that most people tend to view their worth through other people's eyes.
Simply put, in the past, I've tended not to do that as much. Sure the A hurt. Sure I cried. I cried over the loss, over what it was doing to her, over what we would both potentially lose, and the fear of losing her was great because I loved her.
But I didn't have those emotions because I felt I was worth less because of her actions. I don't know how else to put this other than I don't tend to base my self-worth on the views I perceive others have about me. I'm not going to say it doesn't affect me at all, but if someone thinks I'm the scum of the earth, and I know they are wrong, it doesn't affect my self-esteem. Likewise, if I do something that causes someone else pain, then that *does* affect my self-esteem negatively. And I've done plenty of those types of things in my life.
I don't think of this as semantics so much as simply the way I am. I'm not saying it is better than everyone else, or worse. It's just what is. The truth is I never felt bad about myself, or that I was worth less going through the A. Because for me, that would only be affected if I had done something worth lowering my self-esteem over, like if I had hit her after she confessed. Or any number of responses that would violate who I am as a person, my "worth" as I see it.
So I can have all sorts of emotions and hurt hit me, but that in and of itself doesn't equate to a lower self-esteem, because what others think of me doesn't affect that very much, if at all. My worth is connected to what I do, not what others think I did or do. No, my emotions spring from the loss, my love for her and seeing the damage it did to her.
Now maybe I'm deceiving myself, and if so, maybe it will come out in due time. If I am, I'm doing a very good job of it because this is how I've felt and reacted to things for most of my adult life. As an older teen dealing with a low self-esteem problem, I realized my esteem shouldn't be based on what other people think. I believed it, and incorporated that into my life. And have been operating that way since. It isn't something I force myself to do, that's just the way I am.
Ones self-identity however is formed not just by self-esteem, but by how you live, what you find important, what you believe in, desire, even the daily routine. History. So small changes can create a small identity shift, and most of ours happen that way, gradually over time. But sometimes big ones come along, and the changes it requires us to put into place create a major identity shift. So things like my W no longer being interested in the shows she used to like to watch prior to the A is part of that. Watching those shows sort of was part of how she saw herself.
And for me, my spending more time with her, going to the gym, going shopping with her, are both big changes to what I used to do. Whereas before those things didn't seem so important, now they do. And it will take one to two years, based on my past experiences of such changes, to no longer feel like those are "changes' but part of my normal life, way of doing things, etc.
I don't know if that makes any more sense of it or not for Blind or anyone else. But all I know how to do is be me, and that's where I'm at. No bull.
It took me a while, to get ya, but I think I gotcha!
Probably cuz we may have some similar philosophies, values, and how we derive our self esteem, ( a huge % based on our own or intra values as opposed to inter-values or from others).
But like I said earlier, different strokes for different folks! lol
Hope you and Gabrielle have a good and memorable Christmas!
My H had an EA one yr ago. I highly suspect he had a ONS a few months ago. My self esteem is in tact. I will tell you why I think this. The ONS girl is a dumb ass, ugly bitch.
The EA girl was someone I trusted, a friend. At the time of discovery, I felt like it was one sided on my H's part. Reflecting back, she was subltely seducing him in front of my eyes. I saw it then and did not do anything to stop it..... because I didn't really see it..... Still self esteem was ok.Still is.
What is not intact. I have little hope for MY future. I know that unless it becomes unbearable, like abuse or serial cheating.I will stay. Idk where that puts me on the happiness scale.My kids are going to be fine. My H will be fine. All in time. However, for me the betrayal goes so deep that at this point I don't think I will ever recover on the inside. I can go through the motions... work, kids ,sex, love...I can do it,but I don't think I can feel it again. My joy for life is gone. I blame him for this,but Im not really angry. I am just empty. I have lost hope in myself. When I read what I just wrote I thnk how can my Self esteem not be in the crapper. IDK.... Im just riding out the waves....rambling a little here....sorry
Cole&Blind-- I learned so much from your debates. Thanks. I also want to commend you both for not turning it into a war. I think you guys did great not bashing each other.
Now that it seems, his ducks are more ina row, not perfect as he says, but getting much improved, and it seemed it happened quite quickly to process all that pain....that he chimes in, when he feelshe has something to offer as well.
Well that's my take on it, Lisette!
Yes, what Blonde said. I've asked question on here, and sought support. If you haven't, go read my journals. You'll get a sense of the pain I went through. When Blind asked that question, it seemed to be coming from a place of lashing out or something as he seemed to think I had an agenda or something. I figured best to not potentially add fuel to some hidden fire at that point, is why I didn't answer it. I didn't really know what to make of his statements on all that, as I didn't know where it was coming from. So I didn't know how to respond appropriately.
I've always been one if I think I can add something to a conversation that will help, I do. If I feel everyone else has said what needs being said, I keep quiet. You'll see several threads on here I've not responded to. I read through several yesterday, felt I would only be repeating what had already been said, and moved on. My questions as this point mostly deal with what to expect in the future, will my W make it or not, and how can we further improve our marriage, and how do I find the balance between making sure her needs are met without abandoning my own needs and desires. But because my W has done so good, I don't feel that insecure about our relationship now, she's paying back the trust I "loaned" her, making progress on her healing. So far, it seems to be working. But who knows? Next week I could be posting that I've discovered she's out with another man again. I'm not taking anything for granted again.
But the initial trauma for me is over, even though I'm sure I'll continue to experience "flashbacks" on occasion. As long as she continues to head the right direction, I'll be fine. We both have a lot to look forward to, and despite the losses, we've had some gains, and I've accepted that's how it is, and want to move forward. Right now, overall, I'm happy, with occasional lamenting/depression over what was lost, but those are becoming more infrequent. My main concern was for her own healing. My happiness hinges on that. My self-esteem doesn't, but because I love her, my happiness does.
As far as what I've felt, to put it in the "short" form. First came total shock and denial, at least I wanted to deny it, but there it was in her own words. Sort of hard to deny that. Held to slight hope that she was just making stuff up to online sex chat friends to play along with the "being bad" jive, without actually doing it. But the way she talked, that didn't seem likely. And it wasn't.
The next feelings was a tremendous sense of loss, and wondering how she could possibly do something like that. I felt she loved me, at least that's what it seemed on the surface up to that point. We were having sex everyday, so I had no hint that she would want to go to someone else. A lot of questions off the bat, and not knowing where her heart was. Suddenly, in the space of a couple of minutes, I felt like I no longer knew who she was. I knew she had changed over the past few months. I didn't know what to expect.
After she confessed to everything I knew the day I confronted her (I didn't know how lucky I was that my CS didn't do the "trickle truth" on me at the time), and some I didn't, I asked her whether she wanted me or him. That was the scariest question, because so much of our future would ride on what her answer was. Because for me, if she was ambivalent or hesitant, that would be translated as her decision to reject me. I wouldn't stand for anything more than "I'm dumping him and going with you" if we were to rebuild. When she enthusiastically said she wanted me, three times, and hugged me, a giant weight lifted off of me. I felt we'd cleared one giant hurdle, and rebuilding could move forward. Most any other answer would have left that in much doubt.
And the biggest question I had at the time, before confronting her, was where do we go from here? Especially since in three days we were planning on heading off for our 29th anniversary trip. I had no idea whether to cancel that or go through with it. Until she answered that question, I had no idea if I would be forced to go through a divorce, or if we would work on picking up the pieces and moving forward together.
When I confronted her, my biggest emotions were grave disappointment. Over the next few days we did a lot of talking, and started reading books. But my feelings were going through the general steps for grieving a loss like I experienced. After the denial, came some anger, mostly directed toward the first man who chased after her, breaking her walls down. I saw him as leaving a wake of destruction in his path, a serial cheater. He lived with someone, but wanted to get sex from wherever he could find it, without regard for the hurt he caused on the person and their family. He knew she was happily married. She told him numerous times during the whole thing that she could never do the things he wanted. But she also sent out opposite signals that kept him perusing her. But knowing that, if he had any sense of decency about him, he should have backed off. He didn't care for her as a person, never bothered to get to know her as a person. All he cared about was sex, and getting it any way he could no matter what lives he destroyed in the process. To me, that's evil. I hope for his sake and the lives he still hasn't destroyed that he changes his ways, but I don't hold out much hope for that. But God has reached such people before.
And I was angry at the main affair partner she had, where she went "all the way" with him, for a month and a half before dday. In part because he should have known better too since he'd been cheated on himself. And I was angry at her for putting us and our family in this situation, for allowing herself to be caught up in emotions that could have had destroyed our family. Huge risks with minimal benefit. It's no different than if I went to Vegas and threw my wife and family and finances and health and soul on the table and said, "Roll 'em."
During the first three weeks, until sometime in the fourth week when I finally felt that contact had been broken between her and the OM, I was a basket case. Any hint that she wasn't going to pull out of this successfully sent me into a tailspin. One day, fearing she was still seeing him, I had to leave work "sick" because I couldn't stop crying, and I had to get home to start checking up on her. Things she'd said that morning made me feel she was surely going back to him. She wasn't, but I feared the worst.
But this mostly came from the sense that she would be destroyed and lost, that our family would be torn apart. That she would be spiritually lost. I was concerned for her redemption, and any indications that I would lose her to that is what stressed me out.
I also was depressed for a good bit of the time, mainly I think from the stress that things might end the wrong way. I still grieve the loss of our trusting relationship before the A. But as I've said in other post, those are more glances in the rear view mirror now. My focus from the start is "how do we fix this going forward?" I had forgiven her for what she did, and I meant it. I've even forgiven the other men, not to say what they did was okay, because it certainly wasn't, but because if I hold onto that anger it will only harm me. They won't have a clue, and even if they did, what good would it do?
And when she agreed with me that the first man was "evil" and I hugged her, it was emotion that came from the fact it showed she was being healed, that she was coming out of the fog, and could see things as they really were. Each step she's taken toward that goal I rejoice in. And is why I tell CSs the best thing you can do to help heal your BS is to work on healing yourself. Because that's where the insecurity for the BS is, that the CS will return to the OP, will seek out new people, that he or she hasn't changed and will do what they did before because the character flaw which allowed them to do this hasn't been addressed.
And to my W's credit, she has been working hard on that and I've seen step after step taken in the right directions. And that primarily is why we've done as well as we have. Without that, I would still be an emotional wreck. Or by now, I may have already given up on it.
I know people think I'm so quick to get over this. Well, yes and no. Quick in that I'm not an emotional person by nature, so when I do have them, they are big, and then subside just as quickly. And they seem to think I've gone the extra mile. But I can tell you, there are male BSs here that I'm not sure I would have gone as long as they have. I've told my W from day one that I can't handle not being able to trust her. So I gave her "trust on loan" and if she defaulted, that was it. I doubted I would be able to stay with her. Cause in my book, if there is no trust, there is no true relationship.
When we were dating we both committed to each other that we would always tell each other the truth, and never hide anything from each other. We both felt that was critical to a good marriage. Well, that turned out to be true. If she'd told me the first time that first man sent her a full sex text, about it and let me read it, I doubt we would be here now. But she hid it, liked how it made her feel, and decided to see where it would go. The rest is history.
So I probably have less tolerance for this than many men here. But it won't be because I feel I'm worth less, but because she didn't treat our marriage, family, and 29 years of history as important enough to fight for. While I certainly experienced loss, and have been grieving over that in my own way, and it hurts to have lost what we had, even as we have gained what we'd let slip away in the past 29 years as well, I have no sense of lower self-esteem over this because it wasn't me that did this. I don't equate having emotions to necessarily come from a loss of self-esteem as it seems some do.
But as we've said, each of us is different. We deal with this in our own ways. What I've lost is the simple trust in each other that we had. We both felt like neither of us would do this to each other. I mean, she cleans houses, sometimes with single guys in the house, and I never worried about her having an affair with one of them. Though I thought if it happened, that would be how it happened. Strangely enough, it didn't. And we lost the physical intimacy we had. Not that we aren't intimate now, but prior to the A, neither of us had been with another person or had any kind of sexual relationship with another person. We were totally devoted to each other. I knew that was rare in this world and greatly treasured that fact as a precious jewel. That pure intimacy is gone, never to be reclaimed.
So, that's a summary of what I've felt, though not exhaustive. I don't get angry easily, and often when I am, it doesn't show on the outside. My oldest son will come and tell me he's done something bad before he'll tell his mother, because he knows I'm not going to fly through the roof. So one day he came in to tell me that he broke our window. Other days, other things like that. Sometimes that is a blessing, sometimes a curse because when I should be and show anger, I often don't.
So hope that fills in the feelings for you. Yes, I was called "Spock" on my high school tennis team because of my lack of anger at messing up a shot. But I saw people slamming their rackets on the ground and couldn't figure out why they did that when it would do more damage than good, distract from the game's focus. But others have different personalities, and mine was very subdued in that department. I see things like the people "celebrating" by destroying the goal post at that game the other day, and injuring many (I think some died by trampling if I'm not mistaken) and think what drives people to do such stupid things? Riots, the other stuff we see, all indicates to me, that there are a lot of people not like me. And in the end, that is a good thing.