Dody, you said, "I fell hard for my AP-I can't even stand calling him AP-to me he was the one. He was my love story - how does one recover from that-answer is they don't."

One can recover from it. I'm not saying it is easy. It is really hard. What it boils down to is who do you want to keep? You can't/shouldn't have them both. It is unfair to all involved and only brings pain. It is the choice one makes when they allow themselves to fall in love with someone other than their spouse. At that point, they have chosen to hurt someone, and themselves.

If you decide who you want, who you can't live without, then you are duty bound to allow yourself to fall out of love with the other, and divorce if necessary. And if you are determined and do the things I mentioned, one can fall out of love with someone. It isn't easy, and the addicted mind will try to convince you it is impossible, but it is a lie to keep you tied to the addiction. If you lay down the law within yourself, and give no ground, it can happen.

But I know that is hard, which is why most CSs won't do what is necessary to fall out of love with their AP. Because it isn't easy, and saving their marriage isn't *that* important. When it does become that important, you'll do what has to be done to save it. And that includes giving your heart back to the one you pledged it to.

For more info, check out my article, "Am I in Love?"
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/5333418

Hi, I am Cole's W. Yes, I worked (and still do) very hard to "get over" my feelings for the OM. It was very hard in the beginning and got better, very very gradually over time. It has taken consistency and tons and tons of "guarding my thoughts" and a very hard core focus on what I am doing; rebuilding myself and my M with my H.

Last month, after 20 mos of NC, my OM called me quite out of the blue to "see how I am doing." Ugh... It set me back a bit. I can only imagine how it set him back. Unfortunately, I had a conversation with him. I have started back to IC to address some yet unresolved issues that this incident brought to the forefront and to make sure that if he attempts another contact, I do the right thing and don't engage in a conversation. It took me about 2 weeks to get over that call and get back to where I was before.

Correction: I am not still working at getting over him. I do, however, still work at guarding my thoughts. The trusty rubber band on my wrist helps me with that.

Sometimes it is better to walk away. You will go through a lot less pain in the long run if you walk away now. Trust me.

Gaby- Holy crap, I can't believe you spoke with the OM after all this time!

There are many woman on here that were abandoned by their H, who are well past the rubber band after 2 years of therapy....what gives?

quiet- Assume he will continue cheating.

If you are ok with this, continue as you are currently.

Trust is a tough thing. Once its been injured, it never truly heals. My man cheated and when I found out he said he would never do it again, The very next day he told her that they "could still flirt". After that I needed to know everything. It was like a train wreck and I couldn't look away.
We are rebuilding or marriage, but the trust is wounded. We are starting by building confidence in each other. If I can accept that I am the only one that he truly wants to be with then maybe I can accept him checking on his "friend"
Right now he doesn't want to attempt any kind of conversation with her, but I think it would be good for them to clear it up

Blind - Cole started a thread about that phone call after it happened. I believe he called it "set back" or something like that. the phone call was a shock and took me off guard. Instead of hanging up on him, I told him what I thought he needed to hear, that we are healing and rebuilding and doing well. It was, however, a bad decision. We have taken the situation seriously and that is why I am going to IC. I have had very little therapy these two years. 8 sessions of MC at the beginning. That is it, until last month. I don't use the rubber band often nowadays, but I continue to wear it as a reminder and a help on the occasions that I need to guard my thoughts. I believe it is really important to stay diligent and not let my guard down. Your own situation of your SO's relapse after 10 yrs is a constant reminder to me to never let my guard down or take healing for granted.

Affairs are so weird. People are more sad about their affair partners leaving than their own spouse.

It seems that people that get abandoned by their spouse recover faster than those who had a part time lover on the side.

I don't know blind, maybe it's because if your H abandons you, you can sweep it all under the rug and go your merry way and stay in the fog if you wish.
If you choose to rebuild, and really do it right, you have to turn yourself inside out, you have to face your demons. Like you say, you have to change yourself to the core. That doesn't happen quickly or easily. It takes time, it takes work, it takes struggle. There is no timeline for this work. My struggle is really no longer so much over the OM as much as it is the struggle to rebuild myself and in so doing rebuild my M.

Well, I'm with Blind on this one, Gaby!

As much work as you and Cole have done together, and as far as you both have come.....
I, too, am curious why you even engaged in conversation w/ him , when u r close to the 2 yr. mark???

Didn't this cause a major rift between you and Cole? How did he take it? I just couldn't help but wonder about this???

Quietlylosingcontrol

Well, Quiet, a few thoughts come to mind.

Why are you doing it quietly? Out of fear?

And we never really have "control" over people, we really don't. Not even children ( I come from an educational background). We can guide kids, encourage them, reinforce them, and teach them, but we can't really control them, so, my theory is that we certainly can't control an adult.

Next, I'm wondering, why stay with this guy, if you two aren't even married? I mean, his future behavior will be predicted by his past behavior (good ol Dr. Phil). And if he finds that going out drinking is a priority over communication with you, well ...it's all telling.

Lastly, your comment about "he hates confrontation". If I had one cent every time I heard that...well you know....even my H has said that! Sounds admirable at first, doesn't it? He's such a "peaceful"
guy!!! (I say ironically). Problem with that premise is, he's so peaceful that he'd rather not tell you the truth, or hear the truth from you, and now it's starting to sound cowardly to me. He's a coward, when it comes to being confronted. He's a coward to take full responsibility, and he's a coward to confront himself, as to why he does this! Maybe you already know this. So when someone tells you that they want to "maintain peace, or not have conflict", it really means they want to avoid.

So, on that note, let's scrutinize a bit what he's avoiding:
He's avoiding be honest w/ you
He's avoiding taking ownership
He's avoiding accepting the fact that he does this kind of behavior
He's avoiding the fact that he's hurting you
He's avoiding caring about hurting you
He's avoiding reality, your relationship, and every aspect of communication

So end result. He wants to be his own person. Keep secrets locked up and away from you. He wants you to not bring it up. He wants to stay comfortable, and not fix anything. He wants no ownership, responsibility, or guilt, or consequences, or anything other than the possibility of having a little on the side. Sounds like a total entitlement complex to me, he's totally entitled to all he can get, while you should quietly feel like you are losing control of y our mind. But remember, this guy is not interested in being controlled by you, and no one really can control another. We're all adults now, and that doesn't work.

I'm hoping this doesn't sound too harsh, but encourages you to look at the situation from a new perspective. This is similar to what I'd tell my daughter, if she came to me. It's meant to be direct, honest, and not mincing of words, or beating around the mulberry bush! Seems like he's done enough of that as far as I can see.

Not sure how long you've been together. Sounds like you live together. Do you have any children together? That might change things up a bit, for me. But if there are no kids, no marriage license, and no apparent commitment on his part.....well I'd be running not walking!