I am right there with you on the final straw part. It has almost been 6months for me and I am still dealing with the OW's family. I hope you see the light at the end of this very dark and depressing tunnel.

Same here.
Years later she was checking up on him on Facebook. Every freaking day. 2 years ago she was looking at his daughters facebook and then I knew to be more careful. It is always a matter of time before they get caught again, and again and again and again. I told her, if I catch her again I will be doing the same thing. And now I am.
I am not holding back any more. She wants to pretend she loves me, I can do the same thing. She wants to have a man on the side, I can have a woman. She wants to play games, I can play too.

I hear you! My husband did end the sexual aspect of his relationship with the other woman but wanted to remain "friends"!! Huh? We took a big trip - one we had been planning for three (!) years and one night when I checked his phone, I discovered the bitch had been texting him and the S.O.B. that he is, was answering her! We were half way across the globe!!! I lost it. That was it for me. I told him to get out, go to the front desk and get another room. Then he could leave. I would continue on with the tour guide. He tried to explain, but for me, there was NOTHING he could say that would matter. I locked myself in the bathroom, ran the tub and sang to myself, loud to drown him out. He wouldn't leave. When I finally emerged from the bathroom, I calmly told him I was done. He had a choice to make, and I had just made mine. We were done. It was something of a bluff on my part, but he didn't know that. It was just the medicine he needed! Also, I probably should mention that I had kept his affair secret which was a relief for him. I told him that he would feel the consequences of his actions with our adult kids, their in-laws, our friends, and most important - his work people. He was cheating with someone at work, a subordinate. We held it together for the remainder of the trip, but not without first having a follow-up argument the next night. We did see the marriage counselor when we got home and she spelled it out: NO FURTHER CONTACT period! So that is the lesson here. You spell it out: NO FURTHER CONTACT. It's a deal breaker. Get back into counseling, too. I think I would have a talk with this "friend" of his and explain that you are rebuilding your marriage. He need not make any contribution that isn't 100% positive. Deliver up a few consequences to show you mean it. If you don't see him back on the straight and narrow, you have to decide when enough is enough for you.
xxx
Dana

as messed up as things are i could never do anything to get back at him. i won't play that game, i can't even imagine being with someone else. and i just could never hurt him. i know its pathetic.

i thought about sending his friend a message. he is the only other person that knows my bf cheated. it actually makes me sick thinking about hanging out with him and my bf when he knew that my bf was cheating... its just embarrassing. i don't know how to say something to him without coming across as a psycho. in three years i've probably hung out with him 6 times... so i don't really know him that well.

this is all just crushing me. i just want to talk to my bf about it again. we won't have alone time till thursday tho. it's really making it hard to focus on school and work. it's hard for me to bring it up again. when i first find out i don't care i go right to him but when i still feel like i need to talk to him about it, it never seems like the right time.

I know for me, things will never be the same. I've concluded that even though my H is committed to healing and cutting off contact, the mere fact that this happened in the first place means we are not the close, committed, immune couple I once thought we were. So we are reconciling, and it looks like we may get a good marriage back, but it won't be the same. There will always be the thought in the back of my head that a female friend could become more. I've decided that I need to expand my social circle and define myself in more ways than just in my relationship to my H. I never thought I wouldn't be able to rely on my H, but for my own sense of security, I'm working on making my identity separate with a closer circle outside our marriage to give me a better foundation and sense of security in myself.

Many times, a CS and AP do "fall in love." When they are forced to separate, they tend to think about each other all the time. That is natural. But what many CS find hard or avoid doing is to fall out of love with their AP. Instead, they do things to keep it alive in their hearts, and it comes out on occasion like this desire he had to find out how she is doing. If he'd fallen out of love over the past months, he wouldn't care.

Most CSs don't employ a *full* no contact, which involves:

1. No seeking out contact with the AP in any way.
2. If contacted by the AP, not engaging in conversation, but simply say, "I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone," and hang up/walk away.
3. Get rid of all pictures, momentoes, reminders of the AP.
4. When thoughts of the AP arise, as they will, distract yourself by various means to not dwell on them. My wife, for example, wore a rubber band around her wrist and she would snap it when her thoughts went to where they shouldn't.

In conjunction with the BS, they need to work on refiring the passion in their own marriage. They need a love for their spouse that will fill the hole left by the AP.

If a CS does this in total, in a few months he or she will fall out of love with the AP, and they will think about them less and less. It is what they need to do to give that part of their heart back to their spouse.

But if they fail to fall out of love, but keep that fire kindled, it will tend to show up over and over again and they risk losing their marriage over it.

Cole

My months have turned into years - almost three to be exact!

I fell hard for my AP-I can't even stand calling him AP-to me he was the one. He was my love story - how does one recover from that-answer is they don't.

You can get up and put on a smiling face-go through the motions put one foot in front of the other best you can.

I've been on both sides of affairs-I know to well the consequences. I've learned to be less judgemental-we are imperfect people in a imperfect world.

Your wife has done the work-she loves you.

My husband never did-consequences to ones actions.

Sending prayers and support to all!

I

if he loves her then i don't want to be with him.

when we first got together he told me i couldn't see or talk to the guy i had hooked up with a month or so before. i had been friends with that guy for 7 years and was pretty upset that i wasn't aloud to talk to him. i remember being like what if i told you, you couldn't ever talk to ___ because yall have kissed. and he yelled "well i never f***ed her" ... she ended up being the OW. but anyway i miss my friend and everything but i understand why he didn't want me talking to him so i haven't for three years. i put his feelings first. now he can't do the same when the person i'm asking him to not talk to is someone he CHEATED on me with not just someone he dated before me.

he knew i was upset that my brother had recently hung out with her. maybe my brother hanging out with her is what got her on his mind. i dunno.

i've been thinking about it all day. tonight i'm going to lay down the law. and call him out on the inconsistencies in his story. i don't understand why when people get caught and the person just wants the whole truth no matter what it is.. they still lie.

Oh I echo that icky feeling about the friend of your husbands who knew about his cheating. I literally can't stand to be around the friend of my husbands who knew. He is even the one who introduced them. But weever I say something, my husband brings up two of my friends who have cheated on their spouses. But still, they didn't enable me to cheat.

Anyway, I don't know whY they think that just because time has passed it's ok to open that door again, "just to talk". It is NOT SAFE. It will not remain just talking, and it is not fair to you to have to go through this fresh pain again. Be strong and even though you can't imagine living without him, make him think you can!!! Scare the heck out of him. I agree NO CONTACT!!!! Good words of wisdom from someone who is finally laying down the law after being soft on her cheating husband too many times. We will see if harsh works. If not, then I am better off and so will you be.

Diplomacy is OVER. Time to pick up the red phone & make that dreaded call.

Couldn't agree more with cmonge post above:
"Be strong and even though you can't imagine living without him, make him think you can!!! Scare the heck out of him.

Good words of wisdom from someone who is finally laying down the law after being soft on her cheating husband too many times".

Draw your sword, lock and load. Battle Stations!! His action was totally unacceptable and there MUST be consequences. Draw out Divorce papers or a Post-Nuptual agreement where he would lose BIG, should there be any further "curiosity" about OW or ANY W...EVER!!

Good Luck!

we're not married so there is nothing i can really hold over his head. plus i don't want to threaten him with stuff involving money or anything. the threat of losing me should be enough. if it's not then whats the point? i wimped out last night. i told him we need to have a serious talk but that was it. i'm going to try this weekend when i wont have school or work to worry about and he won't have work.
gosh i want to flip out on the OW. she was really one of my good friends i thought. but flipping out on her will just let her know she got to me. it won't make her feel bad or anything. can't decide if it would make me feel better or if pretending she doesn't exist like i have for the past year is best.

I am glad to know that giving up the AP for the CS wasn't a cake walk for everyone, and there were bumps along the way..

I think my husband needs professional help in order to break free from the AP and wondered if anyone else's CS sought counseling to figure out why they were unable to break the connection...

I know they offer marriage counseling, but I don't know if I should shove that in his face right away or just say he needs to seek professional help on his own to deal with his unhealthy addiction to a person who will never just be a friend, regardless of what they tell each other or believe, because she will always be rooting for us to fail.. I still have at least another month or two during this separation before he returns and I still feel lost.. but everyday I nicely state more and more, is she worth losing me? he says no... are you saying if we stay together, I have to accept her in your life? he says no.... but waiting for actions to match words... I kind of feel like when he comes home to have my bags packed and at the door... and then if the OW calls or he contacts her- be it text or calls-- I go to the door, pick up my bags and walk away... I am pretty sure he will get the picture that I am done with this game... its time to move on.. no excuses... just move on...

I guess I feel weird because when the relationship with the OW was discovered (at that point only a meal out)... my husband went to end it with her, but instead she convinced him that they "owed it to themselves to see where this goes" and trust me, I know it takes two to tango... but my husband didn't stop... or leave the OW when the affair was revealed.. and thats probably been the hardest part for me.. that he stayed... that he didn't leave... and I don't really know if I can ever get over that.. if that makes sense... and now that he wants me to believe they are only friends... I don't trust that.. and regardless I should not have to compromise on that... but man, does he make me feel bad when I put my foot down-- he even cries sometimes, says not to be stern with him, that he is not in the right state of mind to deal with that... its scary but I don't know what to do anymore... basically he doesn't want to be the bad guy, he wants her to find someone else to stalk, and then she will forget about him-- but why can't he just tell her- -I am married, and I need to cut ties with you in order to work on my marriage"... its like he is a coward... and unable to do that, at all... anyway I am rambling.. but its comforting to know that I am not the only one getting the crazy life with this

I'm afraid once a cheater always a cheater. Im going through the same thing and just getting all my ducks in a row to finish this relationship. I think u need to know that you will be fine and that he is not worth the time or effort you are making here. There is always someone to love you. Not someone to foot around on you. Life is truly too short for infidelity. Take Care

i think my boyfriend might need counseling too. he has never been able to give me a good reason for why he did the things he did. he said he was lonely, drunk or just simply that he didn't know. but because of some of the things he has said i feel like his family doesn't approve of therapy or something. but if he doesn't know why he does it, how are we ever supposed to fix the problem?

he made me SO mad yesterday. i told him before he left for work that we really needed to talk that night. he text me a few hours before he was supposed to get off asking if he could go to the bar with the guys after work. while i trust the guys at his new job much more than back in the day ... going out drinking with the guys is where all of our problems started. (mainly cause it wasn't just the guys it was the whore as well). so i was livid when he asked to go out drinkin when we're supposed to talk. he just avoids conflict at all cost... another reason i think counseling would be good. we didn't even end up talking he just fell asleep when he got home. ughhhhhhh.

I am Asian. From stories I heard while growing up, the BS, majority women, would not speak up or leave abusive relationships because they were afraid of losing faces and/or were afraid of the unknown. That was a fate they chose for themselves in older times. But in this modern day and time, everyone has a choice. One does not need to live in misery if the partner is reluctant to give up his/her ways to cheat. It is obvious that you love your boyfriend, but it sounds like he's leading you no where. The bull crap he told you about him being lonely, drunk, and simply so, are just to keep your love for him afloat. If he truly has problem(s), he ought to fix "them", AND wanting the OW's number is not going to fix his problem(s). You seem like a nice and sweet person; you deserve better.