Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
After finding out he met ow again after a 2 1/2 yr long affair and him saying it was over, he met her again (got photos and eye witness account of him and her being physical, kissing, hugging etc)
He is trying to reconcile with me but because this is the 2nd time I am in a terrible situation of knowing what is the best thing to do. I know no one can help me with that but I need a sounding board and opinions to what he wrote me the other day: this was a hard thing for him to do, I appreciate that, but he has been in so much denial and he is looking for hope with me and I am not giving him any.
He wrote this, its quite long so apologies:
It all started in August 2006, I know I wasn't looking for anything & I know I wasn't unhappy, but I fell into the classic fools trap. She made it obvious she was attracted to me, this had never happened to me before and I felt flattered, excited, powerful ....all the classic signs of a foolish man about to embark on the road to ruin.
Then before you know it, youre in a full-blown affair and the lies and deceit begin in earnest.
You know its very wrong, but do everything to block out the unevitable consequences. It sounds strange, but you love your wife and family grows stronger, even as if you think that this will make everything all right.
The relationship carried on in an on-off irregular way until Feb 2009 and ended amicably.
Now I realise it probably ended to amicably. Quite apart from the dreadful trauma it caused Becky (me) at the end of 2009 (he met her again as she had been ill, this is when I really found out about the A), and to this day, it led to the unforgivable events of the other week.
On the Tues of that week, she quite unexpectedly as far as I was concerned appeared in the office (she had been signed of long term sick). We bumped into each other and exchanged pleasantries, then she mentioned she was due to come in again the the thurs and would I like to join her for a few drinks after work.
I was non-commital and did have other options for that night (work related) and the one I wish to god I had taken was to come straight home.
We met on the thurs afternnoon in the office and she mentioned again about meeting and how good it would be to meet up and catch up on everything that had happened since they last met up about 6/7 months ago.
I know I shouldn't have and I knew I had promised, but in my mind I didn't see what harm it could do and I was interested in what had happened to her and what was going to happen in the future, especially about the prospect of her returning to work.
Met her and she suggested we go somewhere alone to which I agreed. We chatted and caught up. From the start she was touchy feely to which I responded, although not straight away. I felt strange, I was busy telling her how happy things were between me and Becky at home, she seemed genuinely happy for me and made no mention of the affair starting up again. After about 60 mins I started to feel uncomfortable and told her it was time to go. She seemed fine with this and asked If I could see her home, although not all the way. I agreed, we left and I became less uncomfortable knowing we were leaving on good terms with no threat for the furture. We kissed (not snogged) on the platform and at the taxi as a form of goodbye. (NB the eye witness told me it was very affectionate, passionate kissing, long but not eat your face off, and it happened around 4 times, they also were holding hands whilst walking, she also was draped around him many times, and he her many times, at one point he was stroking her thighs). .But it was a genuine goodbye and I felt at the time it was the right thing to do.
Of course all of this I bitterly regret,mainly for the effect it has on Becky and what may have done for the children.
Becky & kids are my life, my reason for living and it breaks my heart every time i think of the consequences of my actions.
Of course, none of this is of any help to Becky. I see it in her eyes the devastating effect the deceit and lies have caused and I will do everything in my power while I still have a breath of life inside me to help make things better for her.
This all stems from massive insecurity, lack of confidence and convinced myth will become reality- must do everything before I depart.
Despite the reasons, fears and insecurities It is a struggle to come up with any explanations for my actions and can only come to the conclusion that am just an inherently bad person who deserves to just fade away into obscurity.
Reasons for my selfishness:
Wanted it all and more
Compulsive need to be Mr Popular
Can't say no
Point blank refusal to face up to real problems (Health)
Consequences now:
Mind all over the place
Can't focus
Can't function
Heavy heart
Empty stomach
Overwhelming sadness
Overwhelming guilt
Consequences (Physical)
Losing home
Losing job
Losing will to live
Losing health
Losing mind
NO MORE SELF PITY ..STOP IT
Consequences (future)
Misery (for self and family, hopefully short term for family)
Penury (I deserve, no-one else)
Death (can bring financial benefits for loved ones)
Physical state (now
Overweight, unfit, unattractive, and convinced I have a terminal illness.
Mental state (past & present)
Have lived with fear of terminal illness since before marriage, has given me countless sleepless nights in the past 25 years (Aids from having unprotected sex in Spain 25 yrs ago. Cancer from a growth on my chest that started 15 years ago.
What do you all think about that. I feel sort of bad posting this as it is his personal stuff, but I don't know anymore about anything and need some guidance Please.
He is trying to reconcile with me but because this is the 2nd time I am in a terrible situation of knowing what is the best thing to do. I know no one can help me with that but I need a sounding board and opinions to what he wrote me the other day: this was a hard thing for him to do, I appreciate that, but he has been in so much denial and he is looking for hope with me and I am not giving him any.
He wrote this, its quite long so apologies:
It all started in August 2006, I know I wasn't looking for anything & I know I wasn't unhappy, but I fell into the classic fools trap. She made it obvious she was attracted to me, this had never happened to me before and I felt flattered, excited, powerful ....all the classic signs of a foolish man about to embark on the road to ruin.
Then before you know it, youre in a full-blown affair and the lies and deceit begin in earnest.
You know its very wrong, but do everything to block out the unevitable consequences. It sounds strange, but you love your wife and family grows stronger, even as if you think that this will make everything all right.
The relationship carried on in an on-off irregular way until Feb 2009 and ended amicably.
Now I realise it probably ended to amicably. Quite apart from the dreadful trauma it caused Becky (me) at the end of 2009 (he met her again as she had been ill, this is when I really found out about the A), and to this day, it led to the unforgivable events of the other week.
On the Tues of that week, she quite unexpectedly as far as I was concerned appeared in the office (she had been signed of long term sick). We bumped into each other and exchanged pleasantries, then she mentioned she was due to come in again the the thurs and would I like to join her for a few drinks after work.
I was non-commital and did have other options for that night (work related) and the one I wish to god I had taken was to come straight home.
We met on the thurs afternnoon in the office and she mentioned again about meeting and how good it would be to meet up and catch up on everything that had happened since they last met up about 6/7 months ago.
I know I shouldn't have and I knew I had promised, but in my mind I didn't see what harm it could do and I was interested in what had happened to her and what was going to happen in the future, especially about the prospect of her returning to work.
Met her and she suggested we go somewhere alone to which I agreed. We chatted and caught up. From the start she was touchy feely to which I responded, although not straight away. I felt strange, I was busy telling her how happy things were between me and Becky at home, she seemed genuinely happy for me and made no mention of the affair starting up again. After about 60 mins I started to feel uncomfortable and told her it was time to go. She seemed fine with this and asked If I could see her home, although not all the way. I agreed, we left and I became less uncomfortable knowing we were leaving on good terms with no threat for the furture. We kissed (not snogged) on the platform and at the taxi as a form of goodbye. (NB the eye witness told me it was very affectionate, passionate kissing, long but not eat your face off, and it happened around 4 times, they also were holding hands whilst walking, she also was draped around him many times, and he her many times, at one point he was stroking her thighs). .But it was a genuine goodbye and I felt at the time it was the right thing to do.
Of course all of this I bitterly regret,mainly for the effect it has on Becky and what may have done for the children.
Becky & kids are my life, my reason for living and it breaks my heart every time i think of the consequences of my actions.
Of course, none of this is of any help to Becky. I see it in her eyes the devastating effect the deceit and lies have caused and I will do everything in my power while I still have a breath of life inside me to help make things better for her.
This all stems from massive insecurity, lack of confidence and convinced myth will become reality- must do everything before I depart.
Despite the reasons, fears and insecurities It is a struggle to come up with any explanations for my actions and can only come to the conclusion that am just an inherently bad person who deserves to just fade away into obscurity.
Reasons for my selfishness:
Wanted it all and more
Compulsive need to be Mr Popular
Can't say no
Point blank refusal to face up to real problems (Health)
Consequences now:
Mind all over the place
Can't focus
Can't function
Heavy heart
Empty stomach
Overwhelming sadness
Overwhelming guilt
Consequences (Physical)
Losing home
Losing job
Losing will to live
Losing health
Losing mind
NO MORE SELF PITY ..STOP IT
Consequences (future)
Misery (for self and family, hopefully short term for family)
Penury (I deserve, no-one else)
Death (can bring financial benefits for loved ones)
Physical state (now
Overweight, unfit, unattractive, and convinced I have a terminal illness.
Mental state (past & present)
Have lived with fear of terminal illness since before marriage, has given me countless sleepless nights in the past 25 years (Aids from having unprotected sex in Spain 25 yrs ago. Cancer from a growth on my chest that started 15 years ago.
What do you all think about that. I feel sort of bad posting this as it is his personal stuff, but I don't know anymore about anything and need some guidance Please.
I see a woman that needs to start taking care of herself, you really need to look into the concept of the '180' -- some people mistake it for a way to 'win your man back' but really it's a way to gain your own balance back.
I know this may have taken a lot for him to write but he didn't do it for the right reasons. He wanted to see her because he really wanted to see her. He knew it was wrong and he also knew it would hurt any chances of reconciling with you but he still went ahead and did it. This was no goodbye because if it was there wouldn't be all that cuddling and kissing, she would be pissed and angry. Let him feel whatever he is feeling, good or bad, in the end you need to gain strength and get to a point in which you can make a decision of whether you want to continue putting up with his uncertainty where your marriage is concerned.
My quality of life has suffered so severely as a result of my Hs A. I can't imagine what another A would do to me. It would be about choosing a better quality of life for myself.
Best of luck to you :)
This is HIS personal journal, so of course it's all about him and his feelings... I doubt he knew she was going to be reading it...
I think you will end up feeling like your dancing on glass with this man..
If he has been tested for AIDS and has had the growth checked out and doesn't have AIDS or cancer why does he continue to believe he has a terminal illness? To get sympathy and take your focus away from the nasty stuff he did? This sounds like someone who needs to get over himself and started thinking about other people besides himself. Does he think about the physical and mental affects this has had on you? Does he think about your sleepless nights, inability to focus, weight loss, stress, anxiety, pain, heartache, or anything else? Give me a break. Wah, wah, wah, poor me . . . I had an affair and now I am suffering the consequences. Well maybe he should have thought about all of this before he did it and then did it again.
I call B.S. on- that (not against you for wanting to believe, trust me, I get that in spades (and I believed too - only for me to be betrayed again)), but for them trying to make you think they have "changed"). A lying, cheating, betraying person, if they don't want to dump you outright, because of their own lying, twisted view of the world and how they fit in it and how you can serve them, and how everyone else they think they can con into their world fits, will tell you anything and everything they think of, logical or not, sequential in history or not, and eventually related to your life with them or not, to keep you hooked into their twisted, sick and disfunctional world.
Fidelity is fidelity. Monogamy is monogamy. No one in this life doesn't have obligations, feelings, sentiments towards other people. Past, present or future. But when you make promises or vows to people, you have an obligation to KEEP them. O.k., mistakes are made. Boundaries crossed, life happens, temptations given into. I get that - honestly-- and those things can be forgiven, overcome and the relationship made stronger, under the right set of circumstances. But the right set of circumstances needs to include true remorse on the part of the betraying person and a true commitment to the relationship and a true desire to make sure that whatever prompted it NEVER happens again.
Only you can judge that and whether that commitment is forthcoming and whether YOU are ready to do the hard work on your part to make work on it too.
All I can say, from my own experience is that after finding out about the first time, I was given similar words, promises, excuses etc., and I gave him a second chance. And I came to trust him, again, completely, without reservation - only to find out he'd never stopped cheating on me.
Mine was broken. Maybe yours is not. But only you can decide how much is enough for you. Are you are willing to give him a third chance with your heart and your life?
I wasn't. It hurts like hell. But it is the right decision for me and my future - however unknown it is.
Strength and peace to you.
I know you will do what you feel is best, but I have to ask, you aren't seriously considering reconciling with this jerk are you?
He wanted to say goodbye. Didn't he do that already, when the AFFAIR ENDED? Why would he care if she came back to work or dropped off the face of the earth? The truth - he was so excited when she contacted him he could hardly stand it. He couldn't wait. He was preparing for this for days.
Surely you aren't fooled by any of this. I know when you are in the middle of the hurt, you want so badly to believe the lies. But they are lies, you know that right! He lied about the details of the meeting. His account was far different from that of the eye witness. That's called DECEPTION (or lying).
Here's a person who's been dying for 25 years. What makes him different from the rest of us. The truth -- he'll probably outlive all of us.
You need to find the strength to make whatever decision you think best. If you decide to stay with him, so be it. Just don't kid yourself about it.
I wish you the best. I don't want to sound unfeeling, but you need to look at this from different prospectives.
Yeah, he had some time to get his head out of his pants to see the reality of what he was risking AGAIN and he chose to risk it (meaning you and your marriage) AGAIN.
He even got to cop a few feels, according to the eye witnesses.
...and now? He wants you to feel so sorry for him that you forgive him. 'Oh don't do anything stupid...we can work this out...' We women fall for that one all the time.
You set down your boundaries. My advice? Stick to them.
Sending support, L~
Bottom line is, he can't be trusted. And regardless of whether he says he wants to work on the marriage or not, if he's still meeting the OW, he's just giving you what you want to hear.
I would tell him that if he wants to carry out his little fling, that's his right but he needs to find another place to live while he does it. It's you or her and if its her, then he needs to be gone.
Thanks everyone.
L~