Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi all, I am new to DS and have been reading other members stories. I thought I would share mine. I am not sure where to start. First of all, I have not told a single soul that my husband got another woman pregnant.... I just found this out 3 months ago, while I was 7 months pregnant! I am absolutely humiliated to even admit this has happened to me. I mean, this is NOT how I planned out my life...
It all started 5 years ago when we first got married. We were happy, we could not keep our hands off of each other. This lead to getting pregnant 3 months after we were married. WE were excited to bring a child into this world, or so I thought. After a couple months went by, I started to see phone numbers coming up on his phone, instant messages from females, he was lying about where he was going, I knew he was cheating. I tried to make it work, my entire pregnancy... After I had my son, I told myself I could not have a man like this in his life and decided to leave when he continued to talk to other women. He was in the military so I decided to move back home with my 8 week old baby. (devestating) I raised my son all by myself, living at home and finishing school for 10 months. My husband lived in a different state and we talked on an everyday basis, he said he wanted to make it work and told me he was a changed man. I decided to take him back into our lives and give him another chance... that lead to more and more chances.. uuugggh. Anyway, he came home... a few months went by and it all seemed "better", I thought he had finally changed. I was wrong.. he continued to talk to women at work, on the internet, where ever he could find them. I always told him I would leave, but never did. ( I guess leaving the first time was hard enough on me)
To make a long story short... I believe he has cheated on me all the way up to last January (2010). At that time I was finished, I spoke with a lawyer and it was all nearly finalized when I think he realized he was actually going to lose me. I seen somehthing in him that I had never seen before, dont ask me what, but I decided to give him yet another chance. By this time we had gone through almost 4 years of cheating. (DUMB... I KNOW!)
From last January(2010) until now, I KNOW he has been 100% faithful to me, he has shown me a complete turn around. We found out August (2010) that we were expecting our second child and we were absolutely thrilled. I did not want my son growing up as an only child like I did. I had a great pregnancy, it seemed that our life was FINALLY coming together. BUT this February, one day, when I was just getting home from work, I heard a knock on the door. I answered and a man asked for my husband, I told him that he was not home that I was his wife, I could help him. He explained that he was from the state and he was here to serve papers for a PATERNITY TEST for my husband!!!!! I told him there must be some sort of mistake, we have been married for nearly 5 years!!! He told me he couldnt go into details but he had papers ordered for my husband to take this test. (Let me remind you I am 7 months pregnant at the time.) I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my heart actually came up into my throat. I called my husband right away and he couldnt believe his ears as well.
Turns out he slept with a woman when I left him the first time (when my son was 8 weeks old) She was trying to get on state assistance and the state ordered the paternity test. It took about 8 weeks to get the actual results which led all the way up to the delivery of our daughter. He IS the father of her child who is almost 3 years old now..... My husband has been ordered to pay child support and provide healthcare for her son. This obviously has had a significant affect on myself and my husband emotionally as well as financially. This past payday was our first paycheck to have the child support taken out and I am not sure how we will be able to make ends meet. (especially with a brand new baby, and hospital bills) We agreed I would be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born and I REFUSE to go back to work to pay for this SLUTS child. My husband makes nearly 3 times what she makes, this makes his child support payments ridiculously high!
I am angry and hurt. I feel like I should have left all of the other times he cheated, I feel like those were Gods signs telling me to get out and I didnt listen! I am sooo angry with myself! I am torn between staying and leaving once again... he has shown me an entirely different side and has shown me how much he wants our family. I do believe he has changed, and I know this was a HUGE life changing wake up call... I am just not sure I can live with the fact he impregnated another woman... I do know I will not have my husband have any part of this childs life, he of course has to pay child support but other than that as long as I am around he will not have anything to do with this child! I know it sounds horrible but I personally cannot do it!
We are now trying to contact the other woman to see if she has anyone positive in her sons life to step up and care for him, relinguishing my husbands parental rights. However, the state will NOT give us ANY contact information for her. I feel like we will be fighting a losing battle. I mean, do I not have any rights as his wife?! Obviously not, this one night stand slut has more rights and say in this then I do... its unfair and frustrates the hell out of me!
I have found her on facebook so we decided to write her. So far no response, I am not sure she even is active on there because her profile is set to private. Anyway, this is my story.... any encouraging words, experiences or input would be oh so helpful. Again this is my first time even telling this story... those of you who have read this far, thanks for reading my novel....
It all started 5 years ago when we first got married. We were happy, we could not keep our hands off of each other. This lead to getting pregnant 3 months after we were married. WE were excited to bring a child into this world, or so I thought. After a couple months went by, I started to see phone numbers coming up on his phone, instant messages from females, he was lying about where he was going, I knew he was cheating. I tried to make it work, my entire pregnancy... After I had my son, I told myself I could not have a man like this in his life and decided to leave when he continued to talk to other women. He was in the military so I decided to move back home with my 8 week old baby. (devestating) I raised my son all by myself, living at home and finishing school for 10 months. My husband lived in a different state and we talked on an everyday basis, he said he wanted to make it work and told me he was a changed man. I decided to take him back into our lives and give him another chance... that lead to more and more chances.. uuugggh. Anyway, he came home... a few months went by and it all seemed "better", I thought he had finally changed. I was wrong.. he continued to talk to women at work, on the internet, where ever he could find them. I always told him I would leave, but never did. ( I guess leaving the first time was hard enough on me)
To make a long story short... I believe he has cheated on me all the way up to last January (2010). At that time I was finished, I spoke with a lawyer and it was all nearly finalized when I think he realized he was actually going to lose me. I seen somehthing in him that I had never seen before, dont ask me what, but I decided to give him yet another chance. By this time we had gone through almost 4 years of cheating. (DUMB... I KNOW!)
From last January(2010) until now, I KNOW he has been 100% faithful to me, he has shown me a complete turn around. We found out August (2010) that we were expecting our second child and we were absolutely thrilled. I did not want my son growing up as an only child like I did. I had a great pregnancy, it seemed that our life was FINALLY coming together. BUT this February, one day, when I was just getting home from work, I heard a knock on the door. I answered and a man asked for my husband, I told him that he was not home that I was his wife, I could help him. He explained that he was from the state and he was here to serve papers for a PATERNITY TEST for my husband!!!!! I told him there must be some sort of mistake, we have been married for nearly 5 years!!! He told me he couldnt go into details but he had papers ordered for my husband to take this test. (Let me remind you I am 7 months pregnant at the time.) I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my heart actually came up into my throat. I called my husband right away and he couldnt believe his ears as well.
Turns out he slept with a woman when I left him the first time (when my son was 8 weeks old) She was trying to get on state assistance and the state ordered the paternity test. It took about 8 weeks to get the actual results which led all the way up to the delivery of our daughter. He IS the father of her child who is almost 3 years old now..... My husband has been ordered to pay child support and provide healthcare for her son. This obviously has had a significant affect on myself and my husband emotionally as well as financially. This past payday was our first paycheck to have the child support taken out and I am not sure how we will be able to make ends meet. (especially with a brand new baby, and hospital bills) We agreed I would be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born and I REFUSE to go back to work to pay for this SLUTS child. My husband makes nearly 3 times what she makes, this makes his child support payments ridiculously high!
I am angry and hurt. I feel like I should have left all of the other times he cheated, I feel like those were Gods signs telling me to get out and I didnt listen! I am sooo angry with myself! I am torn between staying and leaving once again... he has shown me an entirely different side and has shown me how much he wants our family. I do believe he has changed, and I know this was a HUGE life changing wake up call... I am just not sure I can live with the fact he impregnated another woman... I do know I will not have my husband have any part of this childs life, he of course has to pay child support but other than that as long as I am around he will not have anything to do with this child! I know it sounds horrible but I personally cannot do it!
We are now trying to contact the other woman to see if she has anyone positive in her sons life to step up and care for him, relinguishing my husbands parental rights. However, the state will NOT give us ANY contact information for her. I feel like we will be fighting a losing battle. I mean, do I not have any rights as his wife?! Obviously not, this one night stand slut has more rights and say in this then I do... its unfair and frustrates the hell out of me!
I have found her on facebook so we decided to write her. So far no response, I am not sure she even is active on there because her profile is set to private. Anyway, this is my story.... any encouraging words, experiences or input would be oh so helpful. Again this is my first time even telling this story... those of you who have read this far, thanks for reading my novel....
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Again, you're going to be penalized one way or another. I don't see any choices that will actually increase your happiness. Only unhappiness. Except the divorce option has the best chance, IN MY MIND ONLY, of healing in time and allowing you to restore yourself. You could actually one day look back and think, "damn, why didn't I do that earlier? I've now got a new life, still have my kids, have met a new person, etc."
It's depressing to think about and I'm sorry that you're in this awful situation. Just shows the price that is ALWAYS, ALWAYS paid when infidelity strikes.
Wishing you something positive...
-TheRule
scjadrift - Gosh your story seems all to familiar and I am so grateful for your reply. TIME does heal most wounds. It really is so new to me that I have very harsh feelings at the moment. One thing I know for sure about myself, even with time is that I CANNOT except this child. I dont know about you, maybe it was because my husband cheated SO. MANY. TIMES. I could just brush the other women right off like it was just another bump in the road.... sounds ridiculous right?! He cheated so much that it started to not even affect me. Now this is HUGE... this child is here FOREVER... I cant just brush him off.. I can her, but not him =( I dont know what I will tell my children as well.. they are young too.. My son will be 4 and my daughter was just born 4 weeks ago. So I too, have some time to figure something out there... Also for visitation, as far as that is concerned, I doubt that will happen. As of now my husband is focusing on me and our family and trying to make that work. He knows my feelings and I dont think he wants to hurt me anymore than he already has. Plus, the woman and child live in another state, seeing the child would be almost impossible.
I wish I could get in contact with the other women like you did and I LOVE they way you made IT CLEAR that every cent of support she is taking from you was being taken right out of your children's mouths. Good for you!!! I would like her to know this because I doubt she even knew he was married, let alone had small children! ( again that is my husbands fault) but I still would like her to know! I am so glad you responded and you know what I am going through. Thank you SOOO much!
Since someone else signed the birth certificate as being the father of that child, can he be legally held responsible for child support payments? Have you talked to a lawyer about this because it seems to me that the one who signed is the one who took responsibility.
Just a thought.
Q. What if the mother and I want to establish paternity as soon as the baby is born?
A. In Texas, if the mother of the child is not married, paternity can be established in the hospital at the time the baby is born by both of you signing an "Acknowledgment of Paternity form". The AOP may also be signed before the child is born.
Not sure if it is different in your state, but if the other man signed an "acknowledgement of paternity" (birth certificate?) then he may actually be responsible for child support payments.
One part of moving on is getting past the hurt and sadness. howeverwhe you have that monthly reminder of it, there is a huge obsticle to overcome.
Not sure what your states legal statutes are, but i know where I live relinquishing parental rights is not only very difficult but darn near impossible. Even if the custodial parent asked the courts to require that the non custodial parent relinquish rights, and that non custodial parent was in agreement of relinquishing rights, the courts hardly ever grant that. The only times I have ever seen it occur here in MN is if the custodial parent is in a solid marriage, both have gone through the court ordered custody and pshylogical evals and the spouce agrees to do full adoption at the time of the non custodial parent giving up rights.
All this asside, i will reiterate that you do have every right to be hurt and angry. That is something that nobody should ever take away from you.
Frankly, yes, the child means more in this situation. You say the OW did not know your H was married and had a child with you. Yet you are so terribly angry with her and her child. I do understand the hurt and pain from this, but I cannot ever understand a woman willing to be with a man that could abandon his child. If he can abandon her child (even if he's never met that child) then he can abandon yours too. It's irrational to me to not make that connection.
I do understand your pain at this betrayal, and I imagine it would be very difficult to have that reminder. But that child gets to grow up without a father, often never feeling "good enough" because his sperm donor raised his children with you and never even saw him...
As I see it, you chose to forgive your H many times for his cheating, but this child didn't get a choice at all. He is now approaching 3 or is 3....my son is the same age. It breaks my heart that he has recently been asking why he doesn't have a dad when his older siblings do. Yes, already asking at the age of 2 1/2. I wasn't the OW, but the bs. I just don't think any child deserves that, and if you can't handle seeing the child as a reminder (I don't blame you) then you should choose to exit the marriage. Cause really, you'd want a man that could ignore his own flesh and blood???
Distancemj- I do understand that my husband played a MAJOR role in this as well... HE is the one who betrayed and hurt me beyond belief ... (i think he has hurt himself just as much) however, its her fault for keeping this from him (us) for sooooo long. Besides a woman whoring around doesnt get much respect from me no matter who they are. Relinguishing rights ideally would be what I want and think is best, only if there is someone, a man, willing to step up and be this childs father. I know the state wont just relinguish H rights because "he doesnt want to be the dad" they dont want to fork out money for her to be on state aide, so why would they... assuming there is a man in her life (i have no clue if there is) this would be the route I will FIGHT to take.
Mommytojack - I am soooooo sorry you have to deal with a similar situation, yet I am glad I am not alone. I too think its best to keep the child out of our lives... I can see it being very hard on my son as he gets older knowing that when he was just a baby his father didnt want to be with us instead was screwing around and made another son?! Yeah in my opinion, that is VERY painful. Thank you for your support!
Thank you cbazan for your thoughts and opinions.
directingpond - Thank you for your opinion. However, I would like to ask if you have ever been in my shoes? Very few have as I am learning on this board... I too have a 3, almost 4 year old as well as a 4 WEEK old baby... Do you think its right to take away their father for the sake of this other child? My son has been raised by his father and absolutely adores him! Getting a divorce would rob my children of their own "flesh and blood"...You contradict yourself by saying I shouldnt want a man to abandon his flesh and blood yet telling me to divorce forces him to be away from his LEGITAMENT children. For what? A one night stand and a kid who doesnt even know he exists? My H is fighting for us to stay, he loves his children and he will not abandon them. Someone is bound to be hurt in this... (people already are) why tear apart a family with both a mommy and a daddy? The other women chose this life she leads by whoring around and one night stands (highly doubt my H was the only one). As sad and absolutely horrible as it is to say her son is paying the price for her irresponsibility.
Again sorry for typos or mis spelling - on my phone.
It's almost 4 years later and it's the State who is initiating this bc of her claim for financial assistance.
I can truthfully say, I couldn't have anything to do with the child (personally). I'm just not sure how I would feel about your husbands role(or lack of it), in the child's life.
Whatever you decide......
Sending strength and support....
I too would not be able to have anything to do with the child, I just couldn't. we know it's not their fault in any way but I think it would be just too much, I know it would be for me without a doubt.
Just focus on your marriage, he wants to make it all okay and you still love him then just go with it, check out the paternity issues, try and get some closure on it for your own sanity. The kid will be ok, listen it's a lot bloody harder on kids that have known a daddy and then for him to have gone.
Pay the money if you have to, make your marriage work, raise your kids together and be happy....try and put it behind you as best you can. You have to go with how YOU feel and what you can and cannot put up with.
I just hope and pray the your H isn't stupid enough not to realise he has a true, loyal and loving wife here.
Oh just one other thing..don't focus to much on her, she has her reasons, let her have them and move on. She is not important, she is nothing to you.
Best of luck , keep us posted.
You don't have to have anything to do with this woman or this child, but your H may. Maybe that needs to be considered. This is his child. This child does not make your own children less special. If you can't have anything to do with this child, so be it.
But divorce? Why?
I AM divorced. I AM a single mom, and maybe I am just confused here, but I see no need to end any marriage for this reason. Look at the man you love and decide how you want to move forward to handle this together. You have already dealt with infidelity. You must have strength. Look your man in the eye and tell him, 'I am your wife. We can do this together.'
Why divorce? This is huge and hard, but so is divorce.
An obstacle? Sure, a huge one. Not an 'impossible,' only an obstacle.
my two cents...
L~
On a more practical note- I know this varies a bit from state to state, but as far as I know if the mother allows the father to relinquish paternal rights, that means she waives any right for monetary support from that point on. He would still have to pay any back child support though. I'm thinking this might make it an uphill battle for you guys, as it's not too common for a single mother to give up her child support.