Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi all, I am new to DS and have been reading other members stories. I thought I would share mine. I am not sure where to start. First of all, I have not told a single soul that my husband got another woman pregnant.... I just found this out 3 months ago, while I was 7 months pregnant! I am absolutely humiliated to even admit this has happened to me. I mean, this is NOT how I planned out my life...
It all started 5 years ago when we first got married. We were happy, we could not keep our hands off of each other. This lead to getting pregnant 3 months after we were married. WE were excited to bring a child into this world, or so I thought. After a couple months went by, I started to see phone numbers coming up on his phone, instant messages from females, he was lying about where he was going, I knew he was cheating. I tried to make it work, my entire pregnancy... After I had my son, I told myself I could not have a man like this in his life and decided to leave when he continued to talk to other women. He was in the military so I decided to move back home with my 8 week old baby. (devestating) I raised my son all by myself, living at home and finishing school for 10 months. My husband lived in a different state and we talked on an everyday basis, he said he wanted to make it work and told me he was a changed man. I decided to take him back into our lives and give him another chance... that lead to more and more chances.. uuugggh. Anyway, he came home... a few months went by and it all seemed "better", I thought he had finally changed. I was wrong.. he continued to talk to women at work, on the internet, where ever he could find them. I always told him I would leave, but never did. ( I guess leaving the first time was hard enough on me)
To make a long story short... I believe he has cheated on me all the way up to last January (2010). At that time I was finished, I spoke with a lawyer and it was all nearly finalized when I think he realized he was actually going to lose me. I seen somehthing in him that I had never seen before, dont ask me what, but I decided to give him yet another chance. By this time we had gone through almost 4 years of cheating. (DUMB... I KNOW!)
From last January(2010) until now, I KNOW he has been 100% faithful to me, he has shown me a complete turn around. We found out August (2010) that we were expecting our second child and we were absolutely thrilled. I did not want my son growing up as an only child like I did. I had a great pregnancy, it seemed that our life was FINALLY coming together. BUT this February, one day, when I was just getting home from work, I heard a knock on the door. I answered and a man asked for my husband, I told him that he was not home that I was his wife, I could help him. He explained that he was from the state and he was here to serve papers for a PATERNITY TEST for my husband!!!!! I told him there must be some sort of mistake, we have been married for nearly 5 years!!! He told me he couldnt go into details but he had papers ordered for my husband to take this test. (Let me remind you I am 7 months pregnant at the time.) I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my heart actually came up into my throat. I called my husband right away and he couldnt believe his ears as well.
Turns out he slept with a woman when I left him the first time (when my son was 8 weeks old) She was trying to get on state assistance and the state ordered the paternity test. It took about 8 weeks to get the actual results which led all the way up to the delivery of our daughter. He IS the father of her child who is almost 3 years old now..... My husband has been ordered to pay child support and provide healthcare for her son. This obviously has had a significant affect on myself and my husband emotionally as well as financially. This past payday was our first paycheck to have the child support taken out and I am not sure how we will be able to make ends meet. (especially with a brand new baby, and hospital bills) We agreed I would be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born and I REFUSE to go back to work to pay for this SLUTS child. My husband makes nearly 3 times what she makes, this makes his child support payments ridiculously high!
I am angry and hurt. I feel like I should have left all of the other times he cheated, I feel like those were Gods signs telling me to get out and I didnt listen! I am sooo angry with myself! I am torn between staying and leaving once again... he has shown me an entirely different side and has shown me how much he wants our family. I do believe he has changed, and I know this was a HUGE life changing wake up call... I am just not sure I can live with the fact he impregnated another woman... I do know I will not have my husband have any part of this childs life, he of course has to pay child support but other than that as long as I am around he will not have anything to do with this child! I know it sounds horrible but I personally cannot do it!
We are now trying to contact the other woman to see if she has anyone positive in her sons life to step up and care for him, relinguishing my husbands parental rights. However, the state will NOT give us ANY contact information for her. I feel like we will be fighting a losing battle. I mean, do I not have any rights as his wife?! Obviously not, this one night stand slut has more rights and say in this then I do... its unfair and frustrates the hell out of me!
I have found her on facebook so we decided to write her. So far no response, I am not sure she even is active on there because her profile is set to private. Anyway, this is my story.... any encouraging words, experiences or input would be oh so helpful. Again this is my first time even telling this story... those of you who have read this far, thanks for reading my novel....
It all started 5 years ago when we first got married. We were happy, we could not keep our hands off of each other. This lead to getting pregnant 3 months after we were married. WE were excited to bring a child into this world, or so I thought. After a couple months went by, I started to see phone numbers coming up on his phone, instant messages from females, he was lying about where he was going, I knew he was cheating. I tried to make it work, my entire pregnancy... After I had my son, I told myself I could not have a man like this in his life and decided to leave when he continued to talk to other women. He was in the military so I decided to move back home with my 8 week old baby. (devestating) I raised my son all by myself, living at home and finishing school for 10 months. My husband lived in a different state and we talked on an everyday basis, he said he wanted to make it work and told me he was a changed man. I decided to take him back into our lives and give him another chance... that lead to more and more chances.. uuugggh. Anyway, he came home... a few months went by and it all seemed "better", I thought he had finally changed. I was wrong.. he continued to talk to women at work, on the internet, where ever he could find them. I always told him I would leave, but never did. ( I guess leaving the first time was hard enough on me)
To make a long story short... I believe he has cheated on me all the way up to last January (2010). At that time I was finished, I spoke with a lawyer and it was all nearly finalized when I think he realized he was actually going to lose me. I seen somehthing in him that I had never seen before, dont ask me what, but I decided to give him yet another chance. By this time we had gone through almost 4 years of cheating. (DUMB... I KNOW!)
From last January(2010) until now, I KNOW he has been 100% faithful to me, he has shown me a complete turn around. We found out August (2010) that we were expecting our second child and we were absolutely thrilled. I did not want my son growing up as an only child like I did. I had a great pregnancy, it seemed that our life was FINALLY coming together. BUT this February, one day, when I was just getting home from work, I heard a knock on the door. I answered and a man asked for my husband, I told him that he was not home that I was his wife, I could help him. He explained that he was from the state and he was here to serve papers for a PATERNITY TEST for my husband!!!!! I told him there must be some sort of mistake, we have been married for nearly 5 years!!! He told me he couldnt go into details but he had papers ordered for my husband to take this test. (Let me remind you I am 7 months pregnant at the time.) I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown, my heart actually came up into my throat. I called my husband right away and he couldnt believe his ears as well.
Turns out he slept with a woman when I left him the first time (when my son was 8 weeks old) She was trying to get on state assistance and the state ordered the paternity test. It took about 8 weeks to get the actual results which led all the way up to the delivery of our daughter. He IS the father of her child who is almost 3 years old now..... My husband has been ordered to pay child support and provide healthcare for her son. This obviously has had a significant affect on myself and my husband emotionally as well as financially. This past payday was our first paycheck to have the child support taken out and I am not sure how we will be able to make ends meet. (especially with a brand new baby, and hospital bills) We agreed I would be a stay at home mom when our daughter was born and I REFUSE to go back to work to pay for this SLUTS child. My husband makes nearly 3 times what she makes, this makes his child support payments ridiculously high!
I am angry and hurt. I feel like I should have left all of the other times he cheated, I feel like those were Gods signs telling me to get out and I didnt listen! I am sooo angry with myself! I am torn between staying and leaving once again... he has shown me an entirely different side and has shown me how much he wants our family. I do believe he has changed, and I know this was a HUGE life changing wake up call... I am just not sure I can live with the fact he impregnated another woman... I do know I will not have my husband have any part of this childs life, he of course has to pay child support but other than that as long as I am around he will not have anything to do with this child! I know it sounds horrible but I personally cannot do it!
We are now trying to contact the other woman to see if she has anyone positive in her sons life to step up and care for him, relinguishing my husbands parental rights. However, the state will NOT give us ANY contact information for her. I feel like we will be fighting a losing battle. I mean, do I not have any rights as his wife?! Obviously not, this one night stand slut has more rights and say in this then I do... its unfair and frustrates the hell out of me!
I have found her on facebook so we decided to write her. So far no response, I am not sure she even is active on there because her profile is set to private. Anyway, this is my story.... any encouraging words, experiences or input would be oh so helpful. Again this is my first time even telling this story... those of you who have read this far, thanks for reading my novel....
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Well, I completely understand the horrible spot you're in and from an outside view and first gut response, I'd say that there would be no way as a spouse that I could stick with it. I could never be a party to the spouse having another child outside of the marriage while we were married. I imagine it would be the same for my wife.
Personally, I feel that this would "ick" away at you always. Everytime you look at him, you'd know that he has another kid out there. And worse, that kid has no dad. He might be a great father to your kids, but still, it'd always be there; that knowledge that there's another child of his blood not getting the love and parenting from his/her dad.
As much as he has changed his ways, apparently, there will now be a heavy price to pay for SOMEONE. For you in particular, you'll have to pay no matter WHAT decision is made. If you and he stay together, this unknown entity will always be sucking at your mind, your marriage, and your wallet. And I'm certain that they'll be a point where he'll want to know more about this kid and the kid will someday want to know about him. If you split, then your kids will be punished with a broken household and you'll see your marriage dissolve because of an act that occured a few years ago.
Weighing everything, it seems to me that it's just too much damage. I'd have to call it done. HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS! He left out on the marriage and brought all of this to your world.
It's a heavy price to pay for you no matter what and I'm just sorry that you have this horrible dilema to deal with. Again, it's my first thought here so it may change with additional info and time, but that's for now how I see it.
I wish you MUCH strength and clarity in dealing with this.
-TheRule
Does your husband want to meet the child?
Children dont deserve to be caught in these things - he has an obligation to another human being that he needs to meet. If you can't deal with that then you may well be at the end of the road with him. Frankly - if I were with a guy who was willing to abandon a child like that........well - I wouldn't be with him. Doesnt say much for him at all.
We dont get to punish a child for an adult's incredibly poor behaviour. As much as we may want to.
I hope you can find some local support to help you through as well as this board.
Blogger1- I agree that he will never make this mistake again. At first he said he wanted to be there for the child. But once he knew that i could not allow that, he has since "changed his mind"... I don't want to prevent him from seeing this child and be the bad guy... I explained my reasons and I feel he understands them and wants to do anything to make this right with me. I'm not sure what her feelings on relinquishing his rights would be. She did not know he was married and of course did not know I just had another baby 4weeks ago. I'm hoping and praying she has a heart and would consider me and my family in all of this.
Justcoping- I didn't write this for people to tell me that I am a bad person for not wanting to care for this child. I cannot and will not have anything to do with this child. I mean, am I just supposed to welcome this child into my life with warm and open arms?! That is A LOT to ask of someone. I agree it is not the childs fault, but it also was not my fault nor my legitimate childrens fault. This SLUT (i will say it, because thats what she is) chose to have a one night stand, she chose to keep the child and she CHOSE not to tell anyone for nearly 4 years! If we would have been told while she was pregnant I cam guarantee this all would be different!! This child is her responsibility!! Do not blame me for any hardships her son may have!! His MOTHER did this to him! Not me!
I apologize for any typos or mis spellings... I'm on my phone
((HUGS))
All I said was that its not this childs fault, and punishing the child helps no one. Including you, and your children. take a deep breath before you take it out on other in future.
This is apublic board - you post here you get all responses - not onl;y the ones you want to hear. which may be why you' ve told no one else - cos everyone is going to tell you not to punish the child whether you want to hear it or not.
Yes, the cheating in bad enough. Clearly you and your H are working thru it all. This child - as a single mom, I have to say, there is a reason for mandated child support.
Because single parents need it. The child is innocent in all of this. Seems like the mother of this child needs the help, seeing as she was applying for state funds. Paternal responsibility usually must be exhausted before state funds kick in.
What happened sucks in your life, but I have to say, that this was a consensual act between two adults. Now come the consequences. Child support and health care are among them.
I see no reason why you can't keep moving forward with your H as you had been. But move forward together, as a team, as a unit. It's possible.
I am not getting the impression that this woman is 'after' anything. She did not contact your H when she found out she was pregnant, or gave birth, or soon after. She has not been hounding anyone for money. Seems to me she's been trying to handle this on her own, and now? Needs the help.
As a single mom, it may not be what you want to hear, but he really should step up to take financial responsibility for this child.
Just my two cents...sending you support, L~
We can all say what we would do, but you have to decide if you love your H enough to stay knowing what he has done. Here is another thing that you may have to consider at some point. Although it was not your children's choice, nor was it yours, nor was it your H's, they do have another sibling. Blood ties are very strong and they may want to get to know their sibling someday. Are you strong enough for this? That child may also want to know your H. Are you strong enough for that?
Whatever you decide is up to you. Don't feel stupid. Don't beat yourself up. You love your H and, until this mess, you had a tremendous capacity to forgive him because you love him. Honestly, this is a jagged pill to swallow, even for the most forgiving. I pray for you that God gives you strength and wisdom in this. Sending you support.
You have very difficult decisions to make.
Whichever you decide, I wish you peace.
I totally understand that my husband has to pay child support, 100%! There is absolutely no getting around this unless he relinguishes his rights! (which ideally "I" would like to happen). It sucks... it really does but by law he has to pay so i know there is no getting around this.
But expecting me to except this child into my life is ALOT to ask... and I simply CANNOT do that. Does this mean I get should get a divorce? Does this child mean more than I do in this situation....? Honestly can someone answer this? This is a real question of mine...
Feeling sorry for this girl is never going to happen.... ever! First of all she is not an innocent victim in all of this. She was sleeping around, another man signed the birth certificate,and the little boy is named after him.. ----, jr. This guy was in this boys life as the "daddy" for awhile it seems.. I dont think until she broke up with the guy she even wanted my husband to be apart of the childs life... Until what? She needed money?! Thats all this is about to her! I do not know what her expectations are, ilike i said we were not given any contact information, but I sure would like to talk to her about all of this and tell her MY side to this story.. and explain to her that there are other children not just hers involved. If we would have been contacted while she was pregnant or even shortly after, I promise this would have been a whole different story. It is her fault for not telling my husband sooner and sorry in my opinion, her AND her son will suffer for that.
It seemes like you all are so focused on this "other child",,,, well what about MY children? They have a role in this as well. This not only is taking away money that provides for them, but this takes away a VERY special bond they HAD with their father! Now they arent special anymore...Does anyone see that? =(
Thank you, broken02, L, and znzsmom for taking the time to read this and give your two cents, I really do appreciate it and it gives me alot to think about.
i have not even thought about. Just hearing the word really gets me emotional because that is something i have not felt for a VERY long time and I desereve to feel it.
Thank you for your kind words!
You have no obligation to this child whatsoever. Unfortunately, your H does. He has an obvious monetary obligation, and he may feel an emotional obligation (which he should be allowed to feel and pursue). That is what you have been given. You have to decide if you can accept it, or not. You don't have to accept it. No one would blame you, including your kids, if you say its too much to deal with.
As for the child being a part of your life....mmm...that's not something I could handle either...not yet anyway. So, taking the child into your home - visitation...weekends etc.... probably not a good idea. However, as far as your H goes - well, that's different. My H wants nothing to do with the OC at this time - in fact, he 'hates' the thought of her...I think he uses her as a scapegoat for his guilt... But...and its a big but...time changes everything. I know that intimately from other tragedies I've lived through. His feelings may change - and if and when they do - I refuse to be the one who trapped him or forced his hand - I wish he'd had the same consideration for me when he was whoring around for yrs. He can be a part of her life seperate from me if he so wishes...time will tell.
The other piece of this is your kids. I too have two other children. One only is blood related to the OC. Eventually, even if no contact is maintained, the OC will be curious and come looking for her 'father'. If I keep all knowledge of this sibling from my little one (only 4mos older than the OC) how will I explain that to her? How could I justify keeping them seperate? Disallowing her the right to know her sibling? I can only imagine a wounded teenager's reaction to that. Very hard to negotiate...and I'm not sure how to approach it yet. But...as I said...time...I'm allowing myself time. The OC and my child are just over a year old - I have a few yrs to figure this out (before they would consciously remember any of it) - this muddled and grey area of association...I am, for now, giving myself the gift of time. I will revisit my thinking on this later. I have 'bigger fish to fry' right now ;-/
Another thing that pops out to me here is the OW and her lack of contact with your H. Likely, she doesn't want him to have any part of the child's life. She may refuse contact...and he would actually have to take her to court to establish visitation - well, that's a whole other barrel of monkeys isn't it?
Contact may be a moot point. It must be VERY hard that she won't speak with you. I have made contact with the OW - and said my piece - received my deserved apology - and made sure she recognized that every cent of support she is taking from us is being taken right out of my children's mouths. That I am actually having to work overtime to compensate for the insanely shitty thing SHE and my H did (she knew he was married - and proceeded to have a 9month long affair with him). She even backed down the amount of support she is taking...for now anyway.
My heart goes out to you red...know you are not alone. Sending you a TON of support...good luck ;-)