Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been married for 17 years.
I am a pretty devout Christian since 2002 and my wife recently became a believer in the latter end of 2012.
My wife had some pretty serious surgery in 2009. In May of 2009 she was having problems with her work so I told her that she could retire.
I travel out of town 3 times a year for 1 week. This last trip in March 2013 I was going to come home Thursday instead of Friday because bad weather was expected and I had to drive over 3 nasty passes. I called my wife to let her know that I was leaving and that she should expect me home around 9 PM. She said something that was very out of the ordinary..."Call me when you get to Montrose". Montrose is a town that I get to after driving over the 3 and she usually wants me to call her after each pass.
I returned home safely and she was so happy to see me. It was thrilling to be home. I was with her that night and we were very intimate. I noticed that she was kind of sore but did not think anything of it.
The next day after work she wanted to go to bingo with her friend so I gave her some money and she left. I went into our spare bedroom and on the ground next to the bed was an open condom wrapper. I still did not get it! She called after the first session of bingo and I told her about the wrapper. She said that the only thing she can think of is that it might have come from her youngest son when he was here doing laundry.
About a 1/2 hour later she comes home crying and tells me...she was having an affair. I was stunned and could not say anything. I was still thinking that it was from her youngest son - it could never be her!
Well it turns out that she was having an affair for the last 2 years and was with him Thursday evening while I was driving home - in fact he was in my home when I called and that is why she asked me to call when I got to Montrose.
Her story:
The first year he wooed her and they were together once. Then he broke it off for a year because he was going to try to make his marriage work. After a year they started up again. She said they were together 10 or more times - twice in our house in our bed.
She would not leave so I left. She said that she still loved me and did not have any feelings for him but she was addicted to the feeling of being pursued by him and could not break it off. She says that she tried but just could not.
I returned home after 2 days. After talking for another 2 days I found out that she let him take some pictures and shoot a video of them. It was like starting all over again.
So after hitting rock bottom I asked if there was anything else. She told me that she also had another affair the year before with one of here ex-boyfriends from high school. This affair lasted a year and she was developing feelings for him. She said that he wanted her to stop having sex with me but she would not so he broke it off.
So now I am trying to make sense of this. We have been together but I am very confused. I have no idea who she is. She says that she was being selfish...that was the only reason. She says that she will do anything to make our marriage work. That lasted about a week and now she gets upset when I ask questions.
Has anyone - even on Jerry Springer - been through anything like this?
I am a pretty devout Christian since 2002 and my wife recently became a believer in the latter end of 2012.
My wife had some pretty serious surgery in 2009. In May of 2009 she was having problems with her work so I told her that she could retire.
I travel out of town 3 times a year for 1 week. This last trip in March 2013 I was going to come home Thursday instead of Friday because bad weather was expected and I had to drive over 3 nasty passes. I called my wife to let her know that I was leaving and that she should expect me home around 9 PM. She said something that was very out of the ordinary..."Call me when you get to Montrose". Montrose is a town that I get to after driving over the 3 and she usually wants me to call her after each pass.
I returned home safely and she was so happy to see me. It was thrilling to be home. I was with her that night and we were very intimate. I noticed that she was kind of sore but did not think anything of it.
The next day after work she wanted to go to bingo with her friend so I gave her some money and she left. I went into our spare bedroom and on the ground next to the bed was an open condom wrapper. I still did not get it! She called after the first session of bingo and I told her about the wrapper. She said that the only thing she can think of is that it might have come from her youngest son when he was here doing laundry.
About a 1/2 hour later she comes home crying and tells me...she was having an affair. I was stunned and could not say anything. I was still thinking that it was from her youngest son - it could never be her!
Well it turns out that she was having an affair for the last 2 years and was with him Thursday evening while I was driving home - in fact he was in my home when I called and that is why she asked me to call when I got to Montrose.
Her story:
The first year he wooed her and they were together once. Then he broke it off for a year because he was going to try to make his marriage work. After a year they started up again. She said they were together 10 or more times - twice in our house in our bed.
She would not leave so I left. She said that she still loved me and did not have any feelings for him but she was addicted to the feeling of being pursued by him and could not break it off. She says that she tried but just could not.
I returned home after 2 days. After talking for another 2 days I found out that she let him take some pictures and shoot a video of them. It was like starting all over again.
So after hitting rock bottom I asked if there was anything else. She told me that she also had another affair the year before with one of here ex-boyfriends from high school. This affair lasted a year and she was developing feelings for him. She said that he wanted her to stop having sex with me but she would not so he broke it off.
So now I am trying to make sense of this. We have been together but I am very confused. I have no idea who she is. She says that she was being selfish...that was the only reason. She says that she will do anything to make our marriage work. That lasted about a week and now she gets upset when I ask questions.
Has anyone - even on Jerry Springer - been through anything like this?
The #1 priority in rebuilding is the willingness of both parties to do their part. The cs must be completely forth coming, an open book withh of their cards on the table. They must be remorseful and willing to accept their wrong doing. They must be willing tomtomall that it takes to build that trust.
The bs must be willing to accept that it happened and that there is no way to uniting that bell. They must be able to forgive or atleast walk a path towards forgiveness. That doesn't mean forget or get over nit means to stop holding it against their cs. To stop hating and being bitter towards their cs over it. This could take months or even years to accomplish but they must be willing to walk that path and move forward with it.
The bs must be willing at some point to look into the damage in the marriage pre affair. Meaning their role in problems within the marriage. This in no way, means take responsibility for the A but take responsibility for the demise of the marriage. Again, this can take a long time as they bs has to first lick the wounds of the infidelity until they are strong enough to search into the marriage.
If either the bs or the cs are not willing todo their part,mchances are,mrebuildingnwill be close to impossible or half assed. A true rebuilding requires a lot. If you read posts from other couples who have rebuilt you will se which ones are successful and which ones aren't.
It's almost accross the board consistent, that the rebuilders who still feel dissatisfied with the state of their marriage have not had both parties doing their part. One or both either refuse or stopped doing their part
The rebuilders who feel happy with their new marriage, rebuilt relationship will almost always say that it was because their cs was very remorseful, honest, open and patient with their pain and mistrust. The rebuilders who are successful will show that the bs also took ownership,in their part with the marriage going south. Again not taking blame for the A. But most of the time the bs was part in creating an environment within the relationship that left the cs empty, lonely or rejected. Instead of the cs putting their energy into trying to fix it ,mthen chose to suppliment eye relationship by having the A.
I'm sorry if I've rambeled but I had a lot to say.
Pink
I don't think you rambled at all! You had some magnificent things to say, well summarized! Kudos girl, miss ya!
Typos- I don't care, im queen of typos, and we could get the gist out of it very well!
I was pretty dumb myself. I had to be hit over the head to accept the fact that my husband was having an affair. He admitted to screwing his bitch for three years. It was probably longer. But we are in a good place now, after counseling.
Good luck!
Many cheaters, when faced with the financial fallout of divorce, typically want to patch things up with the spouse. My ex did. When I confronted him, the fist thing out of his mouth was, "I'll go to counseling." He knew if I divorced him, he was going to lose lots of money. And he did.
Divorce is no walk in the park. I would advise you see an attorney and a counselor to help advise you on what to do. I would also get an std test. Yes, she used a condom once that you know of, but did she always use one? You deserve to be safe and be with someone who cares about you.
So sorry this has happened.
The paperwork will be there when you're ready, it ain't going nowhere!
More importantly, to me right now, is your healing! I think that you do need to still get more answers, about her situation, her betrayal, her 2 boyfriends, why she wasn't "feelin ya", and address the whole lack of communication thing. Regardless of whether you get divorced or not, you may want some kind of understanding, and closure, so that eventually, you can heal properly, and then move on. It's obvious, man, that you loved her, and still may.....
I'd recommend a longer time apart, but where she picks up her butt and has to be inconvenienced, while you stay in the house. It's a nice trial run, for her to get some reality to set in. She may think that you are just squawkin, and not meaning it,....the divorce.
A 3 week or so separation, will give ya both plenty of time to think, and a better chance to heal...versus seeing her face right in front of you, accompanied by some fricken attitude. She must get the magnitude of this, and eventually take full ownership. After that, she needs to beg your forgiveness, along w/ God's forgiveness, and seek professional help. If she is truly remorseful, then you can and probably will finally forgive her. And that's important for you, eventually down the road, even if it takes 2-3 years.....cuz otherwise you may not be emotionally ready for some other good woman out there, due to your lack of healing, deep pain, lack of closure, and lack of forgiveness.
And then, you'd be walkin around, carrying all this weight and baggage on your shoulders. That's why I suggest, the separation first, cuz I'm pretty sure your feelings will flip flop, and your anger will come and go, and your depression will vacillate.....all this stuff tends to happen like a giant pendulum swing, going from one extreme to another. It just seems to happen, whether we like it or not.
In the meantime, surround yourself with family, good friends, and get your support network going. Yup, that means the cat is out of the bag, even if you think that you both may patch things up, you don't need to protect her, as "it is what it is".
And finally, don't forget to hydrate yourself, more w/ water than booze, lol, eat properly, and try to get the much needed sleep, cuz this whole fricken escapade does a huge number on our bodies, minds, hearts, and souls. It permeates thru everything, to the dang core, it really does.
So, I think, it's a little soon, to make a final conclusion, about the marriage. But if she's a serial cheater, well....those are probably the hardest to ever trust again, and if she doesn't feel the deep love for you anymore, well....you know what you have to do! But I do like what HurtnHealing said! She's very wise, kind, and has super insight! I'm referring to the part where she said, a lot of cheaters switch gears and want to reconcile right away, say they'll hit up counseling, etc. and do everything right.....all for the wrong reasons. Cuz they are sometimes selfish fools, who are trying to protect their own assets, and fool ya into thinking that they want you back, when in reality, they want the security of the marriage back! Well hells ,bells, and banana shells ! They ain't never gonna get that back "the security of the marriage". They blew that out of the water, a long time ago, especially when there's 2 others or more....by their selfish choices. Trust is very delicate, and very special, and once it is lost, it's almost like the holy grail....trying to find it again, and it takes so much dang hard work, and one has to be vulnerable again, which means you would have to open up your heart again, and risk more damage. So yeah, trust was blown big time, and no matter what she says, she can't change that now! The only thing that can change it now, is her actions. But like Hurt said, I'd be very careful, to watch and determine her true intentions, agenda, or possibly even manipulation. Serious counseling, and a lot of time, hard concerted efforts, lottsa talk, etc. would be required first, not to mention a couple years at least, and they aren't going to be easy years, I promise!