Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been married for 17 years.
I am a pretty devout Christian since 2002 and my wife recently became a believer in the latter end of 2012.
My wife had some pretty serious surgery in 2009. In May of 2009 she was having problems with her work so I told her that she could retire.
I travel out of town 3 times a year for 1 week. This last trip in March 2013 I was going to come home Thursday instead of Friday because bad weather was expected and I had to drive over 3 nasty passes. I called my wife to let her know that I was leaving and that she should expect me home around 9 PM. She said something that was very out of the ordinary..."Call me when you get to Montrose". Montrose is a town that I get to after driving over the 3 and she usually wants me to call her after each pass.
I returned home safely and she was so happy to see me. It was thrilling to be home. I was with her that night and we were very intimate. I noticed that she was kind of sore but did not think anything of it.
The next day after work she wanted to go to bingo with her friend so I gave her some money and she left. I went into our spare bedroom and on the ground next to the bed was an open condom wrapper. I still did not get it! She called after the first session of bingo and I told her about the wrapper. She said that the only thing she can think of is that it might have come from her youngest son when he was here doing laundry.
About a 1/2 hour later she comes home crying and tells me...she was having an affair. I was stunned and could not say anything. I was still thinking that it was from her youngest son - it could never be her!
Well it turns out that she was having an affair for the last 2 years and was with him Thursday evening while I was driving home - in fact he was in my home when I called and that is why she asked me to call when I got to Montrose.
Her story:
The first year he wooed her and they were together once. Then he broke it off for a year because he was going to try to make his marriage work. After a year they started up again. She said they were together 10 or more times - twice in our house in our bed.
She would not leave so I left. She said that she still loved me and did not have any feelings for him but she was addicted to the feeling of being pursued by him and could not break it off. She says that she tried but just could not.
I returned home after 2 days. After talking for another 2 days I found out that she let him take some pictures and shoot a video of them. It was like starting all over again.
So after hitting rock bottom I asked if there was anything else. She told me that she also had another affair the year before with one of here ex-boyfriends from high school. This affair lasted a year and she was developing feelings for him. She said that he wanted her to stop having sex with me but she would not so he broke it off.
So now I am trying to make sense of this. We have been together but I am very confused. I have no idea who she is. She says that she was being selfish...that was the only reason. She says that she will do anything to make our marriage work. That lasted about a week and now she gets upset when I ask questions.
Has anyone - even on Jerry Springer - been through anything like this?
I am a pretty devout Christian since 2002 and my wife recently became a believer in the latter end of 2012.
My wife had some pretty serious surgery in 2009. In May of 2009 she was having problems with her work so I told her that she could retire.
I travel out of town 3 times a year for 1 week. This last trip in March 2013 I was going to come home Thursday instead of Friday because bad weather was expected and I had to drive over 3 nasty passes. I called my wife to let her know that I was leaving and that she should expect me home around 9 PM. She said something that was very out of the ordinary..."Call me when you get to Montrose". Montrose is a town that I get to after driving over the 3 and she usually wants me to call her after each pass.
I returned home safely and she was so happy to see me. It was thrilling to be home. I was with her that night and we were very intimate. I noticed that she was kind of sore but did not think anything of it.
The next day after work she wanted to go to bingo with her friend so I gave her some money and she left. I went into our spare bedroom and on the ground next to the bed was an open condom wrapper. I still did not get it! She called after the first session of bingo and I told her about the wrapper. She said that the only thing she can think of is that it might have come from her youngest son when he was here doing laundry.
About a 1/2 hour later she comes home crying and tells me...she was having an affair. I was stunned and could not say anything. I was still thinking that it was from her youngest son - it could never be her!
Well it turns out that she was having an affair for the last 2 years and was with him Thursday evening while I was driving home - in fact he was in my home when I called and that is why she asked me to call when I got to Montrose.
Her story:
The first year he wooed her and they were together once. Then he broke it off for a year because he was going to try to make his marriage work. After a year they started up again. She said they were together 10 or more times - twice in our house in our bed.
She would not leave so I left. She said that she still loved me and did not have any feelings for him but she was addicted to the feeling of being pursued by him and could not break it off. She says that she tried but just could not.
I returned home after 2 days. After talking for another 2 days I found out that she let him take some pictures and shoot a video of them. It was like starting all over again.
So after hitting rock bottom I asked if there was anything else. She told me that she also had another affair the year before with one of here ex-boyfriends from high school. This affair lasted a year and she was developing feelings for him. She said that he wanted her to stop having sex with me but she would not so he broke it off.
So now I am trying to make sense of this. We have been together but I am very confused. I have no idea who she is. She says that she was being selfish...that was the only reason. She says that she will do anything to make our marriage work. That lasted about a week and now she gets upset when I ask questions.
Has anyone - even on Jerry Springer - been through anything like this?
I know this is difficult to understand and I sometimes struggle with it myself, but I have proven it time and time again. He simply does not do things the way we think He should.
The Christain faith makes provision for divorce in cases of infidelity, because God is a loving God and he understands the tremendous amount of pain and suffering this can bring. But He didn't say you have to divorce because of it. He doesn't even reveal what should be done right away, and He does that so we can continue to call on Him, to ask Him for stenghth, and so that we can witness Him come through for us, seemingly against all odds. That's all part of how He helps us to learn to trust Him.
With time, what God wants for Jdickey and what makes sense will be one and the same and that will become abundantly clear to him as long as he remains faithful.
Jdickey: I hope you have a good counsellor. One who can tell you what you may expect and how to deal with it. At least in your case, your wife is not in love with this man, or so she says. If she is in love more than likely she will find some other way to communicate with him.
When I discovered my husband's 'first affair' he was extremely remorseful. He deleted all female contacts from his phone, and removed the password so I could check it anytime. That was just for the start. He soon realised he couldn't help himself and was forgetting to delete his call history and messages. I don't want to dampen her/your efforts. I just want you to be aware. It imay not be so simple. Keep praying and when you don't know what to pray for, just ask the Lord to take care of you and your heart.
Have a nice Sunday, all, as much as possible.
I really want to get back to where I was and not have any pain but I trust Him and know that He will see me through.
jdickey, I'm glad that you wrote that your wife is doing all the right things. That's a step in the right direction. However, your hellish journey with this has only just begun. It takes time to get through all this. Your pain will continue to flare and diminish as you go through every day of dealing with your wife's repeated betrayals. Some days you will think everything is going along fine, and other days will bring you to your knees. Some days you'll be going along just great and then something will trigger you and you will go lower that you ever thought you could. Expect unimaginable pain for the future. You will find that your wife's adultery will affect you for a very, very, very long time. It takes years, years to get through this just to fell all right. You'll never forget it, though. And speaking of my own experience, I wish I had divorced my h when I found out about him because it just hasn't been worth it to live through this and keep trying. My h did cheat again after we tried to reconcile. I want to divorce my h and I am trying to work up the courage to file.
I wish you luck , but don't forget, as precious as marriage is to God, God doesn't want us to suffer, and adultery is acceptable to God as a reason for divorce.
Other than deleting her email accounts and facebook and saying that she wants to become baptized I really have not seen a dramatic change in her from before - she was and is reading the Bible, she was and is intimate with me.
It has only been a little more than 2 weeks and she sometimes gets mad when I bring something up or if I drift away by myself. She says that she is suspicious of my intentions of moving forward with her because I said that I want to sell the house and move. She thinks that I am plotting revenge. Maybe I am...all I can think of is that she is trying to divert the attention from my pain and humiliation to her issues.
I am only getting a few hours of sleep each night so I know that I am all over the place but this is driving me to thinking that she will not change no matter what she says.
We even got an argument about sex. She said that she was starting to feel the same feeling that she did during our first few years of marriage - "She was feeling obligated to do it instead of wanting to do it".
All I have is my faith and that is exactly what I need. I am just going through a difficult event but I know it will end up being for God's glory!
I am greatly concerned that she revealed to you, that she is starting to feel "obligated" to have sex, as opposed to want to make love with you! That is very revealing, and I would hope you would address that with your counselor.
Secondly, I'm very upset that she has brought 2 other men into your union! And didn't you imply that she is starting to have feelings for her ex??? That also concerns me a lot!
And thirdly, if she is so free, to give it away, is there a chance that she does have a sexual addiction, addicted to either sex, the thrill, or using sex to make herself feel "special"? Well, that aspect needs to be examined inside an out, thru counseling.
Fourth, the baptism....??? If she just joined the Church recently, was it for her own reasons...or to appease your, to convince you of her heart, or to deceive you???? This is one of my greatest concerns because most of us know that when you know God, you really do experience the change, thus the expression, "I'll never be the same again!" And if she engaged in this deceitful, crappy, selfish behavior, after becoming a Christian, well apparently, she didn't change. And I'm not so sure that "Baptism" will change her either.
I know you want to "give her the benefit of the doubt", but with what all you have written, I don't think that I would, or could. Now, is the time that she has to prove herself to you! I don't recommend divorce, normally....but if she doesn't start to "get real" with you, and doesn't suffer any consequences (like kicking her butt to the curb, or forcing her to move in with her family/friends, etc), she's likely to repeat this series of affairs.
I am also not liking that she gets "upset" with you, when you bring up questions/discussion/etc. about her behavior. That is not true remorse...she needs to learn to take accountability for her actions, admit her mistakes, beg forgiveness, and prove it by being fully transparent. And you may want to share with her, what so many of us here came to learn,... hundreds of people here have learned that the betrayed has a right to heal, and she is responsible and should be an active participant in that healing, which means you have every right to discuss/ask questions, and be leery of her.....she must help you to heal, if you are going to heal. And, seriously, if she gets defensive, then, buddy, she ain't serious or real, about helpin you heal! That's just my 2 cents!
After all, she ain't the victim here, you are, and she chose her actions. Now tell her to put her "big girl" pants on, and fix what she messed up.
Last question: Do you guys have children involved from your marriage? I know she has a son, but how bout you guys, did you have kids together? That may also play into your feelings.
Just remember, you can't fix this, you can't fix her! The only one who can fix this is her (if she chooses and takes full responsibility), and of course the Lord will watch over this. The Lord helps those who help themselves, so we can't expect him to perform a miracle on this marriage, if she chooses to continue this pattern, and spread!
This situation requires ACTION!
Faith will not help you, except a shoulder to cry on.
Rewarding a cheating wife with movies, sex, and dinner will ultimately lead to a failure in your marriage.
Why WOULDN't she cheat again?
I wish I could offer some advice/wisdom. But I'm in need of plenty of that myself, I would just say listen to the other stories here, as they've helped comfort me a lot.
You're not alone.
In the meantime, fasten your seat belt.
Also, if you have not read the healing library over at survivinginfidelity.com, go do so.
That said - there were a LOT of words of wisdom that shined through in what others have said, regardless of what they think you should do. The first is that you're just beginning on your journey of healing. Regardless of what choices you make regarding your marriage, you are in for a heck of a ride. We've all been on that ride, and I don't envy you. BUT YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Whether the heart shattering feelings of betrayal, the resentment and anger, the "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!?" the "What's wrong with me!?" we've all experienced at least some fragments of what you're going through.
My #1 advice to everyone who has ever had the misfortune of walking in your shoes: REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Even if you were the worst, most abusive, most horrible husband in the world (and you were NOT) she had CHOICES. She could have asked you to leave or could have left herself. She could have asked for counseling. She could have admitted that the man(men!) were pursuing her and she liked the way it made her feel and needed your help (and God's?) to steer away from them. Whatever - she HAD choices. She chose to have an affair. That is on her.
Second: THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY. No one else - not even your wife - can tell you how to walk the path to healing. Just because one person divorced and found peace or just because another couple reconciled and found love again - it doesn't matter. YOUR journey is YOURS alone and it will happen at your pace and on your terms. This may mean a lot of back and forth. It may mean a decisive action from you. It may mean a lot of prayer. It may mean a lot of tears. Whatever your path, don't apologize, and don't explain - you have to do what's right for YOU.
After that, I don't think any advice I have will be of use to you because you're probably not there, yet. You need time to let the dust settle before you'll be able to think clearly.
Take care of yourself! Nurture yourself! Allow yourself to feel what you feel and do whatever you need to make sure you are safe and well.
I am leaving this weekend to be by myself. I planned my flight and made hotel arrangements. Originally I was thinking that I am going to move on by myself but now we will have to see what this time apart does for us.
Still dealing with mood swings but today and yesterday were my best days in the last 3 weeks. Today is 3 weeks from finding out.
I really do want to get away from this town, there are just way too many reminders. I know that I cannot run away from things but I need a break.
Anyway I really appreciate everyone and pray the best for each one of our situations.
Kudos to you! You'll get all kinds of responses here. One good thing is:
You know you aren't alone
You'll see many perspectives
And it will give you food for thought
My best intervention was my best Christian friend, from childhood and her hubby. They came over, and offered us many things: prayer, their story, honesty, and encouraged us to try very hard first, prior to just throwing in the towel. In hindsight, that was super helpful to us.
Also helpful was this site, and the many good people who offered much in way of their experiences, considerations, advice, and valuable insight! You don't have to please anyone here, just take care of yourself, your precious heart, and keep on trying to learn who you are, what you want, and make baby steps in attaining that! So far so good, in my book! Hang tight, it is not a pleasant ride, yet, many often feel that there can be some good, after all the bad!