Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I have been married for 17 years.
I am a pretty devout Christian since 2002 and my wife recently became a believer in the latter end of 2012.
My wife had some pretty serious surgery in 2009. In May of 2009 she was having problems with her work so I told her that she could retire.
I travel out of town 3 times a year for 1 week. This last trip in March 2013 I was going to come home Thursday instead of Friday because bad weather was expected and I had to drive over 3 nasty passes. I called my wife to let her know that I was leaving and that she should expect me home around 9 PM. She said something that was very out of the ordinary..."Call me when you get to Montrose". Montrose is a town that I get to after driving over the 3 and she usually wants me to call her after each pass.
I returned home safely and she was so happy to see me. It was thrilling to be home. I was with her that night and we were very intimate. I noticed that she was kind of sore but did not think anything of it.
The next day after work she wanted to go to bingo with her friend so I gave her some money and she left. I went into our spare bedroom and on the ground next to the bed was an open condom wrapper. I still did not get it! She called after the first session of bingo and I told her about the wrapper. She said that the only thing she can think of is that it might have come from her youngest son when he was here doing laundry.
About a 1/2 hour later she comes home crying and tells me...she was having an affair. I was stunned and could not say anything. I was still thinking that it was from her youngest son - it could never be her!
Well it turns out that she was having an affair for the last 2 years and was with him Thursday evening while I was driving home - in fact he was in my home when I called and that is why she asked me to call when I got to Montrose.
Her story:
The first year he wooed her and they were together once. Then he broke it off for a year because he was going to try to make his marriage work. After a year they started up again. She said they were together 10 or more times - twice in our house in our bed.
She would not leave so I left. She said that she still loved me and did not have any feelings for him but she was addicted to the feeling of being pursued by him and could not break it off. She says that she tried but just could not.
I returned home after 2 days. After talking for another 2 days I found out that she let him take some pictures and shoot a video of them. It was like starting all over again.
So after hitting rock bottom I asked if there was anything else. She told me that she also had another affair the year before with one of here ex-boyfriends from high school. This affair lasted a year and she was developing feelings for him. She said that he wanted her to stop having sex with me but she would not so he broke it off.
So now I am trying to make sense of this. We have been together but I am very confused. I have no idea who she is. She says that she was being selfish...that was the only reason. She says that she will do anything to make our marriage work. That lasted about a week and now she gets upset when I ask questions.
Has anyone - even on Jerry Springer - been through anything like this?
I am a pretty devout Christian since 2002 and my wife recently became a believer in the latter end of 2012.
My wife had some pretty serious surgery in 2009. In May of 2009 she was having problems with her work so I told her that she could retire.
I travel out of town 3 times a year for 1 week. This last trip in March 2013 I was going to come home Thursday instead of Friday because bad weather was expected and I had to drive over 3 nasty passes. I called my wife to let her know that I was leaving and that she should expect me home around 9 PM. She said something that was very out of the ordinary..."Call me when you get to Montrose". Montrose is a town that I get to after driving over the 3 and she usually wants me to call her after each pass.
I returned home safely and she was so happy to see me. It was thrilling to be home. I was with her that night and we were very intimate. I noticed that she was kind of sore but did not think anything of it.
The next day after work she wanted to go to bingo with her friend so I gave her some money and she left. I went into our spare bedroom and on the ground next to the bed was an open condom wrapper. I still did not get it! She called after the first session of bingo and I told her about the wrapper. She said that the only thing she can think of is that it might have come from her youngest son when he was here doing laundry.
About a 1/2 hour later she comes home crying and tells me...she was having an affair. I was stunned and could not say anything. I was still thinking that it was from her youngest son - it could never be her!
Well it turns out that she was having an affair for the last 2 years and was with him Thursday evening while I was driving home - in fact he was in my home when I called and that is why she asked me to call when I got to Montrose.
Her story:
The first year he wooed her and they were together once. Then he broke it off for a year because he was going to try to make his marriage work. After a year they started up again. She said they were together 10 or more times - twice in our house in our bed.
She would not leave so I left. She said that she still loved me and did not have any feelings for him but she was addicted to the feeling of being pursued by him and could not break it off. She says that she tried but just could not.
I returned home after 2 days. After talking for another 2 days I found out that she let him take some pictures and shoot a video of them. It was like starting all over again.
So after hitting rock bottom I asked if there was anything else. She told me that she also had another affair the year before with one of here ex-boyfriends from high school. This affair lasted a year and she was developing feelings for him. She said that he wanted her to stop having sex with me but she would not so he broke it off.
So now I am trying to make sense of this. We have been together but I am very confused. I have no idea who she is. She says that she was being selfish...that was the only reason. She says that she will do anything to make our marriage work. That lasted about a week and now she gets upset when I ask questions.
Has anyone - even on Jerry Springer - been through anything like this?
What you wrote is a tough situation because like you said - you now have no idea who this person is.
she is finding happiness through "sin". instead of happines through hobbies or with you.
She is doing stupid. Stupid can take a while to shake and your in shock from the stupid. I mean really your in shock as we all have been.
Don't be under any illusions she is going to fix herself and be the women you married right away.
She has to want to fix herself - Does she want do that? do you want to stick around?
Will she go to counseling both church and professional?
We are guys - guys want to fix something broken - Sinks, lawnmowers, whatevers broken around the house - that is probably where you head will be at for awhile.
Do you want to fix it and can it be fixed and does it want to be fixed?
Move back into your house. My cheater refused to leave when I demanded he get out. I refused to let him stay and he did leave. My h told our marriage counselor that he didn't feel it was right that I kicked him out. Sound like your wife?
In the first reply, onyx says she will never be the woman you married. I say she is the woman you married. I say she's not the woman you think you married.
She has lied to you for a long time. She won't change. Unburden yourself and give yourself a chance at being happy. Divorce her. That's just my opinion.
Why do I get this erie feeling that there is more here....as if you haven't heard enough. Where there's smoke, there's fire.
IDK what to tell you my friend. This sort of repeat cheating is pretty hard to recover from.
What are your thoughts on divorce?
You will probably read all kinds of articles that tell you spouses cheat when they are not satisfied in their existing relationships, and you will start wondering where you went wrong. That is not always the case, and especially, serial cheaters cheat because of their own deficiencies, moral and otherwise.
It is a form of addiction and the fact that your wife confessed when she didn't have to suggests that she is crying out for help. She is probably sick of herself and wants to change.
I would not be so quick to divorce. If need be, only divorce when you are certain that 1) you have done all possible to save your marriage, and there is no point in continuing with it and or 2) Happiness does not return after 'long enough'. Only you will know when is long enough.
You didn't really express how you feel but we all know just how devasted and sick to your stomach you are feeling. You probably won't eat nor sleep well for a while. But, believe this, you will eventually feel whole again, with or without her, however, it won't happen overnight. This will be a journey and the sooner you find the right support and counsel (christian or otherwise) the better for you. There are thing you can do that will make things worse and delay the healing process, but there are also things you can do to help yourself. Please seek that much needed help.
You said you are both christian and this can make the world of difference. First, you will understand why you need to forgive her, although that too will be a process. But also understand that forgiveness does not have to mean reconciliation.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I've been there and it was the toughest thing I ever had to face. But just remember 'He will never leave you nor forsake you' and 'God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform'.
This is hard to believe, but if you remain faithful, He will show you the path you need to take and at the end you will be stronger, happier and more peaceful. That is what He did for me and He will also do it for you. I'll be praying for you. Blessings.
change and I know you want the same for you and your wife. All we can do is wait and see... As much as that sucks! Some days I don't want to wait. I don't want to wast more of my life if he doesn't change. But, if they can, it might be worth the fight. I need to listen to my own advice here, but hang in there and give it time.
You guys will need to talk a lot to get to the bottom of this, and let me tell you, if what she is saying is not making sense, if it is not adding up, you will have a serious problem to deal with, because it will mean, she is simply a selfish serial cheater, just looking to please herself, at all costs. Now, that said, it does not mean she can't be genuinely sorry for her behaviour and want to recommit to you in full. But if she is an addict, she will need help, lots of it. If you decide to give your marriage a shot, as a condition, you will need to insist that she gets that help, because no matter what she tells you, she will find it extremely difficult to make that change on her own. You will need to apply tough love and set ground rules so that she understands you will have zero tolerance for any further indiscretions. If you are not firm in letting her understand that any violations will mean immediate separation, she will continue to take you for a ride. But you will need to prepare yourself mentally so that if she violates, you are ready to separate.
I believe you still love your wife and may not want to entertain the thought of separation. But you will do neither yourself, her nor your marriage any good if you don't get this tough. It could jolt her into getting serious about the marriage.
It is sad that that people who say they love you would do things like this, but unfortunately, as I have learned, this is reality. This is life. Good luck to you both.
No one can tell you what to do here but there are deal breakers in this world, even in marriage, even in faith, and that would be one of them. Hell, she knew you were on the road, driving home, and she was doing another guy? Shaking my head here...
She may admit to being selfish, and she is right. does she admit to being an asshole and to being stupid too?
Wow, she really makes me mad.
L~
I am so sorry, this is awful for you I know, but I think she is truly rotten to the core and you had best let her go.
She is capable of having her lover in your house and giving you sloppy seconds.
Does it get lower than that?
I am certain you deserve better than this. Get her out and get a divorce.
But I have made my share of mistakes...believe me!
The good things that I am seeing right now is that she gave me all of her passwords to her emails and facebook. She deleted her facebook account as well as some of the email accounts. She is going to go to counselling with me and even suggested a Christian counselor at a local church. She also wants to get baptized.
I know the Lord is looking out for us both and is really working to hold our marriage together. That is what keeps me here. But after 2 weeks I am still a wreck. One minute I am fine and the next - thousands of images and question flood my mind.
What can/should I ask her? Will I ever trust her again? I do not want to change the person the Lord is making of me...or anyone else for that matter. And I am not in the business of keeping anyone who does not want to be kept. I guess it just takes time to heal a broken heart and the image that I had of her.
Using this logic, wouldn't he have PREVENTED the affairs.
Base your decisions on what makes sense, not what You think the Lord would want.