Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Long story short. After 6 months of husband (of 32 years) being away off and on, (chose to leave as depressed with our life together) one interval when I joined him to try to set up a new life (lasted 10 days due to job falling through), last month with him on his own and was to return for us to move elsewhere and start over. Situation at present location is bad for both of us....we need to leave.....I thought together......now he is going on his own.
Some days he says he wants to recapture the joy we had. Others he needs to be on his own to straighten himself out and we should separate or divorce. I know of his past on line indiscretions.....he has stopped it for the last month and a half, got rid of old cell phone, says doesn't want to do that anymore.
Here's the crunch....job he is fighting with himself about whether to go or not ....very lucrative.....was hired by a woman he met and flirted with. I advised him to write her and say we were still together and trying to work on things so there would be no" what I know she had planned." He wrote it, I read it.....not sent. Now says he has to tell her personally and he's a big boy and can say "no" to her if he wants to.
I of course am going insane. Maybe there already.
He said he would contact me "on our anniversary" or come get me then, or maybe he won't come at all.
I see this for what it is and know I have no control over what he does.
What does one do to survive this on a moment to moment basis?
I can't get it into my head that I need to give up. Well, yes I can....but why can I not let go and have some self respect?
He is leaving in 2 days and all I can focus on is my total destruction when he does.
I can't even truly hope for any hope, as when he is gone I fear he will forget all about me and us and embrace his new life.
Thoughts on this please. How do I go on breathing?
(Sorry if this should be in the "Ask for advise" section.....I thought to change it to there but don't know how.
Some days he says he wants to recapture the joy we had. Others he needs to be on his own to straighten himself out and we should separate or divorce. I know of his past on line indiscretions.....he has stopped it for the last month and a half, got rid of old cell phone, says doesn't want to do that anymore.
Here's the crunch....job he is fighting with himself about whether to go or not ....very lucrative.....was hired by a woman he met and flirted with. I advised him to write her and say we were still together and trying to work on things so there would be no" what I know she had planned." He wrote it, I read it.....not sent. Now says he has to tell her personally and he's a big boy and can say "no" to her if he wants to.
I of course am going insane. Maybe there already.
He said he would contact me "on our anniversary" or come get me then, or maybe he won't come at all.
I see this for what it is and know I have no control over what he does.
What does one do to survive this on a moment to moment basis?
I can't get it into my head that I need to give up. Well, yes I can....but why can I not let go and have some self respect?
He is leaving in 2 days and all I can focus on is my total destruction when he does.
I can't even truly hope for any hope, as when he is gone I fear he will forget all about me and us and embrace his new life.
Thoughts on this please. How do I go on breathing?
(Sorry if this should be in the "Ask for advise" section.....I thought to change it to there but don't know how.
Right now the hardest thing for me is the fact that he slept with her without telling me right away. That to me would have shown some sort of shame or being sorry for it. When he told me I went into shock and didn't react. Then he said "no we didn't have sex we just kissed, how could you think I would do that?" Then this morning he casually said the "it was just sex" bit. I almost let it all go right then and there. Maybe I should have but I was side swiped by his writing then calling her right in front of me. I so wanted to yell out to her "did you know he lied to you about being separated?" But it probably wouldn't have made a difference to her really, as she said she didn't mind being looked at as the "other woman". Get this.....she's divorced because her husband cheated on her. I don't understand people anymore.
Anyways I'll just keep on being as calm as I can and try not to focus on the BS that gets spewed here and there. I'm not sure if I really want to live like this, but it's my last shot at it. I'm getting way too old to maintain the energy levels required to get through this.
Thanks so much for keeping in touch. I read SI first thing every morning and last thing at night (plus a kazillion times during the day when it's a bad one). As we all know, it keeps us grounded and we don't feel so alone in all of this.
Have you gotten the book "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? It was a life-saver for me and helped me wrap my head around what was happening.
Sending support your way ...
It's all part of the process of rebuilding if that's where you want to go - and just because you go down the rebuilding path now doesn't mean you can't change your mind later.
Enjoy it! :)
And don't feel bad about going away with him - this is your marriage and you have every right to reclaim what's yours. I did it so I could say i did my part to try to fix it, and then could leave on my own terms later if i so chose. Rebuilding isn't saying that all is forgiven or even a commitment to staying forever - its just saying you aren't ready to leave right now. And that's perfectly ok, especially if you've been married for 32 years.
Let him try to make amends - you so deserve it. It's not locking you into anything, but at least he's trying. So many BS have CS who walk away and never try to do anything to make it better.
Right now, if your CS is like most of the others, he's starting to realize what' he's done and is worried about what the consequences will be. You can reassure him that you don't have plans to leave anytime soon (which is probably true) and will work to rebuild the marriage if that's what he wants to do. But it will only be if he has no contact with OW.
When we were at this point I remember having a fairly open conversation with H and taking partial responsibility for the disconnect we had experienced in the time before the A. Note: I NEVER took responsibility for the actual affair because that was entirely on him, but the state of the marriage was partially mine to own. I think you have to give them a little something to show that you realize there was a problem in the relationship (if that is true) so they aren't painted in a corner. It also gives you a joint project because its your marriage and you have to work together to fix it.
Don't be surprised if you have to take the reigns on this a little more than he does. They do the crime but can't seem to figure out how to dig themselves back out without some help. Maybe its their poor coping skills that take them down this path to begin with. i don't know. But it sure seems like CS consistently have some major issues in this area.
The "NOT Just Friends" book will tell you why all of this happened and how to deal with it - can't recommend this book highly enough, especially for the stage where you are. If you can afford to download an e-version I'd totally do it. You can download free Kindle software to read it on your computer:
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1373594115&sr=8-1&keywords=NOT+just+friends
I will try to set aside enough to get that download. It sounds like it is very important for me to read. Even in conversations now I have so many questions but get angry even thinking of asking them. It would help to get a good understanding of it all without having to go into "specifics" with my h, all the time. Kind of like a "shield" from the pain of the direct answers to our specific situation.
He'll need your help to figure it all out.
Something that helped me get perspective was to read up on the stages of marriage. I guess some people are blissfully married from beginning to end, but most of us have to go through one of these life-changing events to get to the marriage we really want.
Here's one link but there are thousands out there:
http://www.rocksolidmarriages.com/the-5-stages-of-marriage.html
It sucks that we have to go through this, but maybe its the predictable course of things. And many, many people go on to better things if they address the issues and figure out how to get things back on track.
Hang in there! This is probably one of the worst things you'll ever have to go through but you are handling it beautifully. Proud of you!
He does not understand why he can't just be friends with women without wanting to sleep with them. I suggested it's in the "self control" category and he assured me he has controlled himself many times over the years. I believe it as women love to be around him (he's a real charmer when he turns it on) and I've seen many instances where they have made their intentions clear.
I don't know how this will all turn out. I have a little hope and a lot of fear. I'll have to work on letting that go somewhat or it will drive a wedge even if it is meant to go well.
He is treating me much better now, and I have to admit it's nice to hear "sweetheart" again. But I don't hear the "I love you's" very often.....think he may be afraid too. Mind you I'm not saying it either (self preservation mentally on my part still trying to keep some "disconnect"). Don't know how or if I should start to let that go. I'm scared to. But part of me says to just be me and love him like I always would and place all this behind me a few steps. Confused!!!!!!!!!
It's nice to hear you're proud of me.....that's not a word I use to myself as a rule. Sometimes I just think I'm a totally crazy old coot of a woman headed for disaster once again!!!!! I guess I'll try to let him "make amends" as you suggested, and try to accept the nice times a little more openly.