Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Long story short. After 6 months of husband (of 32 years) being away off and on, (chose to leave as depressed with our life together) one interval when I joined him to try to set up a new life (lasted 10 days due to job falling through), last month with him on his own and was to return for us to move elsewhere and start over. Situation at present location is bad for both of us....we need to leave.....I thought together......now he is going on his own.
Some days he says he wants to recapture the joy we had. Others he needs to be on his own to straighten himself out and we should separate or divorce. I know of his past on line indiscretions.....he has stopped it for the last month and a half, got rid of old cell phone, says doesn't want to do that anymore.
Here's the crunch....job he is fighting with himself about whether to go or not ....very lucrative.....was hired by a woman he met and flirted with. I advised him to write her and say we were still together and trying to work on things so there would be no" what I know she had planned." He wrote it, I read it.....not sent. Now says he has to tell her personally and he's a big boy and can say "no" to her if he wants to.
I of course am going insane. Maybe there already.
He said he would contact me "on our anniversary" or come get me then, or maybe he won't come at all.
I see this for what it is and know I have no control over what he does.
What does one do to survive this on a moment to moment basis?
I can't get it into my head that I need to give up. Well, yes I can....but why can I not let go and have some self respect?
He is leaving in 2 days and all I can focus on is my total destruction when he does.
I can't even truly hope for any hope, as when he is gone I fear he will forget all about me and us and embrace his new life.
Thoughts on this please. How do I go on breathing?
(Sorry if this should be in the "Ask for advise" section.....I thought to change it to there but don't know how.
Some days he says he wants to recapture the joy we had. Others he needs to be on his own to straighten himself out and we should separate or divorce. I know of his past on line indiscretions.....he has stopped it for the last month and a half, got rid of old cell phone, says doesn't want to do that anymore.
Here's the crunch....job he is fighting with himself about whether to go or not ....very lucrative.....was hired by a woman he met and flirted with. I advised him to write her and say we were still together and trying to work on things so there would be no" what I know she had planned." He wrote it, I read it.....not sent. Now says he has to tell her personally and he's a big boy and can say "no" to her if he wants to.
I of course am going insane. Maybe there already.
He said he would contact me "on our anniversary" or come get me then, or maybe he won't come at all.
I see this for what it is and know I have no control over what he does.
What does one do to survive this on a moment to moment basis?
I can't get it into my head that I need to give up. Well, yes I can....but why can I not let go and have some self respect?
He is leaving in 2 days and all I can focus on is my total destruction when he does.
I can't even truly hope for any hope, as when he is gone I fear he will forget all about me and us and embrace his new life.
Thoughts on this please. How do I go on breathing?
(Sorry if this should be in the "Ask for advise" section.....I thought to change it to there but don't know how.
Hang in there! I'll be around on Friday and will check in on you. .
I must find something other than "being a mother" or "a good housekeeper" to value myself on. It will take some soul searching to find out what those things are. A journey I must set out on soon.
Thank you for being able to be around on Friday. I'll probably be very upset and "blubbering" I have to warn you! But now I have the security of having someone to vent to and for some TLC. (I know that sounds shameless but I will truly need it!) Take Care
He met her one week before he returned here from his job. One week to turn his life around and plan "his" future. He wanted to do it to see "IF" he missed me!!! What were the odds of that happening? One week to toss away me and any feelings of regret or responsibility. One week to be so smitten by a vampish 51 year old that I don't matter in his life. One week in which he told me he was coming back home so that we could plan our "move away" and set up our future together. One week to throw away contact from his kids forever (according to them if he leaves me).
I don't cry in front of him. (It makes him very angry). But he blames me for the downfall of his new life plan. I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!! I didn't even know about it!!. He says I "dug around" until I found out about it and ruined it. There is no remorse or even caring for what this is doing to ME!!! I'm just a pesty little nusance in his life.
He'll probably still go. He's pretty well cut himself off from me when it comes to any sort of "friendly" interaction. I'm so strong.......why do I want him to put his arms around me and just hold me?????? I shouldn't want that. But he was always the one who would hold me and let me cry when I was really upset, and I can't ask for that now. He said at one point he was even thinking of taking me along to stay in the beautiful cabin he rented on the beach. But then..."it would upset "HER" too much to have me there." How can a man's loyalties change so drastically in such a short time?? Once again I feel devastated realizing how quickly this horrendous nightmare was formed with all its details in place. I wish he had put as much heart and energy into planning for "us". But then...that's not where his heart is anymore.
My mom died in January when he first left to find work "elsewhere". She was very worried for us but of course I assured her it would be a great opportunity for us to settle somewhere new and create a happier life together. I'm so glad she isn't here to see this happening. But I'm sure she knew it wasn't going to end well. Mom's always know don't they? I miss her.
I now tend to agree that these messes are due to "choices made". Even he said that to me when I tried to convince him to see a doctor for his depressive bi-polar tendencies. I drive myself crazy trying to pinpoint just 'when' our lives started to fall apart. Living with our sons for over 2 years when it was supposed to be for a 3 month transition period between jobs has taken an almighty toll on us all. (Made possible by my H's not working due to depression. I couldn't earn enough to support us both in a new home, and he ,once again, wouldn't go to the doctor so he could at least get a medical form to apply for financial assistance). Now, without him working again......in reality I have no hope for monetary help from a D. He is very skilled at "disappearing" with no known address into the bush. Funny how the best married years of our life were spent living in the wilds.
He sneers and poo-poos the idea that he would ever have money to help support me. The most he has ever said (long ago it seems when he was in a "nicer" period), was that "do you really think I wouldn't help you out??? I would always send you what I could when I could send it!!!" Blah-blah-blah. Yeah.....what would be left over after the dating and sex toys. Sorry to be explicit but from her info. she likes drinking wine followed by games and toys in the bedroom. I can't tell you how much I want to expose her for who she really is. She has a very important public image and I think it would be great fun to write a few letters to the "organizations" she is the CEO of so that they would have something interesting to chat about at coffee break. (Very low of me...but I admit the scenario in my mind feels very satisfying).
H. has segregated self from sons in the house. Both privately asked me "what's up with dad? He's sooo angry about something". I asked them to just let him be for now and carry on with their lives.
I guess I will see "his" reaction when "she" finally contacts him as to where the h*** he is. From what I know of her she will NOT take it well if he doesn't show up to service her needs. Maybe I'll get to watch HIS carnage for a change instead of living through mine. Oh who am I fooling? He'll end up crawling to her like a whipped puppy. Wow...what does she have to make men grovel over her and leave their m for some fun time in the sac? Guess it's the same question we all ask here in SI at one time or another.
I only hope that some day I will feel "normal" again. You know....enjoying the breeze, reading a good book, not feeling so lonely, being able to talk with people in general conversations and when they ask about "him" not getting a tight throat and having the tears fall no matter how hard I try not to. I guess that's MY future plan. Not nearly as exciting as his but much more fulfilling.
Yes, the "cost to everyone" of this choice of his will be felt forever. Sadly, I think he will get over it as soon as he hits the highway to his dreams.
You would have liked my H. years ago. He really was a warm, friendly and giving man. I'm sorry he disappeared.
(Such long writings I'm afraid...but it does do good to write it all out)
In the meantime, do what' you've been doing - stay strong and disconnected for now. My H used me as an excuse for ending things with the OW, but he later said he was so relieved to have a reason to end it. These guys are people-pleasers and hate to disappoint.
Once the secret has been discovered its not has fun, and they start to snap out of it.
Let this play out - sounds like it may be tipping in your favor if you stay calm. If you freak out and get all emotional then he'll have a reason to leave. The calmer you are, the more he has to deal with his own feelings and issues and the more out of control this will all feel for him.
Same with the OW - the calmer you are, the more demanding she'll get.
Hang in there - you've got this!
He woke me in the morning and asked me to come inside. He had written her a letter asking if he brought me along to their little hide-away (as I wanted to reconcile) if she would still employ him knowing the facts. (What the he**???) I told him NO I was not interested in being on display to her or having her flaunt herself in front of him while he worked. He had to say "WE" were planning to work on our marriage so he would NOT be coming period. His letter was all flowery as to how wonderful she was and how much he had looked forward to their summer together. BULL****!!!!!!!
He said "fine"......you write to her telling her how you feel!!!" So I did. I didn't mince words and let it all out including a mildly disguised warning about reputations being tarnished in legal circles if this carried on. Didn't send it but he read it.....got kinda freaked and said "it wasn't her fault I started it!!" I said "don't you dare defend her to me!!! He grabbed the phone and called her right in front of me. He explained we wanted to try to reconcile and that it probably wasn't a good idea for us to come there, but did he still have a job?.....UNBELIEVABLE !!!!!!!!!! He put it on speakerphone so I heard it all......her saying "oh well I understand....it is what it is. But if you came here and we ran into each other we could say Hello but that would be it. And no...I'll be looking for another contractor. I wouldn't mind being viewed as "the other woman" but your wife probably wouldn't be comfortable around me" What a genius!!
He then deleted all phone numbers off his cell and handed it to me to throw away. He then deleted all e mail addresses off his account and closed it. He then said "OK...let's work on this marriage but I still have a lot of problems!!!" Yeah I hear ya buddy.
Soooo.....I'm just in shock about the whole thing not to mention the sleeping with her part.
Wait...he just left with some parts to sell......please dear God don't let it be for him to leave.......after this brief cloud opening which I haven't even gotten used to dealing with.
What do I do now??????? Advice please!!!!!
H. doesn't know if we'll find happiness and can't say he won't want to sleep with another woman somewhere down the line. To top it off I'm seething about him having slept with her and only admitting it today. I want to have some sort of positive attitude towards trying to be together, but unless he does some work on himself, he'll just remain the same or worse. His excuse "you don't know how many times I've turned down offers to sleep with women in this town alone, so I set my boundaries too!!" My hero. He is perplexed by why he can't just be friends with women he likes, as he always wants to sleep with them. No chance that I can see that he'll get IC about that. Wish he would.
You've got this - he's second guessing himself all over the place. Right now he's probably calculating the odds of you really forgiving him and being able to work things out. And then he's calculating the odds of things working out with her. He wants some assurance that he won't be left alone and will go with whatever seems the best bet.
So for right now your only job is to reclaim your territory. There will be plenty of time later to kick his sorry ass in counseling, but for now you need to remain calm and don't act angry or too happy. No big movements.
The calmer you are, the more in control of this situation you will be. He tried the having his cake and eating it too routine - good for you for rejecting that from the beginning. Then he will try to figure out how to end things with her but remain friends (he wants to look like the good guy). Hold firm on that too - no contact with OW from this point forward if he wants to try to repair this. It's the price of admission and you can't waiver on this for any reason. She'll most likely try to contact him in the near future so be prepared - he needs to tell you if she calls and needs to tell her to quit. If he can't do it then you do it from his phone but let him know what's happening.
It will take a few weeks from him to get out of this fog - be patient but firm because there's really nothing you can do to start rebuilding until his head is clearer.
Change your routine a little so you're coming and going at different times. Not all the time - but just enough so he thinks you are taking control of your life with or without him and are prepared to do it on your own if he can't get it together. (Don't tell him that, but keep him slightly off-balance).
Come here and let it out all you want - he's lost his freaking mind and we just have to wait for him to settle down enough to start working on things.
You're doing great!!!
For instance, on Dday H said something to the effect that I've always been jealous of the women he works with. And then I calmly replied "We both know that's not true."
Then he said that he assumed I was already having an affair. And I calmly replied "I've never cheated on you."
There were some other doozies - just keep calmly stating the truth when this stuff comes up. I don't know if they really believe this stuff or are just grasping at straws to get out of hot water but it's so ridiculously predictable that you almost have to laugh at what comes out of their mouth.
Guess its a detox of all the crazy that's swirling in their system.