arrabella, I feel what you are feeling. That is very sad that it seems as if we will never be as happy as we were with the CS. :-( I can relate with you when you stated that there are times where you think they got it and then they open their mouths and you know they don't. I feel a lot of times that they will never get it. So where do we go from there? However, I do believe that we all deserve to be happy no matter what. I am determined to get back to my happiness. I am not sure how but I am not giving up on it. I was a fun and full of life person before the affair and I want that back!!!

I wish you the strength and courage to know that you deserve to be happy. Hang in there. :-)

I encourage you, stay married. God can work with you both and heal those wounds inside you both. Divorce is not the answer to anyone's problems, it is like suicide, it fixes one problem by causing a thousand others. There is nothing more devastating (short of losing a child) that is as damaging as divorce. If you love your family, if part of you still loves your husband, if you love yourself, if you love God, stay true to your vows. People often think of marriage as something that is primarily uplifting and fulfilling. In my experience, marriage has plenty of devastating moments and rough times as well. The think that makes it truly worth while is the process of learning to love and be loved in return. Love is not just a feeling, it is a conscious choice and sometimes its tge hardest choice you will ever make. I pray that you can find courage in your heart and hope to rebuild your relationship with your husband. You are both in my prayers.

I forgot to mention... I am divorced. It has ruined all three of our lives (myself, my wife and our 6yr old daughter,) and our families no longer speak even though they were once very close. Truly, nothing I have ever endured has been as gut wrenching and agonizing as divorce. The people who are pro-divorce are lying to you. Many of them are desperate to find ways to cope with all the pent up anger and bitterness that they hide. They come on here and justify their choices by encouraging others to join them in their wrong doing. Please do not listen to them. They do not truly care about the happiness or health of you or your husband.

I think to stay in a marriage after infidelity the cheater has to do all the work rebuilding trust. They need to let you grieve for as long as it takes. They need to lead with humility.

As the betrayed spouse you have to eat a giant shit sandwich. You have to live with the fact that you will never trust them again yet you have to trust them or you won't be able to have true intimacy.

I did the hard work for 3.5 years. My spouse did nothing but treat me like I was lucky he "chose" me over the other woman. From the outside looking in, it appeared to those who knew what happened that I was the one doing the cheating.

I divorced him in January and it was final in May. I don't advocate divorce because this has been hard too but for different reasons. I don't regret it at all but it can be lonely. Our children are grown so I don't have to deal with the fall out of shuffling them between two different places but I was with my ex for 27 years and that's a long time.

Life is way too short. Your husband detonated a bomb over your marriage and he's not doing what you need him to do to feel safe. You have to do what makes you feel safe and happy.

Good luck to you and check out my journey:
http://thevarmps.tumblr.com/

In response to pheonixon... I am NOT lying to you. I stayed for 25 years and was NEVER happy after the first affair, no matter what I tried. I found it impossible to trust, to feel good being touched, to get rid of the mental images. My CS NEVER did what he needed to do in order to repair our relationship. He continued to have affairs. I am now living on my own with my daughter, and in 3 days (God willing) the judge will sign our divorce decree. I am happier in the past four months on my own than I was in those 25 years, and that is the absolute truth. I cannot even begin to express the relief and happiness that came from separating myself from the lies, the betrayal, the constant suspicion.

There is not a single answer that will work for everyone. Some who stay together find a way to make it work and be happy. Some who divorce are happy. It is all about you, your spouse, and how you each deal individually and together. I hope whatever decision you made works for you and that you find happiness and peace.

Phoenix....you are wrong...

I am pro divorce for ME. I know what kind of person I am and what my limitations are. What was gut wrenching was finding out the person that I loved, believed was my 'the one', the person I thought I would grow old with until one of us died, my best friend etc had cheated on me!

When I believed that they were 'just friends' he could've stopped it there and I would have been none the wiser but he just could not give her up. Then when I did find out about the affair he STILL carried on with it even tho he was crying and begging me to give him another chance. He stabbed me in the back when I wasn't looking and then stabbed me in the front right thro my heart and carried on doing so even when I was down!

To remain with him would have made me insane. I would worry myself sick imagining different scenarios in my head wondering where he was when we were apart, wondering if he was with her at work and then when his phone goes off I'll be wondering as well. All trust completely gone! I cannot live like that.

When I was under the belief that they were 'just friends' I had lost my appetite n had basically stopped eating n I can eat loads! (My friends call me Miss Piggy n Human Dustbin!) I was only eating a small portion of salad everyday around 300-500 calories and i was only eating that because I knew I had to eat something. My weight had plummeted in a very short space of time. I was crying every day n this is from someone who rarely cries.

Making the choice is hard, yes. Divorce for me is the right decision. Not necessarily so for everyone but the grass isn't always greener on the other side. So even if you had stayed, Phoenix, who's to say that you would've been happy or happier than what you are now?

Only the person making that decision knows what is their final straw is n where to draw the line. Yes I am still angry about it, and maybe perhaps bitter (not sure). But only towards my ex. I do not take these feelings towards others. I am not encouraging anybody to divorce...merely just sharing my experience/feelings n I thought this is what this site is about.

I believe if it's meant to be, it's meant to be n clearly my husband n I wasn't meant to be. I do not sit at home and dwell on it. Life goes on and I am trying to enjoy it the best I can.

Yes I do still think about my husband every once in a while, but that's natural as he was a big part of my life. I will never forget him nor will I ever stop loving the person that I fell in love with. Even as I type this now, the tears are starting to flow and it hasn't flowed for awhile now. :-(

It is hard but time does make it easier. Only you know what is right or wrong for you. I'm sorry....I'm starting to waffle so I'll stop now. lol

Good luck.

There is no "better" once infidelity comes into picture.

From my experience I believe that divorce is easier. It might be technically and logistically harder if there are children and finances involved, but emotionally easier on a BS.

Staying on the other hand - hard hard hard. Even if ultimately rebuilding is successful, there is always a question - have I reached the "ultimately" already?

It was much easier for me to become "happy again" after the divorce than after staying. I don't advocate either way. It has to be your decision based on long list of nuances known only to you. There is sadly no guarantee either way.

Wow, I greatly appreciate everyone's responses to my question. It definitely gives me various ways of looking at it. I do not feel that anyone was wrong in their responses. It appears that everyone is speaking from their experiences and beliefs and I appreciate everyone's feedback. It helps me a lot. :-)

I normally work very hard at anything to make things work. I follow the motto "if there is a will there is a way". However, when it comes to relationships that are not working out I am the one who calls it quits. I never wanted to waste my time with someone that I did not see a future with. When dating I would end the relationship the majority of the time. My friends would always refer to me as being too picky. However, I feel that you should be picky when selecting an intimate partner. I should have been picky when dating my husband.

I dated my husband when we were teenagers. He cheated on me back then and I broke up with him. Later I got back with him and he cheated again. I broke up with him again and many years went by and I got back with him the 3rd time and married him. I was his second wife. He cheated on his first wife (no surprise). However, silly me thought because so many years went by and he went through a horrible marriage, that this time it would be different. He described his first wife as being "mean and nasty". He made me feel like I was "the one". (This hurts the hardest to find out that you are not "the one") He made me feel like I was the special one that he had been longing to be back with and it would be different this time around because he had been through so much. He would say that he could not live without me.

Well, when he finally admitted to the affair he described me in the same way as he did his first wife, "mean and nasty" and that was his reason for having the affair.

There is a pattern in the responses with that the ultimate decision has to be mine. I am the one who will have to live with the outcome of my decision that will be in my best interest. This is so true but so difficult to actually do. It is a lot easier to have people tell you what to do so you do not have to think for yourself. However, it is not worth anything unless you make your own choices. Your biggest rewards in life are results of the hard work that you put into it and the most difficult decisions that you make.

One note often missed on this subject is that when a person has sex with someone other than their spouse, they are in reality divorcing their spouse and marrying the AP. Not legally, obviously, but they are sexually bonding with another than their spouse.

So the question isn't whether to divorce or not in such a situation, but whether the legal reality should be adjusted to match the relational reality, or can the relational reality be brought back in line with the legal reality.

But divorce has already happened by the CS's actions. Due to hardness of hearts, sometimes the BS is left with little option than to make the divorce legal as well.

As Jay said, it is a matter of choosing the least of all evils. None of the options are good. Each person has to evaluate their own situation and the risk they are willing to take whether they attempt reconciliation or divorce.

"For those of you that got a divorce, are you any happier?"

Oh my God. YES!!!! Just yes. Every one is different and every person and situation is not the same. What worked for me may not be right for you but here's the thing:

I tried really hard to make it work after infidelity and it didn't, you can't unring a bell and I couldn't unsee what I saw. He wasn't the man I thought he was and he never would be.

You only get one shot at this life, why live it everyday in pain? He wasn't going to change and I was dying a little inside everyday.

My kids are happy and healthy adults now. I'm a happy, healthy adult with great friends, new career opportunities and a new man that has opened up my world in ways I never thought possible .

Sometimes, things die and no amount of wishing and hoping will bring them back. I do still mourn for what could have been, but not so deeply as it prevents me from living my life. It was a path that I couldn't walk, that's all.

I have new paths to follow now. I smile all the time, I feel loved and cherished by the people in my world. I'm learning and growing everyday and I wake up excited.

OMG Cole50 that is exactly what I kept telling my husband about his affair. I told him that our marriage was over the day he touched that woman and he just does not get it. However, you explained it so much better than I could have ever explained it.

Thank you so much for posting those words of wisdom, "they are in reality divorcing their spouse and marrying the AP...they are sexually bonding with another than their spouse." That really helped me to feel a lot better and to know that I am not crazy in what I am feeling.

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!

It took me years and years (really) to finally stop trying to fix the unfixable and divorce that disturbed ex-wife of mine.

She basically did nothing to repair things.

It is on me for tolerating it or procrastinating.

I am much happier than when I was convincing myself we were reconciling.

@Phoenixonfire.... Did you get divorced because your wife cheated on you or because you had a bad marriage. I think a bad marriage can be fixed because in MOST cases the marriage is bad because of miscommunication, misunderstanding and therefore unmet needs. Anger can be fixed when communication is learned. In such a case there is still trust. Hurt can cause anger and anger can get fixed, but trust is a whole different ballgame. Once trust is lost there is a very slim chance that you can even get 50% of it back over a lifetime of marriage. God says in the bible the ONLY reason you may divorce is infidelity, because God knew the ramifications of that is basically not repairable. I have been following Cole's answers on here, as well as Anne Bercht, and yes they "successfully" rebuild, BUT they are not cured. You can "if you read very carefully their words, see that there is still hurt underlying in their answers. Maybe minimal, but they are not unscathed, however successful their rebuilding was and is. Being cheated on is a bit like being an alcoholic. ONCE an alcoholic, you will be FOREVER an alcoholic.... you might be a "recovering" alcoholic, and never touch a drink again, and you may even be happy, but you are still an alcoholic. A betrayed spouse is like that.... you can RELEARN to live and be happy, but you will forever suffer the consequinces of having been and will forever be a betrayed spouse, until the day you die, no matter how happy you are at the point where you die. You have been PERMANENTLY altered into a different human being, and can never change back. Just like a virgin.... a virgin can only be broken once. Betrayal only needs to happen ONCE in order to alter a human being permanently.

Also a side note which basically is common knowledge. Adding to my explanation of being altered. Before betrayal happens, it does not matter HOW bad your marriage is, and mine was pretty bloody bad at times, I ALWAYS trusted my husband to be true to me... ALWAYS, no matter how long we fought or how long we ignored each other. The fighting wasn't fun, but still being secure in the knowledge that whatever the problem is, it will pass. The person you are fighting with is the person you trust with your life. Yes, your life and your heart. Once betrayal has taken place that will never return, ever, ever, ever. Not even those who successfully rebuilt will have that completely healed, no matter how positive they tell you things are.

I agree with musclegirl that you are permanently marked as a BS. I am rebuilding and I think of the A as my chronic illness. I have symptoms, sometimes very bad symptoms, of the illness but it is chronic, not life threatening. I am learning to cope with my symptoms and have tried many remedies (counseling, reading, talking, etc). This is something I have decided to live with instead of taking a way out. My chronically damaged heart can be removed and a mechanical one put in, but right now I will take care of the damaged one and see if I can make it stronger and less likely to be broken in the future.