It is true that a BS never gets back the trust they had pre-dday. Not to the same level. Even for someone like me who has rebuilt successfully going on 4 years now (3 yrs, 4 mths). But this needs to be put in perspective.

1. Pre-dday, I thought Hell would freeze over before my wife would do anything like cheat on me. I trusted her so much that when she went to clean a single man's house, I never worried that she'd allow anything unbecoming to happen. It was a fully blind trust. Though I knew it was theoretically possible, practically I felt confident she'd never cheat. We loved each other too much, I thought.

Then Hell froze over. We all know the rest of the story. But my point is that my previous trust was unrealistic. Like too many, I thought it would never happen to us. We were unique. But it was all self-delusion.

Not just in our situation, but anyone who trusts their spouse that much is self-delusional. We are all human, and no one is immune from it happening if they let their guard down.

Because of that false trust, we didn't worry too much about crossing boundaries. Putting ourselves in risky situations didn't sound off warning bells. It was only a matter of time before one of us got burned.

So I'd say my trust level now is more realistic. I don't care who I might end up with should Gabi's and my relationship end, I would never trust anyone like I did pre-dday. Pre-marital counseling would do a couple a service to convince them that such trust is a fantasy and a danger to the relationship.

2. I'm still with Gabi because she did what needed doing to rebuild. She established enough trust that I felt comfortable being with her than gambling with a new person. Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. There is no way to know whether a potential mate will not cheat on you. It's a gamble to think I'll dump her and find someone who won't betray me. There is a good chance the next one will too, no matter how secure they make you feel. I felt secure with Gabi for 28 years, but that didn't mean anything in regards to whether she would cheat or not.

Now if Gabi hadn't done what she needed to do, I would have felt the risk of a repeat performance to be too high, and would have divorced. Not to find someone who I could trust, but to separate myself from a poisoned well. Self-preservation.

That's where everyone's situation is different. One BS feels the risk with the CS they know is better than with the unknown risk of a new person. Another realizes the situation isn't redeemable and cuts their losses, and hopes the next one will be better.

Some of the former group, like myself, will be happy with the outcome. Some of the latter group will end up in a better place as well. Likewise, we can find stories of either group who felt their route was the worst mistake.

It is true that the A changes you forever. Like any life-changing event. It becomes part of your history, part of your life narrative. It's not a happy one and free of pain anymore than me getting Parkinson's Disease, or a death in the family. Yes, it is a pain that will always exist.

I am not the same man I was 3.5 years ago. Some losses I lament, some changes made me a better man. Who knows the end of others.

But yes, I'm blessed enough to say I'm happy and thankful to still be married to Gabi. I still love her just as strongly as I did pre-dday, maybe even stronger. And that brings me a joy that circumstances can't provide or dull, nor pain dim.

Gotta disagree with the last post and no, I'm not sorry.

Trust is necessary for true intimacy and if you don't have the former, you can't ever have the latter.

When I met my ex, I didn't trust him "blindly" (I don't even know what that means) but he hadn't given me reason not to trust him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Over time we built trust in one another and I eventually trusted him with everything, including my life.

That trust was destroyed after he betrayed me and cheated on me with another woman. He might've been able to help rebuild that trust but he was unwilling to do any of the hard work. I always felt like he was hedging his bets and eventually I divorced him for that feeling. I never trusted him again.

I am dating again and I trust like I did in the beginning of the relationship with my ex. I don't flinch and I don't play the role of 'relationship police' at all and I'm completely comfortable with that. I don't find the need to 'check his phone' and I don't feel the need to check anything else. He has never done anything to make me believe I should do any of those things so I don't.

I'm not naive but I also don't believe that true intimacy can be achieved without trust and I want that again and that's what I've found.

I hate that the RIC tries to make the betrayed believe that dancing with the devil you know is better than the alternative. The devil we know/knew already showed us they were capable of cheating and past behavior is the BEST predictor of future behavior so that argument doesn't hold anything, including water.

Yes, people reconcile but you'll never convince me that one of the reasons to do it is because 'everyone' cheats...blah blah blah. That's crap! There are plenty of quality people out there that don't cheat and don't feel entitled, aren't passive aggressive and aren't narcissistic.

It's time we put an end to scare tactics and this is one of them.

http://thevarmps.tumblr.com/

Never,

In your situation I'd probably divorced too. That wasn't my point.

You don't divorce to find someone better. There is no guarantee you will, for one. You divorce because you don't feel you can trust your current spouse.

Thankfully, Gabi did what needed doing for me to trust her enough to reconcile. Because of that, it would have been a much bigger risk, in my opinion, to divorce her in hopes of snagging someone who wouldn't cheat on me.

In different circumstances, I might have said otherwise as you did in yours.

But the fact remains that there is no way to know any individual won't cheat on you. Even after 28 years of faithfulness. It is a risk we take in any relationship short of a crystal ball or time machine. The fact that over half of all marriages experience infidelity means it is a big risk. Most of those are with a spouse they thought they could trust.

It doesn't mean not trying. But if trust has been rebuilt, it isn't a matter of staying with the devil you know, but with the person you know. If I thought she was a devil, I wouldn't stay, and not to find someone new, but to not be an accomplice to sin.

Blind trust is believing it is next to impossible for your spouse to cheat. So you ignore warning signs. Red flags never make you think, "Hum, I wonder if she's having an affair?" The idea she'd do something like that didn't occur to me until I read her say it in her own words. I totally trusted her at times when most people would have been worried.

I agree, a relationship has to have trust to function. In the end, the decision to divorce or not depends upon whether the BS can rebuild that trust. But where is the cut off point?

So I trusted Gabi 99.99% pre-day. Today, lets say it is around 90%. This is an arbitrary number because I think it is hard to quantify, but let's say around 80%, I'd be on the divorce wagon.

After dday, my trust was in the tank. Well below divorce level. But I felt she was sincere in wanting to rebuild and I wanted to save it if we could, so I gave her time to do that. She did, and my trust in her went back up to where it is today.

In a brand new relationship I'd put forth some trust after a period of time, but I know it is untested trust. Assuming no red flags, before dday, I would have given them around 98% to 99%. Now, it would probably fall into the range of 85% to 95% depending on circumstances. We'll see if they can prove faithful for 28 years like Gabi did before they get anywhere near 100%.

The point isn't to apply numbers to it, but to illustrate what I'm saying. Your situation supports my point, You couldn't rebuild trust because he wasn't doing what it took to do that. Without that, even remarrying, the risk of being cheated on again is lower than staying with him.

I'm not saying anyone is wrong to divorce or wrong to hope and expect a new marriage will be better. Only that the decision to go one way or the other is predicated on what is the greater risk of trust being broken again.

In my situation, I have good reason to believe Gabi's affair was a one-time event, the only such event in 32 years of marriage. She and I have taken steps to address the issues and set firm boundaries.

However, unlike pre-dday, I don't think is is near impossible that it could happen again. If it does, it will be double hard to rebuild trust again. Not sure that I could.

And I would now feel that way with anyone. Not that I would feel a need to check the phone or email, etc. I don't do that now, though I could if I wanted to. But any red flags are going to get serious consideration and investigation from me, whether it was Gabi or anyone else. Instead of the possibility of an affair being the last thing I would consider, it is now one of the first if a red flag were to pop up. Instead of brushing it off like I did pre-dday with no thought an affair was behind it, I'd take it serious and take preemptive actions.

I think that level of trust is where all relationships should be. When you get to thinking and acting like you're immune, that's when it treads on dangerous ground. Walking on that thin ice has its consequences.

I am still working on my marriage, about 2 1/2 years after the affair.
I relate 100% to what Cole said here:

"Then Hell froze over. We all know the rest of the story. But my point is that my previous trust was unrealistic. Like too many, I thought it would never happen to us. We were unique. But it was all self-delusion."

I had the exact same feeling, except for me I explained it as my world turned upside down. I was very delusional to believe that cheating would never happen to me, and had very unrealistic expectations that my marriage would never have to deal with infidelity, but I was wrong.

I can say I am happy I stayed, even though I can't guarantee that we won't divorce some day.

We communicate a lot more now, we are open and honest about a lot of things we never were before and we have both grown tremendously through the recovery.

We've been married 12 years, high school sweet hearts, survived two Iraq deployments, severe depression, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from war, Traumatic Brain Injury, bankruptcy, etc. It seems every hardship meant to break a couple apart, has been sent our way. I wouldn't say we survived an affair, per say, because we are still working on it. We are also in the process of dealing with our first child, a baby girl due in December, that more than likely will be born stillborn or pass shortly after because of a condition with a very poor outlook.

If I could go back I would definitely do a lot of things differently. I would respect myself more and not allow myself to be treated the way I did. I thought I was loving my husband by staying, but I was giving him the best of both worlds, and creating my own personal hell. I should have been stronger, put my foot down, not let him return home and force him to stay with his mistress. I didn't, and I think the process and the healing has taken longer because of that.

I was very immature during that time in my life. I was 28 years old and very irrational. I cannot believe some of the fights we would have, or the ways I would react, which now seem so embarrassing. I know now to believe the actions, not the words. I know now to love myself enough to never allow someone to treat me that way ever again.

I guess what I am saying is I have grown and our marriage has grown so much from having to deal with the affair that we are both very different people than who we were before.

My husband will cry in our counseling sessions, our therapist is a marriage counselor but also specializes in PTSD. He cries about how he feels. He wishes he loved me the way I deserved, he wants that for me and our counselor says he has an abiding love for me- as in he cares about my well being, but that he may never love me like I want him to- as a husband would love me. He has seizures from night terrors, memories of the war haunt him constantly. He gets panic attacks when life gets too stressful and he is in a very hard time in his life of not knowing what comes next for him- what job, or what to go to school for, etc. His depression can be hard at times. We are best friends, I can say that much. We talk about everything, and he is very honest and open with me when the OW reaches out to bother him, despite the parameters he has put to block her- he has no phone, blocked her on Facebook, but she just uses her families Facebook to message him. Those days are the hardest, when her name is mentioned, and that trigger- brings all those feelings rushing back.

It makes me very insecure with his love for me and I miss that feeling of security that I once had, although it was unrealistic. I don't know if I will ever get that back. At least now, if we were to walk away, it will be as friends, cordial, and we can both say we tried everything we could to make this work.

I have learned that I am wonderful by myself, that I can be okay on my own, that I have my own life, I am an individual. I have learned to be okay without my husband, and before I didn't know that I could be. He may go on a road trip to hike his favorite mountain, or go see the aspen trees change color at Yellowstone (he loves nature/outdoors/adventure) and I still know he loves me. I know that when we are together we compliment each other in such a way that we are the best versions of our selfs that we can be. We encourage each other to accomplish our goals and our dreams.

I wish I could say I was over the affair but I'm not, it makes me fear rejection more so and it is very difficult for me to make a move which makes my husband feel unwanted, but we are working on those things.

He tells me he stays because he knows he will never find anyone else that loves him as much as I do, nor will he ever find anyone else who has the same connection that we do.

Personally, I don't think that is a good enough reason to stay.

For now, we take it a day at a time. It is painful for me to be reminded of the affair even more so now as I go through this up and down roller coaster of possibly losing my first child. I must admit I have seen a side of my husband I never thought I would. He spoils me, helps me to try and feel her move every day and is very respectful of my wishes for her delivery and her possible funeral arrangements. He has really been amazing through all of this most recent heart ache, and I think that perhaps it was at least in God's plans for us to have each other now during this hard time.

I really apologize for this novel, I just get going sometimes. But I wanted you to have a perspective of someone who stayed and who is happy with that decision, even if in the end the marriage may not last. I was true to myself, true to my heart, have grown so much and am better for that difficult journey despite the painful stumbles along the way.

-Becca

Oh beloved, I haven't seen you in a while. You stand out so much because of your determination to see this marriage through. You seemed so young and naive back then, and so wise and mature now. You truely have come a very long way.I'm so sorry that your child may not make it through birth. How incredibly difficult this must be. And the fact that your husband can be that best friend through all of this is a huge. Whatever happens you've seen your own strength and you can handle it.

I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.

Aww thanks Pink! I know, it is crazy how different things are now. I was very young and naive when the affair happened. I have grown so much, not to sound wimpy, but it was a real eye opener and I am in a much better place now too. My mom was the same way with my dad, I guess history repeats itself, but it was hard for her to leave because she didn't want to think she had failed at something. I think everyone has their own way. It has been an amazing journey and I'm glad I've made wonderful friends on here such as you! I'm hanging in there with the baby, it is fun to feel her move around like a mermaid, LOL, but hard to think she may not make it. I appreciate the prayers. :)