I can only speak on the divorce side. I chose divorce because as much as I would have wanted to stay together, I just knew things would never be the same again (there were also a lot of other things that he did besides cheat). I could never look at him the same again. Even now, a year later, I miss being married and it still hurts that it's over. But I honestly cannot imagine having to be intimate with him after knowing the truth. As far as being happier...yes and no. I am happier than I was the last two years of our marriage because I no longer have to be let down and disrespected. I am now with someone who treats me better. I do often still feel sad though, because I think of the good memories we had in the very beginning of our relationship and I hate having to have our daughter go back and forth between us. Ultimately, I think I did what was best for me. If I had stayed, I probably would have gone crazy...lol

I think you answer your own question in paragraph two.

Things were never the same after my husband's first affair. I could not make myself like him no matter how hard I tried. I never trusted him again and sex was awful whenever attempted. I thought I'd get over it with time, but it got worse and He continued to stray. Whether it was my behavior that pushed him away I don't know and don't really care. It was his initial infidelity that started the unravelling of our union.

Now we are in divorce. My final hearing is in two and a half weeks, and I am actually looking forward to that day!

I divorced after 13 yrs of living with a liar. At the end, I was a little sad, but I got over it quickly because I had no respect or real romantic feelings left at all for him. I am so much happier now. Honestly, I can't imagine that I was married to this person. If you have no feelings for him, what's stopping you? I'm not a divorce advocate, but sometimes you can get sick staying stuck in a place you hate being, with a person who adds no joy to your life. I'm not sure, but it sounds like you are the one doing all the work on your relationship..is he doing anything? I think since he was unfaithful, it's up to him to show his desire for the marriage to become whole again. Even with two people who want it, the lack of trust might still destroy what was once great.

I don't regret leaving, at all...but that's just me.

I chose to divorce my husband....

I found out in sept last year...a week before our trip away. He ended up cancelling the trip and used the time to move out whilst I went away on my own anyways. I was away for 4 weeks. Whilst away I had to consider what to do. A large chunk said divorce him....whilst a small, very small part of me was considering giving him a second chance. I knew however I could not make a final decision until I saw him again after my holiday.

When i got back he wasn't really remorseful and was just worried about how much freedom he would end up losing. I had already told him I had the divorce papers and was starting to fill it out. He eventually started crying, begging, apologising for forgiveness etc and about a month after I got back from my trip was when I sent off the divorce papers and started proceedings.

I had started out filling out the paper bit my bit...I knew once I got to the end of it, that would be it, I was ready to divorce him. Well it didn't take me that long to make a decision and really helped that he was a real prick about it. So as far as I'm concerned I made the right decision.

I know what I'm like and I don't think I would ever be happy knowing that he cheated on me so realistically our lives together would never be the same nor would I had been 100% happy. I would've driven myself crazy constantly wondering what he was up to when he wasn't with me and that's not the way I want to live.

The divorce is now finalised since mid march this year.

Am I happy?

Hmmm.....I would say I believe that if I stayed with him I would not be as happy as I am now. I would be stressing. I am as happy as I can be considering the circumstances. I am trying to enjoy my life as it is. I go out with my friends regularly and enjoy it very much. I am now on an online dating website and enjoy the chatting aspect of it all. I am also ready to embark on a new relationship if i meet the right person that I can connect with.

So overall, I don't regret my decision to divorce and am doing ok. Ive also been one of those persons that says that if a guy cheats on me then he's out the door. When I was actually faced with that reality, I hated the fact that I had to eat my words and re-consider taking him back. (even though it was only a small part)...

The way I see it, even if in 10 years time I am still lonely and single, I think I'd rather be that than to live in a marriage where I have lost compete trust and would just constantly stress and age myself wondering what he is up to.

I am ok..... I do have my moments of sadness when I remember the person I fell in love with...but what's done is done. Nothing can change and I do not want to live with a lying cheater.

Good luck in your decision making process. Only you know yourself where to draw the line...

I sincerely wanted to reconcile but my wife chose divorce, intially she told me she was unhapppy and thd that i was the reason but would not agree to counseling, thne I stumbled onto her affair and we went to counseling, she wouldn't acknowledge her affiar, that was part of her agreement to go to conseling, we went 4 times, she then pulled the plug.
I have to admit that i went to pieces at the "im not happy" and crumbled at the affair, so maybe she didn't have what it took to deal with that,
since being at this site, i realize how hard it would have been for me to ever trust her, how can you love someone that you can't trust?
i still believe that we could heve recocnlied but she would have had to been all in, full disclosure, and accept that she should have to earn the expectation of trust, that doesn't mean that id be crawling up her butt, with who, what when where why and how but offer up im going here then there and i ll be back then ------ and actually do it,

I do think it is different for every BS. I understand the no more get out and the i love him/her enough to want to try

Nomorlies uses the phrase "no remorse" , i think genuine remorse inside a cheater over what thyey have done through their betrayal plays a large part on if saving a marriage works, no remorse is almost no chance,
that being said, i don't think mine would have been salvageable, there is no remorse inside my stbx, so maybe I m better off not wasting anymore year5s on her

Happiness isn't something conditioned on who's in your life, it's an inside job. The issue I see isn't that you are not happy, Is more that you said you "don't like this man and you are not in love with him" After that statement I don't know what would the question be. You should get a divorce. There is no point in being with someone we don't like or love. As far as can people even say if they are happier after a divorce? - To me that is a silly question. I am a happy person simply because I want to be. Simply because I am realistic and a roll with the punches and I have the courage to change things I do not like or feel that they are in my best interest. I simply seek PEACE. Happiness is something that can vary from one minute to the next.

Good luck.

at first we tried to reconcile. but ultimately he was not willing to change anything about his life, he thought i should be "over it" within 3 months of Dday.

so we have been separated since late March. I am pursuing divorce. and yes it is hard. i have good days and bad days. but i KNOW i am happier now, knowing i can move on, knowing i don't have to ever wonder what he's doing, policing his actions, living with someone who betrayed me and makes me feel psychologically unsafe, etc.

it would be hard either way. it was hard when we were trying to rebuild, and it is hard now, but i feel like now it is an "easier" form of hard, if that makes sense? I'm a nurse, so i describe it as: i have to take medicine, i have no choice, and they both taste really bad. so i'd like the one that tastes less bad, the one with fewer does of bad, etc. in fact, i'd usually rather get the painful injection than take the bad tasting medicine. i think it all depends on the circumstances around the affair, and most importantly, what the CS does to try to rebuild. mine was never going to put in the effort, so i know i'm better off pursuing divorce. he's still out acting a fool and being super self destructive, my baby and I don't need any of that in our lives.

Thank you everyone for your responses. I enjoyed reading all of them. I found it interesting that there were no responses from those who stayed in the marriage.

The reason I pondered over the dilemma of divorce or stay is because a few stories that I have heard as to why people stayed and some that divorced both seem to be unhappy. There didn't seem to be a middle ground with anybody. OWN use to have a program called "Betrayal" and it highlighted couples that remained married after an affair in their marriage. In most of the stories no matter how long time had past, like at least 10 - 20 years later, the BS was still hurt and crying over the affair. I have met people who have divorced because of an affair and now are wishing they would have stayed to work it out so that they had somebody in their life.

What I find extremely sad with those that I have talked to you about trying to get past an affair, is that they are still living with the pain. They all cry at the first moment when mentioning it. To me that just sucks BIG time. I don't want that to be my life. I do not like being sad but it feels almost impossible to avoid.

Once again, thank you for responding. I appreciate your honesty and sharing your story. I wish you all the best and I look forward to future posts. :-)

TotallyDone, I stayed but this is not a success story as I am preparing to divorce her. The only things I can tell you about me staying is I wish I never did. I have been married now going on 16 1/2 years and been with her for over 21 years and the only thing I have learned is just how good of a liar my wife is, was, will be. She has changed what she was doing but she has never changed who she is. I have been abused for way to long and the only thing I am waiting for is for my youngest to start driving and that is coming soon and plan on serving her at the end of the year.

As far as being happy, no I am not happy with her nor will I be happy leaving her but this is for my own health and sanity and the hurt has never left since discovering my wife was not faithful. The choice of which is better to stay married or divorce I can't answer yet but have the feeling the divorce part will be a so much better for me not having to live this life of a lie with a liar.

I was separated from my cheating spouse for eight months. I wish I would have continued with the divorce. I think I got scared because I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis during the separation. I don't have ANY family, everyone has passed on. I don't have friends so I was scared and I hated when my children were out of my life. I worried for their safety. So I'm back with him for five months and miserable. I don't think I will ever get past the affair. I don't want to put my children through the separation. They suffered so when we were separated and are very happy now. I always thought that I could do it for them, but I don't think I will be able. I just don't know how to handle telling the kids and the financial troubles that will come if we aren't a unit. That is what we have become, a unit, not partners in marriage. He says he has changed and only wants me. He has given me no reason to not believe him but I simply can't get past his affair or rather affairs if you count all of the women he exchanged photos with. He claims he never had sex, but I don't believe him. Either way the affair dissolved our union. He is not solely to blame. I was in a weird place and tried to have an affair myself. I then succeeded, but he blames himself for the abuse he was giving me. So we are both at fault but I can't get past the multitudes of women he had even if it was "just" photo exchange. Before I tried to stray he had been mentally, sexually, financially and threats of physical abuse. I'm not making excuses, but I did tell him the marriage was over and I wanted a divorce before I tried and eventually succeeded. So I'm in a pile of crap not to mention the person I had the affair with is still apart of our family and living with all of us as a renter. I often think there is no answer but death. Two men under the same roof wanting a relationship while I want to be alone for the first time in my life. I have never really been single. I've hopped from one bad relationship to another without taking any breaks. I don't feel like myself accepting the affair and trying to work on the marriage. I'm really lost.

I divorced. A hard part for me was to learn that although ALL cheaters are liars, they all don't have true remorse. Because some (like my ex H) are pathological. As in narcissists, borderlines and sociopaths.

At times I wanted to work it out, and he was begging for that (all the while continuing his affair/s). Our situation was crazy, I'm realizing I was in love with an illusion. He tried to hide the tons of lies, but I found out he is a serial cheater. We were doomed.

So what amount of deceit you can tolerate? And how safe can you make it for the cheater? Does he really have remorse? How can you tell if you will be happier if you're divorced? YOU CAN'T.

Anne and Brian Bercht of the Beyond Affairs Network have much good info -- I tried to lean on a support group (the people at our meetings remained devastated, and it seemed at times to just make us obsess more). But to listen to the BAN podcasts and read about successful couples, there is hope for many.

Keep searching, and make sure he is with you.

I chose to stay ands am happy that I did. However it sounds like your therapist and experts put it all on you. Very much the opposite of rebuilding. While the work to become a happy person is all on you and working on living the life you want and taking care of you, laying the brunt of rebuilding on you caring for his needs won't make you happy or rebuild your marriage.

What has he done to rebuild this marriage or help you?

You sound like you've already made your decision and honestly being divorced Seems like a much better life then living what your living now, based on your description.

In my first marriage, I decided to divorce because I had no respect, trust or connection left with him. Never regretted it for a second. Oh, and after several wives later, he's still a class A jerk. Nice that I know without doubt what kind of man he was. I have yet to divorce my current husband, although, heart of hearts, I believe I should. I believe I should because I will never, ever, be able to trust him as a mate should again. And, I feel little, if any, desire for him now. I think it's all done and over for me...but he cries.

I'm also one who stayed and am happy I did. I know we are in the minority. I believe the statistic is 40% stay together after infidelity, and of that 40% much fewer are probably happy or content with it. I'm 3 years and 3 months from dday now.

As Pink said, the bulk of the rebuilding work falls on the CS. Whether the BS can "get past this" in time will in large part depend on how well the CS addresses their problems. If they aren't, no amount of effort by the BS is going to rebuild to a happy and healthy marriage. The CS is the one who broke the trust, they are the only ones with a chance of rebuilding it.

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/07/healing-steps-for-unfaithful-spouse.html

Of course other factors can come into play despite the best efforts of the CS. The BS may be unable to rebuild trust with the CS, the emotional damage to great. Also conditions before dday may have had the relationship hanging by a thread, and the affair snapped that.

If after 2.5 years he hasn't done enough to make you feel secure, and/or you've not been able to heal yourself over it, divorce would seem to be in order. I'm all for staying, but only if there is the realistic hope of a healthy and trusting relationship into the future. It doesn't seem from your words that you have that hope.

My article, "Should I Leave or Stay" may be helpful too.
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/should-i-leave-or-stay.html

I'm still married nearly five years post d day. I am still hurting and I don't think I will ever feel the same, or be as happy as I was before I found out about his "work wife". I stay because I have no where else to go, and because of finances. There have been times when I thought he "got it", but sooner or later he opens his mouth and bats fly out. If I had it to do over, knowing what I know now, I think I would have ended the marriage.