Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello:
About 6 months ago I found out my husband of 36 years cheated on me with a married" woman". I haven't been the same since. I cry everyday. I don't understand how he can betray me and lie like this.It has been over for about a year and here are the things he says to me:
Says he loves me and always has ,wants to spend the rest of his life with me.( When I talk about divorce or separation he won't hear of it).
I told him i wish things could get back to how we were and he said they will because I am the most important person in his life and nothing is ever going to change that.
Says doesn't give a shit about her and is not going to ruin a 36 year marriage because of her.
Says it's in the past and didn't see it as a big deal and never in his wildest dreams did he think i would be hurt so badly .
Says he wishes it never would have happened but it's done and what do I want him to do now?
I told him things are different between us now and he says they are not, it's all in my head.
I don't understand how you can love someone and cheat on them.
I haven't told anyone not even our daughter so thank you for listening to me.
I NEED HELP!
Maryanne
How is he controlling me? and manipulating me?
I'm not arguing with you, i'm just trying to find out things that I don't see.
My H is definitely not weak or naive.
He is aggressive . Not sure about manipulative. I don't think he's selfish.
He is a very good talker though and i get speeches from him all the time.
I don't think he enjoys hurting me. I think that's the way he is and doesn't see how he is hurting me.
Up until i found out about the cheating the way he was acting never bothered me much. I mean i would get upset and cry and we would argue many times but i was always thinking it doesn't matter because he's really a good guy who takes care of me and loves me, but now i'm not sure.
He is trying real hard not to yell at me and blame me for things. This morning we had an incident which would have definitely been " my fault". But he didn't say anything and just calmly helped me with what was going on.
I was quite shocked.
I am the person he loves most in the world! We talk when we are annoyed or upset. We do not call names, insult or berate one another.
He is the one that cheated, he is the one who had to make it better.. we worked on our issues. Never disrespectful!
I have nothing else to say. Because we have all made great suggestions. You simply are going to do what you have been doing for 30+ years. If my calculations are correct you are around 56 years old. That makes him 66ish. It’s really difficult to change behaviors after all that time. So this woman is much younger than you. I am sure that makes him happy that he still has got it to score someone that young.
Good luck, I hope he stops cheating
I thought this was supposed to be a support group, not a place to be told what to do. It sounds as if you are saying " if you don't take our advice, get off this message board"As most people on here know, it is very difficult for the one who was cheated on. It destroys us.The last thing we need is to be berated that we are not doing the "right" thing. Nobody knows what the right thing is. These are not a one size fits all situations. I do appreciate all the advice and suggestions I am getting here. Some are easier to carry out than others.
I want you to be happy... not yelled at, belittled, or told it’s all in your head. We want your marriage to be better than it was pre A. It can be! There are many of us that it is! Our rose colored glasses were snatched off our faces and we saw the crappy marriages we really had. When all along many of us had no clue. Some of us chose divorce or divorce was chosen for us. Some of us actually have better marriages.
We all made choices, so will you.
I want to be happy too. I used to be a pretty happy person before .It takes a lot to get me angry. Everything I write here about what goes on in my marriage is not to make myself look like the victim, it is so that I can understand things better. I do get yelled at a lot and things happen because of me ( not this affair though , he said it wasn't my fault). Strangely enough it didn't bother me much, maybe I was too used to it. But this affair has thrown me in hell. I trusted him 100%. My H thinks he knows everything. Here is an example: we go to the mechanic. And he goes where they are working on our car bitching at them that this is not the way to do it, you have to do it this way, till he finally gets thrown out so they can do their job.Forwardmotion says Hmanipulating me. How? I'm trying to understand.
Yesterday I went for a drive to listen to music and cry and he called the house then my cell phone.we live in boondocks so sometimes cell doesn't work so when I answered he said where r u? I said driving around. He paused and said ok.
So today he says " where were u yesterday? " I said I was out driving. He said were you looking for a boyfriend? And about a month ago after a really big fight, I didn't answer the cell because it had died and he started calling our daughter then he called the contractor who was working here. The guy told him last I saw her she was getting into car to go somewhere. So next day the contractor said" H called looking for you. Idk Maybe he thinks I am ur boyfriend".
Now my husband knows that I never ever cheated on him and there is no reason for him to suspect anything so idk why he is doing this.
Sorry for making this extra long but I have no one to talk to. I didn't tell our daughter or anyone in family .
There are also free youtube videos featuring him. He does a better job explaining the large and the small ways we are manipulated by disordered people. The cumulative effect of all these large and small ways over the span of so many years is that you are not in a place to see what has been done/is being done to you. Take a minute to Google (or look on Dr. Simon's site): crazy making, gaslighting, blame shifting, lack of empathy, controlling behavior, projection. See where this leads you.
Your husband's behavior is deliberate and calculated 100% in order to manipulate/control you on every level. This is abuse. Telling the mechanic how to do his job until he gets thrown out, accusing you of cheating/looking for boyfriends, not being "ok" with you going out for a drive, checking your whereabouts constantly: yet another batch of HUGE red flags pointing to a character/personality disorder.
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/ten-examples-crazy-making-relationships.html
From this website they give 10 ways .
I see my husband in numbers 3,4,6,7 and 9.
I don't think he does this deliberately to hurt me .I think it's just the way he is.
I suspected he was cheating 2 years ago but when I asked him about it he convinced me it wasn't true. I was too weak and scared to do anything. A month ago I told him I should have left you 2 years ago this way I could have gone on with my life. He said , if you would have left me, it would have been a big mistake. Don't know what the hell that means.
Him saying if you had left would be a “big mistake” is a not so thinly veiled threat! Some types of disordered have to win (whatever the game of the moment is) at any cost. They can’t tolerate losing. You leaving him is equal in his mind to him losing. In the mind of the disordered, if there is any leaving to be done, they will do it first and punish you in the process.
He tells you that he loves you and you believe it just because he says it.
Even though all of his actions show contempt if anything.
He's even convinced you that he is a good guy and that he takes care of you.
I believe the reason you can't see something I believe is quite clear to anyone who reads your story, is that you have been conditions over such a long time by him to doubt your own thoughts and to adopt his understanding.
If you look at the example of cult members they are so conditioned their version of reality is quite staggeringly skewed.
The head of these cults are always well spoken and manipulative, and yes monsters who crave the control over the minds of others.
But there are some good things also. The business is in his name but I have full signing rights at the bank. It's all by invoices and checks so he can't hide money from me.
The house and apartment are in my name only. He even told me that I have all the power because I can tell him anytime to leave.
Thank you .
i was thinking to go into counseling by myself. Even if he wanted to come, I wouldn't want him there. When he would hear other people were going to therapists he would say he would never go to one because what the hell can a therapist do except talk to you and he's smarter than the therapist. I would tell him that he would drive the therapist crazy.