How would I put a GPS in his car and voice recorder ? I'm sure he would find them. I'm willing to believe that the affair is over and not to stir things up with her husband. However i was thinking if I do find out it's not over, then I will call her and tell her i know and if she doesn't break up with my H i will tell hers. Not sure if that's a good plan.
I have another question. I've told my H numerous times that this has taken over my life and It's all i think about. We haven't had a fight about his affair for 3 weeks.
He is acting like everything is great nothing is wrong. Since I haven't said anything for 3 weeks does he think I am over it?
Thank you,
Maryanne

From your short story and what your husband is telling you, it is pretty clear that he is a high level narcissist if not a sociopath.

His responses are controlling and shows no empathy towards your feelings. Perhaps he is incapable of empathy which is even more frightening.

It doesn't even seem like he believes he did anything particularly wrong.

It's time to get a lawyer, this guy has the makings of a monster. I would suggest someone who has his type of mindset would not have waited 36 years to have his first affair either.

If what you are describing as his responses are accurate, you have a pretty evil husband. The way he uses charm and doesn't even consider your pain or interests is scary. He will even use the 12 year old daughter of the woman to keep you from exposing their affair so they can continue it is chilling.

I don't think he is a monster but he is controlling .Controlling not in the sense of not letting me do things, but he always talks and talks and twists my mind( I don't know if you understand what I mean).
I told him that he probably cheated throughout our marriage but I was too stupid to notice it, and he totally dismissed it ,as if I was talking nonsense.
He kept telling me that he has the best wife. When i found out about affair, i called him on it and he said of course he believes he has best wife so I told him BS, you don't cheat on a best wife.

Oh goodness, what he is doing to you is known as mindf*ckery (or more politely, crazy-making). We have mentioned previously the blame shifting, rugsweeping, minimizing and gaslighting. Google all these terms and see where this leads you. Maybe its time to open a copy of one of George Simon's books like In Sheeps Clothing. Or better yet, Tracy Schorn's Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. They explain in great detail exactly the type of personality you are dealing with. You are being manipulated to an extreme degree. You are so used to it that you don't notice it or keep making excuses for him. No judgement here: I did this for 30 years until I woke up and smelled the coffee. This is what is described as death by a thousand cuts.

And a voice activated recorder is a very simple thing. You can get one on Amazon. The one I bought was under $50. Its is a black ball on a keychain that I placed under the drivers seat. If found, it just looks a random keychain. You retrieve it and download the audio files on your computer. If you are not tech savvy, hiring a PI can be worth its weight in gold. Their findings in court (if it comes to that) are considered unbiased.

I was young when we married and he's almost 10 years older than I am .It's always been like this so i'm probably just used to it.
I don't want a divorce. I want everything to get back to normal.

It can never go back to normal as this is the person he was all along for all those years.

What you had was the illusion of normal. He acts his way through life and you were his wife to play a part of his leave it to beaver sitcom. Of course who he was off set did not resemble who he really was underneath.

You've been red pilled and can see reality but there is no way to take the blue pill now to go back to the illusion.

If you don't want divorce then you must settle for a man who loves no one but himself and will continue to manipulate and cheat on you for the rest of your marriage.

Get a personal counselor who will help you process your perspective on the marriage, him, and your future.

Thank you all for the hacking email addresses. If I need it I will contact them . I'm too hurt to stand more blows. I'd rather not know. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt for now. I think I have to, to keep my sanity. I'm so tired of being upset and crying.

Just so you know, the hacking email addresses etc are spammers who come on here to take advantage of the grieving and devastated. Yes, there are people like that out in the world. Kind of like cheaters, no? Get some individual counseling so you are prepared for more D-Days (discovery days) because I promise you more are coming your way. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but if you allow him to have his cake and eat it too, lie to you, hide things, blame shift gaslight, minimize, deflect, treat you like a wife appliance and nothing more...then that is what you will get. Here's hoping he hasn't given you an STD!

The last post is true. Most don't change even if you give them ultimatums and keep them accountable but none will change if you don't.

I realize you want things to go back to “normal” and don’t want a divorce. What is going to happen if he decides to leave you for one of his affair partners?

Warning this is long sorry:
Thanks for the heads up on those email addresses. He doesn't want a
divorce either. A few days ago we had a small fight and I left to go to the house. As it was very late he messaged me to see where I was. We started " talking" through the messenger. I find it better because I can express myself better and he can't talk over me.
Here is what he said.these are the exact words.

---if you leave me it's because you want to,not because I want to. You know I'm not lying and I want things to be better between us.All my life everything I did was for you not somebody else.
Me-- you are lying
Him --stop that .I'm not lying
Me-- here you go again. Blaming me
Him-- blaming you for what?
Me-that if I leave it's because I want to not you
Him--Yes. I don't want you to leave.I want to work things out. You have to know that I honestly want us to be together. I don't know how to say it more convincingly. If what is bothering you is the way I treat you , you have to know that it's not disrespect,it's stupidity on my part.Rather than separate I want us to work things out and stay together.( The bit about how he treats me is because I complained to him that he treats me like shit,)

When I went back to apartment we continued and I told him. It hurts to think that if that bitch had wanted to leave her husband you would have left me. He said no,no he never ever planned on leaving me. Then he finally admitted that he ruined the marriage. He had a very sad look on his face . He said it twice. I think at that point it finally hit him that he ruined our marriage.
Thanks
Maryanne

He did ruin the marriage. The problem is that he doesn't seem to have the empathy of a morally developed person.

It's a long and painful journey to change from the person he is/was to a person who is faithful and understands the meaning of love.

He can't seem to stop lying because this is not just a pattern of behavior, it has become the fabric of his being and character after so many years.

He sounds like my wife's affair partner who is deluded in his thinking patterns. These things are near impossible to change.

The motivation is usually that they will lose everything if they don't change, and that faking it and just playing along won't be tolerated.

Separation is a good tool for CSes that continue to lack remorse, honesty, and accountability for their actions.

Do you mean that the motivation to change) stop cheating is he is afraid to lose me?
I noticed that the 3 times I slept away (even though just one night), he was nicer to me. Especially since Sunday's fight because I told him that he treats me like shit, that he blames me for everything,that he makes me feel stupid just to make himself look great.You never ever apologize and when we have a fight,it's always me trying to patch things up.
This was his response:
I know that I have a bad character and I'm sorry about it. I promise that I'm going to stop doing these kinds of things,If I do it again,just remind me of what I promised. I want everything to be ok and to stay together.( I copied what he said in our conversation).
I've noticed he is trying because usually there would have been plenty of things to be blamed about etc.but he hasn't.i can see he is controlling himself.
I don't know if he's afraid I'll leave or what?
Thanks

Likely he is afraid of losing your support, finances, and reputation if you leave him.

Like I said it MAY prompt him to want to change, however at this point it doesn't seem to be the case.

He will act better on the surface and say nice things because this is the pattern of how he gets away with his betrayals and controls you.

Nothing he said has indicated that he actually wants to do the hard work and change. It's a rare thing that someone with very poor character and high levels of selfishness can change.

From the way you have described your husband he makes a lot of vows and promises and doesn't keep them. Then he sweet talks you with grand declarations of love and promises that are not backed up by actions. Even his rare apologies are used as an angle to control you.

He's not one of those weak, selfish, naïve/childish type of cheaters who are undeveloped morally.

He is aggressive, selfish, manipulative, and has become who he is with intention and awareness.
I don't know if sadistic is going too far but I get the sense he enjoys doing what he is doing if he treats you as poorly as you perceive.