I think it is pretty general.

I do know from my experience, my ex is not a great parent in that he doesn't know how to parent because he was never around to parent. He was either gambling or running around, so it makes it difficult to be home to be involved. He is, however, when he was around, able to get down on their level and play, but it was difficult (and still is) for them to get his attention. My ex just moved to Canada to be with OW and sees the kids every 2-3 weeks for a few hours. When he was living 5 minutes away, he saw our daughter a couple hours on Sunday.

I think it's more fair to say that cheaters have "busy lives", therefore, may not be available time-wise or emotionally for their kids as others are.

Hope that sheds some light from a different perspective.

Guess I can't agree with that one. Mine was and is a very good , involved parent. Coached, went to all events, involved in discipline, loving, etc....

I think it depends on when in the child's life the parent was cheating.
My dipshit husband didn't cheat until our children were up and out of
the house - thank God!

He was h o r r i b l e to me, but was wonderful with kids, extended family, on and on. Just so cruel to me while he was cheating.

Mine cheated all throughout our marriage but he hid it very well. He wasn't a good parent and made me the one to discipline the kids. Then he would play favorites, and let them do what he knew they shouldn't. He could be a good playmate and the beer he drank didn't help him either.

It's usually the one who's least invested ...

In my situation my H is a great dad however during the A years he was very detached as a father. It was difficult to watch.

He was so disconncted the once he went away for 10 days and it took my kids about 4 or 5 days to ask "where's daddy?"

I can't speak for any other cs but I believe that he was so self involved during the A years and being with us cramped his style.

We did some marriage counselling, at my request, a couple of times. One of the biggest issues between H and I is that he resents my leadership when it comes to parenting, even though I spent 10 years as a very effective single mother before we had kids together. He's the 'you do as I say cuz I say so' kind of parent, which is what he learned from his father. I'm inclined to teach the kids to be respectful by treating them with respect, teach them to think for themselves and be independent, give them skills to prepare them for the world. H wants to dominate, shame them into submission, keep them dependant and tear down their self esteem to achieve that. He knows it's dysfunctional and damaging to them, but he's stuck on acting out the role modeled by his father. One MC asked him if I'm a good mother, he said 'yes, the best'. ...she's effective with the kids? yes. Loving? yes. You respect her parenting? yes. And she has many more years of practice in doing it well? yes. Then why not let her lead???

He fired that counselor.

No, not all cheaters are lousy parents. Some of us are really good at it and incredibly frustrated over having to struggle against someone who undermines effective, healthy parenting and makes an already challenging task much, much harder than it has to be.

At first I wanted to reply, "Bite Me!" Then I decided to take a more grown up approach. :)
I think Pinkpony made a good point because my H was very detached during his A. He is a good father and more recently has become an excellent one again. When I was having an A, I was what I would call "distracted". I was still the one who signed my son up for scouts and baseball, helped with all the homework, planned birthdays and vacations. But I did all of that in kind of a daze. It is funny now that this has come up because I have been going through old photos for a video they are making at my son's school for his 8th grade class and as I look at them it is like I am seeing some of them for the first time. I was there, but don't have a clear memory of all the events. My son, on the other hand looks so HAPPY! Which makes me happy.

So I guess I am saying I don't fully agree onyx. Good parents? yes. Fully invested? No.

Yes, I have to say, my STBX has been, and continues to be, a good mom, despite her deciding to cheat, run off and break up the family. Ignorantly, she has said things like, "I need to be selfish now, even if that means the kids don't have a house with a backyard or money for college. Those things aren't important." She also believes there won't be any impact to the kids, from the divorce. And although there may not be, it's a very ignorant thing to say...

Then again, she has bought books about the divorce, read them to the kids, etc, so she has been good in that regard... If anything, she too has been "distracted." The kids have complained about mommy getting angry and serious a lot, but that's her temperment. Hopefully that will change as things settle down.

I've spent my days with the kids usually taking them places, hiking, the park, etc., while she has them watch movies or takes them shopping as she's texting the bf. Not that it's bad, but I'm finding that as a result I'm bonding with them more, since this split.

@Onyx: Hmm, now that you mention it, my STBX rarely if ever plays with them at their level. In fact, she tried to avoid it. Maybe that will change now that we're apart, but I was always the one who played with them with LEGO toys, put together the train set, played with the dollhouse, and helped with bikes outside or even kicked the ball around with them...Hmmm..How did I never notice that??

That was one of the reasons she said she realized she wasn't in love with me anymore, that I gave the kids more attention than to her. :/

She's great at making sure they have clothes, food, is on top of their homework, etc.... Very interesting though...Onyx.

Our situation doesn't quite match up. Gabi was through most of our marriage the one who took care of the kids. Due to discipline methods not matching and no collaboration, I tried to stay out of the nitty-gritty of raising the kids other than when asked. Just to avoid the inevitable conflict, and me looking like the bad guy.

But, during her A, her interest did so change that she wasn't as focused on the kids. The youngest was 17 at the time, so it wasn't real obvious to everyone. She just didn't interact with them as much as she had been. But she has always been the one who took care of and played with the kids more throughout our marriage. Which is a total reverse of your point. But I'm only one data point. The general might still be true.

I don't think married cheaters are good parents. The cheaters are dong something they know will break apart and devastate their children's lives. They give up time being with their children to have sex with another person. How many cheaters have spent large amounts of money on their affair partner, taking away a resource from their children? The cheater and his AP can go out to dinner, stay in hotels, maybe the cheater is buying gifts for the AP, while at home the BS is trying to stretch a budget. Does anyone really think that even though the cheater, when home, when they're actually available to their kids, may tuck their kids into bed, sign them up for a sport or activity, help with homework a little--does anyone really think this negates the affects of a divorce? A breaking apart of the family that could occur? So when the children are dividing their time between houses, possibly having to keep company with a person who helped in breaking apart their family, when one parent or both are now struggling financially, stress is unbearable, the children may no longer live in the same house and may be apart from friends and not be able to remain at their school, etc., does anyone really think this is good for the kids just because the cheating parent didn't check out completely? Give me a break. I could list more examples but I think everyone gets the idea. Cheaters who insist their children can still be happy and healthy while facing a broken home due to their cheating are lying to themselves about yet another thing. Cheaters cause a lot of pain to a lot of people. Taking care of the children doesn't give a person the right to blow up their lives.

Sounds like my exH. He often pushed our older one away...my parents saw it, my extended family saw it. When they were infants, I did all the work. Now he's sort of trying to make up for it....sort of but still doesn't play a board game or much with them. It's sad...now I don't have the time bc I'm working full time and they are in activities and I still have the work at home that needs to get done....I try though.

LyraAnn - Well said...I agree. They may act like they're good parents, and do all the right things etc., but in the end, they were selfish and created such a disruption that they ultimately are not good parents. As a result of this pending divorce, and her spending money to go out with her AP all the time, my STBX is suddenly in debt up to her ears..., but doesn't seem to care that this will mean less activities for the kids, no savings for college. And she doesn't see the impact of shuttling them back and forth to two houses, etc. Her massive debt will no doubt mean she will go after me for as much of my salary as she can, once the divorce is final... It's sad, when someone is so selfish.. :(

This is where I struggle to "define". My ex (cheater) is by all accounts and excellent father. He cooks healthy food, takes care of their needs, plays, is involved and invested, coaches, arranges play dates (albeit, these days they are always playing with OW's kids), but basically an all around great dad. However, here is where I struggle. Does a "great parent" rip two families apart? (OW now girlfriend) was married with 3 kids. Does a great parent put their own wants before the family?
I can pick some things apart. Financially, he is a train wreck, by his own doing. That's not really being a responsible parent. Pretty much forcing his relationship and her kids on our kids isn't so great...but it sure could be worse. I could be worrying about their health or safety when they are with him.