If you want to make this about money, then stay. If you truly believed in and loved the person who betrayed you, then its NOT about money and to reduce it to being a financial arrangement does NO service to the person whose heart is broken.

I believe that you are making light of a very painful situation.

needhelp, are you addressing me or the original poster?

Well, for me---I've been married twice. Ended the first M because of infidelity. Second M, figured I try a different route. I mean I already knew what a mess it would be to D from my first M.

I don't regret either decision. I'm glad I didn't rebuild with my 1st and I'm happy I did stick around with the 2nd. It is MHO that rebuilding is WAY more difficult.

Personally, I don't think it's a nowadays thing---I think it's more of an individual thing.

1. I have a kid, and still left.
2. I attempted to reconcile for a couple months, realized I was better than this, and left.
3. I am financially secure as women should always be secure.
4. I am better off having left.

5. Leaving isn't as easy as you presume.

And, where do you live where the law ALWAYS protects the wife??? I am an ex wife, and felt my divorce was completely fair, albeit, my EX and I get along tremendously well.

Seriously, humor aside. I think that when faced with infidelity, lots of factors come to mind. A cheated partner is suddenly faced with a lot of serious decisions. They stand to lose a lot of things. And have already lost a lot of things. But, on a personal level, I couldn't stay with a mate based "entirely" on financial status. I couldn't feel that would be right for me, my mate, or my child. Children raised in an unhappy environment, (and I would definitely be unhappy with a man who was nothing to me but a billfold) usually have some difficulties in life. Children of divorce do too. I think that there are lots of things to consider when children are involved. I also think that if there is no real love in a relationship and only finances involved children would be raised in a cold, abnormal and unhappy environment. I can't see how that would be good. Maybe a cheating partner thinks so? Don't know. They choose to stay in a relationship they apparently don't really want and to find their "love" elsewhere. I suppose if both parties felt that way, it might work for the couple. But, what of children who find out about that? What kind of example is that for life? I guess if money, and things, is the answer to a happy life, then it's good. But, if there is more to life and happiness than money...then it's not. I think lots of very wealthy people do just that...marry for status and financial stability. In that case, glad I'm not wealthy. Because I couldn't even imagine letting a man in my bed in exchange for money. That's how it would feel to me.

Thank you for expanding on your thoughts, Sheen. I also would not stay in a relationship for purely financial reasons. I would just hate for anyone to feel judged for taking security into consideration when choosing whether or not to rebuild. Money is not the only thing that matters, but practically love can't be the only factor either. I think we all have to be pragmatic in some ways once we have kids who are counting on us.

I absolutely agree that raising kids in a home where there is no love between their parents would be a very unhealthy situation. My ex (oldest childs father) grew up in just such a home. Even worse, he and his sister were adopted, not because his wealthy parents wanted to love two children, but because having kids completed their picture perfect family. His sister fared better than he did--she was able to bond with their adopted mother--but his father was never interested in connecting. He experienced rejection every day of his life and grew into one of the most broken people I've ever known.

I cannot stay with a cheater no matter what the situation...I have a newborn baby and everyday is a struggle, but I will endure whatever hardships that I will face in lieu of giving my all to a man unworthy.

Gotta: There are "no" easy answers to a relationship where any kind of infidelity has come into play...not for me anyway.

And yes, financial issues do come to mind because most mates have shared all of their assets. When I found that my mate had done something that he knew without doubt was likely to end the relationship...hence the lies...he placed me directly into loss immediately. Eveyrthing I worked very hard for was subject to loss by his choice of behavior.

Apparently, he didn't mind losing everything...and he didn't mind losing it for me either. Had I even considered that he would do such a thing, I would have kept my earnings and all my assets separte. But, I hadn't. I trusted him. So, I did suddenly have emotional losses and financial losses to address.

And yes, I thought about it. I came to a conclusion about that. If I had to walk out with nothing at all to regain my peace of mind....it's worth every copper penny...and thirty years of hard work down the drain. See...I worked too...just like he did. And, he put my thirty years of work, planning, and preparation for my future at risk for his little thrills. Fine if he thinks his side issue is worth losing everything "he" worked for. Maybe it was well worth the trade. But, why "me?" I got "nothing" out of his antics...only he did.

Too bad that he didn't choose to throw "only" his future into the garbage. Too bad he couldn't be the only loser. Too bad that I was put in a position to pay for his thrills. And too late for it to matter.

Yes, SheenRe, it is too bad. It's awful when the choices of one person have such a dramtic impact on another.

That's part of the reason I didn't 'just divorce' as so many people have suggested would have been better than having an A. If I'd had only myself to think about maybe I would have, but dragging my kids into poverty or homelessness because I couldn't make my marriage work didn't seem fair to them. The pain we all went through because of my A wasn't fair either, but at least they still have their home and our family, somehow, is intact.

That doesn't mean I'm one notch above a prostitute for staying married though. This was not just a financial decision, but finances were a factor for sure.

I have done both. I have stayed in a relationship where my h cheated and I have left. Honestly for me there were many different things that came into my decision process. There were my children to consider of course but only so much since in the end my happiness and the health of the marriage makes a huge difference in the children. If the marriage isnt a good one that has love and security, then the kids suffer from that as much or maybe even more than they would from a broken home where atleast the parents were happy even if not at first.

For me I think the deal breaker followed the cheating and not the actual cheating. Dont get me wrong, when dday happened there was a HUGE part of me what wanted to end it right then! However, I didnt, I gave it some time. I tried to see where my marriage truly stood. I waited to see who this person was now that I am married to. Have they in fact become someone that was so selfish? Have they become a person that I could never love again? In my last marriage, he had. He became a person only concerned with himself that continued hurting me and betraying me. Where as my current h came clean and had true and deep remorse for what he had done. He also had already told the OW he was never to have any contact with her again. He never loved or cared for the OW and thank GOD it was only the one encounter. Had it been a long term A where he actually cared for the OW... I cant really say. I think that also played a part in my decision to stay. It is hard enough that he betrayed me physically, but had he betrayed our love too...that may have been it for me. Again, you are asking a hypothetical question and all I can say is what I have done with what I was faced with. In BOTH situations, honestly the financial part was the smallest. However, I also know that many dont have the luxury of being able to put that on the lower part of the totem pole. I am one of those that has a very difficult time trusting ANYONE financially and tend to be prepared ALWAYS for the worst. I was a stay at home mom when my ex cheated and we split. I ended up having to sell our home but I made it. It was scary and that is a huge thing that holds many back. Another is a sincere fear of change. Sort of like the devil you know is better than the devil you dont. Some have been stay at home moms throughout the marriage.

Unfortunately you have asked the one question most cant say. That is the huge difference really between us and those that have been through it. We actually KNOW how we feel and Know that it isnt a black and white thing. Where as many that havent dealt with it have very firm ideas of what they would or wouldnt do.

I say you have NO idea really till you are sitting there faced with it in your life at that very moment. Because the answer may be different each time.

When faced with this question prior to being cheated on or as my H said he had a "'just a friend"" I would have had no decision to make I would have left. Now months after DD I find myself still here for more than one reason. Not because of my morals and values, I have had to put that aside not because I wanted to but because I had to. I am not financially able to go anywhere right now. Why didn't I kick him out?? Finances. Surgery kind of stall things a bit to.

I already asked and pleaded with H to go to counceling but he said he wouldn't because he already said he was sorry why should I go to have someone else tell him to tell me he was sorry. Now I live in a house devided, no conversations, no nothing but sitting in front of the t.v.. He got religious at the beginning picking up the Bible because the Bible says forgive and forget. It's on his terms, talks when he wants to and yet cant understand why I don't say anymore Hi honey how was your day when he gets home.

I agree with Nana, the deal breaker has been the following that will dictate how the future is. And the following after DD has dwindled to as it was before DD. He proved how the true colors were by giving me the I'm sorrys, trying to buy me thing's to treating as before not giving me the time of day now.

Hey All,

I actually had my daughter read this thread and give me her input. She is 19 now but she was only 13 when her dad and I divorced.

I was pretty straight with her, when we talked about this thread, that I did take some time to consider my financial situation when her dad and I separated. It was not an easy situation or decision to make. She remembers that.

I left a 20 year marriage with pretty much nothing - but she does remember that I made SURE I got the Bunn coffee maker. We still laugh about that. She remembers me working two or three part time jobs at a time. Days, evenings, 3rd shift. She did say that she worried about me a lot.

That does bother me. Honestly, it does.

She said, 'but it kept getting better and better. The lights were always on. There is always food here. Double Stuffed Oreos. We never worried about it. You are a stubborn bitch, Mom.'

Yeah she said that. Language...language...

She watched all of this for years. And then, she was around when I found this dream job of driving forklift and goofing around with power tools all day - all 12 hour days, but we now have benefits, dental, life, all that good shit.

Yeah, I said Shit.

...and we have more Double Stuffed Oreos.

Her point is this - she knew that leaving was hard. Very hard. Emotionally and financially. But, she said, 'you never quit.' I had to tell her that I never want her to feel as if there isn't anything she can't do.

My point in posting this? Leaving, for whatever reason, is not up to anyone else. If you leave, you leave. If you stay, for your kids, for finances, for stability, for religious reasons, it's all up to the individual. Many stay. For whatever reason. That deserves support. Many leave, and have thier own reasons, and that deserves support.

Final thought? And this is just where me and my intact family (minus thier dad) landed? My son lives with me too, and my oldest daughter is off on her own, with her man, has had a beautiful daughter, my grand daughter and is expecting another. We call ourselves 'intact family.' Because we are.

Last year, I had to have surgery. Be off of work. On short term disability. Back surgery, to be exact. My kids? Would not let me do A THING. Nothing. I could only start to ask and they were jumping. When I ran short, there was a month or two where they bought the groceries.

Why?

'We wouldn't be alright if it weren't for you, Mom. So doing this is NOOOOOO problem.'

Leaving was hard as hell. Emotionally and financially. LOL...it's always GAME ON. But the pay off that I saw after my surgery, in them...well, I think I am damned lucky...

...and blessed.

Some leave. Some stay. We all have our reasons for whatever choice we make. We support here.

My two cents, L~

L~2 cents my ass! (yep I said ass! lol)

You are so right. When I kicked my h to the curb, I was scared shitless. No doubt about it. I had never been on my own. I was now a single mom of 4 with one being only 2 months old. I hadnt worked in years.

I remember the first job I was able to land was for only 7.50 an hour. But it was a stepping stone back into the workforce. After being there a year I was able to get back into the field I was in before I stopped working and within 3 years making the same money I was making before. I will admit, I wasnt on my own long. My current h and I had met only a few nights after I had told my ex to hit the road. We dated for 6 months and were living together within 9 months and honestly had already been spending every single day together practically from the day we met. So while I was on my own financially I had his support.

I also was smart financially and had put money back. I had a pretty good feeling where everything was headed from the first time I suspected things were wrong. But the hardest part was taking that leap. I was actually terrified. I was afraid of the financial part but I was also afraid of being alone. You know how it is, the devil you know ..etc.

I understand the fear of change. It is something that has always been with me too. I also had just had a baby so I had that too. I mean I thought, I have this son (I had just had my first son, the 3 older siblings were all girls) so I felt the fear that I was somehow shortchanging him. But I also knew that the man I was divorcing was no man that I wanted my son to see as an example of who he should be.

We are all so much stronger than we think we are. We are so much more capable. It isnt easy. No one ever told me life was going to be. In fact my mom always told me that life was a continuous struggle that would allow me a little down time so I could either stand still and fear it all or go forward and get on with the rat killin'. She was right.

Nanas, Moms are pretty right...but then you have to consider that generational thing too. They come up with what applied for thier generation and worked. How it was THEN. WE have to deal with how it is now.

I guess I saw this taking off as to if we are selfish if we stay or if we go. In all honesty, I have to say, it's something I have wrestled with over the last few years. 'Was I selfish in leaving?'

A part of me says I was. So be it. If not being able to stay in the same room as my EX, much less in the marriage, and being fully prepared to leave and work my butt off for the rest of my life makes me selfish, so be it. I was horribly realistic in what I faced on my own.

Are people selfish for staying? Nope. Not in my book. I can't say that they are. They have their reasons and those reasons are all individual and should not be questioned.

My kids have struggled. They have. But if you ask them, and you could, they are happy I left. They are happy living with me. They say, 'we know what can be done because we see you doing it.' I have as much faith in them as I have in myself.

But this? It is something that I wrestle with and probably will for some time.

Such is life...L~