Interesting read - only read Heartbreak, will def have to load this on my e-reader!

You KNOW that I was going to jump all over this.

So.....according to this article ......you and I are fucked until we meet for a discussion at the driving range?

Way too clinical for me! Over my head! Did focus on the part about a woman "felating a man" though!
There are much better reads to understand infidelity, like "Not Just Friends".

Hmmmm...I'd have to disagree somewhat. Rather archaic. Lots of women leave their children with husbands after divorce these days.

Guys,

I think that is probably the greatest load of horseshit i have ever read.

The author is making hard and fast claims about almost everything but he is not backing his claims up with anything at all.

I think Mark Devon is a wanker.

Hey Blind. I got your message.

I found this interesting just because its a different perspective. Our spouces impulses and actions and how we responded may all just be about the continuation of the species.

It found it interesting for example, to read that men struggle more with infidelity simply because it triggers a biological jealousy response designed to assure male paternity. Or that betrayed women tend to be more forgiving because her man's infidelity has no direct impact on her offspring. Her bigger concern subconsciously, from a biological perspective, would be of abandonment and not being able to provide for her offspring.

The revenge piece was of special interest. I wonder if I had beaten the OM's brains in, would that have made me feel whole again somewhere down deep in my core, reptilian brain. Or, if he had apologized to me, would his humiliation and "lowered rank" have made it any easier to cope on some level.

Mick, I'm not saying that Mark Devon is right and everybody else is wrong. He probably is a wanker. I don't know anything about him.

I'm just ready for a different perspective. Or maybe i'm just bored because its too damn cold outside to go running.

Mate, no problem.

I am just trying to highlight some of the absurdities of his claims. there are hundreds of them.

The thing wont let me copy and paste and i am too lazy to type them all in here but here is just one of them.( Taken from the Heartbreak farce) ((in my opinion))

Quote

"Heartbreak is only triggered if a woman is still infatuated with a man. If a woman started feeling infatuation more than 8 months ago, she will not feel heartbreak if her man courts another woman. If she has not activated his monogynistic love after 8 months, she probably never will and should move on to a new man. consequently women are not punished for losing a man they should have left. "

End Quote.

Thoughout his work, Devon makes assumptions like this and there are hundreds of them.

the obvious question to me are :-

What does he base his time frames on?

How does he support the argument that a women will not feel heartbreak if the infatuation is longer than 8 months?

I would suggest that there are very many women on this site who are heartbroken who were in relationships that lasted much longer than the author's much vaunted 8 months.

Any one of his arguments in that book can be just as eaasily refuted simply be reading this forum or the infidelity board.

I hear you Mick. But his definition of heartbreak may not be the same as ours. This book was probably written for other biologists!

Like when he talks about the duration of love. His definiition of love is based on biological response. What we think of as love he refers to as affection. Of course we love our children.

I found some of it really interesting and worth digging into a little more deeply vs most of the BS self help and psycho babble i've suffered for the past two years.

"If a woman started feeling infatuation more than 8 months ago, she will not feel heartbreak if her man courts another woman."

HA! So what exactly was it that I was feeling when my H that I became infatuated with over 20 years ago began courting the OW?

If its all about procreation and continuation of the species, why is it that the majority of those who cheat are beyond their child bearing years? Midlife crisis, etc.

I haven't read the stuff, so I can't really comment, except to say that I can't get back to normal, either. I feel like a damn crazy person and I'm sick of it.

I like your profile pic. I wished I golfed.

True Hair. I have been married, and in love, with my H for nearly thirty years. I think infatuation passed long, long ago. But, when I found his particular brand of infidelity, it did break my heart for the very first time ever. Imagine that. So, the guy is a wanker.

Hi,
Haven't been on much and was wondering how you are doing. It has been 2 years and 2 months since i found out about the A and day to day life is normal...for him. We get along, try to do things together but I never bring it up anymore because if feels like I should be over it by now. I said I forgave him but a day NEVER goes by that I forget. I think about the OW and the A everyday. I'm just wondering if this is normal...should I still be thinking about this years later and will i continue to think about this for the rest of my life and should I tell him I still think about it

kmd-
i'm much like you. 2+ years past dday, 3+ years past A and I still feel consumed with thoughts of the A and the OW. Certain situations send into a panic attack. My H has been really great to me. Some of the experiences that people share on DS blows me away and I'm unsure how these people cope and deal. In comparrison my situation looks a hell of a lot easier than a lot of others. I don't bring up the A either. I feel like you---it's time to let that go and concentrate on OUR future--our relationship has gone to a different level because of all that we've been through---and not just the A. It's more because of all the shit that we've endured together as a resul of this nasty tragedy---not because he had an A. We've grown as individuals and we've both seem to have developed a very strong respect for the other. Him because of all his actions post A and me because of my willingness to forgive him and allow him to re-establish trust with me.

I'm not a professional----but I do think this is normal. And I also think that individual experiences make a difference--length of the A, and shit like that have to be considered....I'm sure all that affects how long we hold on and rehash shit in our minds.

lovemarriage,
Thanks for your reply. I agree with you, after reading other peoples responses on DS my experience was completely different. My husband also did anything and everything to save our marriage. Neither one of us wanted our 25 year marriage to end. I just have such a hard time letting go. Atleast, for the most part I don't feel like everything in our past was a fake. I have gotten over the fear that every time he is not with me he is with "her". I just get scared sometimes because I'm starting to feel comfortable and I then start thinking "what a fool I am...this is how it happened the last time...if he pulled the rug out from under me once he could do it again" this is when I start getting anxiety. Anyway, thanks for your input.