Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Ok so last night we had a arguement over our relationship. She feels we are more like roomates than we are a couple. This is because we have not had sex in a couple months she says. That and she wants romance, and love and passion.
I will fully admidt that i am not a romantic person, and i have never been a touchey feely person. But being she has made comments in the past that those were traits that she liked in her ex who she had the A with, i have been trying to change myself to be more touchey feely for her.
I told her that from what i have read, that sexless marriages do have thier benefits. they force a couple to find other ways to communicate, and it creates a stronger bond between the couple. This is because they are forced to talk, and share emotionson a more frequent basis. ANd apparently it is recomended for couples where one person or the other struggles with intimacy issues, and can help over come them. And she told me i was just totally off my rocker.
Then i pointed out that she wants me to change the person who i am just so she can feel like she is not living a roomate situation, however she is insistant that i love her as she is, and that if i ask her to control her weight better and not keep adding to the 80 lbs she has put on in the last few years, and it would help that sexual attraction factor on my end, she makes a point to do the opposite.
And finally she asked me to at least care about things, like asking her how her day was when i get home, or if she had fun when she goes out with her friends, but on the other hand i am not to ask why she took a day off of work, it is none of my business.
I dont get it at all. I feel that i am the one that has to do all the changing to keep this relationship working, and i was not the one that had the A. I understand that i am partially at fault, and i should work on things, on my end, but i feel i am the only one doing it, and i am forced to accept her as she is.
I will fully admidt that i am not a romantic person, and i have never been a touchey feely person. But being she has made comments in the past that those were traits that she liked in her ex who she had the A with, i have been trying to change myself to be more touchey feely for her.
I told her that from what i have read, that sexless marriages do have thier benefits. they force a couple to find other ways to communicate, and it creates a stronger bond between the couple. This is because they are forced to talk, and share emotionson a more frequent basis. ANd apparently it is recomended for couples where one person or the other struggles with intimacy issues, and can help over come them. And she told me i was just totally off my rocker.
Then i pointed out that she wants me to change the person who i am just so she can feel like she is not living a roomate situation, however she is insistant that i love her as she is, and that if i ask her to control her weight better and not keep adding to the 80 lbs she has put on in the last few years, and it would help that sexual attraction factor on my end, she makes a point to do the opposite.
And finally she asked me to at least care about things, like asking her how her day was when i get home, or if she had fun when she goes out with her friends, but on the other hand i am not to ask why she took a day off of work, it is none of my business.
I dont get it at all. I feel that i am the one that has to do all the changing to keep this relationship working, and i was not the one that had the A. I understand that i am partially at fault, and i should work on things, on my end, but i feel i am the only one doing it, and i am forced to accept her as she is.
So, your advice is...
1. TAKE TESTOSTERONE MEDS
The weight issue is not applicable (that would be an action item for your wife), unless it's your acceptance of her weight.
This just strikes me as a 'WE need to back the whole bus up and figure out just WHERE we went off track in our relationship. To me, not wanting sex to you, eating and gaining and eating and gaining...to the blame shifting, to the resentments, the underlying anger...all of this...when did THAT start?'
For sure, this was well before the affair.
Seems like a vicious cycle going on. 'I don't like your wieght gain and it pisses you off so you eat more just to piss me off and throw it in my face that the OM didn't have a problem with it...' Someone needs to step off this cycle and say, 'we need to both, BOTH, stop.'
This can't go on forever.
Are you off base? In my opinion only, Nope. Not at all. Personally, if I had a choice between making it work or not, wouldn't we all see the big picture and decide to make it work, if it called for some small changes and sacrifices? For you, distance, to make your changes and show the affection she wants...and for her, to change her lifestyle for her life.
Just my take...
At this point, I do see your point, distance. I think you would be willing to do the work, but damn, you need to see her willing to do the work too.
L~
"and I don't believe that the weight should be an attraction issue...you either love a person or you don't...if you are concerned about her weight for health reasons, well, then that is different"
Most people are attracted to people who are reasonable fit....within reason. A few extra lbs is not usually an issue for most.
Love and attraction are not the same. You can love a person and not be attracted to them. His wife is 80lbs overweight, this is not a little overweight, its the weight of 3 thanksgiving turkeys. Some spouses are ok with the other spouse being obese....others are NOT.
I am not overweight. I could EASILY become overweight as I love food. When I notice myself gaining, I cut back. I want the same sacrifice, or similar from my partner.
She is risking her health. She is risking their financial stability (think of the bills that can get racked up from obesity related health issues).
She is asking him to give unconditionally while putting conditions on her own giving.
On a side note: Blind what kind of mutant turkeys are you eating??? Average TGD turkey is 15 lbs. So this is like 5 turkeys in weight.
Obesity runs throughout my family and I know its a serious issue, not to be joked about. Both of my sisters and one brother exceed the weight discussed here.
I am simply trying to make the point that being overweight does matter to some spouses.
My brothers ex wife (she was thin), had a huge issue with my brothers weight, and I even heard her say she is not attracted to him anymore. They are now divorced.
It shortens your lifespan. Is it fair to make widows and single parents of spouses?
Look at the major health issues: heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and cancer. Costs to treat these in the millions and one underlying cause common to all...weight
It effects your daily life. You are less mobile. More prone to falling injuries. Less energetic.
It can lead to depression.
And yes it can lead to reduced sexual activity.
I'm not talking about the 10 extra pounds we all want to lose. I am talking about someone gaining 80 pounds EXTRA.
And then to do it on purpose and state that the OM didn't mind it?
And finally. I get some marriages go cold. I get THAT. But cheating isn't the answer.