You are way too young not to get everything out of a relationship. You are in a comfort zone with someone you think you love. But you don't love her. If you did, you wouldn't be having these problems. It would all come naturally. Man up and move on.

Personally, I hate the "man-up" comment because it's portrays a "this is how it will be and either you like it or you don't" mentality. I don't think that works. No offense to you When..., but I just don't see this as a wiping of your hands and moving on in the relationship. It's not that easy. There's hope here in their marriage with much work.

Distance..., though your W is not behaving in the manner that she shoud, having the A, she still is expressing very important needs to you. Some might be off-kilter a bit, but nevertheless, there's value to what she's saying. And despite her indiscresions, she does still deserve to have her needs met IF you plan to keep the marriage going. You BOTH have to work to see improvement.

I see this as counselor intervention. I believe a good counselor COULD work with this. But it has to be a desire on both parts to see progress. You doing all the "changing" and she sitting on her laurels will not work and you'll quickly resent everything you're doing for her. And alternatively, she'll think "what the heck am I doing this for" if you're not making the effort too.

About the lack of sex, maybe a very few couples can build a healthy relationship without it, but that's normally an important element to a marriage. People NEED intimacy. I would gather most women WANT to feel desired and WANT the contact. Some may not want it as often as men do, but it sounds like your W does. That too is a counselor issue. You may be right that there needs to be a lot of reconnecting between the two of you in order to get back to that stage of intimacy and it might take awhile, but you should try to get back there if it, the marriage, is to improve.

I wish you the best and hope you find the answers to make this work.

-TheRule

For what it's worth Distance, I think you are "manning up" by doing what you are doing. Attempting to rebuild a marriage isn't for the faint of heart or weak of mind so there is that for you. There is nothing "un-manly" about not wanting to walk away from your family.

Anyway...

It seems like your wife is trying to communicate with you but is really lacking some tools. I can't keep everyone straight, are you i counseling? If so have you discussed this weight thing with them?

This weight thing perplexes me on so many levels. This crap about the OM liking her heavier almost sounds like an excuse. If I was you I would start complimenting the parts of her you really like (eyes, hair, smile etc.) and not even mention the weight. It seems attention seeking and many times if that attention goes away so does the behavior.

I will say I am concerned about her health. It sounds like she gained this weight fairly rapidly. Too bad you can't get her into a physician with dietary or pulmonary background who might be able to scare some sense into her.

State - yes we are in MC. And i did bring it up once, and was promptly shut down. That is when i found out that she is purposly doing it because she knows it bothers me. The MC said she did not buy my reason that part is health and part is attraction. she said that she thinks it is all about the attraction, because guys are visual people. I just chose not to try to defend myself. MC did tell W that she did think it was a bit childish on her end to do that. And good points about complimenting other things. I will have to try that.

Rule - I do agree she does deserve to have her needs meet, i guess i get hung up on the fact that my needs get blown off. So it make me resentful of me trying to meet her needs. And yes W wants it more than i do. I have never been one to have a high sex drive.

Whenatfirst - If i did not love her i would have let our relationship go when i found out about her A. I am willing to work hard at fixing the relationship, willing to change the person i am just to make her happy.

distance, you DO NOT have to change who you are. That is just unfair. However, you can evolve. You can learn. It's also ok to accept what you yourself feel. What I am about to say may sound politically incorrect to some, but it truly is not meant to be. Distance, it is obvious that health is important to you. You run (if I remember correctly) and try to keep yourself in shape. There is nothing wrong with admitting that the 80 plus pounds she's gained is bothering you. You can love someone but lose some attraction for her if she neglects herself. Ok working, I know, I know, I sound like you! lol. Seriously, I do admire the fact that you love her so much that you are trying to work passed this issue. She is holding onto the weight to almost prove a point. The bottom line is that she just wants to make you the bad guy in every situation to justify what she did. I'm afraid that you will not make any further progress, in any area, until she realizes this. Sending you support and strength and prayers!

Z - yes i you remember right, i am a runner. I do not expect anyone to be totally physically fit, but take care of yourselves is all i ask. When it gets to the point of where you dont take care of yourself, not only is there health issues to worry about, but it affects the quality of your life.
I understand i dont have to change who i am, but i think you put it better i can evolve who iam to be a better person.
Thank you for your support :)

Yes, her needs are important, especially if you want to keep the marriage going. And yes, your needs are important as well, and she needs to be sensitive to that especially since she's the one who put you in this position. There needs to be a balance, for sure, and if she's unwilling to work to meet your needs as well, then it is a one-sided situation that doesn't equal marriage.

I would highly recommend, if you haven't already, reading the book "His Needs, Her Needs." It addresses exactly these types of things and how they factor into romantic love. Romantic love may not mean anything more than finding what makes her feel loved and doing that. You don't have to *become* romantic to act and do romantic actions that will make her feel loved.

On the sexless marriage thing, that only works if both of you are on board with it. If she needs that to feel loved by you, you need to figure out a way, once you get past whatever blocks the A has thrown up, to help her get that. Because you have a sex drive that wants it? Not necessarily, but because it is important to her.

The problem here is that she thinks you're not meeting her needs, and you think she's not meeting yours, either intentionally or unintentionally. It becomes a whirlpool sucking you both into a difficult situation. But once you identify what her most important needs are to feel loved, and do those, she is much more likely to come around and meet yours. But what most people don't realize is what most men think is important and what most women think is important are two different things. So each of you try to meet the other's needs that you think are important for you, figuring they are for the other spouse, which is rarely the case. So you both go through the marriage with unfulfilled needs. And those become powder kegs waiting for the right spark to go off in an adulterous affair.

That's pretty much what happened with my wife as well. We felt we had a good, solid marriage, but we'd drifted apart because we'd become accustom after 29 years of marriage of not meeting each other's needs, that we really didn't even realize it.

Of course, each situation is different, and not all of that may apply in your case, but worth checking out.

Sorry, but my viewpoint is different. Did she know that you two would be having a sexless marriage? My H duped me into thinking that he liked sex by having a lot, and I mean a lot, of sex with me before we were married.

As soon as we got back from the honeymoon he pushed my hands away and announced that he was in charge of our sex life and I had no say-so about it whatsoever! Now that is the complete opposite of what he tole me our during our courtship. Following are his admissions that he planned to have a sexless marriage during, what I thought, was a year of extremely passionate courtship.

"I knew I could get away from with holding sex and intimacy from you after we were married because I knew you would not leave because of Bill."

"I knew if I ever told any girl how I really felt about sex, she would send me packing!"

So did you fake it before you were married as did my H, who by the way cheated on me and not me on him!

I can understand how your wife feels. The pain of constant sexual rejection has done me some major league emotional damage and I do not blame her for cheating! She is really, really hurt and really angry and probably has a major case of PTSD because of your emotional and sexual abuse of her!

Ask her now much she cried. I cried an average of two to three times a week for the first 22 years of our marriage. Then in 2007 I sort of broke! I spent six solid months where on a regular basis I would collapse to the floor and weep uncontrollably! He stepped over me! Less than a year later he cheated on me and continues to cheat and have very close friendships with women behind my back from this website.

Although this woman is not his lover, I am disgusted by the fact that she was willing to obtain some DVD's which according to him he could not buy from Amazon. She bought them for him and sent them to him. Behind my back, of course! This is the message I sent her.

"To: GrassIsGreen
Sent : 6/27/11, 2:37 pm
Subject: The DVD's you sent my husband
I am not going to waste my time telling you the truth about the decades and decades of emotional and sexual abuse Ken has heaped on me. Here are just a few of the highlights. He had an affair with a woman from this website a few years ago and she stalked me. He has spent thousands of dollars we don't have pursuing other women. He has exploited our son's computer abilities to help him to garner the skills needed for him to go online so he could start his career of being a serial cheater! He gave a woman he met in the psych ward last September $200.00 which we did not have, and when I asked why if he was going to spend $200.00 that we did not have, he did not take the dog and cat to the vet, his reply was that "They were just a stupid dog and a stupid cat!"

Now I happen to feel deeply thankful to have two such loving and sweet four-leggeds in my life. They are NOT STUPID! As a matter of fact, Maxwell D. Dog is a Border Collie, which are widely acknowledged as being the most intelligent dogs there are! Jumanji C. Cat is a cuddle thing and a purr machine and he has a firm policy about being against having his eyes being open!

And MaxieWaxie outsmarts me constantly! I love my Angel Boy Maxie with all of my heart and JJ Kittie J is purrfectly adorable and spoiled!

Couldn't help getting sentimental about my pets, just wait until my son and wonderful daughter-in-law make a Grandma!

The only reason I am communicating with you at all is because I know you have a disabled child and since I found the DVD's you sent him that are unplayable where we live and know how modest your home is via Google Maps, I am returning the DVD's to you when I get a chance. Only for the sake of your defenseless child!

Oh, by the way, did you know I am also disabled due to having Secondary Progressive MS? So be proud that you are helping someone abuse somebody who is disabled!

Ask him about why I went to the hospital with him every single time and he dumped me at the emergency room twice in one week in March of 2010 and went onto work and drove out of my own home so I had to stay with my son and daughter for three weeks to recuperate from a fairly serious MS flare.

Like I said, just hitting a few of the highlights! Treat your precious baby better than Ken treats his disabled wife!"

So as you see my opinion of someone who "struggles with intimacy issues" while they make their partners absolutely miserable! I am most def on your wife's side!

Emerald - you do bring up some good and valid points. However unlike your husband, i have never faked it. We have been together 5 years, and all 5 years she has known about my issue. She has never complained about it until i found out about her A. If she had talked to me about it rather than seeking out her ex, that is one thing. But it does make it even harder for me to be intimate with her when that constant thought of her A is there. She can blame it on me all she wants, and while many will say it is my fault, she made the choice to have the A rather than talk to me.
And it is not like she did not ever get sex before her A. She got it more than most couples with 3 young kids do.
I will fully admidt that some of the lack of interest on my end has to do with her A, and the fact that she wants me to be attracted to the 80 pounds of extra weight just like her ex. And all those have been addressed in MC.

Everybody has brought up valid points. I think it's wonderful that you want to work things out after what has happened. Reconciliation is a difficult process. It seems to me that the two of you do not have the same expectations of marriage. You don't want or need the same things out of it. Yes, in the beginning perhaps she knew that you were not a sexual person, but that need is maybe more important to her now than then. Her weight gain and subsequent affair were the way she dealt with the lack of intimacy in your marriage. For many years I was in a similar situation in my own marriage. I felt unloved and was depressed. I gained weight and lost interest in my appearance. I was sad and lonely. I wished at times that someone would come along and save me from my misery. My H was the one who eventually cheated, but I can't say that I wouldn't have loved the same type of attention myself. I don't believe that cheating is ok. It has devastated my life. I do, however understand why some people go there. If you are at a point in your marriage where neither of you can share intimacy or communication it may be best to part ways. You not only have the issue of the A, but are not attracted to the extra 80lbs she carries. You both deserve to have your needs met emotionally and sexually. Best of luck.

Sexless marriage is not something I would have signed up for from the beginning, but if something happened to my H after the fact and he was no longer able to perform, then we would adjust.

That being said, do you guys have a strong emotional bond? Sex is an easy way to connect, so if you're not engaging then you'll have to work even harder to find other ways to build your connection.

I agree with your MC that this is mostly about attraction - there are other ways to satisfy her physical needs if you are motivated to do so. And lots of different toys to do the work for you. The weight thing boggles me too because that is a way to put distance between you but it ultimately hurts her. She's filling the void with food.

Lisa, If something had happened to my H that made him unable to have sex my deep, deep, love for him would have carried me through without a problem. But since that is not the case...

As far as her weight gain goes, she is probably feeling deeply wounded and is using food to comfort herself! And if my H had not announced to me that he did not like sex and never intended to have sex ever again, I would still be sharing a bed with him and having sex with him even if he had gained even more than the 30 or so extra pounds he has gained!

And, yes, even after making this announcement he has cheated at least twice I know of!

I would like to answer your post with a question.

If a friend described your exact situation and asked for your advice, what would you recommend to him or her?

Good point, Blindsided!

Blind - i actually had to think about htat question for a bit. However i do not think my advise would be welcome in my situation. I by nature am a very fair person. And while i have never been the type of person to think that pills are the solution to problems, I would advise to take testosterone medication to help with the lack of sexual desire, but only be willing to do that if she was willing to talk through the issues of her A, and be willing to work on her weight issues.
The reason it would not be welcome in my situation, is she rightfully or wrongfully believes that i am the only one at fault, i am the reason she cheated, and i am the reason she gained the weight.
Call me mean, but i cannot shoulder all the blame and shoulder all the responsibility in making her feel better about herself, and her do nothing to help fix the situation.