I stayed and it's been good! Lots of hoops, trials and tribulations, along with good ol fashioned work, and God.

But if he didn't take full responsibility, show true remorse, show full transparency, and be open to discussion, along with the Good old Lord....doubt it would have worked!

I left here for a while, well I should say, didn't close my account, but felt that I needed to take care of just regular "life", and quit procrastinating things I needed to take care of. So, now I want to keep it a little more in check and balance. Seems we want to reach out so much, and help others, but this place can turn out to be a:
life line,
support group
place to make cyber friends
place to meet new friends even in person
place to go to as needed
and even an "addiction"

So for me, it's now about the balance! Good luck onyx, with your journey! I accepted friendship, lol!

I love this question!

I've stayed.

The journey has hasn't been very pleasant and since coming here in January (I think?), there has even been MORE infidelity! I write about my struggle to leave a lot in my journal. And I'm currently trying to work toward that end goal. I hate the way it sounds, it still scares me, and sometimes I even convince myself he still "might change".

This past week or so, my resolve has been tested since H has been staying home a lot, even playing games with us as a family (!), he doesn't have a cell phone anymore.....

My story may not offer anything tangible to others going through the same except that, you're not alone, and even though my "marriage" is a mess and I have no idea what to do with it yet (like a dead mouse caught in a trap...bad example since there's no emotional attachment to the dead mouse, hopefully you get my meaning anyway) - I'm feeling better.

I'm staying. It's been 3 weeks, H has cut off contact with the OW, he's making an effort to be transparent and work with me and we start counseling next week. All of this is contingent on him keeping the promises he's made since I found out, and another infidelity incident will mean the end. The thought of the end scares the @#$%^ out of me since I've been with him since college, but I also won't be treated like that. I'm still in the emotional crazy house, but it helps that my husband is trying to make an effort.

I stayed but I stopped rebuilding my marriage after 1 1/2. I am rebuilding my career so I can move, along with my bank account, my 401k and my self esteem. He thinks we're fine so it will blindside him when the time comes but I figure we'll be even.

I should clarify. Its been 3 years and I stopped rebuilding my marriage after 1.5 years.

I stayed. I deeply regret not divorcing him when I found out about him. I am working on getting my courage up to file. I also need to come up with some money to start the process.

I wanted to stay and rebuild after DDay 9 months ago, but 3 weeks ago he moved out and we are divorcing. It's not what I wanted but, it's probably for the best. He still has feelings for the OW even though she is rebuilding with her H.

This past week I put my positive attitude in gear and look forward to rebuilding myself. I can't wait for him to come around, nor can I force him to want to stay.

Wow, I'm glad (in a morbid sort of way) to find that others are n similar situations as me.....best of luck all.

i left and have found how interesting life and people are. I was in denial for a long period of time about who and what we were. In all actuality we were really roommate saying we were in a relationship.

I'm glad to know so many other's are in the same denial as I ......Good luck with attempts to rebuild, or walk away.............

P.S. DO NOT LET THE ANGER KILL YOU, OR MAKE YOU BITTER.

I stayed...its had its rough times and its had its good times. shes putting in the work and that makes all the difference. im proud of her on so many different levels. am i still hurt? u betcha but atleast i can see a better future with her and thats something i havent see in years.

Stayed, and finally taking a "theurpudic separation"

I have come to the end of this active addiction. My H has come to realize (as I have) he is a sex addict. He is starting to do the things to take care of his illness finally. We haven't done a proper disclosure with our addiction dr yet, he isn't ready, but I have finally worked on getting healthy myself. If you are unsure if you should stay together and work it out, or leave, don't make a hugh life altering decision like this quckly, or when in a rollercoaster ride. I do believe that the only way I am going to beable to stop the cycle of his cheating, but most of all stop my co-addict behaviour is to just take this separation. We don't label it, I am not free to date (not that I have any intentions of at all regardless) I get to start filtering threw my sickness. Once we do a proper disclosure, I will then take the time to work threw more as I get it, But I have a boundry I've keep. I will not commit to him, marriage, living together, until I've had my Disclosure. I'm done with the trickle effect, I can't do it. I'm tired and I deserve better then that, which took along time to accept. So I"ve stayed for many many years, I'm hoping he will get healthy even if we are at the end.. I have forgiven the cheating and lies and continued acting out, because I deserve to have that freedom. Forgiveness has nothing to do with the one seeking it, and everything to do with the one its asked of. I still feel the feeling when they come along, but I dont' let them control my or anyone else life. I highly suggest taking a theuaputic separtion to anyone. No decsions made yet, work on yourself, then go one day at a time.

Ive been a memeber of DS and this group since Feb 2008. 5 years ago today, I confronted my husband on his affair with his ex-wife. This would have been their wedding anniversary too. He denied it as much as he could until I said turn around we are going back there so I can ask a mother why she would lie to her daughter ect ect.. he had no choice, he had to come clean. 4 years ago I found out about Dawn,

We stayed together.

That choice becomes more clearly "right" for us as time passes, even though the work we are putting in to make things good has gotten tougher. Now we battle our own inner demons and bad habits, though, not each other. Maybe that's why it feels so right? Finally learning to be a team.
".

I HAD to leave. We did the counseling for 8 months when I found out it never ended. I had to for my own self worth, but in the end it wasn't immediate. I filed for divorce6 months later and we lived divorced in the same house another 3 years, until it sold last year.

I can only express my views....I am just sad. It's not working out, but I feel it's what has been dealt to me. I think if I stayed others knowing would be like wtf are you doing? I would have stayed for my kids....personally I think once trust is broken it's hard work or nearly impossible to ever get back. You will always wonder if they are where they say they are. I couldn't live that way. My anxieties are still high. My kids are suffering....nothing good ever comes from something like this....nothing. Kids suffer in way you can't imagine, then the other parent is left picking up the pieces. Perspective becomes skewed and you start questioning everything you do in life, especially when you're a bit older like me.

I can only say, one day one step at a time. You will have setbacks, and it's hard to know that. All I can say is do what you feel right in your gut and for yourself. Much love to you all.

I am staying, for now.. but its still undecided if that makes sense.

I came to DS about 15 months ago, when in January I discovered my husband's affair. The next year was a battle of just surviving really and i went into a depressive state that resulted in being placed on a medication that did not make me feel like myself. I would say my biggest down moment was on Thanksgiving when I ended up in the ER for taking to many sleeping pills-- in all honesty, I was only trying to sleep or hibernate away the pain for an extended amount of hours, I did not want to hurt myself or take my life- but it was an eye opener for me that things needed to change.

After the holidays I told my husband that he needed to leave, I wasn't asking for a divorce- but time to myself, time to heal, and time for him to figure out what the hell he was doing. The other woman moved out of town, and they became "just friends" but the constant calling and texting in our home, was unbearable to me.

So in January I sent him to his mother's in Tennessee, and he has been there ever since. I have to say, it has been the best thing for us, and more importantly me.

I will tell you that my 2012 was a struggle. I would come to boards for support, but it was hard to take criticism or hear "he doesn't love you" or "I wouldn't put up with that" and so on, I could feel that "poor pitiful puppy" look through the computer screen, so I turned to therapists. I went to four different family therapists, and none of them really saw hope for my marriage.

Then in January I told myself, I refuse to let my 2013 being anything like 2012. I made an appointment with my doctor and we changed my anti-depressant from one that made me sluggish and numb, to one that so far seems to be giving me my old sense of self back- I am more myself than I have been in years. I too am focusing on a healthier, happier me. I am enjoying bike rides and taking painting courses and getting to know myself again.

The first month he was gone, we did not talk much, unless necessary. The second month, we fought a lot- I lashed out, he told me I was obsessed with the affair and was punishing him, I felt like I had come to this impasse (sp?) or hurdle that I could not overcome- how can you want to keep someone in your life, who will always be rooting for us to fail? or who caused me, us so much pain? Then this month, we started enjoying our conversations more, our connection is growing and we are hopeful for the future. My husband is open to counseling, and getting assistance to break free of the OW, as he has confided in me that she has threatened to hurt herself if he doesn't give her the attention she wants, and he feels stuck.

I told him not to cross our threshold until he knows what he wants with this marriage. That I refuse to accept hidden phone conversations or text messages between her, and the moment it happens I will seek a new place to live, and move on with my life. I am ready to move on, to put this behind us.

I admit, I probably was obsessed with the affair, and with the other woman. I finally saw a therapist who was only about me, a psychologists, and she helped me to focus on me, and not try to control the situation, or my husband, or anything else. It was a coping mechanism for me to avoid getting hurt again, but it was not something I had any control over.

That has made all the difference. In one week I did a workbook on my own about getting past the affair and opening yourself up to love again, together or apart. I threw away all the books I had on affairs, okay i sold them to Amazon, and instead got a daily devotional on letting go (really for addicts, but its helping with not being controlling) and other books about just me.

Shifting my focus to just me, as been life changing. My husband knows I am ready to walk away from this marriage saying I did everything I could, and it wasn't enough. I don't know how much longer he will be gone, probably at least another month. I am sure he is filled with anxiety over the conversations to follow- but he has agreed to answer any questions I want, to pour out everything and for us to either pick up the pieces or leave them on the floor.

I turn 29 in less than 3 months, and as odd as it seems- its that time in my life, where you put things into perspective. Almost being 30 and having no children, although I can't really say I have the desire yet, but my friends are having babies- it has opened my eyes to a possibility of a life with someone who can love me like I deserve, and my husband may not be able to fulfill that need- and that is okay.

I am sorry for this novel... but sometimes I get embarrassed to say.. I still have hope for my marriage, in a seemingly hopeless situation. My husband has confided in me, and starting opening up on things of where he as at in his life, how he was dealing with the stresses that his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Traumatic Brain Injury all on top of losing his purpose when he became medically retired from the military- 90% disabled veteran. He knows he has let his issues go untreated, and is open to seeking help for that.

As odd as it sounds- even when it was hurtful- my husband has been honest with me since day one, and continues to do so. In the past month we have become more of a team, trying to come out on the other side of this situation still in tact, but also knowing at some point one of us may say it is too much.

He is ready for the fresh start- or so he says, but only time will tell. I am ready to know how it ends- together or not. I am ready for it to be over, behind me and not be the thing that defines me anymore.

Okay again sorry for the novel-- but i appreciate all that DS and everyone has done for me, being there for me on days that were my hardest.

Great Question! I stayed for the first year after discovery but couldn't take it anymore and asked him to leave in January. The anger just continued to build to the point I hated going home and hated putting the kids through the tension. Since separation, I have felt a sense of relief and the air at home is much lighter. Although it is tough on the kids. I am using this time to focus on ME for once and hoped he would be doing the same. I can clearly see that he is not trying to better himself and work on his addiction. So right now, it is all about ME and my kids. That is all that I can do.