@Allora, you said: "Because I do not "know" the OW this may be why I find it hard to "forgive" her."

Your comparison to forgiving your CS and the OW struck a chord with me. I've verbally forgiven both. But when I forgave Gabi, it was in the context of 29 years of marriage with her, and how totally a different person she'd been acting for the previous 7 months, nothing like I'd always known her to be. Admittedly, if I'd discovered she'd been cheating on me for most of our marriage, like one good friend we discovered had happened to, I probably wouldn't have had the foundation there to forgive so easily, and it would have taken longer. But as it was, this was an aberration of the woman I'd been with for over 30 years.

The OM, on the other hand, I'd never met in person. The only contact with him I've had has been through two emails I sent him. The first one I made it clear I forgave him, but stay away from my wife. Granted, for me, that forgiveness didn't mean as much. I can only think about him by what I know, that he chose to develop a relationship with a married woman...how stupid is that? Dumb, dumb, dumb on so many levels, He might as well as have wrestled a pig in the mud and expect himself to come out clean. It's nearly always a dead end street, and you're just asking for heart ache and guilt to eat away at you, acknowledged or not. Anyone wiling to cheat on their spouse is not someone you can trust.

So I feel my forgiveness of him is more academic. Not that it isn't real, but I have no sense of feeling about it other than I knew I needed it for my own spiritual and emotional health and I hoped, probably vainly, that by receiving forgiveness, he might be motivated to straighten himself out and hopefully not do this to anyone else. I even said as much in the second email. But his responses tended to minimize the gravity of what he did, so I doubt it. Saying it was "no big deal, just a mistake," doesn't indicate he's acknowledging the horrific damage he has caused by his action and lack of action to counter my wife's advances, much less realizing the damage he has caused to himself.

My wife is repentant, he is not. My wife has returned back to her right mind, I doubt he feels what he did being all that bad. I forgive because I've done my part, to release any bitterness. But sometimes there is bitterness rising back up, and I forgive again. But I don't have a history with him, so forgiveness is also just a way to set him to the side and make him irrelevant to our rebuilding and journey together. What he did with my forgiveness is not important. For me it is just the fact I gave it, and that is all I have to do.

But yes, forgiveness to Gabi was easier for many reasons, one of which is I always loved her and wanted what is best for her. The affair woke me up to the fact she was lost, and either I helped to rescue her or she'd be lost forever.

Thankfully she responded and committed herself to rebuilding the marriage, and in so doing, showed me how much she actually loved me, by not avoiding the painful tasks for the sake of saving our marriage. She felt I was important enough to go through that, to keep me, and willingly dumped everyone else, even though it was hard for her to do. I certainly felt like my forgiveness was not wasted on her, quite unlike the OM.

It once was noted an affair is equal to a drunk driver killing your loved one. The effect on the heart and soul is just about equal.

How long would it take to forgive such a person, if ever.

A, go back to the 70's this was acceptalbe behavior by the CS to the BS (within an acceptable time frame). Please read up on this.

If a BS feels superior or feels entitled to being able to punish, trample, or abuse their CS, no recovery (personal OR marital) can take place, IMO. It's not even really about "forgiving", it's about human decency and courtesy at that point.

Why would anybody afford decency or courtesy to one that kills the soul. Yes, this was part of forgiving and forgetting and may have prevented the spiraling affairs of today.

Do we toady want all to feely good thus society has become lax in this matter.

Here's the thing, cigarman, I can't really speak for Cole, but the forgiveness of which he speaks really WOULD hold true to someone killing a loved one. As he mentions, he forgave the OM for his OWN peace of mind. I believe that type of forgiveness would be extended to a drunk driver killing a loved one in the same regard.

We all deserve compassion. I believe that heart and soul. This is why I admire people like Cole and Gabrielle so much as they actively display such compassion - for everyone. Like? No. Love? No. But definitely compassion and human decency. That's a gift we give ourselves as much as we give others.

I believe it was in the book, "Not Just Friends" that there was a chapter about the "other person" and how to relate to him or her as "just a person" and not some super-villain in a story. At the time I read the book, I skipped that chapter because I wasn't ready to think of the OW as anything other than a conniving, manipulative, EVIL person.

It may be worth reading at this point. If I could lay my anger and resentment toward the OW to rest, I KNOW I would be a happier person. I just didn't really see how it was even possible until very recently.

And hey... I'm still not sold YET... just willing to think on it and see what I can do with it. It'll be like play-dough in my brain for a few days (weeks, months...) until I can shape it into something more substantial.

Yep, I personally would forgive a drunk driver. Doesn't mean the guy won't suffer the consequences of his action. Nor does it mean I won't hurt over it.

I guess to me, what is the point of holding onto that? Why keep that poison in your soul? Holding it there doesn't change what happened. Wouldn't resurrect my child killed by a drunk driver, nor erase the fact that my wife cheated on me. I could stew in seething hate and anger and prevent any kind of happy future, or I could forgive so I can focus on making the future better.

And, cigarman, it comes through in your post that you have bitterness and lack of emotional healing after all this time. I can't live like that. So much lost life.

Cole and Allora,
OMG I moved from the dark space many decades ago thanks to what I commonly refer to the day of miracles (read my journal) and see my pictures.
I now merely give advice to ones seeking to R or D, either way support. Its the life happiness that what matters post D day whether one stays or leaves.
What I sadly has found is too many regret staying in the relationship decades later, and sadly the CS never knew this fact and the realization life lost without means of recovering lost years and in some cases decades. These people need the help as the soul and body is severely damaged.
Then the ones that left and never recovered wishing they could have rebuilt, these too need support.
Our lord dealt out the lifetime sentence to my EW, as she spiraled down post divorce. To this very day the sentence is being carried out.
My opinion on this matter is that forgiveness was less handed out perhaps cheating/affairs would lessen in our society. If there were more ramifications permitted by society many would look at this activity less favorably. Why history tells us its true.
Thank you for the kind words but a lifetime has passed since the dark days of my life and I moved on.