Infertility Support Group

In vitro fertilization is one of the most common and utilized ways of treating conception problems. This support group is dedicated to those beginning their journey with IVF and needing support. Join the community and share your experiences, advice, and story with people going through similar challenges starting a family.

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albgray 04/28/2008

I know this topic has been discussed on occasion, but I am really struggling with it. We are preparing for our first IVF cycle (June) and I am torn with how much we should share with our family and friends.

Neither my family or DH's know too much about our IF journey. They know we have been TTC and that we are having some "tests" run, but that's about the extent of it. (Fortunately, they don't ask about the details.) It is now official, we are the last in both of our families to have children.

DH and I are fairly private when it comes to "our business". I believe our families would be supportive if they knew what we are going through, but I also don't want to burden them with our IF trials. (It's not like they can "fix" it for us.) For the most part, our family is uninformed and ignorant about the whole IF process and I can't expect them to "get it".

On the other hand, I feel like I am keeping this big "secret" from them and when they ask "how are things going?" I feel like a big liar when I respond with my standard, "...all is well, nothing new."

However, if we are up front with them, I am afraid that it might become too overwhelming for us (trying to explain the details; answer questions, etc.) and that we may regret being too open.

So, I am asking, how much do you share? If you have shared your journey with family and friends, do you regret it?

deleted_user 04/29/2008

I have been thinking about the same thing with our IVF this summer. I am not quite sure how much to say. Both of our families know about our IF struggles and our plans to do IVF, they just don't know exactly when. I think it has been nice to have the support, and for me, they don't really bring it up a ton like we worry about, they pretty much just let me tell them what's going on. So they might surprise you. I guess every family is different though and I agree we have to have some level of self-protection.

theletter12 04/29/2008

We have been ttc for 4 years and I only told my closest girlfriend during that time. She said some pretty insensitive things to me at times not realizing. After 4 years and now facing lots of prenancies in the family I came out of the closet a month ago to my inlaws (MIL and 3 sisters). I came out to one sister who has no children and is about 40. She said some very hurtful things to me - the you are just stressed, it will happen, or you know things happen for a reason..all of things you shouldn't say she said them to me. I was so upset I balled for hours after and vowed not to tell anyone else. Since then of course the topic has come up and she has spread the news to my MIL. And I went through a similar situation with my MIL being insensitive. I have found that none of these people have compassion for our MEDICAL problem and think it is basically nothing. They all have solutions for you too...I emailed that letter that was posted on here yesterday to my MIL...I'm hoping she will see how horrible this is for me. I hope and pray your family will be very sensitive to you unlike my situation. I was going to tell my brother and father but have decided against it because I don't think they will understand or even try.

deleted_user 04/29/2008

We kept it pretty private, I think you and your husband think about it enough that trying to explain it to everyone makes it even harder, especailly if it doesnt work the frist time around, as long as you have the support of your husband, I think that is all you need...no one in our family has ever had a problem getting pregnant, so they could never understand..When I was open about one cycle my phone didnt quit ringing, and all i wanted to do that day was be alone with my feelings and work through it and move on...Just an opinion, take care of you!

deleted_user 04/29/2008

I guess it may depend on your family... we are pretty open and did choose to tell our immediate family and very few close friends (my husband travels and they were helping me with shots). A few of the friends I told had been through IVF- so it was very helpful! This support system helped me stay positive and in the beginning, I asked them to just keep me busy and positive.. and man they came through!! I think you have to tell people that IVF is a huge toll on your emotional and physical- and understanding and positive mojo is all you need from them.
But I do not think this is the way for everyone... trust me! We ended up with a BFP last week and in the 2ww, was the hardest about telling people. I felt like I would disappoint them, but my DH was responsible for calling out the bad news if it had come. But so far so good and only good news has come.
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR IVF!!! I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!! Please write me if you have any questions!
xoxo
missy

turtlegirl 04/29/2008

We don't share anything with my family and my husband talked to his mother when we first got the SA to find out if there was anything in his medical history to help us.

But now we share very little with them.

One of our big issues is the money piece. We are saving away. We do not want help from out parents because we do not want to owe them anything or give them any reason to think they have "ownership" or input in how we raise our child. This is a big concern for me and my family.

Sometimes it is hard and I want to scream, but I know that the outcome would be far worse than holding onto a secret.

And yes, I have spent time in therapy discussing my relations with my parents!

wewantbabe 04/29/2008

My DH and I tell my family everything. It was my mom's opinion to go and talk to a DR about our situation and to see if we could get a SA done. So if she wouldn't have done that, I probably would have just thought everything was fine. My DH's SA came out fine, so it is all me, but my family and his are really supportive. We are Mormon, so in our religion we can get father's blessings and my DH's last one said that the Lord wants us to know that he loves us and to not give up because we have children in Heaven waiting for us. So because they know about our situation then they pray for us and that helps me. They aren't nosy about the whole what happened this month ordeal, which I am grateful for.

Trust your instinct. If you feel like it is time to share your story, then do so. If you don't, that's fine too... it is your decision together. Good luck! I am praying for you!!!

deleted_user 04/29/2008

It's really hard to explain to your family that there's a problem with us and we can't have a baby b/c where we're from people have babies as soon as they get married,so we're odd b/c we waited until my dh was out of the military we figured it would be easier when we got closer to home,plus we were young so everybody would say oh when are ya'll going to have babies,and believe me people still ask that,or whats wrong with you? do you not like kids? and my mom tells me oh their not trying to be insensitive, well yes they are so if it's someone I dont know that well I just say it's a personal matter or private matter then they just talk behind my back LOL,but family I do give details but to those I know I can trust and are not going to be mean or insensitive to me.It does feel better when you have someone you can cry on even if they have no idea what your going thorough they're just there.

deleted_user 04/29/2008

DH and I are open obout our process. We're in the process of IVF now and our immediate family is aware of the injections and what's coming in the next couple of weeks. But we're not giving them details on dates. I have to say that we've been very lucky because our families and close friends have been very supportive. They're not sure how the process works, but they are all praying for us.

It's up to you how much you want to share and you know how your family is. Good luck with everything and hope you get your BFP.

deleted_user 04/29/2008

We were very open with our closest friends and family. It felt good for me to know that there were people out there who I could vent and cry to.

Some were very supportive. Others were not. For those who were not, because of ignorance, we sent them the article that was posted here called "Infertility Etiquette". It really helped.

LoMac 04/29/2008

I think it really depends on your basic personality without IF. For me, I'm very open with my F&F, so going into and through IF and IVF it was only natural for me to share the experience as much as I felt comfortable with and they felt comfortable with. For instance what I share with my vbf is totally different that what I share with my dad, deposit the fact that I still end up sharing more with dad then he really wants. Also for me it was a matter of I realized how much this was going to change DH and I, from my/our emotional and physical state to our schedule. And so the understanding of those I spent time with became crucial. Those few weeks before my ER & ET, when I had gained almost 15 pounds and the timing between trigger and the rest of unknown, my F&F knew and so I didnt have to worry about them wondering what was going on, and the support during and especially after was unbelievable. You do have to field a lot of questions and concern, and there have been times were I didnt want the how are you with that sound in voice or look in eyes, but like I said Im open and able to let them know what I need and want and luckily they are very responsive and respectful. Also as far as our works go, we chosen particular people in which to share there by avoiding the questions and theyve helped me with my cover story when need be.

deleted_user 04/29/2008

At first we told too many people, I feel. And it was hard trying to explain it and then having to tell them when it failed.

As each cycle came and went we told fewer people. My Mom and sisters know, my BF and DF's BF. Other people know we have gone that road, but we chose not to tell them each time we do a cycle. It was too hard (on me especially) having to tell them all it failed and why.

I found that having all the women here to talk to about it helped me a lot. I don't feel the need to tell everyone else what is going on.

Good luck!

deleted_user 04/29/2008

Here is what I did and it was fantastic:

I sent a mass bcc emailed to all my family and the few close friends that I wanted to be informed. I explained our history in very brief bullet points of what we'd done thus far, and what our next step was. Then I ended the email asking that they please pray for us for the emotional and financial strain and to protect our hearts from dissappointment.
THEN each month, the day before we go in for another IUI or whatever, I send out an "update" to that same group.

This accomplished a couple of things for me:
*It kept my family informed cause they DO care and WANT to know
*It educated them breifly without over extending myself sharing all the gory details
*It let them know WHAT I needed and WHAT kind of support I wanted. Afterall, I asked for Prayer for financial and emotional support....NOT a million phone calls and sad looks.

Then, my family can share in this a little bit, and are understanding when I have emotional days, but are otherwise safely "protected" from all the gory details that I don't want to share anyway. So it's support on MY terms.

deleted_user 04/29/2008

we chose to tell our immediate family and a few close friends. for us it was nice to be able to get all there support. it is hard when you are going through something so huge in your life, and to go through it alone in my opiniou would be so much harder. my sister said some hurtful things but in my opinion there will always be at least one person that doesn't know how to be supportive. it has helped so much to just have people to talk to about it, although none of them truly understand what we are going through. that is why i had to find this site so i could talk to people that are going through it and truly understand the struggle. everyone is different and everyone's family is different so everyone has to make the best decision for them. good luck in your journy and what ever you decide. if you have any questions feel free to contact me.

deleted_user 04/29/2008

We too are very private about our "business" but we have shared our struggles with my MIL (my mom passed away 8 yrs ago). And that was something that totally backfired in our faces. So we have told them it is not up for discussion any longer.I have said nothing to my dad because I doubt he would get it. One of my siblings and DH siblings found out thanks to MIL. We were not intending to tell them. We live 400 miles from both our families so thankfully we don't get the questions very often. And when we do, I just tell them that when we have something to share, we'll let them know. I have one friend that I have told and although she has 3 kids and doesn't realy grasp the entire issue, she is a supportive friend and trustworthy as well.
You also shouldn't feel bad for not keeping family in the loop so to speak. This is an extremely stressful situation and it's more about you and your self preservation than your families feelings IMO.

deleted_user 04/30/2008

I chose only to share info with my mom. She is the type of person that will listen and not offer her opinion too much unless I press her for it. Even with that, I usually waited to tell her stuff. Nothing is worse then having to go back and tell people some IF treatment didn't work. Its hard not to share, but I always regretted telling too much, never the other way around. Good luck with your IVF...lots of baby dust to u!

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