A 10 inch boning knife would definately make a point. I know I some times wonder if I had ever been put in the situation where I could have hurt either one of them. Would I have taken advantage of the situation. Would I have been able to inflict pain on them? I don't think I could ever be angry enough to want to hurt some one. Like they were hurting me, even some one who hurt me. Except once my abusive husband slapped me in the face so hard I fell over. I got up and slapped him back. He cried like a baby and said to me "Why did you have to go and do something like that" For one second I thought pay back is a Mother F-------. Then I thought seriously. You hit me and that was ok. But I hit you and the universe turned on its side and thru you off kilter.....And thats not ok. Well I guess it wasn't cause he then put his hands around my throat and choked me till I passed out. When I think of how many times I could have been killed by the exagerated bad behaviors of those who LOVED me. It makes me sick.
I never fought back again.
Some times when I am sitting here and all of this is running thru my head. I start remembering things that I had forgotten. And incident there an incident here and then the whole memory comes flooding back. Then I am suddenly aware. This was not an occational bad day on thier part. It was not a smack here a whipping there. It was a 365 days a year event. That went on for 16 years. And the physical everything from being pulled across a room by my hair. To being thrown down the steps and then being kicked in the stomach while I laid on the floor trying to recover from the fall down the stairs. The closet, the chair. No food. Or medical treatments. The switches, the belt buckles, the slaps the bunches the hitting with any thing in arms length. The ropes, the tape the rapes the lies. That fucking touching. Of all those things that inflicted pain on and in my body. None of them mean a fucking thing to me now. But the words. The words. The denials. People walking in our house and them acting like every thing was just ookie dookie. I have 13 Aunt and Uncles. I had 4 grandparents. Many many teachers, neighbors. How in the hell in 16 years did not one of those people ever feel like they should just say what the hell is going on here. How could so many people not come to my rescue. When my sister beat me. My mom called the school and told them I had been in an accident and I would be missing some days till I recovered. I went back to school with black eyes and bruised arms and legs a busted open lip. And not one f------official in that school even asked me what happened. That is how it was thru out my entire childhood. No one ever asked me about my injuries. No one ever asked me why I had so much trouble sitting down at my desk or sitting still. (pain) No one asked me why I was always falling asleep at my desk. Afraid to go to sleep at night. So many people could have done so many things
But the words still echo in my mind and in my heart.

It amazes me how nobody wants to rock the boat or how people choose to ignore what we know to be obvious signs of abuse. In high school every time I used to have gym class and was going to have to group shower I would get a nose bleed and have to go to the nurses office. I had the highest score in the school on my SATs yet I was in peril of not graduating because of my grades. Missing classes because I forgot what classes I had that day.

They not only don't want to rock the boat. They don't even want to put it in the water. Over the years when I talked to other family members about my own situation. They would say oh yeah I remember when he did that your cousin Pammy. Or your Aunt. There ended up being so many females in the family that it was staggering. And all I can ever think is why did no one in this family ever try to stop him.He was in his 60s when he was abusing my nieces. Even though my sister was well aware of what he had done to us. She still allowed him to have unsupervised time with her daughters What was she thinking? He grew out of it. He got smart and stopped. He would never do that to her daughters. He was her dad after all. I am just so tormented by the thought process of people who know it is happening and find a reason not to see it for what it is.
At the least people will hate you for opening your mouth, at the most you may save a childs life. Why is that such a hard decision for people.

Some of those same people would not hesitate to call the ASPCA if they saw you kick your dog. WTF

Unlike you SMRK, if I had the chance to hurt them I would, and a 10 inch boning knife is a GREAT point..LOL.

Thats just my sick ass though. I have been though a lot, Im just glad I didnt fuck up at an early age. Now I have time to think, and am old enough to take care of myself.

Tyler- i like the whole point thing. Made me smile , thanks. I like the idea of having time to work things out. I know I have been thinking that coming and writing what ever comes in to my thoughts about all of this. Has helped me to work some things out. So I guess I will keep on writing and sharing and hope to find some more answers.

Go for it. It helps me to take my sick thought and write them down. So its not a dirty secret anymore. It feels good. Now I just have to keep me from doing it...LOL. I think I will make it though, and so will all of us!

How the hell does someone deal with a mother and father like that. i am so sorry.

Thats cuz SMRK is a warrior! She is still standing, aint nothing going to take her down!

Oh my I don't know about being a warrior. I sure don't feel like one. Sometimes I actually feel like I have been taken down a long long time ago. But I have been there for so long and it has become such a big part of who I am. I don't even realize it. That I am there. That is the norm. That is my reality. There is no coming back up and beyond the pain and the damage. Because that is who I am. That is who I have been since I was a small child. And maybe, just maybe I am still that small child. Waiting for some one to wrap there safe and protective arms around me and tell me every thing will be okay. I sometimes ask my self. Are you really doing okay. Are you really staying ahead of the pain. Or are you on some kind of auto-pilot. And you just keep plying away because that is all you have ever known. Trying to survive. Trying not to die.
I some times think I am the weakest of the weak. And there have been times when I have convinced my self that if I just stopped. Stopped thinking, stop caring, stop trying. Would I be any more hurt or any more damaged then I am right now. no i wouldn't. I can't be more damaged. I have learned since I was small enough to have memories how to be an expert at being damaged and to always present my self as if every thing is okay. Cause doing other wise meant pain. I learned how to say hi with a smile and to say yes mam with a smile. And to make others feel like all was well in our house. I learned how to be a victim and I learned how to not disclose it. Sometimes when I think about how screwed up I am inside. When I think about how empty I am because I am missing my healthy childhood. I lost the biggested part of me. Some where in the dark of hiding trying to be safe. I lost the biggest part of me.....And i have never been able to find that little girl who crawled under beds and hid behind doors and laid on the gravel in the garage hidden by the car. Because I wanted to stay alive. I wanted to be happy. To laugh and be carefree. And to go thru one whole day without crying. Some where in the darkness that was my reality? Is that little girl still hiding. And until she comes out and lets someone hug her and tell her everything will be okay, I will forever be asking the same questions and be on the same journey. But as long as I can put one foot in front of the other and know with out any doubt, that as screwed up as i am. I DID NOT CAUSE THIS....I can be happy with having come as far as I have come, even if that is still being stuck way back there.
And the most rewarding thing about being able to come here and say it, say it all and not sugar coat it or make it seem less then it was. Is I don;t have to fucking hide any more. I get to come on the open and say look what they did to me and look I'mstill alive and I'm still breathing. THEY DIDN"T WIN.....I DID!!!

(tears) As a mother, this continues to dumbfound me and yet I've heard similar stories all over this site. It makes me so angry. I haven't confronted my abusers and haven't asked my mother how much she knew...This scares the hell out of me. My heart goes out to you. You deserve so much better. I hope you are able to free yourself from them and find peace for yourself.

I was absolutely terrified the day I sat down with my mom. But I had made up my mind. ThatI was going to have an answer. Becasue I was not going to spend the rest of my life wondering why she didn't stop it. The answer of course devistated me and still does. It didn't fix anything or undo anything. But on my journey to healing it was one more question answered. One less doubt. What if she hadn't done any thing to stop it because it was my fault. Because I caused it. As a child and thru out my teens. That was the thing that was making me crazy. The what if. So when she answered. I knew then I HAD NOT CAUSED THIS!! And that was the most important part of my healing.

I just read and responded to a young lady who is reaching out for the first time. And it made me stop and think when was the first time I ever uttered the words to another human being. That my father raped me. I had to actually stop and think about it for a minute. Another aspect of the abuse I was not aware I had hidden away some where in my memories. I was 16 I had attempted suicide. In the hospital a therapist sat down with me and asked me why I did what I did to hurt myself. And I told her to make it all stop. It was the only way I knew how to make it all stop. And she said stop what. I nearly choked trying to get those words out. but once they were out and through a waterfall of tears I looked up at her eyes. I think it was the first time in my life I remember thinking OMG somebody cares. I am so used to talking about the abuse. I am so used to trying to talk it out. I had actually forgotten. How how frightened I was the moment I got brave enough to say it out loud for the first time.

I think I have figured out why all of this has come to surface and pushed my grieving down somewhere way below. Can a person grieve having lost their childhood. Have lost and got to experience their innocence?
There is one aspect of the abuse I endured from husband. I think because it was of a sexual nature. When I started trying to cope with it and how I felt about when he died. All this other stuff jumped up and took its place. Because of all the abuse I have suffered and faced and dealt with. This is the one thing I have not allowed myself to feel what I really need to feel about it. Because i think it will hurt to much So why can I look at my childhood abuse and talk about it. But this thing is like a monster in my head and it scares the hell out of me. I thought I was well past having anything that I could feel safe about exposing...

O.K. SMRK - Re-read your own words in your reply #55 and read it well, because THIS is your Warrior Heart speaking.

We are so unbelievably similar - age and emotion wise, the only difference Darling, is you have yet to find your little one and love her as you want to....

and I have yet to muster the massive amount of courage which you took to confront your mother....you warrior woman you!

In a way, just putting that into words will set something in your subconcious spinning - and it will weave into symbols you will recognise.

I'm not sure if it's for everyone, but I first met my other selves under hypnosis. It's a massively long story and it took me more than a decade to figure most of out.

See Story of Six - which I will post in a min in an attempt to explain.


But trust me, you have the Warrior Heart, you have the Pure Innocent child and you have us. (((((((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))).