mate can i join the queue of all thos of us who want to punch the shit out of your callous cruel selfish mother...she doesnt bloody deserve the title mother if she can put herslef above the needs of her child...PURE FUCKING EVIL...

yours

manda xxx

Cool picture SMRK. My mom wasn't all religious or even physically abusive like beating me. She was vacant and always on something. Sometimes I wonder if she even knew what she was doing while she was doing it. My aunt is great though. Like the best mom ever. I wish everyones mom could be like her. It sucks when people get stuck with moms like ours.

I also had an Aunt. She was 5'2" and she hell on wheels. She was always there telling me that it was not my fault the things my mom would do to me. She would always try to make it better.
When my Mom was in her late 50's she started showing signs of Alzhiemers. She had it for 15 years. I was her legal guardian and took care of her for the last 7 years. I was kind and patient with her. I sat by bed for 2 days while she was dying. And I knew that she there but not there in her head. I told her how everything that occured in my youth effected me as i was growing up and as an adult. And I told her that I forgave her for all the damage she caused. And I told her I was doing that for me, not her. She had 6 children. I was the only one who visited her in the nursing home and the only one with her when she died. And what all of that says to me, is that she tried to destroy me as a person. And she failed. And I derive more pleasure form that any thing I have experienced in my life.

SMRK - that was beautiful.

I am trying to care for my ageing hell-bitch-mother, long distance at the moment, though my toes curl at the thought of even weekly phone calls.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to stay the distance. She is sharp as a razor and the women in our family just go on and on for ever. Even the chain-smokers live to their 90's. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to play the dutiful daughter unless she starts admitting some culpability.

I admire you for self-respect, because I think that is how you must have managed to forgive.

What a sick bitch.

I don't care for my mother. I can forgive her for what she did 30 years ago when my father was around, but until she acknowledges what my father (he died 10 years ago) did I have no desire to have any contact with her at all. She doesn't deserve the title of 'mother'. My aunt (her sister-in-law) actually asked me not to say anything to my cousins (all in their 40's) because they had held a high regard for my father that she didn't want changed.

Breaking.. High reguard...OMG what the f... is wrong with people. My sister who was abused by my father for years before he moved onto me. Had to have therapy to over come it. Allowed her 2 daughters to spend their weekends with their grandfather. I was not aware she was doing this. Until my niece told me she had a secret to tell me. When she devulged that her grandfather was touching her in places that made her uncomfotable. I immidiately went to my sister. She said she would deal with it. She called him and threatened to kill him. Then she forbid to allow my nieces to see him. I moved out of the area and lost track of what had happened. When I asked her what she had done. She said she sat down and talked to her daughters and asked them what they wanted to do. They being 6 and 9 said to just forget about and let it go. I asked her if she ever got them therapy. She said they didn't want to talk about it. I have not spoken to my sister in 6 years.
When he was dying she wanted to know if i was going to see him. I said why so I can spit on him. She said because he is your dad. Theres the person I wanted to punch in the face...

She (they all) tried to destroy you as a person, but FAILED. You are awesome and I love the deep truth of that statement. I am starting to feel pride in the reality that I really did raise myself in some seriously messed up circumstances...and I AM FINE. They are crazy, selfish jerks.

I am so sorry for your painand I admire your strength and compassion. I am so filled with rage for you and me and everyone here. What the hell is wrong with these people? Who sacrafices their children because they are too cowardly to face their own crap? I would walk through fire before I ever let my kids feel a glimmer of what has been inflicted on us. And they don't even flinch at at the horror of it all.... I hope you find support here and that you come out clean on the other side of this.

As I continue to follow this thread, I find that you are so much better than me as a person.

My brother could get hit by a car in front of me and I would stop and hope he died. Same with my sister that "adores" the idea of having him as her brother. ( he abused her too) I guess my being raped for years and mentally abused by him mattered not.

I guess her "performing" for him didn't bother her so much. Hmmm, then again her jealousy and resentment for me became so obvious when she chose to pursue a relationship with him after Mom died. ( btw my mother wanted to shove a knife in his chest, after she learned what he did)

I guess that what they mean by payback uh?

I would step over them both and wait patiently for them to suffer and lose all I have. Don't care how, who or why. Just want to see the obit. I am ok with it but do admire you and others that do as you have done regardless of th epain she caused.

No comment about the sister situation- need to re-group now.

Here's to journeying on towards peace one and all!!!

I'm sorry for what you went through, but I do envy your anger. The anger you expressed seems very healthy. It is so hard for me to feel that anger because I buried it so deep in order to survive. There are parts of me that hold the anger, but it is hard to feel it in a healthy way. I tend to turn it on myself. It does help to remember how I felt as a child, how terrified of my father I was and how much I hated my life. My mother knew what my father did and would leave the room so she wouldn't have to watch. I expect that she was afraid of him, but when he hit her she left him for a while. She was willing to protect herself, but not me. I definately got the message that I was not worth protecting. It seems like I should have rage and parts of me do, but it is hard to access it in a healthy way.

loum50....Thank you for your response. I feel like I need to say something to you and the others. You said you envied my anger. The thing is, I really don't feel anger any more. I write it out the way it happened and at one point there was a mountain of anger. But now when I think about it or talk or write about. I am very at peace with it in my heart. I think I allowed my self to go thru the process of understanding and excepting that I did not do this to my self. I did not cause it or keep it going or condone it. But I did have to except it for what it was. The past. If I have any anger now. It is at my self for allowing my self to spend the last 5 years with one of the most hateful and hurtful men on the planet. Knowing that I had already been there all those years ago. Knowing it was only going to get worse. Knowing I needed to get a way. But telling my self I was trapped and believing I had been primed for the abuse when I was young. Like I was expected to take it because I had been taught to think that way a long time ago. I believe the biggest damage my parent did to me. Was they taught me how to be a vitim. I learned the lessons well and I became very good at it. Okay now my head is just going to blow up!!!!

Banshie...Honey I am not so much better then you as a person. If my mother was laying in the road having beem hit by a car. I would not have called 911. I would stood and stared at the mayhem with the crowd. The only thing maybe different. I would not have pushed her in front of the car or ran over her myself. But I would not habe come to her aide. I think the reason I took care of her all those years and held her hand while she was dying. I was hell bent on making sure she knew she had not won. I was hell bent on her dying with the knowledge that she did not distroy me. No one else showed up for her and I am certain she expected that. She did not expect me to rise above her shit and do what a decent human being with a consience would do. So I am hoping that her last concious thought was. What a fucking jerk I am.

I just read my own post...And I guess I was wrong...I guess I am fooling my self...There is a crap load of anger......

to SMRK - LOL

:-)

LOL!! I find myself doing the same thing, but not just with anger. You are in good company!!!