Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years now and we’re due to get married next year. The sex was amazing when we first got together and we were both always up for it but not my girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me. It got gradually less and less after the first 6 months to the point where we have fooled around twice this year but not actually had sex at all. My girlfriend has experienced sexual abuse in the past both as a child and again as a teenager and she faces a lot of issues around having sex due to this and is waiting to speak to someone about it. She says that she does want to get back to the way things were but she’s not sure it ever will. I try to be supportive of the situation and would never want her to feel pressured into anything. All other aspects of our relationship are brilliant we get on so well together and I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with her but I just feel so alone just now. We aren’t physically intimate with each other at all and whenever we do kiss or cuddle I’m always the one to initiate it. My self esteem has taken a big hit and I feel and I feel undesirable and not fancied by my own girlfriend. I don’t have any one I can speak to about it as these aren’t just my issues to share so wouldn’t want to talk to my friends and I can’t talk to her about anything to do with sex without her getting upset as she thinks I’m going to leave her and it’s all her fault no matter how many times I try to reassure her I don’t think that. I feel so guilty for feeling this way as I know she can’t help it I just want to feel wanted again. I want to be able to support her but I feel gutted that we are at this stage in our relationship.
As much as you love your girlfriend (and I'm sure you do), you really have to ask yourself if you are willing to spend the next 10, 20, 50 years of your life in a sexless relationship. What about children? Do you wish for a family?
I'm not saying you should leave her, not at all. But this needs to be addressed now - before you get married. If not, this will lead to a lifetime of resentment.
Another thing to consider here. The key to a successful marriage is communication. If you can't communicate to resolve this issue and use to avoidance tactic (we just don't talk about it because he/she gets so upset), what are you going to do when other upsetting issues come up. When a couple doesn't effectively communicate, emotional distance is created and walls are built. This growing apart is completely counter to marriage.
I think this is an excellent opportunity for you and your girlfriend so see just will weather the rest of your lives together. If as a couple, you can pull together, get counseling/therapy/spiritual counsel/whatever and resolve this issue, you have a great chance to have a wonderful and happy marriage.
If you don't, I think you will find yourself lonely, unhappy and resentful. How you address and resolve this problem sets the tone for your entire marriage.
Good luck,
It is hard enough to make a marriage work over a period of decades even if you don't start out with sexual incompatibility problems.
Work with her on this problem, be supportive, etc. But do not get married until you feel that you have moved beyond it. Your guy is telling you this. Ignore it at your own peril.