Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
I know this is the Healthy Sex support group, and impotence and senior dating have their own groups, but I wish I'd known more about this before I was blindsided by it with my partner. It's been a massive struggle for both of us. I hope that sharing this might be some use. If you're a 'pass the sick bucket' type at the idea of over 50s having sex you might want to step away now.
I was 52 and my partner was 62 when we met. I was very naive about impotence before I met him. I thought it was something that happened to a few, very old men, at least aged 80 or older. The wheelchair-bound husband in Lady Chatterlys Lover was impotent so his wife was unfaithful with the young gardener. I saw articles about 90 year olds becoming fathers. A middle aged friend's father was 75 and in sitting a wheelchair when she was conceived with his much younger girlfriend. My own father told me when he was about 70 that he 'could keep going for much longer now' and that my mum 'didn't seem to mind'! All I'd heard was that it could take older men a bit longer before they could do it for a second time! Even now when I know so much more I'm confused by statistics that say '40% of men over 40', '50% of men over 60', '60% over 75' when in real life some men say that 'lots of over 70s can still get it up' and others say 'in his 60s he's lucky he can get it up at all'.
Aged 63 my partner's words to me were 'I sometimes have a bit of a problem, but that's normal for men my age' and in my innocence I smilingly said it's ok, we can do other things. I had no concept of what that would mean and the toll it takes on you both when you both really do want real sex and it goes soft AGAIN, or he gets it in and it goes soft within 30 seconds, no orgasm involved.
People have strange concepts regarding Viagra too! They think it actually gives men the desire even if they aren't interested. They think that it gives them a continuous erection for hours and hours even when they aren't having any sexual contact. You see jokes on TV of men walking round with a hardon at work because their mates spiked their coffee. It doesn't do that, it doesn't work on its own, the men still need some stimulation to get hard, and they'll still go soft after sex or if the stimulation stops. All Viagra does is make the erection last while sex or stimulation is happening by stopping the blood leaving the penis. And even that won't work if the man doesn't want sex.
I wish we were all more open and better informed about impotence and its treatment, and that it didn't have this stigma attached to it. Then men wouldnt feel like failures or be too embarrassed to get it checked out by the doctor, as so often there is an undiagnosed medical reason causing it. Then women fresh back in the dating pool in their 50s, anticipating the same 'new relationship' sex we'd had in the past, wouldn't be quite so blindsided by things having changed so much. Lots of older women are more interested in the friendship side of relationships, but lots of women do still like sex, especially as part of a new relationship. My experience of younger men was that they were ever ready and unstoppable, and that made me feel attractive and sexy. I wasn't prepared at all for how old and frumpy I would feel just because a man didn't get an erection with me. Too much pressure on the man, but deep ingrained attitudes.
My girlfriends are a many-and-varied mixture, some married 30 years, some single and dating, some single and not dating, some living with partners and some like me in a live-out relationship, but we're all in our 50s and early 60s. When this subject comes up as it often does (no, chaps, contrary to popular belief, women do still think and talk about sex a lot), we say how unprepared some of us were for the changes. It's the friends in the long term marriages who seem to cope better, maybe because familiarity leads to boredom and because it's been a more gradual process. One of my 59 year old single friends still says it's all a matter of the woman's technique, and that no man would need Viagra with her! But she's been on her own for 10 years!
We all need to be more prepared for what nature might throw at us, I know I wish I had been
I was 52 and my partner was 62 when we met. I was very naive about impotence before I met him. I thought it was something that happened to a few, very old men, at least aged 80 or older. The wheelchair-bound husband in Lady Chatterlys Lover was impotent so his wife was unfaithful with the young gardener. I saw articles about 90 year olds becoming fathers. A middle aged friend's father was 75 and in sitting a wheelchair when she was conceived with his much younger girlfriend. My own father told me when he was about 70 that he 'could keep going for much longer now' and that my mum 'didn't seem to mind'! All I'd heard was that it could take older men a bit longer before they could do it for a second time! Even now when I know so much more I'm confused by statistics that say '40% of men over 40', '50% of men over 60', '60% over 75' when in real life some men say that 'lots of over 70s can still get it up' and others say 'in his 60s he's lucky he can get it up at all'.
Aged 63 my partner's words to me were 'I sometimes have a bit of a problem, but that's normal for men my age' and in my innocence I smilingly said it's ok, we can do other things. I had no concept of what that would mean and the toll it takes on you both when you both really do want real sex and it goes soft AGAIN, or he gets it in and it goes soft within 30 seconds, no orgasm involved.
People have strange concepts regarding Viagra too! They think it actually gives men the desire even if they aren't interested. They think that it gives them a continuous erection for hours and hours even when they aren't having any sexual contact. You see jokes on TV of men walking round with a hardon at work because their mates spiked their coffee. It doesn't do that, it doesn't work on its own, the men still need some stimulation to get hard, and they'll still go soft after sex or if the stimulation stops. All Viagra does is make the erection last while sex or stimulation is happening by stopping the blood leaving the penis. And even that won't work if the man doesn't want sex.
I wish we were all more open and better informed about impotence and its treatment, and that it didn't have this stigma attached to it. Then men wouldnt feel like failures or be too embarrassed to get it checked out by the doctor, as so often there is an undiagnosed medical reason causing it. Then women fresh back in the dating pool in their 50s, anticipating the same 'new relationship' sex we'd had in the past, wouldn't be quite so blindsided by things having changed so much. Lots of older women are more interested in the friendship side of relationships, but lots of women do still like sex, especially as part of a new relationship. My experience of younger men was that they were ever ready and unstoppable, and that made me feel attractive and sexy. I wasn't prepared at all for how old and frumpy I would feel just because a man didn't get an erection with me. Too much pressure on the man, but deep ingrained attitudes.
My girlfriends are a many-and-varied mixture, some married 30 years, some single and dating, some single and not dating, some living with partners and some like me in a live-out relationship, but we're all in our 50s and early 60s. When this subject comes up as it often does (no, chaps, contrary to popular belief, women do still think and talk about sex a lot), we say how unprepared some of us were for the changes. It's the friends in the long term marriages who seem to cope better, maybe because familiarity leads to boredom and because it's been a more gradual process. One of my 59 year old single friends still says it's all a matter of the woman's technique, and that no man would need Viagra with her! But she's been on her own for 10 years!
We all need to be more prepared for what nature might throw at us, I know I wish I had been
-
So mad at Xfinity! They're trying to charge me $115 per month for the same service I had been paying $50 the last four years. I took the equipment to UPS for shipping and cancelled my subscription today! Next door was a cookie shop called Crumbl. I had heard of it before but never went in until today. I don't need one more sugar fix, but maybe it will help with my sad) grieving heart....$15...
-
check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
Your statistics are about spot on too.
For as long as I can remember Men have been expected to be MEN! Not have any weekness at all and there for never admit to having any sexual weekness that would require help or medical treatment.
Truth be told that there are a ton of things that cause ED and PE and a good portion of both of those issues are pchycological ! Sure diabetes, heart problems, circulatory problems, and many otehr diseses can cause ED. SO dose self worth, self loathing, depression, and physical attributes such as overweight and obesity. Many men give up on the idea of sex and just want a partner/friend to spend time with do to the degrading feeling of not being able to performe. Kill a mans Ego and you kill the man so to speak.
Also many men are out right liars about anything sexual and tend to bost them selves up to prove there manhood even if they are not capable of pleasing a woman.
Viagra and cialus are both just like you described in your post and it still takes stimulation to get it hard and keep it that way. There is only one way I have read about to excite a man every time to the point of erection and that is through prostrate stimulation and to be honest MOST men will not let you do that so I would say your friend is bosting untruth about her skills.
Men are every bit as complicated being as women are, the only difference that I know is that men dont like to talk about things and keep a lot of secrets when it comes to stuff that threatens their manhood.
Very well written post and I wish I had answers for you. :(
I've already told my daughters what can happen in later years and told them to enjoy it all while they can.
My partner is really understanding about the possibility of issues arising and works with me to make it work. It dose take two people to make a good love life anyway and if one cant get over their ego then its never going to work.
Best of luck to you.
my 2 cents
Thanks for your thoughts jekelhyde, that's good to know for later on :) it seems that a lot of much younger guys in their 20s and 30s are taking it now, as another of its effects is that it delays orgasm so they can keep going for longer. A boon for the guys with PE. It's interesting that they are much more open about using it and suffer less embarrassment than older men. Maybe because they are using it to enhance their abilities rather than trying to fix something they see as 'broken' - my partners word, not mine. So maybe by the time they hit their 60s it'll be an automatic thing to do.
There's an attitude surrounding older people in relationships. When I told my son that I'd started seeing my partner and that he was 9 years older than me he said 'ah yes, I expect he wants a companion' Then he saw the look on my face and added, 'or maybe not, ah well, fair enough, pop a pill and away you go'. But his first assumption was that we were companions. Maybe because he understood more about the workings of nature than I did at that time. Or maybe just because no son wants to imagine his mother actually still does anything except knit, make jam and potter in the garden lol.
As of today I will not bring up sex again. I will let him figure this out. I will not add any more pressure and will just let go of our sex life.
I don't think men should feel ashamed. It is worst when they fail to talk about it with their partners. I have a male friend who tells me he has sex three times a day with his woman. I asked him how he is able to do that. He said he just can. I don't know if I believe him.
It's quite common for men to have sex at least 3 times a day.
Also there are some who can have sex for up to 8 straight hrs.
Viagra for sex was found accidently while scientists were trying to make medicine for something else.
The men who tested the men realized they had a little more sexenergy
I had a friend may he Rip. He was 80 yrs old & wantin sex from his wife 3 - 5 times a day. He didn't use sexual stimulents, He was healthy, The only thing he took daily was CoQ10 vitamin supplents..