Healthy Sex Support Group
This community is dedicated to an open discussion about healthy sex and sharing thoughts and feelings about sexuality and improving one's sex life. Most active adults desire to have an active and fulfilling sex life, both for themselves and also their partner. Here we discuss common sexual challenges faced by both men and women.
Hi all,
I would really appreciate some advice right now. I'm so upset and don't know what to do. Has anyone had experience with this?
My boyfriend and I (I am 23 y/o, he is 26 y/o) have been together for two and a half years. We have lived together for just over six months. We used to have sex every day, and that has turned into maybe twice a week, if I'm lucky. I have a really high sex drive and could do it multiple times a day if given the opportunity.
However.
Shortly after we moved in together, my boyfriend started turning down sex because he didn't want it to become "routine". Understandable. This is the point where my self confidence started to fall. Obviously sex has already become "routine" if he has to turn it down "just in case it become routine". I tried so many things to spice it up. I'd try to initiate it as soon as he got home from work, or in the kitchen, or in the shower, first thing in the morning, wear sexy lingerie, talk dirty, new positions, kinky stuff, watching porn together, everything I could think of. Nothing really helped.
Soon I discovered that my laptop (which he uses regularly) showed evidence of porn use, not by me. Pop-ups left up, history mysteriously deleted, etc. After a few months I've really realized how much porn he actually watches (every day with few exceptions), and it makes me so upset. I asked him to stop using my laptop, so he did (for the most part) and switched to watching it on his iPad. I'm so messed up from this that when I get home from work every night I sneakily check his history on his iPad (I'm ashamed to say this) to see if he's watched porn today. He always has. I don't even know why I do it because it just makes me feel worse. Because the majority of the time, I try to initiate sex and he's just not interested.
I get it. Guys watch porn. Guys masturbate. It's what they do. But what really upsets me is that he is CONSTANTLY shutting me down for sex, always coming up with some reason ("oh, my balls hurt today", "I'm too tired", "I'm not in the mood at nighttime" or my favorite "I'll save my cum for a few days so I can have a big load later" (he watched porn less than an hour after that once I left for work). But I feel like I'm being replaced. I feel like he's in a regular sexual relationship with his hand, and just has maintenance sex with me to keep me around.
It's gotten to the point where I come home from work, check his iPad, and cry. All the time. Because I don't know what to do. I feel absolutely horrible about myself. I've brought it up before to him, saying that I know he watches a lot of porn, and is there anything I can do to make sex better for him? And he gets really defensive, says we have plenty of sex, and that every guy watches porn, and there's nothing I can do to make our sex life better, it's perfectly fine, and he's satisfied.
But it's not perfectly fine. I keep trying to tell myself when he shuts me down that maybe his sex drive just isn't as high as mine, but that goes out the window once I see that he watched porn as soon as I left for work. I don't understand! Is this a lost cause? I keep flip-flopping between showing no interest in sex because I'm upset with him (but can't tell him why because I won't ever admit I snooped), and being overly sexual to try to "tire him out" so he doesn't watch porn later. Nothing is working and I'm at my wits end. Is this just a natural side effect of moving in together?
Any advice would be very appreciated. :/
I would really appreciate some advice right now. I'm so upset and don't know what to do. Has anyone had experience with this?
My boyfriend and I (I am 23 y/o, he is 26 y/o) have been together for two and a half years. We have lived together for just over six months. We used to have sex every day, and that has turned into maybe twice a week, if I'm lucky. I have a really high sex drive and could do it multiple times a day if given the opportunity.
However.
Shortly after we moved in together, my boyfriend started turning down sex because he didn't want it to become "routine". Understandable. This is the point where my self confidence started to fall. Obviously sex has already become "routine" if he has to turn it down "just in case it become routine". I tried so many things to spice it up. I'd try to initiate it as soon as he got home from work, or in the kitchen, or in the shower, first thing in the morning, wear sexy lingerie, talk dirty, new positions, kinky stuff, watching porn together, everything I could think of. Nothing really helped.
Soon I discovered that my laptop (which he uses regularly) showed evidence of porn use, not by me. Pop-ups left up, history mysteriously deleted, etc. After a few months I've really realized how much porn he actually watches (every day with few exceptions), and it makes me so upset. I asked him to stop using my laptop, so he did (for the most part) and switched to watching it on his iPad. I'm so messed up from this that when I get home from work every night I sneakily check his history on his iPad (I'm ashamed to say this) to see if he's watched porn today. He always has. I don't even know why I do it because it just makes me feel worse. Because the majority of the time, I try to initiate sex and he's just not interested.
I get it. Guys watch porn. Guys masturbate. It's what they do. But what really upsets me is that he is CONSTANTLY shutting me down for sex, always coming up with some reason ("oh, my balls hurt today", "I'm too tired", "I'm not in the mood at nighttime" or my favorite "I'll save my cum for a few days so I can have a big load later" (he watched porn less than an hour after that once I left for work). But I feel like I'm being replaced. I feel like he's in a regular sexual relationship with his hand, and just has maintenance sex with me to keep me around.
It's gotten to the point where I come home from work, check his iPad, and cry. All the time. Because I don't know what to do. I feel absolutely horrible about myself. I've brought it up before to him, saying that I know he watches a lot of porn, and is there anything I can do to make sex better for him? And he gets really defensive, says we have plenty of sex, and that every guy watches porn, and there's nothing I can do to make our sex life better, it's perfectly fine, and he's satisfied.
But it's not perfectly fine. I keep trying to tell myself when he shuts me down that maybe his sex drive just isn't as high as mine, but that goes out the window once I see that he watched porn as soon as I left for work. I don't understand! Is this a lost cause? I keep flip-flopping between showing no interest in sex because I'm upset with him (but can't tell him why because I won't ever admit I snooped), and being overly sexual to try to "tire him out" so he doesn't watch porn later. Nothing is working and I'm at my wits end. Is this just a natural side effect of moving in together?
Any advice would be very appreciated. :/
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I know this is stupid, but after not being able to find a job after graduation for almost two years, I ended up just taking an online teaching job because I couldn't find anything in my field. I was trying to get out of teaching and I feel so devastated. I felt this crushing feeling when I signed the paperwork and when I was in the meetings. I know that sounds so dramatic but it is how I felt. It...
If I find out a man is porn-addicted, especially to the sicker stuff, that's it. I'm gone.
is no good for a relationship or a healthy mind.
I don't like video games, I think it's weird when I see adults spendin all day on them .
I never expected real women to be like porn stars, although I know some that do most of what porn stars do. porn should only be done in moderation too & only if accepted by both partners..
I know that there are lots of men opposed to masturbating without porn because it makes them feel strange to do it without looking at a girl. unfortunately, with the ease of accessing porn in modern days, its just isn't the same way as it used to be. (seriously, am I the only one that likes a masturbation session to be like a self love session?) it isn't actually the arousing of the porn, it is just something to have on during release.
however, that being said, porn every day is way too excessive while being in a relationship. honestly, I think it is excessive even for a bachelor! I definitely think that it needs to be addressed.
also, a little tid-bit to throw out. is it a certain kind of porn? could you perhaps make some of your "own" with the 2 of you in a similar style? would you be more content knowing that he was looking at you and him together even part of the time?
It's still porn with the 'juicy scenes' but has actual stories to them.
They're not like the wam bam ty ma'am usual porn.
SO for those of you that like to watch it with your ladies who don't like the 'norm porn'. Check em out.
Adam & Eve sells some of those as many other company's do...
Not saying it's entirely bad; it's OK once in awhile to spice up life and improve our scenery when we're dreadfully bored. I'm just saying if a fella wants a real relationship, gotta put the effort in, get out there and talk to a real-life honey!
Their ads are found in many places,You can get their paper catalogue mailed to yours or your neighbors home.lol.or buy from them online.
Adam&Eve.com
You can get your quiet girlfriend from there too Kooldude..
She never says NO.LOL
If she liked sex before ya got hitched & maybe for awhile afterward,
something changed to reduce the desire.
Koolman Andrew Blake puts out some good stuff too, I do agree on that .
.