Before you knew her, there was a relationship she had with him. So you knew going into this that they had a friendship. Every human has a past, every human has baggage of some kind. Accept it or don't accept it and move on. Figure out if your marriage is rock solid or not. Her helping her ex is not the problem unless he is her primary relationship or they are sexual (unless you are okay with it). Meaning he comes first in everything and has her first attention. Above you, above her kids. Where do you come in this? If he comes first, her kids come second, her animals third, her job fourth, and you fifth, this is a problem for you unless you are okay with this. She might not be your first attention, either. What comes first for you? If your job is first, your kids second, and she is third, then you guys have established a pattern. If it works for you guys, that is fine. If you want different then you have to figure out how to get there. Communicate with her, not to accuse but to express your needs and desires for the relationship to be. This man may just be her best friend and it doesn't have to be sexual between them if that is what you are thinking. It could be, but often it isn't. And you don't say how often these trips happen, every weekend or twice a year, all of that makes a difference.

Secondly, he has mild cognitive impairment and he may be driving and cooking because he is not ready to give up his freedom and independence. You would be astonished at how many people with mild cognitive impairment are on the roads, living alone, etc. The fact that he drives and cooks and appears to "function well" is not a sign he DOESN"T need help. A five minute conversation is pretty easy to fake. Hello how are you, how about those Knicks, boy the weather is hot -- all easy to fake. Discussing current events with depth, knowing what day it is, following a recipe, knowing how to take one's medications and at what time, are harder to fake. Knowing when to turn right, how to avoid hitting pedestrians or other cars, how to write out checks to pay bills, all of that is the real meat of having cognitive impairments.

Thank you for your feedback. These trips occur once or twice a month.

I understand your point. Perhaps I’m overreacting and need to accept what is and let it go.

If it's simple friendship why can't the two of you go together for a day or two?

It depends on whether or not our trust your spouse and if your spouse has given you any reason to doubt their faithfulness.

My spouse told me that she doesn’t need to report to me. This attitude and previous situations give me cause to question her intentions.

Your spouses attitude is troubling. I don't report to my husband, but I surely take his feelings into consideration when I do things. And he does likewise.

That disregard for you harkens to Urban's post and where you are on the list of her priorities. That attitude (and the "previous situations") seem to indicate that you are not a high priority.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I agree with you.

Nope, not normal. They are Ex’s for a reason. If the 2 of you cannot go together then she shouldn’t go.
I feel this would be disrespectful to my husband and I wouldn’t want him doing this either.

Calim13, You make a good point that they divorced for a reason...twice. Her ex-husband cheated on her and married the woman he had an affair with. After 8 years, they reconnected, he divorced his wife and they married again.

I feel that she is emotionally unavailable to me.

I have to agree if you can't go together then there's a problem and she should care how you feel

I'm sorry that you're hurting... Big hug....xo

I appreciate your comment. To be honest, I really don’t want to stay at “their” house. She still owns the house with him. I would prefer to stay at a hotel.

It just gets better... she still owns the house with him? Come on.

Actually, we went to couple’s therapy twice these past two months, but I have not discussed these issues, because I wanted to get feedback from this community. The therapist is her therapist, so I was afraid that I was being selfish.

We have an appointment scheduled for April 2, but with the corona virus crisis, I don’t know if we will be able to meet face-to-face..

This is troubling. It does sound like he is her primary relationship but also that you married her knowing these two are still legally and emotionally intertwined. She doesn’t have to report to you which shows a certain amount of disdain for you. Disdain kills love. But your not wanting to spend the night in their house is silly if you are trying to learn the truth. She has a past, which is her current in many ways. So the real issue to me is her disdain for you and her other life. I am fine with her helping him but it’s a sign perhaps that he is number one from what you write. You can accept how it is or you can decide to seek different. The change has to come from yourself, within yourself. She can only change herself — if she even wants to. My suggestion is counseling for yourself, video or online is what many are doing.

Urbangardener, you certainly don’t mince your words. If she has disdain for me there must be a reason.

I have just found an individual therapist, whom I only saw twice.

With all due respect, I don’t think that I’m being silly not to stay at their house. I have emotional boundaries. Besides, if you think my spouse sees me as unworthy, why would I want to subject myself to being there to learn what truth?