It would make me uncomfortable as well. Have you talked with her about your feelings?

I am sorry if I come across as blunt - am trying to give a different perspective and your choice is to listen and think or stick with what you came here with. It isn't always easy to figure out how we need to change or how our thinking or beliefs are helping or hindering ourselves. You could be 100% right or the opposite. I am sorry I was not clear and made you feel defensive.


How your spouse treats you is not a reflection of your value and worth. If she disdains you, her reason might just be that she might disdain any husband of hers or that she disdains a lot of people. You might not even recognize this pattern of hers, it might seem normal to you. Some of my relatives disdain or criticize everyone... and they think they have the right and this is normal behavior. So NO, if she has disdain for you there might not be a reason, it might just be her personality. But only you know this for sure.

One last thing, I just realized you have seen or been to sessions with her therapist. This is not in your best interest. The therapist is there to support her client, has a "bias" towards helping the first client, which is the wife not you. Here I am being blunt again but many therapists will allow another person to temporarily come into therapy to support their client in dealing with the client's healing, not to mediate between the two people. Sometimes this works out well for both people but more often than not, the second person doesn't get much and feels negated when the therapist supports the client's viewpoint and needs. Now there are exceptional therapists that can walk between each warring party and do what each client needs. I have talked to several therapists about this and I have had several friends go this route and so I mention this in case you are not aware. I always suggest people find a different therapist than their partner/family member is using for couples therapy, or single therapy for themselves.

Thank you for your response. I like to think that I am an open-minded person, so intellectually, I understand your comments, except staying at their house to learn the truth.

There might be something to address personality traits. Looking at my spouse’s temperament, she has anger management issues. That’s originally why we sought couple’s therapy, even though it was with her therapist. Her therapist made a negative remark toward me and immediately said, “Oh, I shouldn’t be so judgmental!” This incident caused me to feel bad and not wanting to return.

Because I live in a rural community, therapists are hard to find. Now, with the Coronavirus, we don’t know when we can meet in person with her therapist or mine.

I’m grateful for having this site to vent and get feedback from others.

I think the real problem here is that she is aware that it bothers you and continues to devalue your feelings.
I really hate when my bf does it to me, but people don’t change.
Whatever the arrangement is, if she had a different response to your feelings, her trips wouldn’t be an issue.
I’m sorry.

Aronia, I think you hit the nail on the head. If my feelings were taken into consideration, I would be inclined to be more accepting of this arrangement.

Or perhaps the issue is that you continue to allow her to devalue your feelings.

If you are waiting for her to take your feelings into consideration, you may be in for a long wait.

It is incumbent on you to make the necessary changes. At this point, there seem to be 2 options - accept the current situation or change the situation. Which may include leaving the relationship.

You can't force someone to treat you well. But it is your responsibility to determine how you wish to be treated and act accordingly.

Yard_Eggs, thank you for your insight. I realize that it’s my responsibility to determine how I’m treated. As I see it, I have three choices: 1. Accept what is. 2. Change my perspective. 3. Leave the marriage.

I want to change my perspective by developing healthy boundaries. Knowing that I need to work on myself, I can’t fix my spouse, but I can continue couple’s therapy and individual therapy, when it’s available, to move through difficult emotions.

I think that all three of these choices are not mutually exclusive. You could accept what is - how she is, and change your perspective, and leave the marriage. Or you could do none. Sometimes we see things through our own viewpoints or lens. We all do this. We assume that because we think X causes Y, that X really does cause Y, and this might be a total fallacy of thinking. It is our own logical mind trying to make sense of something that might not be logical or make sense to how we see the world. The problem with couples therapy is that we can't assume both parties want to change. I was once in a marriage with someone who did his own thing. I kept thinking he would change once I just said often enough how much his behaviors were hurting me. He did what he wanted to do and then blamed me for having objections. Gaslighting me. It honestly took me years and years to get wise to the fact that this person I was married to was not willing to put others first, or the marriage first. I am remarried and while we both have flaws, we both want the marriage to come first and be "successful." Which does not mean "perfect." I wish you the best and much healing for your own self. It is not pleasant to be married to someone you figure out does not have your best interest at heart. It hurts.

Knowing your story and reading your replies show that you have learned from your previous marriage and have grown in the process

“The problem with couples therapy is that we can't assume both parties want to change.”

This is true, which makes me want to rethink going to my spouse’s therapist for couple’s counseling., but I will stick with my therapist.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You have given me food for thought.

In a healthy relationship, how does one express afflicting emotions from a spouse’s past aggressions? When I express hurt feelings, I’m told that I’m acting like a victim.

When do you place someone else’s feelings above your own?

It depends on the nature of the past aggressions. Is it a one time aggression (or do you mean "transgression"?) or is it a pattern of behavior?

If it is a one time only situation, it should be addressed and resolved. And once resolved, it should be put to rest and not dug up over and over.

If it is a destructive pattern of behavior is present in a relationship, it is not a "healthy" relationship.

I think some things are deal breakers.... To me it's that simple.....

You've written that she has anger management and that may be what she uses to control and get what she wants ... It beats you down so that you give in and she maintains the control in the relationship.... The squeaky wheel

I think that this is just wrong on so many levels and just it's disrespectful to your marriage

I agree with what others have said.... I am so sorry that you're being so badly hurt and I can tell from reading that you want this to work.... I think IF it has any chance you can't continue to be bullied by her and allow yourself to be treated badly or she'll continue what she's doing

I don't know if your marriage has a chance or not but I do know that we all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect and that starts with how we treat ourselves

Gentle hug while you work through these troubling times....xo

Thank you SuncloudJD for your comments and kind words. You are correct. I want to work through this. The reason for joining DS is to get others’ thoughts. In the meantime, I will work on developing healthy boundaries for how I’m going to be treated.

This, oh boy oh boy: "When I express hurt feelings, I’m told that I’m acting like a victim."

This sounds like gaslighting to me. Google that term. You are made to be the bad guy for expressing your opinions. I am assuming you are saying how you feel in these situations. If you are doing personal attacks to her and making it about how she is bad but calling it your feelings, this is one thing. If you are simply saying "I feel blank because of blank" then this is not attacking anyone.

The more we try to make sense out of other people's nefarious behaviors, the more uncertain we can become.