Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I have never had a relationship where I was not abused in some or fashion . So I decided I would go online about 12 years ago and just sit there and be with people who I could just turn off with the click of a button . I fell head over heels in love with a man tho 11 yrs ago , and he lives in Australia . We've had a whirlwind romance online for all this time . He has promised to come to the states each year coz he wanted to . But over the last 3 years he has said he " needs " to , to be with me ...
But each time it gets near , he starts huge fights . Over the course of this time , I did find 3 men in real life I dated and he knew of it , coz he said he knew I needed to have something real till he gets here ... each time tho those men hurt me badly , worse than anything ever . He was there to help me recover mentally from the damages ...Well now our relationship suffers horrifically coz of those 3 mistakes , he has told me he didn't really want me to see men in real life , even tho he has a woman he has seen for 27 years , he holds that over me saying such things as I been with 3 men to his one woman , even tho I have now promised I wouldn't see other men and haven't in over 2 years now , not even have a repairman in my home or any male to work on my car that he doesn't approve of first . He is insanely jealous now so I led my life as far away from other men as possible ...He plays snooker , in championships , so for the last 3 weeks I let him be, he has been watching the TV at tournies and then spent 4 days away from his home to be beaten with no mercy shown , which totally pissed him off ., and even tho he lost horribly I still supported him and encouraged him , greatly .
Well last night on his first night home , we were in our room ( on Paltalk messengers platforms ) I was all giggly and happy and feeling good because I joined a health club and started working out ... he went ballistic on me , asking me how many c**Ks did I see in tight shorts , how many men did I speak to , and how many men were perving me while I was on the exercise bike ( its not a co-ed club ) and then he stormed offline saying before he left ... have a nice life ...
Within 3 mins he came back online ... after I explained it was no co-ed , he then said he was sorry he jumped to conclusion then wham .... all the past came back up ... he was angry coz of the 3 men I dated over the past 11 years , men he said I needed to go out with and have dinner ... and then he said he supported my going to the Gym as long as I didn't lose to much weight ... I am 250 and 5 foot 6 ... I have health issues of being diabetic and high blood pressure to which he contributes to ... he said if I lost to much weight he would never speak to me again ....
I love this man , he has been thru so much with me , alot of losses , alot of triumphs .... but I love me too ...and I want to be healthy ... not only in body but mind .
I've never had a relationship that was healthy !!
those 3 men hurt me badly , and he saw how badly they hurt me ... one even tried to kill me ... and he keeps throwing it in my face about how I messed around on him and he didn't think I would ever do that , even tho he told me to date .... he had money 3 times to come over here to the states , thousands of dollars ... and thousands ... and he would disappear for as much as 2 or 3 months ... he would gamble on horses and win , and win big , but he would go to the casino and throw it back into playing cards or machines then come ask for forgiveness , and I did give it and never bring it up .... he once had an awesome job and made about 60,000.00 in about a year ... all blown tho on gambling , his son and his son's mother ....whom he was never married to but takes care of her financially ... I've spoken with her ... their relationship is platonic ... but she comes befofre me anyday of the week
Im so lost ... and have no idea why I keep getting myself caught up in toxic relationships !!
But each time it gets near , he starts huge fights . Over the course of this time , I did find 3 men in real life I dated and he knew of it , coz he said he knew I needed to have something real till he gets here ... each time tho those men hurt me badly , worse than anything ever . He was there to help me recover mentally from the damages ...Well now our relationship suffers horrifically coz of those 3 mistakes , he has told me he didn't really want me to see men in real life , even tho he has a woman he has seen for 27 years , he holds that over me saying such things as I been with 3 men to his one woman , even tho I have now promised I wouldn't see other men and haven't in over 2 years now , not even have a repairman in my home or any male to work on my car that he doesn't approve of first . He is insanely jealous now so I led my life as far away from other men as possible ...He plays snooker , in championships , so for the last 3 weeks I let him be, he has been watching the TV at tournies and then spent 4 days away from his home to be beaten with no mercy shown , which totally pissed him off ., and even tho he lost horribly I still supported him and encouraged him , greatly .
Well last night on his first night home , we were in our room ( on Paltalk messengers platforms ) I was all giggly and happy and feeling good because I joined a health club and started working out ... he went ballistic on me , asking me how many c**Ks did I see in tight shorts , how many men did I speak to , and how many men were perving me while I was on the exercise bike ( its not a co-ed club ) and then he stormed offline saying before he left ... have a nice life ...
Within 3 mins he came back online ... after I explained it was no co-ed , he then said he was sorry he jumped to conclusion then wham .... all the past came back up ... he was angry coz of the 3 men I dated over the past 11 years , men he said I needed to go out with and have dinner ... and then he said he supported my going to the Gym as long as I didn't lose to much weight ... I am 250 and 5 foot 6 ... I have health issues of being diabetic and high blood pressure to which he contributes to ... he said if I lost to much weight he would never speak to me again ....
I love this man , he has been thru so much with me , alot of losses , alot of triumphs .... but I love me too ...and I want to be healthy ... not only in body but mind .
I've never had a relationship that was healthy !!
those 3 men hurt me badly , and he saw how badly they hurt me ... one even tried to kill me ... and he keeps throwing it in my face about how I messed around on him and he didn't think I would ever do that , even tho he told me to date .... he had money 3 times to come over here to the states , thousands of dollars ... and thousands ... and he would disappear for as much as 2 or 3 months ... he would gamble on horses and win , and win big , but he would go to the casino and throw it back into playing cards or machines then come ask for forgiveness , and I did give it and never bring it up .... he once had an awesome job and made about 60,000.00 in about a year ... all blown tho on gambling , his son and his son's mother ....whom he was never married to but takes care of her financially ... I've spoken with her ... their relationship is platonic ... but she comes befofre me anyday of the week
Im so lost ... and have no idea why I keep getting myself caught up in toxic relationships !!
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What are five scents/smells that instantly put you in a good mood?
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there has been considerable popular press on the social impact of misogyny (hatred of women). misandry (hatred of men) seems socially blessed. poor girl. how right you are to hate the evils of men. never mind that harboring hatred burns holes in your soul. those evil creatures are worthy of all the hate we can muster.i have 5 brothers, 5 sisters and 3 sons and 2 daughters. i hold that misandry is...
How can you let a man 1000s of miles away control your life? I'm sorry but that is not a real relationship. Have you ever met in person?
Time to focus on yourself and getting healthy and then get back to the real world and drop that weird fantasy in Australia .
Whatever validation you are seeking from these men needs to found in you :)
Many hugs!
So it is real , we do have a real relationship . It's toxic but its real .
It is time to focus on me and slowly over this last 6 months I have been puling myself away from him , and after tonight all contact has been severed . I do not want to be in that kind of relationship anymore with him , or anyone else for that matter .
@ # 2 I am 55 years old , married 3 times , divorced now for 14 yrs , dated in that 14 years about 20 men or so , not sure , however the last 3 were in the last 11 years but all those men turned out to be verbally abusive , physically , sexually and mentally abusive ...
My point about this post mostly was that I do NOT even know what a healthy relationship is about and yes I have gone to therapy but at this time I cannot afford it . I do the Church therapy ( Celebrate recovery )
I do not need validation at all . I am happy being me , other than the men I pick for myself . I have no self esteem issues , no problem with how I look coz I feel beautiful inside and out . I joined the health club tho to better my health inside not whats on the outside of me .
I have lots of men here in Ga wanting dates but once I get to know them they are ALL bad for me , so I stay away ... and I sit online and let the man I fell in love with many years ago be an a** to me till last night when I shut it down and walked away
I apologize for attempting to answer the question you posed at the end of your Post.
You sound like you have life all figured out.
Good luck!
Sarcasm in your reply about my having life all worked out was uncalled for ... had I had life all worked out I wouldn't be in a support group .
Maybe I am in the wrong group ? Everyone here has healthy relationships ? If I am then please let me know and I will take myself out .
I apologize for wrongly assuming you were seeking advice in an advice-giving support group.
No. It's not a real relationship. He's a pretend internet person. If your power was out, he disappears.
and yes you DO know what a healthy relationship is, because you know and acknowledge what you're in is NOT one.
It's good that you've shut this down. Please stand strong and stick with that. He's sounds dreadful to you. Sure, he's likely done good things for you, but losing it because you had men in your real life while he's a kabillion miles away? Nope, nope, a big bag of nope.
and TTMI's sarcasm WAS called for. Someone responded to your post and you snipped them off discounting what they had to say. You discounted all validity of what others said.
Isnt there a possibility there is an issue within how you are perceiving their behavior and treatment of you? Or possibly with what your expectations are?
I mean, I know a woman who claimed her husbands bad gas was abusive toward her.
I also do not categorize this as a "real" relationship. I think you hide behind this relationship so that you can tell yourself you dont need put yourself out there to have a normal one. So that you dont need to take the risk and can keep telling yourself how awful and bad all men are.
Dont hide behind this man, you are obviously not happy with this version of life.
It might be a good idea to spend some time working on you - doing the things that make you the most happy.
Good luck in your search for that!
If I was you I would do some real self soul searching and see whether you don't consider yourself as a victim in every circumstance, even if you aren't really one. Judging from your defensive reaction to people's comments here, it sounds like you aren't very receptive to anyone's advice.
Coming from someone who has also done my fair share of getting myself caught up in unhealthy relationships, the only way I could change that pattern was to do some serious honest self examination, and to fully admit to myself what was my part in it all.
Good luck with this, because it is a tough pattern to break if you are not willing to really do the work.