I think that sometimes we can make connections with people which make no sense to anyone but us.
After my marriage broke up, I met a man on a social forum, he was after me for a while and I had a connection with him that I haven't had with any other person before. Eventually we met, and it was all unicorns and fireworks, etc and some time later he turned out to be an angry, possessive, crazy person. We lasted 9 months until I finally had enough. It was never going to work because of the distance AND because in real life he was not the person he projected himself to be.
It was a fantasy. Non the less, I had my heard broken and I was ashamed of how dumb I was to feed into this BS.
I agree that until you actually meet this person, you won't know the real him.
However... This relationship serves a purpose for you . You have something to look forward to and you are not as lonely.
I am a big believer in " whatever it takes" to get to my goal. My goal is to survive...I will take anything life dishes me out to help me get where I want to be and go try to get everything else.
If this communication hurts you - stop it. If you benefit from it, then keep going.
I agree with Koolman - keep your options open for real life.
Btw what is the reason why you can't meet up with him and see if this is real?

I've met a number of DS people. Most turned out to be pretty much exactly how they appeared online (with a few things deleted...as expected). A couple turned out to be totally different. Oh the online person was still in the mix, it's just that they had other issues that eclipsed the online stuff.

From my old Breakups and Divorce group, I know about 1-2-3-maybe 4 marriages? I'm not quite sure. My life was busy back then, the board was hopping, I wasn't in the off-line loop of the gossip. There were even more hookups, and quite a few online fallouts (which is usually when I finally got clued in...).


I think that you've got a good handle on it. You found yourself obsessing (hey, it was the holidays...), and you reached out.

@Aronia, what's to feel ashamed of? All love is taking a chance. When he showed you who he was...you left. I know that that's what I'd want my kids to do in life. I try to teach them that falling down and getting back up again is what it's all about. And to enjoy themselves along the way, because there will probably never BE a time, when everything is perfect.

Years ago, in my 20s, I was in a relationship with a man for a couple of years who I initially met through the phone (this was before forums, emails and chat room and all that stuff). His company was a customer of the company I worked for; I was an account representative. We'd chat a bit when he called me to order something, but it seemed we'd chat a bit more each time he called, and I felt some kind of attraction to him and I could tell he felt some kind of attraction to me me too, but I don't think either one of us could explain it or understood it. I just knew it felt really good. Then one time he sent me flowers at work and included his home phone number. I called him that night. And we ended up just talking a couple times a week at night and writing letters, sending pictures, etc to each other for maybe a year before we finally met. He lived in another state and I was afraid to meet him, to be honest. It was just a nice thing we had at the time and I thought meeting would screw it up, plus I didn't want it to get confusing with our work relationship. I didn't meet him in person until about a year into our friendship. We then had a long distance relationship for about two years, seeing each other every 4 weeks. By that time I had moved on to a different job so there wasn't job weirdness between us, and between me and my employer. It was a wonderful relationship, and ended not because he was a big weirdo or because he was secretly married or because he was not who he seemed to be. It was because I didn't really want to move to another state at that time, and he couldn't move because he owned his business and didn't want to relocate it. It became about logistics. I have no regrets over anything to do with him. And I really actually love the time we had getting to know each other without having met.

Patti - eh... I feel ashamed because I wasted so much money on trips to see him and when he made me feel terrible, I was too preoccupied with my own feelings to be well focused on my kids.
This is what make me feel bad.

Lol, Koolman, you're dead right! I am not saying to myself "I shall stay chaste just in case this somehow miraculously turns into a romance". Now THAT would be obsessive imo. Yes, the mental connection feels oh so good, but I realise a lot of it is my own interpretation of what he says, just my own perception of him. I would love to have that with a flesh and blood guy, if you know what I mean, and if I have to be brutally honest with myself... there are plenty fish in the sea here in Europe.

Aronia, no its not hurting me in any way. It's just a bit of innocent fun. The reason we cannot meet is because of my origin, I'd have hard time just even getting into the US, and he.. well, it would be much easier for him to just get a tourist visa if he even needs one. All in all not any obstacles that cannot be overcome. But I think the real reason I'm reluctant to meet him is because of what ifs. Oddly enough I could quite easily handle the disappointment should he turned out to be someone completely different from what I imagined him to be. The hard part would be what if we meet and we really click? That would almost put pressure on me as it's just six months since I came out of a complicated 5year relationship...I don't need the pressure of negotiating a potential one. I'm happy with the way things are now: casual, relaxed and not too serious.
Btw. About your regrets re that guy... I just think don't beat yourself up to much over it. If you care enough about your kids that when you look back you think you could have done differently, well, that tells me you're a great mum to begin with!

Uh-oh, Patti, what if he does turn out to be the way he portrays himself. I couldn't handle the pressure of a serious relationship, especially when travelling such distances to meet cuz why else would anyone bother going through all that trouble. Maybe for now it's a good thing there's an ocean separating himself and me?

Aww, rmb, what a beautiful experience to have had! From start to finish.. so heartwarming!

Lads!! This is not going well for me!..

He's hinting about possibly meeting... nothing specific so far, just hints... Ugh..

Back to post 1? This is all up to you.

What do you want from this post?

Do you want us to give you a good kick in the butt to cut this off?

You're telling us "ugh", have you told him that?

My personal opinion, is I wouldn't do it. The complications if there's an actual romance are just too great. It's a power imbalance from the word go, with whoever's home country being in the most power. Many, many complications if there ever ends up being kids. International custody battles are expensive.

That's just my take on it.

Lol. What? Are you trying to give me a heart attack?!? No more kids! I've two, that's more than enough. But he's not deterred by it. And believe me, I've thrown everything I've got at him. He doesn't seem to care! I've been as honest with him as I am here. Nah, not a dent. And he's not some young fella. A guy with life experience and all..

I'm not sure what I want from that post... Gain some perspective maybe? I'm trying to do the right thing here.

Thank you for listening anyway. I genuinely appreciate it.

As long as HE makes all the effort.

If he wants to travel to your place. He wants to spend all money a meeting would cost.

If you have two children you need to make sure that all the effort is on His part. It wouldn't be fair to your kids if their Mother was chasing an internet romance and spending time and/or money on pursuing an internet fantasy.

If he is in your town and calls you up to meet him in a public place for coffee. then it sounds good to me.

Again... Don't put yourself out in ANY way. If he is willing to do all the work, he might be a good guy.

My kids are my top priority above all else, never mind a man. I can barely cope with not seeing them for a day, I wouldn't so much as dream of leaving them to go after anything. So no, there will be no chasing of anything on my part.

ShastaSue, i think you're right, I wouldn't put myself out of my way and judging by the sounding of it, he actually seems quite willing to do all the travelling and paying for it himself.

Anyhow, after a few (hundred) deep breaths... it may take a year to materialise. No point worrying about it too much yet.

If a man is willing to fly across the ocean to see if you are the one, I d say it is a good sign!

Well, when you put it that way, Aronia... I suppose I might as well give it a chance if it comes to it.