Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
Hi guys, I'm new here. Hope ye don't mind if I go straight to the point.
I met this guy on an online forum almost two years ago. We became friends on facebook eighteen months ago. We live on different sides of the Atlantic. It's been a really slow moving friendship between us, especially at the start. We would chat, then be out of touch, then get back in touch again. Nothing intense or serious, mostly banter and messing until about eight months ago himself and I had a massive row on the forum we met, it was basically difference of opinions on a topic. After the row I thought we fell out for good, but he got back in touch with me about two months ago. It started off slowly, but he was very flirtatious in a subtle in a cheeky kind of way. He had my attention, and I thought, well, sure, how bad, tis only a bit of messing. But then... obvious attraction started developing between the two of us, and now we have a very clear connection.
The problem I'm having is that the chances of us ever meeting are on the slim side. But attraction and connection is very clear. I perfectly understand that us having never met it is very easy to fill in the gaps and live in a fantasy world, but then we are both well aware of that fact. I would describe our communication as open and honest. I would love to cut contact, but he is so much fun to chat with, I seldom click with people the way I click with him. It just feels so unfair that he's in America, and I'm in Europe. I would love to meet him as a friend, but my circumstances are preventing me from being able to do so, and his situation isn't exactly ideal either. I'd love to stop feeling this huge attraction towards him. I consider myself very level headed, and most things don't phase me, but this guy has me almost obsessing over him. Help!
I met this guy on an online forum almost two years ago. We became friends on facebook eighteen months ago. We live on different sides of the Atlantic. It's been a really slow moving friendship between us, especially at the start. We would chat, then be out of touch, then get back in touch again. Nothing intense or serious, mostly banter and messing until about eight months ago himself and I had a massive row on the forum we met, it was basically difference of opinions on a topic. After the row I thought we fell out for good, but he got back in touch with me about two months ago. It started off slowly, but he was very flirtatious in a subtle in a cheeky kind of way. He had my attention, and I thought, well, sure, how bad, tis only a bit of messing. But then... obvious attraction started developing between the two of us, and now we have a very clear connection.
The problem I'm having is that the chances of us ever meeting are on the slim side. But attraction and connection is very clear. I perfectly understand that us having never met it is very easy to fill in the gaps and live in a fantasy world, but then we are both well aware of that fact. I would describe our communication as open and honest. I would love to cut contact, but he is so much fun to chat with, I seldom click with people the way I click with him. It just feels so unfair that he's in America, and I'm in Europe. I would love to meet him as a friend, but my circumstances are preventing me from being able to do so, and his situation isn't exactly ideal either. I'd love to stop feeling this huge attraction towards him. I consider myself very level headed, and most things don't phase me, but this guy has me almost obsessing over him. Help!
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
The easiest thing, is to go no contact.
The harder thing is to reduce the amount of time/ energy/ thoughts that you give something.
You can first do that, by getting out more...doing other things in your life.
If that doesn't work, you can limit the amount of time that you devote to an issue. Sometimes that's easiest done by giving yourself a set time everyday to spend on it. So say you'll ONLY chat or check for messages between 6 and 7pm. (or whatever hour works best for you).
If you find yourself unable to cut back...then no contact is the best way to go.
Lastly, "this guy" doesn't have you doing anything. YOU have yourself obsessing over him.
Cut and paste your own words and print them out. "I'd love to stop" and post them up on your refrigerator or bathroom. The person that wants to stop is YOU...and you have complete control.
No body language.... nope. You're not getting to use all your senses.
Reading words on a screen is not a relationship.
It's projection. Like Harry Potter when he couldn't stop looking in the mirror that showed him his parents. Go to Barnes and noble and meet a real person.
ShastaSue, it's not a very difficult thing to do..feel attracted to someone you haven't met. All it takes is them reveling some very attractive psychological traits, looking at their photo and realising how your type they are aesthetically, and getting an overall sense of their personality. Not exactly rocket science. A lot of people feel initial attraction based on looks alone.
Projection, also known as blame shifting, is when one pushes personality traits, issues etc that are too painful to face onto others and view them as belonging to them and not oneself..I really don't see how taking sweet time to get to know a person is projection. If anything I'd say I'm being rather sensible.
Obviously, and as I said in my op, it's easy to fill in the missing gaps with fantasy, but don't we all do it when getting to know any person, be it face to face or any other way. Anyway, I'm not here to argue whether it's a relationship or not, because in my mind it is a relationship I call friendship.
You're the one who typed "Help"
So on some level you must realize this isn't working for you.
Just be cautious and if he asks for money, please don't send any. Many a woman ( I've seen it on Dr Phil)
Have thought just like you, that it was a real relationship. Some of them sent their life savings to a "handsome" guy who turned out to be some little foreign dude scamming on lonely women using a picture of an American model.
I appreciate your concern, but I am certainly not lonely, nor am i in any need of a man. Neither am I prone to being scammed.
I am aware enough to understand that this relationship is missing a crucial dimension, which is being able to look in his eyes or touch his hand. A little bit like being here on this board, reading words on the screen without hearing the tone of voice of the person speaking to me and not having an opportunity to interpret their body language. Yes, communication is not as fulfilling, yet it's perfectly possible and has some positive aspects that face to face communication inhibits.
Have you Skyped or had webcams conversations with him to know he is for real? Have you seen where he lives, heard about any of his friends and family, or viewed recent photos of him taken for the purpose of sharing with you? I'm curious what the circumstances are that don't allow either of you to visit one another in real time?
What concerns me is that you are "almost obsessing over him", and to me that doesn't sound healthy or level-headed, to have such feelings for someone you have never met, and you are already defending him, and what you have with him, and to me, that's a big red flag.
I would at the very least Skype or webcam with him, if you already haven't, and use any means of finding out if he is who he says he is, if you intend on getting involved further.
I wish you well.
Okay, okay, had enough of the fear mongering. I think I can manage from here on. I'm confident I have enough sense to realise if things begin to go astray.
Lots of collective good advice on here. Everyone sees things from their own points of view.
I'm a huge believer in begging, borrowing and stealing from all sides to come up with my own solution. Sometimes it's enough just to know that you can handle it if things do get too intense.
***I actually have fond memories of Scott, a guy I obsessed over for a year or so... Sigh... We lost touch and I never found out what happened to him. I'm not looking to go back. It's just a good memory.***
Patti
Cali, I'm not looking for an intimate relationship. Even if I was, I don't believe that long distance couple relationships are worth the heartache. But yes, I'm pretty sure he's single. I mean as sure as you can be with someone you haven't met in person. I don't want people to make a mistake thinking I believe sun shines from this guy's back side.. there's just good energy between us right now, that's all, and I'm enjoying it.
Keep your online friend a fantasy while you search for a real flesh-and-blood hunka hunka man in Europe. I realize it's very difficult to meet anyone of quality, much less establish that full, complete, perfect mental connection, when somebody "gets" you and you "get" them, but if you wanta real connection, a real relationship, you've got to get out from behind the computer and meet guys in person, look 'em right in the eye, see whassup.
Use this online guy to practice your communication and flirtation skills.