I stayed with my ex for 7 years after I pretty much figured out that my marriage was a mess and was not going to get better.
When my youngest child was 2 I decided that I needed to get out.
I had no family and no friends I could turn to. I had a part time job at a grocery store. This was not going to fly and if I was going to leave, I needed money, a lawyer and a place to go. I didn't even have anyone to borrow a dime from.

I made a plan. I immediately quit the grocery store BS and got a job at a hospital. I took my GED ( because my HS certificate from Russia was lost). I called a college and found out what was needed to get in.
I took Algebra, Chemistry and Bio at night school for adults. Got all As, then I went to the private school ( other colleges gave me crap over my green card technicalities ) and I took an entrance exam and got into an RN program. For 1 year my marriage improved, I thought it was going to get better and I got pregnant with a second child...
Well.. That did not go well. Things returned to where we were.
I did a step two and got a second job - I opened a home Business.
So - to recap - I am still in college, working at the hospital, have two babies now and running a home Business.
No sleep, of coursed, but I have a very good career and can make a comfortable living.. The American Dream .

To make the long story short, everything I be done gave me a lot of confidence that I can do anything I put my mind to, including leaving my husband, but I was still thinking that maybe he can change.
Nope. I found out he was cheating for at least 1 year.
That did it.
I got a lawyer and got him out of the house. It was a long process , it was hard but I got divorced.
After I became single, I realized that I just wasted my time waiting for someone to change when they did nothing to make it happen.

Do you think it is possible that he may not be as much of an asshole if you parented from separate residences?
Sometimes divorce helps, but I don't know your husband, you know him best.
Does he beat the children? Does he insult them and call him names?
Start keeping a diary of everything you feel will help you get the courts for supervised visitations.
Take pictures of holes in the walls, broken furniture.
You need to consult a lawyer. You can do this.

The kids pick up on whatever you're feeling, and feel it too.

Aronia, you're an excellent example of how taking those first few steps leads to more steps and to more steps, and all the long the way, confidence and self esteem grows.

I've never been in your position, minspa, but I think if I were, the first thing I'd do is call a lawyer for a consultation. Many lawyers won't charge you for that initial consultation. By doing that, you can at least get your head around what are your legal rights in your state with respect to divorce, child custody, and what it would take to get the ball rolling etc. I sometimes think just having all the information you need for if and when you do decide to make a change is a great motivator in itself. If you don't call an attorney, there may also be advocacy programs in your county or town that can help you.

I can tell you with my mom, she took so much stuff from my dad, for years and then something happened, and I don't remember exactly what facilitated it but it was the last straw for my mom, and it was like overnight, she just got angry. Not fearful, not disappointed, but straight up pissed off. Within a few days, she told my dad she wanted a divorce. He didn't believe her and mocked her, so she packed his clothes and personal items, put them on the porch and said you no longer live here. Custody and visitation never really became an issue because my dad really had no interest in seeing us regularly. He made a stink about it initially, about wanting to see his kids, but that eventually died down.

My mom filed for divorce and because they did not have marital assets or property and we were below the poverty level for income, my mom's divorce was pro se, so she represented herself without an attorney. She was able to get the information she needed through a local program.

I know you and your husband's situation may be different but the point is that making a move, even a small move, like calling an attorney or just gathering information, putting a high level plan in place for when you're ready to leave, can be the catalyst for changing your situation.

To clarify - i became separated ( with subsequent divorce) 6 years ago. It took me approximately 4 years to get education, obtain a new career and become 100% independent before I ended the marriage.

Aronia, your story is really, truly inspiring. Thank you for sharing it. Thanks for the advice, rmb. I am going to consult with an attorney; that's the next good step, I think.

You can do it girl!!!
Just having a plan and working towards this goal is going to empower you more than you can imagine. You will have hope, confidence, control !

Good luck!!!