I started to write out one reply, but then I looked at your profile.

Abuse is a deal breaker.

It does bad things to you. It also does bad things to him. And it does bad things to the children, even if they're not the targets of the abuse.

In some situations I think remaining married for the sake of the kids is appropriate but I think it takes two very strong, self-disciplined and self-aware people to be able to pull it off.

My parents stayed married way too long and my siblings and I witnessed and heard my parents do and say some awful things to each other in the course of their marriage. Complete shit show and not at all a healthy alternative to them divorcing. I used to beg my mom to divorce my dad. A 12 year old shouldn't have to do that.

This arrangement will cause a lot of damage to the children. The more I think about it, the more I feel like " for the children" is rationalization on the part of the parent(s) to remain together out of fear of the unknown, inability to embrace that being alone is Okay and it will work out.
I stayed much longer than I should have in my marriage and it did damage to my kids.
I can't supoort you in choosing to stay, but I wish you to have strength and confidence to start your own life.

How old are your children?

I can 100 percent see staying "for the children" if by" for the children" it is to prevent the invalidating abusive spouse from having unsupervised visitation.

are any of you familiar with the Dylan Redwine case? You can google it if you like.

If a man is abusive, how is giving him unsupervised visitation with children the right move?

I agree that divorce is often the best option for the adults because then they get to date again, have free time when the other parent has custody, live their life and have fun, while the children are shuffled off and have to deal with step parents, Step siblings.. etc
In other words, when 2 adults decided to make things easy for themselves so they can have some enjoyment. It is often times the young children who get the short end of the stick.
This is what I have heard from adults who were in that situation as children.

If a woman is married to an abusive man, I hope that she goes through the proper channels to assure he won't be allowed unsupervised visitation as in the Redwine case.

If there are no abusive spouses.. and the children will be 100 percent safe and happy with either parent during shared custody, I would say go for your freedom.

Oh... looks like we all pretty much just ignored your question! Sorry.

How to deal with it.. hmmmm


If the couple is "cordial" to each other. ( I'm confused by your profile are the two of you really "cordial" or is he abusive)

If it's a cordial relationship it can work. because you can approach it from the mindset that you are a single parent with a roommate. You can treat your "roommate" respectfully and you have the added bonus of your "roommate" loving your children as if they are his own, because THEY ARE! lol

Years go by fast. It's won't be long until the children are grown and you can go out and get your groove thing on! lol if that is what you choose.

Now if you are living with a person who breaks your civil rights on a daily basis. All bets are off... The police should be called, no ifs ands or buts!

IM am so sorry for what I am going to say , but I feel so very strongly about this that I may not be able to keep my composure like I should.

I feel staying together for kids is the biggest load of bullshit excuse in the world ! I want you to look at it this way. If you have abuse, addiction, or any other dysfunctional thing that will damage children you have to get out of it. You will raise your children and teach them that all that crap is acceptable and normal for a relationship and they will follow in your lead. It is better to have one really good family and relationship with your children and one dysfunctional family relationship to bring kids up then it is to keep them in total caos.

I will tell you what I went through so you know I am not full of shit here. My ex-wife is Bi-polar and Borderline and she would scream at me, call names, and emotionally beat me down EVERY DAY for hours. She also abused her medication and finacially broke us three times. If her verbal asults didnt take there toll then she would get physical. If taht didnt work then she would start in on my kids.

I divorced her almost 6 years ago and now have a joint custody arangement , with me having all legal say over my kids and I have told her many times that if the kids EVER come to be about abuse from her I will take full custody back ! I am teaching my kids what a good life and family looks like and breaking them of the dysfunctional life they had. It took me awhile to get my shit together after my divorce and I still suffer from PTSD from all the abuse, but I stay in therapy to deal with it .

So I guess if there is anything I want you to take from this it is that YOU have to do what is write for the children. A healthy relationship DOES NOT have any of the things I have mentioned as abuse or the fighting. Not to mention YOU are not happy and children pick up on that too so you are harming them and teaching them that being misserable in a relationship is the way to be.

Please get out and get help! Do what is right for the children and try to raise them in a good holsome home. There are so many people in this world that are suffering by their own doing, because they learned that it is the way it should be. I was one of them. I was raised right in life on some aspects. The RULES were from my father You will treat women right, You will NEVER hit a woman or hurt her in any physical way and I was taught what was right and wrong. However I was also raised in a family where parents screaming at each other was the norm and my dad was physically abusive to me so that was the norm too. Guess what ? For 18 years of my life I put up with both from my ex-wife. I was a slow learner and it took years of therapy to get me where I am today.

I wish you all the luck in the world!
Big Hugs and do what is right for the children always !

If there's no abuse, you can sell your house, get a smaller one, use the money to work less and spend more time together. Go away together for weekends. Get babysitters and go out together. Get therapy.

All of that expensive? Absolutely. And still about 1/10th the cost of a divorce and two households.

Abuse is a deal breaker.

Just being in an abusive house sends stress hormones through the roof. Shortens telemeres. Rewires the brain.

You deal with it by leaving. Then you help your kids understand the stresses that cause their father to drink, help them understand why someone lives with it (after all...you did), help them learn ways to deal with their father when he drinks (you're the expert from years of experience), and finally help them learn better coping methods so that they won't drink themselves.

You don't demonize their dad. And you leave and give up your right to be angry at anything he does. It becomes your children's right at that point...while you're their mother and you help them.

By staying "for the kids", you are teaching them that abuse is an acceptable part of marriage. That abuse is okay.

Are you sure that is the lesson you want to teach?

Is your present situation the future you want for your children?

If the father is abusive, all she has to do is call CPS and request a hearing for supervised visitations. At the age of 12 in most places children can decide not to visit with either parents.

I wish more women would do that, Aronia!

In the case of an abusive spouse. If he is so abusive and hard to get along with.. why would any woman get herself to safety and then send her children to deal with his sociopathic personality without another adult there to defend them??

It's always made me wonder what perception the woman has if she is willing to do that....

Abuse or no abuse, staying another day when every part of your being says "go" is hurting you. I know this because it was hurting me. I developed sever anxiety and depression as a result. That depression did more damage to my son than I realized because it put a barrier around me. I needed to be fully present in his life and my own life but instead I was busy insulating myself from further pain from my relationship. Leave.

#7 and #10

Pretty much nail it

I can't justify staying with an abusive parent to protect the kids.
Leaving an abuser gives children at least one safe, stable place and hopefully a mother who is not constantly being insulted in front of them. If the father treats them like crap, the courts can deal with that.
If someone continues to stay with an abusive spouse children have zero place to be safe from his actions and yelling. They are still witnessing the abuse of their mother and if the woman is abused herself, idk how she can protect the children.. It depends on the type of abuse.
My daughter's father does things that are not abusive but definitely completely inappropriate. I can't take him to court for it, because there is no law that forbids promiscuity. My daughter is disturbed by his actions and hates going for visitations. When she comes home she cries and feels angry, but she knows that I am ok, she had a safe place to come home to and not deal with his BS.
I realize that this is completely different than abuse, but the point that I am trying to make is that she has at least one stable parent in her life and a separate residence from the crazy person, where she can relax and not worry about her safety or my emotional state.
I am helping her deal with what her father is doing. She knows that she has a choice not to go there.

Thanks for all the comments and feedback. My husband has been going to IC, and it has helped; his abusive behavior has definitely lessened over the past three months or so. Physical episodes occur only about once a year, so it's not something that's constant. It's not so bad that I fear for my safety; that happens very rarely.

My kids are 9 and 5. He is a good dad most of the time and he loves the kids; but he has a short temper and does get impatient with them, which is when I intervene. I am a little afraid of having them with him alone for extended periods.

About the comment that "staying for the children" is an excuse, that that person is actually afraid to leave and be on their own; I would say that's probably right. As unhappy as I am and have been since Day 1 in this relationship, sometimes I feel like the devil you know is better than the devil you don't, right? Plus, I've seen so many marriages, including my parents, that were unhappy, but stayed together - a close friend of mine is always telling me how bad his marriage is, but how he can't leave because it would devastate his child, and it makes me feel guilty that I want to leave.

I also live far from where I grew up and where my family is (and am unlikely to move back because of work) and although I have friends, I don't have a great support system here as far as help with the kids. I really admire people who get out of bad marriages and forge a better life for themselves on their own, like a lot of you have done. How did you work up the courage to do it??