Healthy Relationships Support Group
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So I’ve been with this guy now for over 5 months. And he told me last night he wants me to have more of a social life or time for myself, which is fine because I agree to an extent...
But part of me can’t help but feel a little rejected in a way.
We have drastically already cut down the amount of time we spend together from 5-6 nights a week down to 3. Which has been a good thing as I had to wake up at 2 am to drive to his place when he got off work then go back to bed in order for me to go to work at 8 am. So I’ve been getting more sleep.
He mentioned that he would like to spend more Saturdays with his friends and his hobby. And that he wants me to have social things for me to do as well. Which I see his point, but sometimes I’d like to be included in his hobby/ friends you know, not every time but sometimes. Which when I talked with him about this he didn’t agree nor disagree about.
Plus with us only having now the weekends to see each other (we work opposite shifts during the week). I feel even more conflicted in a way. Yes, I want him to have his own things but I’d like to still be important as well in a way or feel that way. Which conflicts me even more because I’m working on not seeking validation from him.
Plus I’ve noticed he’s been kinda distant the past couple of weeks. Not affectionate over text and not very affectionate in person. Plus our texting has gone down quite a bit as well. Overall our communication has sucked tbh. Our sex life is not as passionate either. Which I know this could all be because the honeymoon phase in our relationship could be passing.
We still talk about the future on occasion. About moving in together and possibly kids. He tells me he enjoys being with me.
But I’m just afraid things are starting to dwindle or fizzle out with us. I really like him and like being with him.
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I'm horrified! I knew my insurance would go up due to getting a new car but I didn't expect it to go up over $2,000. I did have an accident with the snow/ice in the winter. I was just telling my brother that I have had my car since March 2, 2026 and have only spent $75 on an oil change. Now this! I called another insurance company and their quote was over $4,000. I guess I have to pay...
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
If he wants some space, id say take the space to work loving yourself. its not easy learning to love yourself but its worth it.
As for the other concerns, have you expressed and communicated how you feel? communication can really help with those anxious thoughts :)
Big warm hugs - You got this!!
His hobbies are his so I’d steer clear of trying to be involved in his hobbies unless he asks you, in my opinion. Some people need their own thing. You can find other hobbies to do together if you want to share something you both enjoy.
Moving so quickly and intensely right off the bat doesn’t give people a chance to really start to know each other. So I suspect the reality of what a relationship looks like is settling in for him. I would interpret him telling you he wants YOU to have a social life is him really saying he wants more of a social life, or that he needs more space. I’d try to just do your own thing as much as you can and see if that creates more balance in the relationship.
The honeymoon period does eventually subside but usually as couples grow into a more serious relationship, they spend more time together not less. However you guys probably spent way more time together than most couples at the early stage so maybe it’s not a linear path. Whatever it is I think you should listen to your instincts and communicate openly. I mean I think he’s trying to tell you something without saying it directly. Might be worth exploring with him so you know exactly where you stand.
The whole being affectionate through texts is tricky sometimes can come across as loses it’s meaning. Like saying I love you or use of pet names can be overkill .
One other thing you need ask yourself do you want be with him because you see a future or because he gives you validation
There is no wrong answer to the above but just getting clear on what he brings to your life, what you bring to his, what is true connection.
What concerns me also is he made a comment about “trying to make things work”. When I thought things were going good, aside from him being distant
Did his behavior change after that last fight/incident with the cold sores and you were going to leave his house? Is that when things changed, because maybe you could talk to him about that fight and clear the air.
As said by other posters, it does seem odd that he is telling you to have more of a social life and for you to have time to yourself... when you didn't even ask for that time. That he is the one that wants the social life and time away.
I understand why you are confused about him spending part of the weekend with his friends when he said to you 2 months ago (your quote from before) “I haven't had anything serious/official in a long time but I am willing to make sure the lady in my life is included in all aspects of my life”.
I guess "all aspects" doesn't include his friends.
I know you probably want to meet them, but he doesn't want you to, for what reason I don't know.
My suggestion is to back WAY off. Let him go do his thing. You go do your thing. The more you push, the more he will pull away. Push/pull thing.
And you shouldn't have to get up at 2 am, lose your sleep, just so you can drive to his place. He couldn't drive to you? That is just not safe for you to be doing that anyway. I dunno... I wouldn't do that for some guy.
He mentioned the making it work comment during our discussion of space in the relationship
I can see how working second shift all week limits his time for much so he may just be trying to find balance. Sounds like he said a lot of the right things early on and now he’s back stepping a bit. I don’t like when people just don’t say what they really mean.
I think you should just do your thing and not be the one who is always accommodating. Sounds like because he works second shift that is why you are waking up at 2:00am driving to see him. No offense but that’s kind of crazy.
I’m telling you this so you don’t make make the same mistake I made ..
When we first met we hung out almost every night. Then some life things happened beyond his control I was put on the back burner . I would ask him all time if we were together he would say yes .. my anxiety was running wild . He stopped calling me pet names, communication became non existent. He would always call me by my first name . I would send him a lot of messages why don’t you call me pet names anymore among other things . In December he dumped me and this is a heart break I’m still dealing with . What he wanted was space and I never gave him that .. I wished I would’ve listened to him and my sister cause she told me to give him space . We’re still friends but I want more than that . So give him space and let him contact you .
I am older so I dated before social media and texting existed. It sounds exhausting and overwhelming to rely on those two things as a gauge for determining the state of one’s relationship and the state of mind of one’s partner. It sounds burdensome.
So yeah maybe just stop and pivot a bit, just backing off and doing your own thing. See if it creates a better connection. Sometimes space does that, because it creates more things to talk about, actually missing each other etc. Sometimes it has the opposite affect but to me that’s a risk I’d take. I’d rather a relationship end with my dignity intact and my head held high than with someone trying to pry me off as I hold on tighter.