Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I have been with my SO for ten years. It feels like whenever life is going good.....we are caught up on bills and have a solid bank account balance, we are getting along great, the kid is behaving....he starts to act up and be a right asshole. As if he can't handle when things go well.
He hasn't spoken to me at all today and only a smidge in the previous three. Why? He won't tell me and I don't know. But before then life was going amazing. Then all of a sudden he shuts down and completely checks out on the relationship. He won't talk to me, sit by me, do anything I ask....like he is spoiling for a fight.
So far I haven't given in to his dire need for a battle but I told him today, as he left for a friends house, that if he wasn't ready to stop acting like this and sit down and talk to me I would like it if he stayed the night at his buddies house and got himself sorted. Because I am at the point where he is going to get that fight he wants so badly and I don't want to do that. He is 30 years old but he often acts like a 3 year old when he gets like this.
I'm proud of my will power so far lol due to the fact that he has gone out of his way to make extra large messes around the house, he makes sure I know he made them, and then not clean them up. Leaving it all to me to clean up after him. One of our biggest relationship hurdles is that he does zero housework. That isn't an exaggeration. He literally does nothing in the house. So to make extra large messes is his passive aggressive way of kicking sand in my face. And so far it's been good. I've kept my temper and ignored his attitude. But I can't anymore I don't think.
I wish I knew why he feels the need to do this. He does it about once or twice a year and it can last from a week to a month.
He hasn't spoken to me at all today and only a smidge in the previous three. Why? He won't tell me and I don't know. But before then life was going amazing. Then all of a sudden he shuts down and completely checks out on the relationship. He won't talk to me, sit by me, do anything I ask....like he is spoiling for a fight.
So far I haven't given in to his dire need for a battle but I told him today, as he left for a friends house, that if he wasn't ready to stop acting like this and sit down and talk to me I would like it if he stayed the night at his buddies house and got himself sorted. Because I am at the point where he is going to get that fight he wants so badly and I don't want to do that. He is 30 years old but he often acts like a 3 year old when he gets like this.
I'm proud of my will power so far lol due to the fact that he has gone out of his way to make extra large messes around the house, he makes sure I know he made them, and then not clean them up. Leaving it all to me to clean up after him. One of our biggest relationship hurdles is that he does zero housework. That isn't an exaggeration. He literally does nothing in the house. So to make extra large messes is his passive aggressive way of kicking sand in my face. And so far it's been good. I've kept my temper and ignored his attitude. But I can't anymore I don't think.
I wish I knew why he feels the need to do this. He does it about once or twice a year and it can last from a week to a month.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
The children are watching.
Have you called him out on this after the fit is over and what does he have to say?
Here are some articles that may give you some insight on the dilemma that you're dealing with. The articles may help you discern whether or not you want to keep putting up with this behavior, or not. I feel for you, as I used to live with a passive aggressive person, too.
Here are the website links to the articles --
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201501/6-tips-dealing-passive-aggressive-people
http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/stop-being-passive-aggressive-behavior-signs-_n_5515877.html
Here is also a book you may want to get to understand your dilemma in more detail and decide if the behavior is something you can continue to deal with, or not --
http://www.amazon.com/Living-Passive-Aggressive-Man-Aggression-Boardroom/dp/0671870742
Hoping this information will bring you some newfound peace into your life --
Linda
I resented being controlled. We had issues with her not eating properly. She was a diabetic that neglected her diet and wouldn't change bad eating habits. When she got sick from eating improperly I acted as her full time nurse and did my best to help her. We always ended up at the hospital and it was always because she wasn't taking care of her self and not eating a proper diet. I was trapped in a loop spending actual years at the hospital knowing that if she just ate healthy she'd get better but that never happened.
Maybe there's something he'd like that you absolutely don't want and this passive aggressive attitude is from that. It could be anything. It could be something that you have no control over but with my experience it needs to be addressed.
I'm going to read the articles posted but I should tell everyone this. He had a kidney transplant as a teenager and is on a lot of medication for the rest of his life due to this One of his pills directly affects his mood. They take him off, then put him back on, then take him off....it's never ending. But it can work as a depressant when he is on it.
I know he doesn't want to be that way. In fact, I know he doesn't even know he's acting that way sometimes, except when he finally has some clarity and then I have to go back and say, well you said, this, this and THIS. He has a hard time connecting the dots when it comes to cause and effect.
As hard as it is for me, I remind myself that it's harder for him, even when he doesn't realize it.
But I can see how you get sick of it. I really can. It's like living with a kid sometimes. Wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
Does he have a "fear of success" way of living his whole life? In his job, friends etc...?
I had an ex bf who I would say lived fearful of success. He should 4 get so excited about his latest venture. He would get steps away from the finish line and fuck it all up. Quitting school with a semester left for the degree, or get a perfect job with good pay and then fight with the boss. He did the same in our relationship. It was exhausting. I became his crutch and unhappy. Ending the relationship was a relief. We stayed in touch off and on for about 10 years after breaking up.
That behavior never ended. He lost a few more great relationships and jobs an opportunities. If your husband is like my ex, he needs professional help. Unfortunately if he doesn't feel he's got a problem, then he won't fix it.
My advice is that you focus on your well being. Maybe some IC to help you with your issues (you mentioned you have some things you know ate problems). Lead by example. Hopefully he will want things to be better too.