Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
We have one child, an 8 year old daughter. She is no picnic, but she is smart, independent, funny, and a whole barrel of other things. She and her dad have a great relationship. They do so much together and they get along great. When I was pregnant with her my SO and I discussed the amount of children we wanted. I was up for two. He said that if we had a boy he would need to think on it but if we had a girl he wanted two because he has always wanted a son...but if the second was a girl we were done. So we go and have a girl.
Of course I didn't want another baby right away. I had a difficult pregnancy and I wasn't sleeping due to my colic daughter and lack of help on the male end. We survived her younger years and when she was about four I started broaching the subject of having another.
For the next three years every time I brought it up he would change the subject. Or shrug. Refuse to talk about it. When we had sex he still took every precaution to prevent pregnancy. I cannot take birth control due to medical reasons. He would never actually say no. Just dodge and duck. I set myself a time line...saying if I was not pregnant at 30 or before then no baby for me. Thinking that would help me come to terms with his inability to just discuss it like a man and give me the closure I needed.
Well I turned 31 and I tell myself daily that I'm over it. I'm too old to have a baby. Our daughter is enough. She is more than enough. But it's not working. I am four years in to wanting a baby so badly. And everyone around me is pregnant. My little sister. My best friend. Four of my other friends. My cousin. My old class mates on Facebook. And every day I am faced with all these people having thier first, second, third....one is even having her seventh!...child, and I will never even have two. To boot it was VERY difficult to get pregnant with our daughter. It took us over a year of trying when we were in our twenties. In our thirties it may not even happen if we did try.
I find myself resentful at my SO. But when I bring it up he dodges again. He said in the past he would have a vasectomy when the time came so I didn't need surgery. Part of me wants to push him in to doing it so that the hope is gone. If the hope is gone maybe the want will leave eventually too. And I also feel so guilty that my daughter isn't enough. I love her so much, and it kills me to feel like I'm incomplete with just her.
I need to find a way to come to terms with this. I am in therapy but right now I see an addictions counseller to help me deal with the issues in my life from my drug addict sister. I can't see another therapist until I am done with her (due to costs) so I can't even discuss how I feel with the person in my life I think could help me the most.
So DS was my next try!
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
Maybe talk to your obgyn and discuss viable options for possibly getting pregnant in future, should your partner change his mind.
If it’s a situation where you think you can live with the idea you are not going to have more children in this relationship, you definitely have to make peace with that. You don’t want to live feeling unfullfilled as well as resentful of your partner. Bring it up with your current therapist, even if it seems like a completely different issue. It’s clearly affecting you. In fact who knows... some times you have no idea how everything in life is intertwined. I remember seeing a therapist specifically to help me deal with recovering from a life threatening health issue, and seriously, we spent most of our time somehow discussing my effed up family growing up, because it all informs who we are and why we are. Besides that, this therapist maybe able give you some resources to help you.
I can't go on like this.... It's having a profound effect on me and I should be able to talk to my partner using words?? No?
I agree that he's communicating by not communicating however that's passive/aggressive and so hard to deal with..... I'd tell him I'm done communicating this way
This is a huge issue and you will have resentment if you can't work together to come to a mutual solution and it reads like one of you will have to compromise possibly
I also agree to bring it up with your therapist...... Another hug.....xo
He offered to get a vasectomy when the time came, because he has already had a kidney transplant and he has no issues with going under a knife where as I have never even had stitches and it's a major surgery. But when I mention a vasectomy he tunes me out. I mentioned going and getting my tubes done (I wasn't going too....I was just trying to initiate some sort of conversation) and he immediately jumped to a no for that! His sisters both had children in the last 2 years, and they are older than I am by 3 and 5 years and my SO likes to remind me they did it when I tell him I need a solid yes or no answer, that I won't love him less, about the topic. But if you talk to either of his sisters pregnancy was HARD and recovery was slow for them. His one sister had her FIFTH kid, a total surprise, and she said it was crazy how different pregnancy in your 20s was compared to your 30s. She was 32, almost 33, when she had him. The other sister had her one and only child and she was 35 and her doctor was concerned because at that age it's considered a geriatric pregnancy and so many more complications can arise! For him it doesn't matter the age, for women it does.
My therapist is strict on what we speak about. I am through a program that deals with each problem individually. She did ask about my childhood but those notes get sent to another therapist and when the time comes I need to switch. We don't get to talk about them. Same as my relationship. It sucks but it's free....something needed right now with lay offs and the economy in the bowl.